


Shards At Luckenwalde (WARNING: I am NOT the author!!)

by BumbleFree



Category: Hyakujitsu no Bara | Maiden Rose
Genre: A LOT of Angst, Alpha Klaus, Alpha/Beta/Omega Dynamics, Alpha/Omega, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Angst, Character Death, Confinement, Dubious Consent, Forbidden Love, German-Crash-Course in disguise, Implied Knotting, Katsuragi is a creep, M/M, Mating Cycles/In Heat, Mpreg, Omega Taki, Omega Verse, Porn With Plot, Serious Story, Smut, Some Tragedy, Taki and Klaus need a marriage councelor, Torture, a liiiittle bit of angst, actually everyone needs therapy here, dub-con, natural self-lubrication
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-11-11
Updated: 2018-08-15
Packaged: 2018-08-30 09:32:24
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 36
Words: 119,954
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8527975
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BumbleFree/pseuds/BumbleFree
Summary: *WARNING! I am not the author of this fic, I am posting it for my babe, Tenkamchi-Sama, because she doesn't have an Ao3 account but we both love Maiden Rose! I take absolutely no credit in this beautiful work! Please enjoy!*
  It's the year 1928.19 year old Taki Reizen has been studying at Luckenwalde Armor school for one year now.Klaus von Wolfstadt, an alpha, his roommate uncovers a secret, that not even Taki himself was aware of.And the consequences of this rainy night, in their room at Luckenwalde, might one day change the course of history.





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here is the cover to the fic:  
> Finally I got to make it: The final and official cover for Shards at Luckenwalde! (I bought, photographed and arranged these flowers)  
> I hope you like it, and if you have any guesses on what or who they represent, let me know!

  
  


It's been a long time; not since my teenage years have I smelled this sweet fragrance. It was faint.  
A soft whisper of flowery sweetness, overwritten by the distant ocean breeze and blossoming wisteria along with moist dirt and purifying wine.  
But I so clearly remember that fragrance. I have been seeking to find and capture it ever since that day.  
When Taki had arrived at Luckenwalde, this memory, this fragrance came back, hitting me like a wave in the ocean on a stormy shore.  
I wondered if others sensed this fragrance too, but I wouldn't find out. If they sensed it, they kept quiet about it. If they didn't… they'd keep quiet as well.

Taki was assigned to be my roommate. Hartmann had told me, that it wasn't by chance.  
'Put a bell on his neck' he said.  
No need to tell me that, I thought. I refuse to let the bearer of this sweet scent get away, escape my grasp ever again.  
Taki was a beta. Honestly, I would have taken him for an omega, but if he were an omega, I would have known it instantly.  
The Wolfstadt-Alphas have always been known for their keen senses, and I was no exception.

Taki was hard to handle. At first, he was like a flame; handle him with care, or you'll get burned.  
But over time he got gentler. With me at least.  
Interestingly, the others he either ignored with a cold gaze, or treated them with warm, but distanced respect.  
I told myself, that it was due to his culture. It indeed was quite different from ours, here.

I got used to his presence near me. I'd get restless if he wasn't near me for longer periods of time. I got used to his faint, sweet scent and now I know, I should have seen the signs.  
They were so clear before my eyes.

One afternoon, it had been raining for hours already, Taki was called into the headmaster's office and as usual I went with him.  
I waited at the door, noticing the absence of this scent much more than usual.

I knew Taki was back, even before I turned around to look at him.  
“Did you wait all this time?” he asked. I ignored his question: he knew the answer himself.  
“What did they tell you?” I asked instead.  
“They're sending me back overseas – with the situation as it is, it can't be helped” his voice sounded soft as always, but there was a cold undertone to it, that let me know, that I better shut up about it. So I did.  
He started walking, and I followed him naturally. A professor at Luckenwalde stopped us.  
“Yoh, oriental prince! Running back home already, I see?” he said, and Taki froze, looking back at the man expressionless.  
“Why don't you go to cry at Eurote's feet again? Those old fashioned tanks suit you tiny orientals better anyways”  
Taki's eyes changed. I saw that flame again, and it annoyed the hell out of me, to hear this dick talk to Taki like that.  
I was about to tell him to fuck off, when Taki held me back.  
“Klaus” he said, his voice strict “These are the consequences of my grandfather's mistakes. I must bear them”  
My anger was gone in an instant; replaced with admiration and pain.  
Taki may be a fine soldier, but he was still only 18 years old.  
And yet he showed a level of self restraint, that must hurt so bad.

He went on, hurrying to get outside, as though the building was suffocating him. Maybe it truly was…  
I followed.  
He stepped out into the rain and I still followed him.

“How long do you intend to follow me?!” he spat, face wet with raindrops.  
“Until you go back to our room” I answered, ignoring the rain that hit my face.  
I looked at him, waiting for him to turn around and face me.  
He finally did turn around. His eyes dark with unspoken pain; cheeks red from the cold rain and his lips tense. A raindrop ran down his cheek and it looked like a tear.  
“Finally you look at me” I said “I thought you might be crying again” … just like that day we met again… I added in my thoughts.  
“As if” he muttered.  
I reached out to him, grabbing his sleeve tugging on it, telling him to follow me now.  
“Come on, let's go back. If you go wandering around here all alone someone might get suspicious”  
He shows no resistance as I pull him with me.  
Among the laburnum trees I stop. I look up, take a deep breath.  
The air smells like rain, clean and fresh. The scents of flowers and wet grass mingle with that faint fragrance. Amazing how I can still sense it…  
“I guess this is it for the laburnum too” I say on a whim. I don't want Taki to be so gloomy. In all this time we spent together, his smile has always been a rare treasure.  
“Taki” I hope he'll look at me as I speak “In your country, there are similar flowers. What are they called?”  
He doesn't look at me. He doesn't answer me.  
“White bunches of flowers, swaying in the ocean breeze – it looked like snow – so beautiful I thought it might have been a dream” I continue. I was about 15 back then, when I got lost in that garden, following that fragrance, when I came across a child.  
I look at him. Does he remember that day?  
He shows no reaction.  
“Here I am, in a land miles away, remembering those flowers” I murmur. Please, understand, Taki!

Slowly the rain gets weaker. Taki's cheeks got darker, his lips slightly blue. I guess this tiny body of his get's cold much easier than mine.  
“Let's go back – you'll get sick” I say and start walking again. He follows me wordlessly. Maybe he already is sick?  
His eyes seem just a bit too glossy, his cheeks a few shades too red. Maybe he got a fever?  
Usually betas are sturdier; but usually they aren't as tiny either.

As we walk back inside, to our room, I'm certain that his temperature is higher.  
This fragrance of his, every time I take a breath, I sense it stronger.  
Already people turn around to look at us, as we pass. So I'm not the only one, who senses this?

I hurry.  
I quickly shut the door, once we're inside our room. And I'm hit by his scent.  
It's filling the air in our room, mixing with my own smell.  
He sits on his bed, seemingly exhausted. I tug on my necktie. I need to breathe more.  
“Taki, can I sit with you?” I ask, feeling myself get drawn to his scent. It's so strong…  
Before I know it, my eyes fall shut and I press my nose against Taki's neck.  
He's an omega.

I breathe in, inhaling every ounce of his sweet alluring scent. It's so sweet…  
I want more…  
My voice feels raspy, when I call his name.  
“Taki… I want to kiss you”  
He gasps. I'm so close to him, that I can feel his hot breath against my lips. I wonder if he smells me too, if he feels my breath.  
His heat is addicting. It's like I'm suddenly cold, needing his warmth to keep me alive.  
He doesn't resist at all, when I kiss his lips.  
They're hot and soft.  
I gently nudge his lips with my tongue. I want to taste him…  
He pulls away, but I'm not letting him escape. Instead I push him down onto the mattress, pinning him down with the weight of my own body.  
It's not enough. Not nearly, not ever… I want to taste all of him!  
Quickly I undo his tie, unbutton his vest and shirt. His skin radiates with warmth. Every breath he takes engulfs my senses in his scent, more and more. I can taste the fragrance on the back of my tongue.  
He is so sweet, yet there is an innocent, clean flavor to his scent.  
It makes me want to defile him. Make him mine.  
Only I shall ever know this maiden fragrance of his.  
I nuzzle his neck, breathing in his scent, my hands roam his chest, pushing away any piece of clothing in their way.  
He moans, mewls oh so softly.  
His voice makes me shudder, sending my heated blood straight down to my groin.  
I want to carve myself into him. Make him mine!  
I can hear my alpha instinct growling in my ears, like a split personality, slowly taking over.  
This is bad…  
“K-Klaus…” Taki's voice is just a whisper, trembling in his chest.  
I pull away to look at him.  
I may never forget this image.  
His face is damp with sweat, tears shine in his eyes like diamonds, his eyes staring at me, clouded with unknown desire; against his pale skin his blush seems so much darker, his rosy lips are still moist from our kiss.  
I shall never let them get dry again, I think and kiss him again, running my fingers through his silky hair. When I pull away it's feathered on the pillow, framing his beautiful face.  
He trembles.  
Is he scared?  
His chest rises and falls with his nervous breaths. I lay my hand onto his chest and underneath his heated skin, his firm muscles I can feel his heart pounding.  
It's like his pulse races through my body. Fuck…  
I'm hard. It hurts.  
He trembles harder… or… is that my hand on his chest?

I look at him. His obsidian eyes look at me, as though he's looking at something he's desired for all his life. Isn't that just laughable?  
I cannot laugh though.  
I pant, trying not to breathe through my nose; goddamnit I must retain some self restraint here! But the taste of thick honey creeps onto my tongue and refuses to leave. I taste him.

His scent has this sweetness, where I feel like any more of it would make me sick, like how honey makes you sick, if you eat too much of it. But it never becomes _too much._ It's only ever _not enough,_ making me want to taste more of it.  
I lay my lips down onto his chest, my nose against his neck. Right here… right fucking here… the smell is so strong.  
I want… no, I need to mark him!  
I clench my teeth. I can't do this to him…

This…  
I pull back.  
What in god's name am I doing here!?

Am I not just… attacking an omega? Unable to resist his scent?  
This is probably his first heat. He's a little late with it, I guess. But still… we all thought he was a beta… so he surely had no idea he'd go into heat at some point.  
He must be so scared, fearing for his health, his safety, his pride… held down by an overpowering alpha such as myself…  
I'm such a horrible man…

And yet… I can't stop looking at him.  
I can't stop myself from breathing in his scent… getting lost in my desire…  
I'm aching to fill him… A growl escapes my throat, as I allow myself to think of his tight heat, engulfing me.  
I want to feel this… I need to…

“Taki” He looks at me, his eyes wide. The tears that shone in his eyes have fallen, wetting his cheeks.  
I lean down, licking a salty trail, placing the most gentle kisses onto his closed eyelids.

I want to make him cry more… cry out… I want to hear him sing in his mother tongue… call my name…  
I my breathing gets heavier, as I fight my urge to take him right now.

“Klaus…”

I look at his eyes.  
He looks like he's in so much pain.

I rest my hand against his cheek, his heat searing through my skin in the best way possible.  
“Taki…” is all I manage to say. He leans into the touch, closing his eyes, breathing into the palm of my hand.  
He's feeling it too.

This desire… his body…. It yearns for an alpha's touch.

I sense a change in his scent… like a candle, flickering in a gust of wind, the undertone of his scent is flickering.  
The clean, innocent undertone of his scent is mingling with another, colder flavor. He's trying to resist, but I can see so clearly in his eyes, how he's crumbling under my hand.

Shuddering he lets out a breath, blinking away some tears. I make a mistake: I inhale.  
His scent fills my lungs, and for a moment my eyeballs roll back in their sockets, a deep growl forming in my gut.

He flinches, trembling as he tries to get away from under me. But I'm not letting him.  
I hold onto his wrists, pushing them into the pillow above his head. He writhes, whimpering. His voice breaks, he cannot call for help.  
“Taki…” I chant, trying to calm him down. Again and again I call his name “Taki…” with the sweetest voice my rough vocal chords could produce.

I lower myself onto his body, not allowing any space between us. My face hidden against his neck, as I take in his scent, more and more…  
I change my position, going from straddling his legs, to resting my knees between his legs, forcing him to spread them for me.  
He's opening up, my beautiful rose… oh yes, this fragrance… it's gonna drive me insane.

The cold undertone is overwritten by the smell of white roses. That kind that has pale green veins on it's petals. When they're fresh, their scent is weaker. Only when they dry out, their sweet, honey-like fragrance unfolds.

I inhale this scent, licking the tender skin over his throat, wishing to taste more of it. I shudder. I can no longer suppress the urge to rut against him, forcing his legs further apart.  
He lets out a soft cry, trying to push himself up into a sitting position. I hold him down.  
He's not gonna escape.

He falls back into the mattress, trying to hide his face. His cheeks and even the tips of his ears are red. This must be so scary to him…  
I let go of his wrists and instead start undoing his trousers.

He holds onto my shoulders, or maybe he's weakly trying to push me away…? I can't tell. He tugs on my sleeves, and for a moment I worry he might tear my shirt.  
“Taki…” I mutter.  
I can still stop, I tell myself. If only he told me to stop. To get off of him, to stop touching him, to let him go and to get lost, never face him again… if only… but he never does.  
He looks at me with pain-filled eyes, wet with tears.  
His lips are quivering as he struggles to breathe, inhaling more of my scent. To him it's like anesthesia, I know that.  
It's how an alpha's scent works.

I tug his trousers down, along with his underwear, exposing him bit by bit.

He writhes more, his hands quickly try to cover his crotch, but I saw it already. He's hard. And I can smell very well, that he's wet too.  
He truly is an omega.

I stop my actions, looking at him, guilt written all over my face.  
I should stop.

He looks back at me, lips parted, to take in small huffs of air.  
“Taki… you are… so beautiful” I mutter, and I don't quite know, why I told him that. That's actually a lie. I know why I said it, and I hate myself for it.  
I want him to feel calmer, I want him to give in to me, to stop resisting.

He turns his face away, tears welling up in his eyes anew.  
His scent changes again.

Shit.

I growl, fighting the urge to mark him, to make him mine forever. His neck is right here… all I need is to bite down on his tender flesh, break his skin, taste his blood and sweat… I'm trembling with the sheer need to follow my alpha-instincts.

I start undoing my own trousers, pulling them down enough to free my throbbing cock. It rests against his perineum, oozing already.

He's so tiny… so fucking tiny… I'd break him if I just… thrust myself into him. His hot cavern would squeeze me so tightly… his natural lubricant would mix with blood as I'd tear him open… I must stop this…!

He sobs.  
Wails fall from his lips, as he presses one hand over his mouth, looking between our bodies.

He's so scared…

Yeah… so… I'm… big.

I shift, so I'm on my side, one of my legs still between his thighs, not allowing him to hide again. I carefully squeeze my arm between his shoulders and the mattress, so I can hold onto his right shoulder with my right hand. With the other hand I pull away his fingers from his mouth.  
He looks at me.  
I kiss him. Close your eyes, Taki. Trust me… please… I need you to trust me…  
I slide my tongue into his mouth, tasting him fully.  
He runs his fingers through my short hair, and I feel a smile form on my lips. He's giving in… slowly but surely his resistance melts away.

Slowly I let my hand wander down his chest. I rub his nipples with my fingertips, letting him moan into the kiss, before pulling away, to let him breathe. I look at him, carefully observing his reactions, while I let my hand wander further down.  
With his left hand he's still trying to cover himself. I lower my gaze to where our hands are meeting now.  
I grab his wrist, pulling his hand a bit further down, still supporting him with my right arm.  
He tries to resist.  
I put my hand over his, reaching past his balls, letting him feel his own wetness.  
I feel him trembling more.  
Weak moans and whimpers force their way past his quivering lips.  
I push his fingers against his entrance. They slide easily into his wet hole. My fingertips rest against his slick skin.  
He let out something like a cry, tensing up against me.  
“Shhhh, don't… clench” I murmur against his ear. He turns his face towards me and breathes against my chest, trying to hide from my eyes.  
I push his fingers deeper into his hole, before adding my own index finger. He's already opening up, like a good omega in heat.  
I can feel him tensing and relaxing around my fingertip. That already makes my cock twitch… I want him so bad…  
I nuzzle the top of his head, breathing in more of his sweet scent. It's so rich… it gives off this complex, continuously changing flavor, that I can almost taste on my tongue, whenever I inhale his scent.  
I pull away my hand, grabbing his and bringing it to my mouth. This… smells so good…  
I want to taste it…

He tries to free his hand, but my grasp is too strong on his wrist.  
“K-Kla… ah… hnngh…” he tries.  
I take his fingers into my mouth, licking the fluid off of his fingertips.  
It's a little bit… less innocent, this taste. It reminds me of anise and caraway, but it tastes quite different.  
I also taste a bit of salt… like salted caramel…  
“Mmmh…”

“Klaus… it's… it's… d-dirty…” Taki whimpers, his fingers resting against my lips now.  
“Not at all… you are so sweet, Taki…”, I manage to whisper, before holding down his hand, leaning over him to steal another kiss.

I wonder how his juices taste to him?  
Does he taste the same as I do? … well I doubt it. Still, he mewls sweetly when I enter his mouth with my tongue.  
I let my hand go back down, rubbing circles against his hole, before pushing in the tip of my index finger.  
He struggles weakly, mewling into the kiss with more fear than before.  
I swallow his sounds.

Slowly I push my finger further inside. His wet, hot cavern is contracting around my finger, sending shivers down my spine.  
This is bad… fuck…  
I must at least get this done… at least this…

I break the kiss and pant against the pillow. Shit… this is his bed. Everything here smells like him.

Carefully I push in two fingers now.  
He lets out another one of those wails, arching his back. I tighten my grasp on his shoulder, running my thumb over his skin in small circles.  
He's reacting like this, when there's only two fingers inside him… I groan.

Slowly I start moving my fingers inside him. Twisting them a little, before almost pulling them out, to push them back in.  
He still sounds pained.  
“Come on… Taki” I murmur. He gives me a moan, glossy eyes opening to look at me. I swallow. “Bear down” I advise.  
He doesn't do it.  
“Please. Just a little push. It'll be easier like that” I whisper against his ear, pushing in my fingers further, when he finally does as I told him. They slide inside easily.  
I spread them in a scissoring motion, before pulling them out again.  
He moans and mewls, his legs helplessly sprawled on the bed.

I dare to thrust my fingers inside with a little more force, my fingertips brushing this one spot, and he cries out.  
He's still trembling when I pull out my fingers, looking at me with a mixture of horror and desire. What a strange mix… but this must be something he's never felt before… I smile.  
This is amazing…  
Even his scent changed again. The clean smell has changed. It has a colder flavor now… but it's not bad. It's enticing.

I pick up some of his juice, rubbing it onto my ring finger, which I'm going to add to my middle and index finger now.  
Like this it should be easy.  
“Again, Taki” I whisper against his ear and nudge his entrance with my fingertips.  
He shakes his head, biting his lip. His body betrays him.  
When I try to push in my fingers, he opens up for me, sucking my fingers in easily.  
He moans.

I can't suppress the deep growl that's building inside my chest. It takes all of my strength to not just mount and take him.  
I bite his earlobe, tug on it with my teeth before kissing the side of his face, is cheek down to his jaw… his neck…

I thrust my fingers in and out of him, drawing the sweetest moans from him. The way his body writhes against mine is just too much to bear.  
I shift again, settling between his legs now, so I can grind my painfully neglected erection against his ass.

He huffs and looks at me.  
It seems like he's having trouble to get his clouded eyes to focus on mine. His gaze keeps swaying back and forth, as though he was trying to find something.

I set my hand down next to his head to hold myself up, while I keep fingering his hole.  
He's fully relaxed now, not showing any signs of pain or resistance.

I'm at my limit. Fuck.  
Still I'm thrusting my fingers into him, brushing his sweet spot ever so slightly. I'm cruel… I know. But I want, I need him to feel me. All of me.

His unfocused gaze falls between our bodies again, when my hips jerk slightly.  
I stop.  
This is purely amazing.

Those eyes, that looked at me in pure horror, now glisten with feral need.  
My cock – it's size now seems more appealing than scary.

Now that he's gotten a taste of this pleasure, by my fingers, he craves more.

I know it's not good.  
I know I should stop.  
I know I must stop before I do something unforgiveable.

I know… but I can't help myself.

When my fingers slip out of him, he whimpers at me. He reaches out to me, trying to pull me closer, back arching off the mattress.  
I huff at him.  
“Oh Taki...”

He's driving me insane.

I rub the fluid, that's left on my fingers onto my leaking length and align the tip with his entrance.

Stop me, Taki. Please… tell me to stop, before it's too late…  
I push my hips forward, the tip slowly entering his hot hole. Please, Taki…!  
“Aaah… A-AAAAAAAWWGH…!!” tears well up in his eyes again, spilling over his cheeks. I can tell that he's hurting.  
Of course he is…  
Three fingers are three fingers. And my dick is my dick.

He sobs; I can feel his shaky breaths…  
“Shhhh… T-Taki…” I huff, closing my eyes tightly. Fuck… he's so hot… that voice of his… his scent… it's all too much.  
I can no longer pick apart his scent… all I know, is that I want to inhale more of it.  
I hide my face against his neck, teeth clenched.

He's helplessly clawing at my back, trying to hold onto anything, trying to find any source of comfort to help him through the pain.  
“Breathe… Taki. Breathe… slowly…”  
I rest my bodyweight on my left elbow, so I can stroke his cheek with my right hand, wiping away his tears with my thumb.

Even now he's beautiful.

I could weep.  
This is just too cruel… for an omega like him, such a pure one, to end up like this… held down by an alpha… me of all people…  
And yet… there's no way that I'd ever let anyone else have him.  
He's mine…

I try to push in a little further, and this time he doesn't seem to be in so much pain.  
Still, he's squeezing me so tightly… so hotly.  
It's like his insides are caressing every square inch of my throbbing length… it feels so good… It's tugging and tearing at my sanity and control.

How easily could I just start pounding him now? Tear him, make him bleed… hurt him… make him scream my name until his voice breaks… fuck him, fill him up and make him mine…  
I moan.

“K-Kla-ah… Klaus…” Taki looks me in the eyes.  
I see feelings in his eyes, that just… I can't comprehend them. They touch me way too deeply… and yet they do it so easily… like I'm not even trying to resist them.

I give a careful thrust.

He moans.  
Good… so good…  
I thrust again… again… again… building a pace.

It's slow, but powerful.  
No need to hurry… not now. It's too late anyways… and if I can make it last, I'm gonna do it.  
His entire body is being moved by my thrusts, and I must be careful not to overdo it, or else he'll hit his head on the headboard.  
“Taki… your arms...” I start, panting “put them around my neck”

He shudders, his legs twitching as I hit that spot inside him.  
Right there.  
When he doesn't move, I nudge his left arm, and finally he does try to wrap his arms around my neck.  
Our chests almost touch now, and when I trust, I can feel the tip of his member slide against my abdomen.

I thrust again and again… my pace becomes sloppy.  
Faster… stronger…

Is he in pain?  
He cries out with almost every thrust, tears in his eyes, cheeks red, lips swollen from all the kisses I've stolen.

I've wanted him so bad… I had no idea just how bad…  
I feel him clenching around me and I almost cum right then and there… fuck… that was close… fuck…  
Taki…

He cries out again, voice breaking already.  
Just how much has he cried until now…?

Suddenly a sharp pain runs through my shoulder, more like my neck… just where the collarbone starts…

He bit me.

I'm frozen in my movement.

I can feel his jaw trembling against my skin. This… I … you reap what you sow… they say.  
Well fuck them.

I run my fingers through his silky hair, getting him to relax his jaw again, so I can pull away from him.  
My blood is staining his lips.

This… he truly… wow.

I lean down, kissing him.  
I can taste my blood in his mouth and weirdly, it turns me on that much more.  
I start thrusting again. Harder… fucking harder… cum, Taki!

My body is aching to find release.

His cries are barely muffled by my lips anymore. I aim well… hitting his prostate every time. It sends shivers down his spine, making him clench around me. He's close… he's so wet… among his moans and cries I can hear wet sounds, as my thick cock slides in and out of him.

Our kiss is broken when he writhes, tossing and turning under me. He's presenting his unguarded neck to me…  
I know… I know he needs this… this one push over the edge.

This…  
one…  
bite.

I'm drawn in by his scent, again as though it were the first time I smelled it.

My eyes shut and my mouth opens, placing wet kisses onto his heated skin. It's not enough… it couldn't be.

He's whimpering, wailing and clawing at my shoulders.  
He cries my name…

My teeth break his skin. His blood pools in my mouth and he tenses up, screaming.

A glow engulfs me, dripping with his scent… he's all I have… all I know and need.

It only takes me a few more jerky thrusts into him, before I cum. Shuddering as I shoot my load deep inside him.  
He's squeezing me so tightly…

I let go of his neck, blood and saliva dripping from my lips as I ride out my orgasm. I force myself to open my eyes and look at him.

He's…  
He is so beautiful.

His lips are parted in a silent scream, eyes screwed shut, his cheeks wet with tears and there… about an inch under his ear… right over the vein…

My mark.

He's mine.

I collapse onto his chest, still deep inside him.

He's twitching… shuddering with the aftershocks of orgasm. I must be heavy…  
His breathless moans turn into sobs. He's crying…

“Taki...” woah… my voice is rough…

He covers his face with his trembling hands.  
He's squeezing me… trying to push me away. But I can't pull out. I'd hurt him if I did now. He's way too tense…  
“Taki… shhhhhh”  
I kiss his hands, before pushing them away from his face, holding onto his wrists. I softly kiss his lips.

Still he's crying, writhing and trembling.

That's what the heat… that's what the mark… bonding… that's what it all does to an omega.

“Taki, please… relax” I breathe softly, trying to pull out carefully.  
It causes him to whimper again.  
I kiss his face, kissing away his tears.  
I slowly pull out, trying to soothe him.

He winces when my dick slips out of him. My cum trickles out of him, soaking into the bed sheet. I watch it flowing out of him, a thought settling in my gut, like a heavy rock. This could have much graver consequences than just our bond…  
I look at his face.  
He closed his eyes, panting heavily. He's feeling it still, pooling deep inside him.

I roll off him, pulling him close to my chest, so his back is resting against me. He whimpers as I move him.  
Slowly he's slipping away, exhaustion taking him over.

I've never been too worried about the future. I lived my life, day after day. War makes future become meaningless.  
Any day you might lose a comrade; a friend; a limb… your life… everything.

One day you laugh, thinking about how you and your friend will one day live a life, far away from the terror of war; the next day you sit in the trenches, next to his corpse. His dead eyes staring at you, asking you why he had to die.

And here I am now… fearing tomorrow.  
Fearing the moment, when Taki wakes up.

I'm holding him in my arms, I'm not going to let him go… even though… he might end up hating me.  
I nuzzle his neck, breathing in his scent again.  
It's… softer now… the flavor doesn't cloud my senses anymore, it soothes them, making me relax.

Taki grabs my hand, which I rest against his stomach and I close my eyes. So he's not pushing me away.


	2. Chapter 2

I am slowly pulled back to consciousness, when Taki moves in my arms, shivering a little, before turning around.  
I keep my eyes closed. I admit, I'm too afraid to face him yet. To see the memories of last night flood back to his mind, and the shock settle in his deep, dark blue eyes. To see him be struck with the realization, of what I did to him...  
Will he push me away now?

His breath gets a bit rougher, as he turns towards me. He's hot. I tighten my grip on him, opening my eyes finally.  
I can't see his face. He's hiding it against my chest. I take a deep breath, feeling his hands against my skin.  
His scent is still very present. Still so sweet. Yet a melancholic scent, like wilting roses. Enticing in a strange way. I cannot think of the things I did to him last night, as though they were insane acts of unthinkable cruelty. All I can think about, is his beauty, and how I must protect him.  
From myself, more than anyone, I guess...  
I run my hand through his hair, as though I was trying to calm a crying child, making him look up at me.  
He looks… torn.

I can see how swollen his eyelids are, bloodshot from crying so much. His cheeks are red, just like yesterday.  
I know. It's my scent. He's very aware of it, and his heat is far from being over; at least, even if his mind isn't aware, his body surely is.  
Which brings me back to…

I lower my head, gently resting my forehead against his.  
“Taki” I start, voice low “how are you feeling?”  
He winces.

“Taki, please”  
I push him onto his back, so he can't hide his face anymore. I must see him now. See his feelings flash over his face, even if just for an instant.

I caress his cheek.  
His silence is hard to bear. I should be used to it… but today, every word, every sound that he denies me, feels like punishment.  
“Are you in pain?” I ask.  
He turns his head away. Avoiding my gaze.  
So he _is_ in pain?

I look at him. At his neck. At the bite mark I left on him.  
A crust formed over it, the skin around it is still red, a dark bruise forming already.  
I carefully run my fingers over the crust, making him wince at the touch. He opens his eyes and faces me.

He raises his hand and touches me.  
The juncture between my neck and shoulder. Oh…

Only now, I remember it again. He bit me too.

I close my eyes, leaning into the touch, despite the slight pain, that it causes me. When the mark heals, it will feel good. It's a wicked part of our nature.  
The bite basically ensures, that the nerves are much more sensitive, due to the injury. When the wounded flesh heals, the nerves will be so much more densely packed in this spot.  
He pulls his hand away.

I open my eyes again, looking at him.  
He looks guilty.  
“I'm sorry”

What…?!  
I shake my head, running my hand through his hair, as gently as I can. I make him look at me, turn his face towards me. He has no reason to feel sorry. None of this was his fault.  
I'm the one…

“No, Taki” I say, sitting up. He stays where he is, looking at me, scared. “I'm the one who should apologize”

He sits up way too quickly, I hold onto his shoulders when he collapses, letting out a pained groan.  
“Don't do this, Taki” I murmur, as I hold onto him, he breathes heavily. He pushes my hands away.  
“I… I'm sick. I bit you… of all things… I … I bit you…” he whispers, putting more distance between us.  
I already open my mouth to deny his words, when I stop.  
Wait…  
“Taki… do you even know what happened?” I ask, shocked. Please… please don't tell me, he truly doesn't know about it.

“I'm sorry...”

He got me wrong.  
I grab his wrist, pulling him closer to me. It's a dirty, dirty trick, I know. But it works. Once his head rests against my chest, and he has no choice but to breathe in my scent, I start speaking again. Ignoring his weak attempts to push me away, his trembling shoulders.  
“Taki. What happened yesterday, do you understand it? Why and how it happened?”  
He shakes his head.  
“Don't...” he tries to push me away, his cool hand pressed against my chest. How can his hand be so cold, when his body is so hot?

I let him go, just enough, where I can still put my arms around him.  
“You're an omega, Taki” I say softly.  
“I'm not”  
“Yes, you are”  
He looks at me, with an equally angry and terrified expression. His body is shaking all over. It must truly be a shock.  
I nod and caress his cheek. As if I'm the one, who has to apologize to him, for this, being the truth. It's neither his, nor my fault. Not his nature.  
My actions though…  
“You went into heat yesterday. You still are in heat now. That's why my scent works on you, the way it does” I explain.

He shakes his head in disbelief.

“CADETS! GET UP!” roars one of the instructors, from down the hall, and I jump up instantly, hurrying to the door, before he can kick it open.  
I open it, sticking my head out.  
“Got it, turn it down a little, man” I murmur and close the door again. I can't let anyone know about this.  
I must protect Taki.

Taki is sitting on his bed, looking like he just saw a ghost.  
I come back to his side.  
“I… we have a lecture today, don't we?” he mutters, trying to get out of bed. I stop him.  
“No. Not today. You won't leave our room today” I say.

He sits back down on the bed, looking at me.  
“But...” he tries to protest. I stop him. “No. I'll tell them that you're ill”

He lowers his head.  
“Lie down, try to sleep some more. You'll… need it” I say, as I start getting dressed. From the corners of his eyes he's watching me.  
Heat is something, that you can't suppress. Even if he's fine now, soon he'll be crying for my touch again.  
I must hurry. His deportation overseas must be delayed. He can't travel like this. I knew he'd be sent back home two months ago already.  
It was supposed to be the end of our… friendship.

Well, that goes out of the window now.  
“I'm…” I hear Taki murmur.  
I turn around, looking at him, kneeling by the side of his bed.  
“Take those meds of yours, ok? You must take them every morning, so take them. I'll go and talk to our teachers, and the headmaster, ok?” I say and stroke his cheek. His temperature is rising already.  
Soon he'll be in danger again.

I must hurry.  
“Try to bear this for an hour, ok? I'll be back by then” I promise and dearly hope, I'll be able to keep my promise.  
He looks at me, like he's about to cry again.  
Please… don't cry… I think and take the container where he keeps his pills. Come to think of it… he told me, they were to strengthen his immune system, which was way too weak for a beta. But… he isn't a beta.  
Did his doctors make a mistake, back then?  
Usually you can tell, if a person will grow up to be an alpha, beta or omega by the age of 10, though you might be wrong sometimes.  
But my memories…

I take out one pill, putting it in his open hand. I then get up to fill his glass with water, bringing it to him.  
He swallows the pill as always, scrunching up his face in disgust.  
He never liked these pills, but this reaction is stronger than usual.

Am I reading too much into this? Is it because I'm feeling guilty, that I must keep an eye on his every move?  
Or is it the bond?  
Haven't I always felt the need, to keep an eye on him? To never leave him alone for too long, afraid he might get hurt?  
As if he'd get hurt… he's a better fighter than me, honestly… in fencing at least…

I walk towards the door.  
“I'll hurry. And please… do not leave our room, don't let anyone come in” I say, looking at him intently. Understand, Taki, please…  
This school is crawling with greedy alphas… and even a mark won't stop some of them.

He nods, closing his eyes and burying himself under the blanket, as though he was trying to hide away while I'm gone.  
I leave.

I walk quickly down the hallways, taking turns without even thinking about it. I've walked this way so often; always reporting in about the mission Hartmann gave me…

It's no surprise when I find myself in front of his door, knocking on it.  
“Enter” he grumbles from the inside. I push down the door handle and enter his office, shutting the door behind me quickly.  
I feel like I'm a child, admitting to a mistake.

Isn't it just that?  
“Klaus, what is it? Don't you have lectures now?” Hartmann asks, putting away a few documents he was apparently reading until now.  
“Well… Yeah. But Reizen…” I start and lower my head. I don't like calling him by his surname. It reminds me so painfully, that I shouldn't be a friend to him, let alone a mate; that I'm nothing more, than a babysitter for him, who's been betraying him ever since he got here.  
“What's with him?” Hartmann asks, suddenly seeming interested.  
“He's ill” I say and suppress the urge to rub my neck.

Hartmann is silent.  
He puts his hand over his mouth, sighing deeply, before shifting in his seat.  
“He'll be going back home next week already. It can't be delayed, you know that” he says.  
I nod.  
“I know. But in this condition he can't travel” I insist. Hartmann looks at me. He can tell that I'm not telling him the whole truth.  
Of course he can…  
“What are you trying to achieve, Klaus?” He rests his elbows on the table and his expression hardens. Uncle Hartmann is gone. This is my boss I'm talking to.  
I run one hand through my hair.  
What AM I trying to achieve?  
I can't let Taki be sent away. Not now. Not anymore.

Haven't I been willing, to give all I have away, just to ensure, that we'll stay together?  
“Are you getting cold feet?” Hartmann asks, and I know, what he's getting at.  
“No...”  
I must deny it.  
I must ensure, that we'll stay together.  
“I'll go with him” I say, decision made. No taking it back now.  
All the planning we did weeks ago, now it all comes true.

I have one week…  
Poor Claudia.

“Fine” Hartmann sighs “What now? I guess you'll be looking after him, while he's sick? I'll excuse you and him from your lectures” he murmurs, taking another document to sign it, and gives it to me.  
“Bring this to your Professor for today” he says, and I take the paper from him.  
“Thanks, old man”

I hurry out of the office, to the auditorium.  
The professor glares at me, when I walk in, right up to his podium, to hand him the paper Hartmann gave me.  
He looks at me, expression still quite sour, but nods.

I feel myself getting anxious.  
I hurry, I run back to Taki's and my room.

There…  
I stand in front of our door, knowing too well, that his scent will hit me like a wall, once I enter here. All of a sudden, I feel like I must run away.  
I want to be with him… of course! I can't wait to breathe in his sweet scent again… but…

I open the door and hold my breath.

He's sleeping.

The blanket, he had pulled so tightly around his body, when I left, is now almost on the ground. His skin is glistening with a faint layer of sweat.  
His cheeks are red… when he turns his head, sighing softly, I can see, that even the tips of his ears are flushed red.

I check my watch. I've been away for roughly an hour.

I walk over to his bed and sit on the edge of it.  
He remains unmoving, breathing softly. I lean down, breathing against his neck, right over my mark.  
I smell his sweetness… it's this scent again, that awakens the desire within me… if only it wasn't tainted with my own smell, and the smell of blood…

I kiss his jaw, kiss his cheek, his lips…  
He reaches out to me, holding onto my shoulder. I pull away from his lips, to look at him.  
His eyes are glossy… staring at me.

I pull away, not touching him anymore.  
“It can't be helped. You'll be sent home this week” I say.  
He nods.  
He seems way too calm.

“I'm better now” he says, sitting up.  
I furrow my brows. No way… he reeks of desire, I can see it in his eyes, I can feel it when I touch his heated skin!

I touch his cheek, pull him closer, breathe his scent… just to make sure, I tell myself.  
He lets out a soft mewl in surprise, pushing me away weakly.  
No.  
I'm right.  
I feel him shudder.  
When I push him down onto the bed, he doesn't resist at all.  
I knew it. I shouldn't have done this… but I did. I had to. He closes his eyes, lips tense.

I inhale his scent again; breathe in more and lick his neck, kissing the mark. He winces weakly, his hands clutching my shoulders.  
He's not pushing me away, he's pulling me closer.

I hold onto his hands and push them down, into the pillow.  
“Taki…” I murmur “I have some stuff to do, have patience, okay?”

He looks at me, not understanding what I mean.  
I figured he wouldn't.

The problem is just, that Claudia lives quite far away from Luckenwalde. I'd have to travel about a day, to reach her home, and another day, or even two back.  
That is, if I get going soon enough. I'll pack my stuff now, take the earliest train tomorrow, talk to her, bid her farewell, and then I'll take the night-train. Sadly, it doesn't go directly back to Luckenwalde, so I'll have to take another train too… and if I'm unlucky, I'll have to wait a long time, until another train comes.  
Few civilians travel by train anymore, and in order to save finances, the trains don't come and go as frequently as before the war.  
I'm glad there even _is_ a train available at all.  
I won't be able to see Taki though… I'll have to get all my documents prepared. I'm leaving this country forever… And somehow I'll still have to stay in contact with Hartmann.

Taki lowers his head.  
“It's all for the best, Taki” I say and smile at him. He doesn't look at me.  
I kneel in front of him, taking his hands into mine. Dear god, they are so small…  
“I'll be all yours soon” I promise and hold his hands a bit tighter for a second, before getting up again.

I start packing my stuff. Except for my uniform.  
I won't be needing it again.  
I won't even need most of what I'm packing, just to visit Claudia. But I'd rather have everything packed, than having to hurry back, and ending up loosing too much time.

I'll ask Hartmann, when Taki's train is leaving, before I leave here.

I probably won't even have the chance to say goodbye to all the other students, that became our friends here.  
I ignore the slight sadness, that's welling up inside me.  
Another goodbye I couldn't say. Another friend I won't ever see again.

Or maybe, some of them I will see again.  
Killing them on the front line.

My jaw clenches.  
It has nothing to do with him. Didn't I promise myself, to keep all of this far away from him? These feelings and thoughts.  
They have nothing to do with him, so they shouldn't bother him.  
He's bearing his own burden, and all I should do, is accompany, protect him.

I hear the bed creak, as he lies down again. I glance at him, at his slender back.  
I want to reach out to him, stroke his back and look at his face, tell him things will be fine.

I realize I already raised my hand, fingers inches away from his back. No… I can't.

My suitcase is packed.  
I get up and walk to the door.  
“Taki, I'll be back later” I say and leave, without looking at him again. If I saw his eyes now, I'd stop right here, and just…

I leave the room and shut the door behind me, feeling guilty for shutting it so harshly. I shake my head and start walking to Hartmann's office again.

When I knock on the door, he's already awaiting me.  
“How's the situation?” he asks, sitting in his armchair.  
I run a hand through my hair. I'm really glad, that my shirt collar hides the mark Taki put on me. Hartmann would get so mad if he knew.  
“He's sleeping, I think” I say, crossing my arms.  
“And?”  
“I packed my stuff. I'm gonna visit Claudia before I leave” I add. He nods understanding. He turns to his desk, getting up to look trough some papers.  
“Will he be fit enough to take the trip?” he asks “If not, I'll assign someone to help him, while you're away-”  
“No”  
“No?” Hartmann raises an eyebrow at my sudden interruption.  
“He'll be fine. He said he's better already” I say, though I know it was nothing but a lie.  
“I see” Hartmann is still doubting my words, I can tell.  
I lower my arms, shoving my hands into the pockets of my trousers.  
“I must know, when his train will leave” I say.

Hartmann nods.  
“The train will be for him and his staff only, no civilians on it. It's scheduled to leave in 4 days, from the main station” he explains.  
I nod.  
The main station is a bit away from here… shit…  
“What time?”  
“Early morning. 5 am”  
I glare at Hartmann. I know it's not his fault, but damn it… could it be more difficult?

“Fine” I mutter and turn to leave.

My stomach is growling. And I remembered, that Taki hadn't eaten anything at all either. So I walk to the canteen.  
I grab a tablet and go to the counter, where the plates are handed out.  
“Give me two rations. My roommate's sick” I say to the old lady that works here.  
She looks at me critically, but hands me two plates nevertheless.

I take two apples from the fruit basket, and two bowls of soup. It's not soup, but rather warm water with some faint flavor, but it's good enough for now.  
With my tablet, almost too full to carry it, I start walking back to Taki's and my room.  
As I walk I barely look at the other students, glancing at me. They don't dare to ask what I'm doing. It's one of the good parts, about being intimidating like this.  
I can't really think about that now, though.  
I hope Taki will be able to eat this.

I also hope, he'll manage to get some food down, while I'm gone.  
It feels, as though everything here is happening way too quickly.

The months before this, they felt like they would never end, even though I knew very well, that they would end sooner than later.  
I was just lightly joking about taking him home with me… I had wanted to forget about the war and it's cruel grasp.  
I wanted to keep him away from it.

But he'd never let me.

He's too devoted to his homeland, to his people. It's how he was brought up, I know… fuck… but it feels so wrong.

I arrive at our room, opening the door softly. If he's asleep, I don't want to wake him up. The room is dark, now that evening has come.

I look over to his bed.  
He is sleeping. His body is sprawled on the bed, blanket all over the place, just not there where it would help him.  
I gently tug on it, freeing his tangled up legs, so I can pull it over him.  
This close to him, I can smell his hot body, the faint layer of sweat that makes his skin glisten in the little light, that enters our room through the window.

I sit next to him, resting my hand on his chest. He's so tiny… or am I so big? My hand, when I spread my fingers, can almost cover all of his chest.  
I feel guilty.

So fucking guilty.  
This is just wrong.  
I shouldn't have lost control like that. I shouldn't have marked him. I shouldn't be leaving him tomorrow and I shouldn't let him go back to that country of his, to lead men into battle.  
He's an omega.  
He's meant to be safe from dangers. He's meant to be protected, worshiped for all of his beauty. He's not meant to fight, to be endangered like that.  
But that's just what will happen.

I shake my head and tear myself away from his side. I must pull through with this now.  
I'm going to his country with him, I'm gonna protect him, even if it costs me everything.

I undress and lie down on my bed.  
In the dark I stare at his bed, wishing I was there with him. Holding him in my arms. Nuzzling his neck, breathing in his sweet scent, feeling his warmth against me.  
Wrapping my arms around him tightly, so I can feel his heart beating through his chest, as he feels me, smells me… so little space between us.  
Forget the war, forget his men.  
Forget all he rules and laugh at the gods, as I make him feel so good, it brings tears to his eyes.

I'm torn for a moment.  
Shouldn't I just go over to his bed, hold him just like that, as he sleeps?

No. I'd wake him up, I'd do no good.  
I clutch the bedsheets, as if I could hold myself back like this. I close my eyes and take a deep breath.  
Think of tomorrow.  
Think of all, you must get done.

Think of your cause.  
Taki...


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Thank you for reading my story! I just wanted to give a little info: I try to stay as close to the original Manga, seeing this Story as a "What if...?"-kinda idea. Like only changing this one detail, adding the ABO-dynamics to it.  
> Thus, I use the Manga as a reference, but obviously, I have to change passages, to make them fit with this universe. I just wanted to point this out now. In later chapters this might be quite an important detail to keep in mind! - Ten"

I wake up early.  
I glance out the window, seeing the first rays of sunlight creep up behind Luckenwalde's buildings.  
I sit up and look over to Taki's bed.  
As I thought, he's sleeping. Uncalm, but he's asleep. As though he could tell, that I'd leave his side soon.  
I look at the tray with the food I had brought here yesterday.  
Neither he nor I had touched it when I had brought it. He was asleep, and I went straight to bed.  
That's bad…  
I stand up and look at the tray.  
I can see, he hadn't touched any of it while I was asleep.

I sit on the edge of his bed, touching his shoulder.  
“Taki” I murmur, while he writhes under my touch, as though he were in pain.  
“Taki, wake up”  
He opens his eyes. He seems disoriented, feverish.  
I turn him onto his back.  
“Taki, I've gotta get ready now. I'll leave for a few days. I want you to eat this now, ok? Take your meds, and please, don't go out of here, unless you absolutely have to. As in to get food. You are dismissed from all your lectures. Okay?” I say, looking at him carefully. Watching him slowly wake up fully. His eyes getting clearer, expression hardening, as he processes my words in his mind.  
He rubs his eyes with the back of his hand.  
“Taki” I ask.  
I need to know he heard and understood my words.

I'm leaving him… alone. Here.

“I'm fine, Klaus” he assures me.  
“Still. Take your meds and most importantly, eat this. It's two rations, and it's cold already, but please, eat it” I say. I had planned to eat with him, but thinking about it now, I can eat on the train, or wherever.  
He needs this more than I do.  
“F-fine...” he mumbles and looks at the tray. I can see slight horror welling up in his eyes at the large amount of food on the plates.  
“You can take your time eating this, but please. Eat it” I tell him.

He nods reluctantly.  
I sigh.  
I can't handle him like this. He's like a child, so tiny and breakable. Yet he's alluring in a sense, that makes me feel guilty.  
I push him down onto the mattress, burying my face against his neck, against the mark. I inhale his scent.  
My scent has faded, leaving only his rich fragrance under his skin. This is bad… I pull myself away from him.  
If I let myself be swept up in his alluring smell again, I won't reach the train station in time.  
That reminds me, I gotta get dressed.

I sigh deeply and turn away, walking away from his bed, to take out my clothes from the wardrobe.  
I wonder if he's looking at me now, that I'm changing my clothes.  
He claims to be ok.  
But it takes about 10 days for an omega's heat to fully fade. He can't be ok yet.

His smell also doesn't support his words.  
It's dripping with pheromones, I can tell.

I hear the bedsheets rustling, and the tray clatter slightly. Turning my head slightly, to look at him from the corner of my eye, I can see that he sat up in his bed, taking the glass from the tray, and the container with his pills.  
Good, he's taking them.

“Be sure to eat, got it?” I say, putting on my jacket. I turn around to look at him, and the look on his face makes it look, as if he's been discovered, doing something forbidden.  
I smile.  
He's always been shy, silent. Withdrawing from others, never appearing as though he was avoiding them though. Always with a graceful, gentle form of respect, that made you think, that it wasn't him, withdrawing, but him, allowing you your space.  
It's like magic.  
His way of doing things… They work across cultures, ages and genders, I can tell. It's amazing how, even though we're all so different, human nature will always remain the same.

I pick up my suitcase.  
I have no more excuses to stay here any longer. I know, that this isn't forever. I know that I'll see him again.  
I know.  
Yet it feels incredibly wrong to turn my back on him now, and walk out of this room.

“Farewell” I hear him whisper.

Farewell… idiot. As if. You're not getting rid of me that easily, I think to myself. I turn around and smile at him.  
“Wait for me” I tell him and step out of the room, before he can reply, and make me stay with him right now.

As I step out onto the corridor, I feel as if I was locked in a stuffy room, and now finally I got to breathe fresh air again.  
My mind feels clearer now, that I don't smell him.

I feel as though I were leaving home, to march into battle.  
Aggression, misplaced in my mind, wells up under my skin. It's not simple aggression, I tell myself. It's all due to Taki. All due to the mark, the bond forming steadily, as the mark heals.  
My desire to keep him safe, to protect him from all those other alphas here, whose mingling scents taint the air in the hallways.

Their smell is nauseating to me.  
Shit… screw those hormones here… I can tell they're all way too horny. When was the last time any of them smelled, or even saw an omega?  
When was the last time any of them got it on properly?

Way too long ago. They're pent up. All of them.  
I'm almost out of the door.  
Don't falter now, Wolfstadt, for fuck's sake! I call myself back into the real world. I'm leaving here. I'm going to the train station, and I'm gonna see Claudia one last time.  
Got it Wolfstadt? That's your plan.  
Don't let the urges take over, you know nothing good happens when you do that.

I tug on the collar of my shirt, making sure it covers up the bitemark. The dull ache reminds me of it. I feel the need to hide it, and expose it for all to see at the same time.  
Just like I wish to hide away my Taki, far away from cruel eyes, that seek to see, what doesn't belong to them, just as much as I wish to let them all see, to whom he belongs.  
To me. Me alone!  
He's mine!

I glance back at the imposing buildings of Luckenwalde Military Academy, knowing that he's there. Probably picking at his food reluctantly.  
I know he likes to eat.  
Food – well made food, if I may say so – he always enjoyed. On those days, when I took him to that little inn, preparing fish for him.  
He enjoyed that food I made.  
I smile.

I guess, if you're suppressing all other forms of joy, food truly is a gift to enjoy fully.  
And even that, he can't fully enjoy. I wonder if he'd like the taste of a perfect steak, or a nice gulash?  
I wonder…

I guess though, he'd probably keep refusing to eat it, even if he were starving.  
I shake my head, walking towards the train station steadily as I let my mind wander back to the first weeks he spent at Luckenwalde.  
When he kept forcing himself to function, even though he barely ate enough, leaving the meat on his plate untouched, whenever we were at the canteen.  
At some point, it was too much.

I heard his tray clatter, as he held onto the table, trying to will his knees to cooperate; moments after that his knees gave way and he sank to the ground, letting out a dull groan.  
It scared me, I gotta say.  
It's not everyday that you see a comrade faint out of nowhere.

I rushed to his side, picking him up without a second thought. He had a fever creeping up on him, I could tell.

The days after that I spent in our room, caring for him.

I find myself smirking, as I walk up the stairs to enter the railway station. I walk up to the ticket counter, checking the big clock above the entrance.  
I have some time before my train is scheduled to leave.  
I walk up to the counter, telling them my destination and all they need to know, sounding just a bit too annoyed, I realize.  
What can I do?  
The clerk is an alpha.

I shake my head at myself. Calm down, Wolfstadt, goddammit! I turn away, gazing at the shuffling crowd in the hall, everyone rushing to their trains, or somewhere else. Some with more, some with less baggage on them. Some in groups, some alone. Some with kids, some with animals.  
I have a hard time imagining Taki in the midst of this chaos.

He'd get lost in the crowd, as almost every third person here would be taller than him. I would have a hard time finding him in a crowd like this, I think to myself.  
I'm glad that he'll have a private train waiting for him.  
“Here, your ticket, Sir”, I hear the clerk say, holding up the ticket for me to take. I take it, looking at it, just to be sure.  
From Luckenwalde to Rosenheim and back. I'll have to buy another ticket when I come back, to get to the Capital's Main Station, from where Taki's train will depart, but that's not for now.

I pay for the ticket and start walking again.

I walk to the stairs, going down to the different platforms, to get to the one where my train is waiting.  
I have enough time to walk up the stairs slowly, and yet I feel the urge to run up the stairs, taking two stairs at once.  
It's as though my rush could inspire the rest of the world to hurry up a little.

Or maybe my desire to hurry and run somewhere isn't because I want to get this done, but it is, because I want to go back and hold Taki in my arms again…  
I climb into the train and find a good seat. I put my suitcase up onto the rack above the seat, take off my coat and hang it on the hook provided next to the seat in front of me and sit down.

I start to wonder, what Taki's train will be like.  
It's a private train, so it will likely be quite different from this one. This is a common train, one where civilians and soldiers alike take their seats, no reservations, no compartments. At least in the second class. First class seats are indeed in separate compartments, but I don't feel like spending extra money on luxury like this.

I've been stuck in the back of a truck, shoulder to shoulder with comrades, as we were brought to the front line.

I rest my chin in my hand, resting my elbow on the armrest of the seat.  
My thoughts slowly stagger back to the memory I had in mind, before I entered the station. Taki, collapsing due to malnutrition.  
Why, I don't know…

I feel the smirk creep back onto my lips.  
That was our second kiss, back then. I wonder if he remembers it?

The train moves.  
Finally.

I watch the landscapes pass by, blurring before my eyes. It's so early, yet the sun is glaring at me, peeking out between trees and buildings to try and blind me.

The further we get, the fewer buildings are around.  
Fields and meadows pass by more frequently now, lonely trees scattered across the landscape. Further in the distance a large forest builds a dark green line of separation between the ground and the sky.  
Even further, as the train rushes further across the land, leaving Luckenwalde far behind, the pale blueish outlines of mountains begin to take shape in the distance.

I close my eyes. Sitting here, staring outside won't help me. I'd better rest now.

I drift in and out of sleep. The train's jerky movements waking me up every now and then. It's probably a soldier's curse. The inability to find true rest in an uncalm place.  
People rush past my seat, suitcases clutched in one hand, coats and scarves in the other. Idiots. Prepare yourselves before the train stops, so you don't have to rush out like that.  
I close my eyes again, feeling a frown forming on my face.

The smell of countless people rushing past this seat is becoming more annoying with every breath I take.  
I want to hold Taki in my arms, inhale his sweet, sweet scent and just… even if I don't do anything to him, just holding him would be good.  
Better than this.

I wonder if he's ok.  
Is he eating at all?  
Is he resting?  
How is he feeling?

Is he laying in bed, remembering my touches, my kisses, remembering how I filled him up, as he writhed under me?  
Is he touching his lips with the tips of his fingers? Caressing the healing mark on his neck, slowly learning, that the dull ache is healing away, pain being replaced with intense pleasure?  
Is he yearning for my touch, as he couldn't reach himself where I touched?

I huff and look out of the window.  
Damn… my thoughts… I'm not even near him, I don't even smell him… yet the mere thought of him gets me riled up like this.

More hours pass, dawn has come now. The mountains, that have slowly but surely been getting closer – more like the train got closer to them – have become clearer against the dark sky.  
The gray, purple clouds, with those little sparks of deep fuchsia red posing as a backdrop for the blueish, white contours of the mountains.  
The trees that we pass by glow in a golden green, as the sun shimmers through their leaves.

I should have warned Claudia beforehand, I think to myself, knowing that it's too late now anyways.

 

When I arrive in Rosenheim, the air has gotten chilly. I walk down the familiar road, that leads from the train station into the town.  
Passing by shops, closed up for the night, and houses with their windows lit up, knowing this route so well by now.  
This is where I grew up after all.

My feet carry me up to the cottage where my sister lives before I can even try to remember the route as a line on a map.  
Funny how it's so easy to move in the right direction, even if you don't remember the route consciously.  
At some point maps became sort of useless to me.

Soaring through the sky, enemies right behind me, trying to claw at my tail, trying to shoot off my motors, trying to kill me for good, I had no time to pull out a map, trying to find home.  
So I'd let my instinct take over, letting it lead me back to safety.

I'm here now.  
I'm alive.  
So… that strategy can't be too wrong.

I knock on the door.

Even before I hear Claudia move inside, I hear a familiar 'meow' from beneath my feet.  
Yeah. That cat.  
I smile.

Claudia opens the door, looking slightly annoyed at first, for being disturbed at this late hour, but when her eyes find me in front of the door, she smiles.

“Yoh, Sis” I say, feeling myself relax around her already. My worries about Taki fade away, as the familiar scent of this cottage surrounds me more and more.  
The roses outside, hidden in the dark; I don't have to see them to know they're there.

Their smell feels weak against my memory of Taki's scent though.

“Sorry I'm coming here this late” I say, as she smiles at me, pretending to be annoyed at her stupid little brother, but actually she can't contain her happiness.  
“I should have known it's you and the cat. Who else would it be at this hour?” She asks and allows me to enter.  
“Come in. My husband retired already” she says, walking up to the little table in the kitchen to pour us some tea.

Always, when I come here she has a pot of rose-tea waiting. As if she was waiting for someone to come and join her to drink it.  
“Did something happen?” she asks, her expression happy, but a little bit tense.

Of course she'd know.

I look at her, sad smile on my face.  
“You look happy” she notices, smiling still.  
“Do I?”  
She nods. Expression getting more serious.

“I came here to say goodbye, Claudia” I finally say. Guilt is jabbing at me. No warning, nothing like that to give her time to come to terms with this.  
I just slap her across the face with these news.

“I'm leaving the country, and I'm probably never coming back” I say. Well… it's quite, quite, quite unlikely for me to return here ever again.  
Still, I feel the need to give her this little bit of hope, to not have lost her brother forever.

After all, she cared for me whenever she could. Big sister.  
Caring, smart, gentle, big and pretty sister.  
Always there to greet me, even when things were difficult.  
And here I am now, telling her I'm done here, leaving forever.

“May I ask where?” she asks and rests her hand against her own neck.  
She knows.  
Of course she fucking knows. No need to ask why. She just takes these news as they are.  
Something that can't be taken back.  
“Far away, to the eastern Country, where dad took us ten years ago, remember?” I answer, trying to get her mind off the troubling present.  
Trying to bring her back to those pleasant memories.  
“Dad used to tell us stories, when we were sitting at his bed” stories that feel relevant to my heart even now.  
“One of us won't loose sight of the flower's scent” I say, remembering his words perfectly.  
Back then, he could probably already tell that I'd end up as an alpha.  
“Even today I remember...” I murmur, feeling Claudia's gaze on me.  
She's unsure, restless. Standing by the table, watching me, like she has no idea what my next move could possibly be.

I lean back on the chair.  
If there's one person in this world, whom I can tell this, without fearing her reaction, it's her. She's seen me at my worst, and at my best.  
I lower my head, making up my mind. Slowly I undo the first buttons of my shirt, pulling the collar away just far enough, for her to see the reddish mark on my neck.

She gasps.

I knew it.  
She'd be shocked.  
I look at her, fixing my shirt again.  
She's speechless. Of course she'd be. I've never shown any true interest in any omega here, or anywhere else.  
And now, all of a sudden…  
“Shocked?” I ask, smiling. Trying to lift the mood.  
She lowers her gaze.  
“He's six years younger than me, from such a distant country, and he's so alluring, I couldn't help myself” I admit.  
I guess she can tell, this wasn't a planned decision. To mate, to form a bond. And I know, this doesn't sit well with her.  
But I also know, she understand me. She understands I hadn't done this on purpose, breaking the rules, hurting… him.

She knows my choice, to leave the country is due to the bond. She knows I can't be away from my mate.  
Just like she couldn't be away from hers.

“Idiot” she hisses. I can tell, that this realization, this understanding is sinking into her mind, and she begins to fully comprehend, how this can't be taken back, how this can't be changed.

“Throwing everything away like this… You'll come to despise him if you don't value yourself more” she says, coming around the table to embrace me.  
I rest my head against her soft body for a moment, enjoying the feeling of family one last time.  
“Things can't be changed now, Klaus” she says, hiding her face against the top of my head, “but please, live your life, so you have no regrets”

She steps away from me. Setting me free from this family. I'm my own person now, and yet I'm a prisoner.  
Forever bound to my mate.  
But it's a fate I wouldn't want to change, even if I had the chance.  
“I gotta go”, I say, glancing at my watch. Soon the night train will depart. “Goodbye” I murmur as I step out of the door, looking back at her.  
I hadn't even taken off my coat when I entered the cottage.  
I pick up my suitcase again and start walking, looking back at my sister, at the cottage, the roses, veiled by the darkness.  
She's waving at me, her eyes glistening in the warm glow shining through the opened door from inside the cottage.  
This warmth… the color and the scent, the way the air feels on my skin… I must remember it. This will be the last time, I tell myself.

With every step I take, things begin to sink in.

I'm turning my back on all I once called home. I'm turning my back on my own past. I'm turning my back on the safety and security I had. The place I could run to, when everything else broke down around me.

Not anymore.

This isn't home to me anymore. It couldn't be.

I swallow the lump in my throat, hurrying back to the train station, getting on the train, sitting down, suitcase on the rack, coat on me… it's just a train ride.  
Just a few hours.  
Fuck…  
I hide my face in my hands.

I can't do this… Memories flood my mind, words Dad told me, things Hartmann said… “Don't loose sight of your roots. Loosing them is the loneliest thing in the world” he said. Am I not turning my back on my roots?  
Leaving home behind.

Fuck…

If I had Taki near me… If I could hold him close… I want him now.  
Let me forget the pain of loss.  
This isn't loss… this is… I'm throwing it all away.

I know it's not Taki's choice.  
I know it's mine.  
I know it's not Taki's fault. He bit me… he made me his, and I made him mine.  
I held him down, I know… he's…

He's innocent.

I can't force myself, my needs onto him like this… telling myself that I'm not wrong, that I'm pleasing him… I can't twist reality like this…

I take a deep breath.

In only 8 hours I'll be with Taki again.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note: We all know, that Klaus' mother tongue is German. Being German myself, I thought I'd do the following: Whenever Klaus and Taki are around their oriental chaperons, I'll have them speak actual German. (Klaus speaks in a dialect btw. Because dialects are hot) Also, a few of Taki's subordinates speak German too. Chamberlain Hasebe in particular.  
> I decided to make his German imperfect though. Because jabbing at this doitsu-pronounciation is fun.  
> Basically, the first chapters' dialogues would have had to be written entirely in German, if I had made it language-accurate. But that would have made no sense in an English-written story. Long story short: You guys better grab a German-English dictionary!  
> Have fun~

I haven't slept at all. Staring into the night, watching it slowly turn from midnight to dawn, from dawn to sunrise, from sunrise to… arrival.  
I get out of the train, checking the time.  
I have 20 minutes to reach Taki and the train, that's waiting to take him back home; and hopefully it'll take me with him.

“Wait for me” I had told him. I so dearly hope he will.

I hurry up the stairs to the seventh platform, sliding inside the train, besides other passengers.  
I feel the need to run up and down along the train.  
Adrenaline is rushing through me. As if I could make this train hurry up more, by being agitated like this.  
I don't even sit down. I have my suitcase standing between my feet, as I watch the town scape pass by through the window.  
The speed of the train makes the outside world appear blurry, and yet I wish it would go faster. Faster, hurry, hurry…

It's only 18 minutes left…  
Time drags on so agonizingly slow.  
I cannot allow myself to drift away into deeper thoughts, that would make time pass by faster. I'm too afraid to miss my station.  
I'm too afraid that something might go wrong.  
What if we have to stop for some reason?

I grit my teeth.  
The mark is tingling. It feels like a constant whiplash, like scraping your knee continuously, like… like clawing at a fresh wound.  
I want to be near him.  
I want him to soothe my pain, I want him to…  
I pick up my suitcase.

It's only 3 more stations to go, I better get ready.  
That's 8 minutes.  
I set down the suitcase again.  
Calm down Wolfstadt, for fuck's sake! I let out a frustrated groan.

A few people look up to me, wondering what's with me, probably. I believe I can see an omega ducking away as my gaze drifts across his form.  
As if I'd want someone like him.  
I want my Taki!

We're standing at a station now. Come on, please, just move… move…

My anxiety hasn't gotten better, as I had been staring out of the window.  
The break of day felt, like it meant something. Like a slowly progressing birth, or a slow and agonizing death…  
Why does my mind keep going back to those thoughts?  
How often have I watched Taki sleep, while the red morning sun crept up behind the buildings of Luckenwalde?  
How often have I seen him wake up, finding me awake and wondering, if I had slept at all?  
Well… too often.  
The bags under my eyes have always been… a feature of mine.  
The train moves on.  
I finally see the more industrial buildings, that dominate the Capital. It's only closer to the city center, where the shops and apartment buildings are crowded. The Capital was build for industrial purposes back then. Living space had only been an afterthought, so all those buildings were squeezed into the free spaces of the capital around the factories.

There are over twenty platforms, and when I see the train standing right at the first platform, my aching heart finally calms down.  
We're on time.

It takes my train so damn long to finally come to a halt. For the doors to finally be unlocked, and for the passengers to finally get out of the train.  
It's raining. I've been watching the raindrops get bigger, as they ran down the window in front of which I was standing.

I start walking, down the stairs, across the underpass, up the stairs to platform one.

I finally… finally calm down.

He's here.  
He's still standing outside, glancing across the empty platform, his black suitcase right besides him.  
As though he couldn't even make himself enter the train at all…

An older man steps out of the train and talks to him. He's likely one of Taki's staff. He's wearing the same uniform as Taki.  
I come closer, my eyes taking in every detail of his form.  
I've never seen him in his country's uniform.

He's so… elegant in it.  
The green color of his coat is incredibly rich. It stands out against the pale background. All the industrial buildings, that frame the entire train station appear veiled behind the thick curtain of falling rain. His figure is beautifully brought out by the coat, that he is wearing.

I come even closer, seeing him turn towards the door of the train.  
His coat sways behind him, dancing around his legs as he walks. I watch him, smiling. I'm getting so close, that I can hear his soft steps on the wet ground, so close that I can smell his sweet scent.

He turns towards me.

My smile grows wider, as I see him react to my presence so clearly.  
His eyes, that seemed dull just moments before, now shine like deep, dark ocean water. His cheeks, that were pale pink, due to the cool rain before, are now red flushed. His lips… He takes soft breaths through his mouth, trembling softly.

He did wait for me.

“Take me with you” I say, walking right up to him. His expression softens.  
I reach out to him, grabbing his hand, that is so warm, despite the rain.  
“It's easy” I add, pulling his hand closer to me, right up to my lips, “all you have to do, is make me yours”  
I know, that he understands my words. I know he understands perfectly.  
I can see it in his expression.  
How he fully abandons the idea, to pull his hand away from me, even as I lay my lips against the back of his hand.  
I take a deep breath.

This scent… this scent… it's what I've been yearning for in the last days. I suppress a pleasant shudder.  
“Aah… seriously… your scent is still just like that of a flower” I whisper against his skin.

The man, who had been talking to Taki moments ago, now turns towards me, taking the suitcase from Taki.  
“Taki-sama?” he asks, looking at me suspiciously.

“This man” Taki says, his voice smooth and low, gentle in a way, that I have not heard yet, “shall be my Knight”

I close my eyes for a moment.  
I have nothing to fear. No losses to mourn.

I left my home behind, I left the past behind, all that held me down all the years before, none of it matters anymore.  
None of it has to do with him, and none of it will touch him, defile him.  
My past is over.

“I-I see… please board the train now. It's scheduled to leave now”, the man says, and I squeeze Taki's hand encouragingly before letting him go.

He steps onto the running board and climbs into the train. He turns back to me, waiting for me to follow.  
I bite the inside of my cheek. He is too adorable like this.  
Afraid I'll withdraw at the last moment? Nope. Not gonna happen.

I didn't go through almost 24 agonizing hours without him, just to change my mind at the very last moment.

I step onto the running board and swiftly follow him. I glance at the interior of the train. It's clearly a private train, for royalty. Nothing like those normal trains, that commoners take. Nothing like those trains, that I had been on yesterday.

There is something… difficult about the air in here though.  
It smells dead.  
No, sterile.  
This is a train, that is maintained perfectly, kept clean – spotless and shiny. Something feels off, I think to myself, ignoring this feeling for now.

Taki starts walking through the narrow corridor, and I naturally follow him. So does this other guy.  
The train releases some steam, whistling loudly, before the heavy wheels are set in motion, and the train starts moving.  
Taki holds onto the wall for security, before going on.  
I look out of the window for a moment.  
That's it. It feels, as though it's all way too easy. Just like that I'm leaving everything behind.

I turn back towards Taki's subordinate. He's a bit out of shape, I'd say. Looking like he's about 40 years old.  
I'm amazed how he looks similar to Taki in a way, and yet he looks so different from Taki. It's their ethnicity, I tell myself.  
All of them share a few features, like those dark eyes, dark hair and fair skin.

It almost feels like they're all poor imitations of Taki's beauty.  
I roll my eyes at myself.

“Chamberlain Hasebe, would you please show Klaus to his compartment?” Taki asks, once he stops at the door of a certain compartment.  
It's his own, I guess.  
“Certainly” comes the instant reply from this Chamberlain.  
I glance around, memorizing the position of the compartment. If I'm not mistaken, we are near the middle of the train, a bit further to the front though.

Taki had taught me a little bit of his language. Far from enough to hold a conversation, for sure… but at least something.

“Klaus von Wolfstadt?” that Hasebe guy asks. He knows my full name? I smirk. So Taki had understood it all, and had taken action, informing his staff, of our plans.  
I nod.  
“Allow me to lead you to your compartment” he says and I frown slightly. God, this is harder than I thought.  
Taki's voice carries the words in such a gentle way, it's easy to follow them.  
This guy sounds, like he has something constantly poking him in the ribs.  
“Machen S' mal Halblang” I mutter.  
Taki turns towards me.  
“Chamberlain Hasebe, would you please speak German with him? Klaus is not fluent in our language yet” he says, his voice sounding so gentle.

“Understood” Hasebe says, turning to me again.  
“Gestatten Sie mir Sie zu ihrem Abteil zu fuhren” he says, and the hairs on my arms stand up, the hairs in my neck stand up, my jaw tenses.  
God… this pronounciation…  
It's amazing how Taki spoke German so beautifully, while Chamberlain Hasebe struggles to produce the typical melody and tone of my native language, making it almost painful to listen to.

“Klar” I reply, trying to hide my displeasure. I look at Taki, who slides open the door of his compartment.  
“Wir sehen uns noch?” I ask. It's not a question. It's a… suggestion. I know he'll allow me my wish, for it's just as much his own will.

He lowers his head in the tiniest of nods.  
That's enough for me.  
I nod to myself and turn towards Hasebe, ready to follow him for now.

He leads me far to the back of the train, probably right to the very last wagon. Keeping me as far away from Taki as possible, huh?  
Of course they can tell, that I'm an alpha. Of course they gotta protect their precious _Taki-sama_ from me.  
If only they knew, they come too late.

Hasebe is a beta, so I doubt he could pick up the faint change in Taki's scent. But I clearly sense it.  
His heat is ebbing away.  
Hasebe leaves, but another member of Taki's staff shows up, standing like a statue next to my seat.  
A guard, huh? A beta too.  
I enter my compartment and take off my coat and hang it up. I sit down, already bored. I stuff my hands into the pockets of my trousers. At least the seat isn't too uncomfortable. It's soft, not like the wooden seats in a common train. Gotta say, a private train isn't that bad.

Still though…  
This thought is running around in my head, like a panicked animal.

His heat should be lasting for a few days more at least… Something's off. Really.  
Probably it's this medication he's taking.  
Maybe it's a sort of suppressant?

Or maybe there's something else about it.

I take a deeper breath. Again, this clean air in here irks me.

I was so caught up in the moment. I let out a sigh.  
I feel the need to check on him. To take in his scent, to understand his condition. I want to hold him, feel his skin under my hands.

I sigh.

Maybe it's this stark contrast, between the sterile air in this train, and my awareness of his scent, is what makes it so hard to calm down for me.  
Maybe it's this fact, that makes his scent appear so much stronger to me.

I wonder if the other members of his staff sense this at all. Are they betas? Likely…

I get up, put on my coat and leave the compartment, ignoring my guard's protests.  
I believe I hear him mutter something about rules, and etiquette, but I couldn't care less about either.  
I'm done waiting in here, rotting away on my own. That's now why I'm on this train!

Are they just gonna let me sit here for three days, if I don't come out on my own?

I know I'm giving up my human rights, basically. But we're not across the border yet. Not even close!

I'm not gonna waste my time in here.

I start walking down the corridor back to where I remember Taki's compartment is. The guard is right behind me, continuously protesting and yapping about how I can't just walk around here like that.

I halt my movements when I hear voices from behind the door. It's probably the dining room of the train.

The door is slid open, and indeed, my ears did not betray me.  
Taki himself steps out of the room.

He's shocked to see me here, I can tell. I smile.

“Hey”, I say and look at him.

After him comes Chamberlain Hasebe, along with a group of other staff members  
“Können wir auf dein Abteil gehen?” I ask Taki, ignoring Hasebe's shocked expression. I look at my chaperon, and his colleagues.  
“Ich kann mit diesen Kerlen einfach nichts anfangen” I say, looking back at Taki.

Around us their protesting and annoyed voices rise up.  
He looks at me, and I feel like he's looking at a child.  
“Ich sterb' vor Langeweile” I add.

Hasebe pushes himself between Taki and me.  
“Herr von Wolfstadt!” he calls out, looking up at me with a glare. Does he even realize how stupid he looks?  
A tiny, chubby man such as himself, glaring at an alpha, such as myself? I guess it doesn't matter much, since I'm gonna be Taki's _property_ but still. This is laughable.  
I can't really laugh though.

“Ich verstehe Sie sind ein personlicher Freund von Taki-sama” he says, in this horrible attempt at German. I can't even pretend to be interested in his words.  
“… aber bitte seien Sie sich ihres Standes hier bewusst!”

Taki's expression softens, shock finally leaving his face. He lays his hand on Hasebe's arm, pushing him aside ever so gently.  
“Taki-sama!” Hasebe says, looking at Taki with a shocked expression.  
I raise my eyebrows.  
“It's fine” Taki says to his Chamberlain, and I can't quite believe my luck, when he says the next words. “Klaus – mein Abteil”

It's an invitation.  
A clear one.  
Very clear.

“But, Taki-sama…!” Hasebe sputters. My chaperon opens his mouth, unable to even form words.

“I believe, I already made clear, that this man will be my Knight” Taki says. The way he forms those words… even without fully having a grasp on the nuances of his language, I can tell just how polite, and yet decisive his words are.  
“Can't we please have some time now, to exchange some friendly words?” he asks, glancing at Hasebe in a way, that tells him to shut up about it. Or rather, in Taki's words, he would politely ask him, to not interfere with his wishes anymore.  
I begin to truly feel like a brute around him.

At Luckenwalde, for sure, Taki has always had this air around him. Like an angel among men. An omega around alphas.  
A prince among the common folk.

But at Luckenwalde he wore the same uniform as us. He walked on the same hallways as us. He slept in the same room as me.  
I could touch him, talk to him, see him whenever I wanted to.

Now though…  
We are being kept apart.

They must protect their high and mighty ruler from the ill-mannered foreigner.

And yet… Taki starts walking, followed by Hasebe, towards his compartment. I follow as well.  
Will Hasebe stay?

Taki slides open the door of his compartment and allows me to enter, asking Hasebe to please give us some privacy.

I can't quite believe my luck.

Once the door is shut, I grab Taki by the shoulders and push him against the wall right next to the door, kissing him deeply.  
This…  
These soft lips, his hot breath… his scent… all of this… I've been craving it.  
I felt like his scent had been stuck in my memory, driving me mad… but no. That memory is nothing but a faint sliver of his scent.

The real thing is so much deeper, more complex and so much sweeter.

He's trying to escape, trying to withstand me somehow, but I'm not going to let him. When he opens his mouth, gasping softly, I slide my tongue into his mouth, nudging his.  
This sweet taste of his.  
I can tell he just had some tea, as it is tainting his otherwise pure fragrance, but I don't mind it. I'm taking him, however I can get him.  
However I can hold him, I'm gonna hold him.  
Embrace him… tighter, more… stronger…

I slide my hands down along his arms, grabbing his hands.

Using my body to press him further against the wall, feel me, Taki, feel me here.  
I break the kiss finally, gasping for air, looking at him.  
He's flustered already, lips wet, eyes glossy. Panting softly.  
Yes…  
There it is. The sweet allure of his scent, the call of his body, it's pleas to be touched, to be held and filled.  
I nuzzle his neck, the spot where my mark is hidden under his collar.  
Good boy, huh? He hid it well.  
But he can't hide it from me. Not the mark, not his scent, not his heat.

I breathe against his neck.  
“Finally… at last… I can touch you again” I mutter. I lean my cheek against his, inhaling more of his scent.  
Again… there it is.  
This scent, like that of white roses. I can feel it almost, a honey-like taste on my tongue. I want more.  
I know I'll never get sick of it.

“It hasn't even been that long, and yet I feel like it's been ages” I murmur, planting small kisses all over his lips, his cheeks and neck.  
I release his hands, cradling his face instead, running my fingers through his hair, tilting his chin up, so I can kiss him more.  
He's writhing already.  
Trying to escape me, while clutching my sleeves.

I smile, breathing in more of his scent.

It's unfolding, blossoming… more subtle fragrances become clearer to me now. It's like the petals of a rose. Opening it all up to uncover the core.  
Layers of sweetness… honey-like, fruity, sugary, milky, spicy and hot, fragrant and cool, like mint…  
I kiss his neck, whispering against his skin “You smell so good...”  
He lets out a mewl, pushing me away ever so slightly.  
“Don't… the Chamberlain outside...” he mutters, tears in his eyes about to spill over.

I kiss his eyelids, kissing away the tears before they can fall.

Letting my hands travel further down, hooking my thumb under his belt. He clutches my arm, looking at me with fearful eyes.  
“I'm a starved man” I say, looking him in the eyes “don't deny me of my salvation”

He's trembling.  
Hesitant.  
He takes a few sobbing breaths, raises his hand. I tilt his chin up again, kissing him gently. I feel myself relaxing.  
My madness is fading away, leaving a calmer desire behind. I want to pleasure him, I want to hold and kiss him like this…

He rests his hand on my shoulders, holding me close, just like I'm holding him, yet his touch is so gentle, so tender…  
I feel his heat through my coat, my shirt… it's burning holes through my clothes.

I tighten my grip around his waist, pulling him away from the wall, towards the bed. We're gonna be on this train for 3 days. Of course there's a bed.

I slide off my coat, push him down onto the bed, crawling on top of him immediately.  
You're not getting away now, you can't run from me… you won't try to, right? You don't want to run. You want me to hold you, Taki…  
He's holding onto me, clutching the fabric of my shirt, as I undo his, sliding it off his shoulders, exposing his body, his flushed skin, my mark…

He's trembling.  
He's crying.  
He's pressing his hand against his lips.  
He's so tense…

I don't want him to be tense like this… I slow down, looking at him, concerned.  
“Taki, what's wrong?”


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "This chapter is written entirely from Taki's POV"  
> -Tenkamchi-Sama

I can't do this. I cannot fight him off. I cannot resist him. His golden eyes pierce me, look deep inside me and leave me bare. Nothing to hide myself behind. He looks at me.  
I want turn away and hide. I want to be gone and remain unseen. I don't want to fall under his spell again, left unable to fight him off.  
The way he looks at me, I can't handle. It scares me, how he could do to me whatever he wanted, and I wouldn't have the heart to tell him no.  
I feel, like I'm sedated.  
No, like... I'm burning up. My heart is beating frantically, as though it was trying to escape, before it got hurt. But it's too late, isn't it?

I had no idea what it meant, for him, an alpha, and me... an omega to engage in this manner.  
But now I know.  
It's numbing pain to be apart.  
I'm starved just like he is.

Just three days ago, my body had been burning up with desire. I had tried to resist, tried to escape, to hide away, but he followed.  
I had felt it as I left the headmaster's office at Luckenwalde. I should have ran at this point. But I didn't.  
He followed.  
His towering form, always like a shadow by my side.  
I knew he was an alpha. Of course I knew. What I didn't know, was that I'm an omega.  
Nobody had ever taught me.  
Suguri, an alpha himself, had always been responsible for my health, ever since I started my military training. He had given me those pills, that had made my body a little bit stronger than it was. Or did they?  
After this... desire, this heat set in, and Klaus withdrew from me, I noticed, how I wasn't feeling stronger at all. How instead I felt my temperature drop lower.  
The madness faded. My desire for Klaus... it faded.  
Being held by him suddenly felt shockingly scary. Being near him, felt like constant danger.  
And yet, as soon as he came back, as soon as I sensed his scent, as soon as he touched me again...  
It all awoke again.

And now, even if I wanted, I couldn't run.  
He is holding me down, kissing my skin wherever his lips can reach. He licks my neck, the bite mark he left tingling with a faint whisper of pain. But once the pain fades, pleasure remains.  
Hot traces of his touches mark my body. I feel my own wetness.  
I squeeze my eyes shut, suppressing a whimper.  
He looks at me... His eyes see through me... If I open my eyes now, I'll...  
“Taki” he whispers, kissing my cheek.  
I open my eyes.  
He looks at me.  
He looks almost angry, pained... I sob, lips tense, eyes wide. I dare not to breathe. If I inhale his scent now, I'll be lost.  
His frown fades, a guilty smile forming on his lips.  
“Taki, I'll hold you for however long you need me to” he says and kisses me.  
Oh no...  
His scent... I moan against his lips, inhaling more and more.  
I'm falling apart!  
I can't remember anymore, the things that once made up my entire being.  
Starting with every morning's purifying washing of my body, putting on my robes and ending with a bow and a prayer to our gods, to protect us as we sleep. It's all fading away, far beyond my reach. All I can hold onto is Klaus.  
He's tearing me apart and putting me back together at the same time. He's melting me, molding me into a perfect being. _To him at least._  
To the others though.. They must never see...  
They must never see this part of me.  
They already saw too much. When Klaus spoke to Chamberlain Hasebe I should have told him to pay respect to a superior. I should have.  
But I didn't.  
I couldn't.

Too strong was the desire to give in to the barely hidden promise of unspeakable pleasure that Klaus' words held.  
And even his words, that had no deeper meaning... I smile weakly, looking up at him.  
He looks at me, his eyes glowing dangerously while his expression softened.  
Are we back in our room? Please, let us be back there. Let us stay there. I want to laugh with Klaus and Hans, walking around in the hallways, chatting about this and that. Hearing Klaus talk in his mother tongue was such joy. He relaxed more like that.  
It got me to relax too.

I want to go back. Run away, far away from the nearing war. My responsibilities are too much. I'm only 19. I'll turn 20 soon. I was raised to tackle these responsibilities one day, and yet I feel like I'd never be ready, even if I turned a hundred years old.  
Such is war.  
Why did Klaus have to be so painfully right? I cannot admit it; ever. No one may know. I may not be weak.  
I know.  
But I am.  
And Klaus carefully peels away all the layers that were put on me - masking my true self, like the heavy robes that I wear as Sakone no Daishou. They are a costume.  
And he knows that. He does, right?

I'm a vessel on earth, for our gods to inhabit. My body is not my own.  
I've been taught this ever since I can remember.  
The way I hold my cutlery, the things I eat, the way I form my words, the way I choose them; the way I hold my body, the way I walk, set my feet onto the ground; the way I force my gaze to remain soft, even in anguish or anger... all of it is unnatural. It's divine.

This form, that Klaus is uncovering is human.  
Painfully human.  
I feel as though he is robbing me of my dignity, and yet I'd never want him to stop.

He leans onto his right arm, using his free hand to stroke my body. My chest, his fingertips grazing my collarbones; slowly his hand wanders further down. His fingertips rub tiny circles around my nipples and I bite my lip. No... Oh no...  
I fear the pleasure, the tingling sensation that runs from my chest straight to my crotch. It's shameful.  
“So beautiful” he murmurs, watching my body react. What is he saying...?

He kisses my neck, nuzzles my cheek.  
I claw at the sheet beneath me.  
He smiles, looking like a happy fool somehow, while his eyes still glow with dark, dangerous lust.  
His hand wanders further down.  
Oh no... Oh please... I turn my head away.  
He'll see... He'll feel how soaked I am.

His fingers trace the line from my chest, my navel down to the hair on that shameful place. And his fingers go further.  
He strokes me. His fingers play around my hip bones, going closer to my hard flesh, then dancing further away again.  
It messes me up.  
I want him to touch me, but at the same time I want to curl up and hide - _curl up, sticking out your ass so he can fuck you senseless_ \- a voice adds to my thoughts.  
It's my own.  
It's my own voice, in my own thoughts.

I sob.  
I cannot bear this.

He wraps his long fingers around my flushed member, stroking it with his thumb. I shudder. This is not what I want. What I need now.  
I arch my back off the mattress, feeling more fluid wetting my behind.  
He smiles.  
“You're just as wet as me” he says, his voice a low, husky purr.  
I reach for him.  
I clutch the shoulders of his shirt.  
“Taki” he says, pausing.  
I wait. I cannot dare to look at him, can I? He's still waiting.  
I dare to look at him. At his golden eyes.  
He seems sad. Just why... I lay my hand against his cheek before I could even think of anything to say.  
His expression grows softer and he lowers his head, like a big, wet dog. Like... how is it said in German?  
'Ein begossener Pudel' that's how. Just that Klaus isn't a poodle, but a wolf.  
 _Ein begossener Wolf._  
I smile.

It seems to give him strength again.  
He reaches down again, even further and brushes his fingertips against my hole.

I wince, not in pain, but … in fear?  
“Remember Taki” Klaus murmurs, rubbing the sensitive skin around my entrance. Remember… what?  
He looks at me, his eyes soft and loving.  
I could weep.  
He shifts, pulling his fingers away from between my legs again, and I look at him questioningly. He doesn't give me any sort of reply to my unspoken question, and instead nudges me, so I push myself up on my ellbows a little.  
He puts his arm behind my neck, so I can rest the back of my head against his arm, and I do as he silently tells me to.  
With his fingers he strokes my cheek; runs them through my hair. I look at him.

He slowly reaches between my legs again, and I begin do understand this. He can hold me now, tightly against him, making it impossible for me to escape.  
I let out a defeated sigh. As if I would.

He puts his hand against my thigh now, running his hand up and down. Suddenly he grabs my thigh, pulling it up, giving his hand free access to my entrance now.  
And with only a few shifts… he could…

I pant.  
My eyes linger on his hand, the little bit I can see of it, as he starts rubbing my perineum again, dipping the tip of his index finger into my hole ever so slightly every now and then. Please, finally… I close my eyes.  
“Relax” he whispers against my ear and pushes one finger inside.

I moan softly. Yes… yes, finally… yes…!  
He takes his time.  
His finger slides inside easily. I can feel his knuckles entering, his free fingers stroke me slightly. He curls his finger inside me.  
I bite my lip hard before the moan can tear itself from my throat.  
He pauses.  
“Nobody will hear” he promises, kissing my cheek, my temple, my forehead.

I open my eyes, looking at him.  
He looks back at me, smiling as he curls his finger inside me again.

My mouth falls open in a silent cry.  
He keeps the pressure on that spot up, inside me. Soon the trembling of my body becomes stronger. Soon I'm panting. Soon I'm writhing against him, torn between the wish to run away, and to feel more.

He pulls his finger out, just to push in with two, as soon as I took another breath.  
I moan, arching my back as he pushes them in deeper.  
“Yes, Taki. Just like that” he murmurs, rewarding me with a kiss.

He licks my lower lip, nudging between my lips with his tongue and I comply, opening my mouth, moaning into the kiss.

He thrusts his fingers in harder and faster. My moans turn into cries, muffled only by Klaus' kiss.  
His right hand, gripping my hair keeps me in place, as he has his way with my body.

I want more!  
I roll my hips, writhe, trying to feel more. I push my hips against him, more… oh please, more…  
He's keeping me just on the edge, not allowing me to fall just yet.  
Oh, but I want to fall…

If it's him pushing me over the edge, I'll fall happily. Just please…  
He's taught me pleasure once. I want to feel that again!  
Now that I'm getting a taste of it again, I want more…

He pushes his fingers in – three now – right up against that spot inside me. I break the kiss, crying out, tears spilling from my eyes.  
“K-Klaus… please...” I manage to whimper.  
He groans, growls and kisses me again.

His fingers thrust even harder now. It almost hurts.  
“Come, Taki” he pants against my lips, kissing me again and again, while his fingers keep stimulating that spot inside me.  
It's a slow push.

It happens slowly, but at some point my body starts contracting and twitching, pleasure overwhelming me.  
A drawn out, low moan escapes my throat, as I come.

I only realize I shut my eyes, when Klaus kisses my eyelids.  
His fingers run through my hair, stroke my forehead while I slowly calm down again.  
When I open my eyes again, Klaus is smiling at me.  
He kisses my forehead and slowly pulls out his fingers.

I shudder once they're out. I feel cold now.

His fingers… he's holding them up now, looking at the clear fluid that's been smeared all over them. So filthy…  
I look around, isn't there a towel or anything here? He can't just keep it like that… I must… 

He licks his fingers.

I stop breathing, shocked by his action.  
“N-no, don't! It's dirty… Klaus!” I stutter weakly.  
He looks at me, his gaze piercing.

“Taki, I'll take all of you” he says, licking his lips, as he pulls his right arm out from behind my neck, propping himself up on his arms, hovering above me.  
He is scary.

My eyes widen, when I look up at him, seeing his expression. He looks so angry, somehow. I know he isn't angry.  
But his furowed brows, as though he was biting back his pain, his tense jaw and his golden eyes, looking at me make me feel, like I'm bad. Like I must apologize.  
He somehow smiles.

Maybe he's angry at himself, for whatever reason?  
He kisses me briefly and pulls away.  
I blink a few times, pushing myself up on my ellbows to see, what he's doing.  
I should have stayed put.

He's stroking himself, using the residual fluid on his fingers to coat his length.  
I cannot take my eyes off his hands.  
I hear him laugh softly and my gaze snaps up to him.  
He smirks and shakes his head fondly. He sets his right hand down next to my head again and leans over me, kissing me once more.  
He's so gentle, and I cannot help myself, but fear and hate this fact.  
It's an apology, that I taste on his lips.

His tip pushes against my entrance, and I clutch his shoulders, trying to… what?  
Push him away? Pull him closer?  
Comfort me…  
It's way too easy.  
When his tip slides in, it doesn't even hurt.  
He pushes in further, stretching me more. It burns. I feel like I'm being torn, but I cannot cry. I throw back my head, mouth open in a silent scream, while he pushes himself further inside me.  
I feel him too much, and not enough.

He pauses, panting softly.

I exhale, close my mouth and breathe through my nose a few times.  
I'm so used to his scent, I realize. It fills up this room. When I first entered the compardment, it smelled clean.  
It's a smell I've gotten used to for all of my life.

It's a smell I forgot for a short while.  
At Luckenwalde.

I look up at him.  
He slowly removes his hand from between my legs and strokes my chest with his wet fingers.

Just as slowly, he pulls back his hips, and just as slowly, he pushes them forward again.

I cannot find any words, any way to speak of what I feel.  
The outlines of his shape blur. All I feel is his width, his sheer size. All I feel is the pressure building up with every agonizing thrust.

He lets out a shuddering growl, closing his eyes, lowering his head.  
He shudders and stops breathing for a moment.  
His hips snap forward, all of him hitting deep inside me.

I cry out. My hands fall above my head as I try to muffle my voice somehow.  
So good… I want to keep this feeling. Forever.

He grabs my wrists with one hand, looking me in the eyes.  
He thrusts again.  
Hard.  
Harder.  
Again.

I could only toss and turn, letting out cries that I was convinced everyone aboard this train could hear. But I couldn't suppress them. Klaus had torn away all of my self restraint, had turned me into a wanton heap of unbearable sensations.  
From his hot breath, ghosting across my skin in between his open-mouthed kisses, to his warm, pulsating length, that thrust into me relentlessly... I felt it all; way too aware of each sensation.  
His calloused fingertips brushed across my skin, goosebumps following the invisible traces his touches leave on me.  
I can only cry, moan, mewl; hold onto his arms, shoulders. Clutching any scrap of self control, but letting it run through my fingers anyways.  
He's carving himself into me.  
I had no idea what he'd meant by that, when he muttered these words on that night; at the inn. I had been shocked, when he swept me off my feet, holding me in his arms so tightly I could barely breathe.  
I guess... he's teaching me the meaning of his words right now.

He moves further down from my neck to my collar bones, down to my chest.  
His left hand starts playing with my right nipple, while his lips catch my left nipple, licking it, sucking on it roughly.  
Almost as though he was hoping for...  
I let out a wail, feeling his hot mouth on my sensitive skin. It'll leave a mark, I'm sure of it.  
When he finally pulls away, he makes a sloppy smacking sound.  
I blush.  
Gods, this is too much...  
He smiles, licking his lips, as though he just tasted something delicious.  
My skin feels cold now. I almost wish he'd touch and kiss me more, to warm me up.  
He presses his lips against mine, sliding his tongue into my mouth.   
He thrusts into me again; swallowing my cries with this deep kiss.  
When he rolls his hips, grinding into me as hard as possible, my leaking tip brushes against his abdomen. His firm muscles glisten with my dirty fluid.  
I want to cry out ... more...!  
I cannot bear this much!  
Yet it's not enough, he keeps going. Harder.  
Harder.  
Harder.  
I come.

It happens so suddenly, that I couldn't even take a breath to scream.  
Now all I can do is choke out breathless, silent cries.  
He holds still, looking down at me as my body just trembles and twitches.  
All his touches flood through my mind, flashing up and leaving me overly sensitive and numb at the same time.

When the waves that flooded over me finally calm again, I inhale desperately. I drowned and came back to life.  
Klaus is still looking at me, stroking my cheek as I pant heavily.  
“So amazing... Taki...” he murmurs and slowly pulls out.  
I whimper weakly. This is too much!

He thrusts right back into me.

I'd scream if I could.  
I try to claw at him only my arms are too weak, my hands too heavy.  
I toss and turn, instantly over flooded again with these sensations.  
He's biting his lip as he thrusts slowly into me. He's letting out deep, guttural groans and moans.  
His eyes are deep, dark with lust. The bridge of his nose flushed red, sweat glistening on his forehead.  
This is raw lust.

I cannot bring out anything more, than weak, desperate, fearful and overwhelmed wails; sobs and cries.  
My face is wet with sweat, tears, and saliva from countless kisses.  
Klaus kisses the corner of my eye, licking away the tears before they fall.  
“I know, Taki... I know...” he mutters, huffing inn between his words as he thrusts harder.

I come again, screaming this time.  
I feel him twitching inside me. He came too...  
He's rutting against me, jerking his hips back and forth with no control over his movements.  
My pants grow faster. I feel his hot seed inside me. It's scary.  
And yet - I want more.


	6. Chapter 6

Amazing…

I cannot get enough of him. Of his sweet cries, of his heat…  
He squeezes me so tightly, his legs trembling, chest heaving… I lower my head, nuzzling his wet cheek, moving down to his neck.  
His scent is so intense… so sweet.  
It's like his scent changes all the time. It's always like I'm breathing in his scent for the first time. Something is blossoming in this fragrance. Interlaced with the honey like sweetness, a fainter, softer and cooler flavor is becoming stronger.  
I lick his neck; the slightly raised scar, my mark on him. It's like licking morning dew off a rose. I pull away, looking at the mark.  
I'm exhausted, sweaty, but all I sense is his smell.  
I look at the mark.  
It's still bruised, the pale skin reddish purple around the edges. Dark red scabs still cover most of the injury.

I touch the mark carefully.  
It reminds me of a velvety rose. A deep red one.

His skin…  
I bow down again, running my lips across his skin. His chest, collar bones, up to his jaw and cheek; placing a kiss on his nose.

His eyelids flutter, tears spilling over his cheeks again. His eyes are glossy, gaze unfocused.  
I rub away a tear with my thumb, cradling his face with my right hand.

My heart aches when I look at him like this.

He's a mess - crying, panting. I feel like I hurt him, even though he just came. Three times in a row.  
I feel like the pleasure hurt him.  
Why does he cry like this?  
Why did he scream like that?

Why does he hurt so much?

I take a deep breath.  
“Taki” my tongue feels heavy when I speak, exhaustion audible in my voice.

He looks like he's about to burst into tears.  
I stroke his cheek.  
“Shhh, relax” I murmur, pulling out slowly.

He scrunches up his face in discomfort, letting out a wail when I finally slip out of him.

I sit back, allowing myself a moment to look at him. His legs are spread, sprawled over mine. His cum is splattered across his belly. He's gone soft already.  
His hole is flushed red, pinkish slick and thick white cum – mine – slowly seeping out of it.

I guess I hurt him a bit.

He slowly drags his legs to the side, curling himself into a little ball. I scoot a bit closer to him, laying behind him, so his back rests against my chest.  
Smiling I nuzzle his nape, running my hand over his arm, down to his side, his waist, hip, reaching further down to caress his thighs.  
He shudders slightly under my touch.

I place open mouthed kisses along his neck, down to his shoulders, reaching around him, grabbing his right hand with mine.

His scent has gotten weaker.  
The sweetness is less alluring. It reminds me of candy, given to a crying child.

We are jerked abruptly when the train stops, the wheels screeching on the tracks.  
The rhythmic rattling and puffing from the locomotive goes silent.

Taki grabs my arm, startled and looks around.  
I push myself up and pull away the curtain from the window by the bed.  
Wheat fields stretch out as far as I can see, melting into the horizon. I look around a bit more, seeing a tall tower. A water container.  
“We're stopped here to refill the water” I explain, turning back towards Taki.

He pulled up the blanket from the bed by now, covering himself with it.

I lean towards him, stealing a kiss.

I'm tempted to have my way with him once more, fully aware, that he'll have to bite back all of his moans this time, as the train's wheezing won't overpower his voice now.

I hold the kiss, holding him down when he tries to pull away. I have a better idea.

Reluctantly I let him go.  
“I guess… we should get out for a while. It'll take 'bout two hours till the train moves on again. It's gonna get suspicious if we stay in here”

He looks at me for a moment, and I smile at his unbelieving expression. He reaches for something on the ground and when he pulls it up, I see it's his shirt.

I move away, off the bed to reach for my clothes too. I laugh softly, when I find his trousers on top of my coat.  
So tiny.

I guess I could barely get one leg through… or maybe an arm…?

I hold it out to him, who is wearing his shirt now. It barely covers his crotch, and his awkward tries to pull the hem down make me laugh even more.  
I just saw, touched all of him. And he still feels the need to cover himself.  
It's endearing.

So adorable.

He takes his trousers and blushes when I make no moves to avert my eyes. He pulls up his legs, sliding his feet through the opening of the pant legs, trying to pull the trousers up without exposing himself to me.

He's had no problem getting dressed and undressing in front of me, back at Luckenwalde.

I kiss him softly before turning to my own clothes again. Shirt, tie, socks and shoes, I put them all on, zipping up my pants and stuffing the hem of my shirt into the belt.  
I walk to the window, holding my coat in one hand and open it. Fresh air is always good to cool down.  
I turn towards him when I slide my coat over my shoulders again.

He's sitting on the edge of the bed, looking uncomfortable.  
I offer my hand to him.

He looks at it and then sighs before he takes it and lets himself be pulled to his feet.

He takes a few steps, before straightening his back and taking a deep breath.  
“Wait” I say, running my hand through his hair. Though I love this disheveled, thoroughly fucked appearance on him, I don't think it's appropriate for the others to see.

He blushes.

I stroke his cheek. He's still a bit glowy, looking a bit feverish, but at least his gaze isn't unfocused anymore.  
He almost looks like he always does now.

He walks past me, puts on his leather gloves and opens the door of his compartment. One of his subordinates is waiting outside.  
That Hasebe guy again.

“Taki-sama!” he bows immediately. Taki bows his head briefly before walking past him.  
“Taki-sama, do you need anything?” Hasebe asks and follows him.  
“I'd just like to breathe some fresh air” Taki replies softly.

I notice how Hasebe stares at Taki's back in wonder. Does he smell something? He's gotta smell something… right?  
He probably can't put his finger on it though.

Unlike me, I think to myself and smirk.

We walk through the train until we reach a door.  
Outside I can already hear chattering and mumbling. So the crew came out here too…  
Taki peeks out and I move in next to him.  
It's a bright day.  
The wheat fields, that stretched endlessly on the other side of the window, here, on the opposite side, tower behind the fields, their white tops fading into the clouds. The few clouds that dot the sky.

I step down out of the train, ignoring the shocked and intimidated expressions around me.  
The chattering died down, as soon as Taki appeared in the door frame. All eyes on him.

I reach out to him, offering my hand to hold onto.

He lowers his gaze, his jaw tensing for a moment, before he lays his small gloved hand into mine.  
I my smirk softens.  
He steps down. He was above me moments ago, and now again… I'm one head taller than him.  
I'm taller than anyone here.  
And he… he's smaller than most here.

And yet, they lower their gazes in humility.

Taki elegantly walks past me, taking the lead.  
“Taki-sama?” his chamberlain calls after him. I feel the need to roll my eyes.

“I'm just going for a bit of a walk” Taki replies softly, turning back mid-stride.  
“Don't go too far” Hasebe says. As if Taki would.  
What is that guy thinking?

I don't get the manners here. All the etiquette here… it's strange.

Taki nods once, before moving on. He's walking towards a little hill, turning towards me for a second, waiting for me to follow.  
I smile and follow him up the hill.

He gazes into the distance, silent for a moment.  
“These mountains” he starts, voice low, “are the national border”  
He looks, like he's yearning for something, like he's got a deep set sadness inside him.

I squint against the light, looking at him.

“We'll cross them soon” he says and starts walking again.

I follow him.  
As we walk, he talks about the regions we'll travel through, like he's reciting a poem he's known for a long time.  
His words seem like he's teaching me something. But I feel like there's more to his words, to their meaning.  
More that I cannot pick apart.

I can only pick apart the nuances of his scent, read his reactions, but I cannot understand any of it. It makes me sad, frustrated.  
It's like I'm missing a huge detail.

He halts in his movement, looking back at the train, that's surprisingly far away now.  
“We've come quite far, huh” I murmur.  
“There's nothing but wheat fields out here”

Taki smiles weakly.  
He gazes into the distance once more, “People are working for their everyday bread wherever they are”  
Why do his words sound so sad?

“Of course they are. Whatever land there is, people will cultivate it...” I reply, smiling. I caress a wheat stalk as I walk a bit further. It's thin, weak wheat, but it's still gonna help feed another hungry person.  
“even when it's thin wheat like this”

I look at him.  
“This is nothing new to you. But you wanted to see it with your own eyes, huh?” I murmur. I feel like another puzzle piece fell into place, when I saw his eyes just now.  
Why would he want to travel this far, why would he want to remind himself, that the enemies he'll be killing on the battlefield are just as human as him?  
Why would he want to hurt himself like that?

He smiles slightly, looking defeated somehow.  
“I guess so” he whispers almost.

We walk again, and I can sense he's getting more and more restless.  
I remain silent, trying to give him his time, but I can't take his anxious silence any longer.  
“Taki-”  
“Will it really be okay?” he finally asks, interrupting me.

I look at him.  
He looks so tense.  
I smile, trying to assure him somehow.  
“It's been so hard to say this?”

He lowers his head, frowning. He looks pained, and I cannot understand why.

“Once we cross the border and you be become my knight… you won't be able to go back home” he chokes on his words, keeping his head lowered, unable to face me.  
“You could still-” his voice sounds too pained for me to keep listening to it.  
I cut him off, “Do you really think, I'd be fine being abandoned, having to walking home _alone_ from here?”

He snaps, finally looking at me.  
“It's not like that, don't you get it? Once you'll be my knight- !” I cut him off, throwing him to the ground and burying him under my own body.

I don't want to hear it.  
I don't want to be told, how much I give up, how I'll come to hate him, how being his subordinate will change so much.  
I don't want to hear it.

I'm not letting it happen. I'm not letting him go.  
He's mine!

I push him down onto the ground, kissing him hard before he could even take a breath. He struggles.  
He breaks the kiss, trying to push me off.  
“Klaus…! This isn't the place… they'll see…!”

I loosen my necktie.  
“No one will see” I promise. We're far enough, for nobody to see us. His struggles won't save him now.

I grab his wrists and hold them down.  
“And you?” I ask, almost glaring down at him, “Can you walk alone from here on out?”

I wait.  
He looks at me, scared, resigned to his fate.

How does he not fight back?  
Even a little?  
He doesn't even try anymore.

I don't want him to fight me, I don't want him to hate me, to defy me.  
I want him to desire me, as much as I desire him.  
But I want him to want it.  
I don't want to always feel, like I'm forcing it upon him.

It's bad enough that I did this to him, the first time I ever had him. That night in our room. It's bad enough that I lost control, that I went past my limits, past the point where I could have pulled away, had he just said 'no'…

I stare at him.

He tilts his head back. His clenched jaw relaxes. His lips part ever so slightly.

He's giving in.

He can't walk form here alone. He needs me.

I'm lying to myself.  
I marked him, of course he won't be able to go without me. He needs me; of course he does.  
It's not his choice.

I kiss him, holding onto his hand with my right one, while I begin undressing him with my left.

The sunlight makes his pale skin glow even more. All the kiss marks I left on him, that seemed faint and barely visible in the compartment, now look like deep red rose petals painted onto his skin.  
His hair, feathered around his head on the ground reminds me of the ocean. In the dark, when the beacon would only faintly touch the distant ocean waves, they would shine in a deep, dark blue.

I hastily unbutton my shirt, sliding it off my shoulders.  
The sun's warmth feels so good on my skin.

I kiss him again and again, only pulling away to breathe, or place some kisses onto his neck, before his soft lips draw me in again.  
Restlessly I stroke his body, his chest… making him arch his back, when I stroke his side… reaching further down...

I pull on his pants, uncovering his white thighs again.

In awe I halt my movement.  
There he is… naked… mine.

He doesn't even try to cover himself anymore, turning his face to the side, eyes squeezed shut, as though he was waiting for a punch to come.  
But it never comes.  
I only trace the outlines of his muscles and bones with my fingertips.  
“For the first time I'm seeing your body in such bright light” I murmur. He opens his eyes, tears shimmering in the corners again.  
Why…

He covers his face with his arm, voice weak.  
“No more… we...”  
“Yes, more” I say. I feel hunted, suddenly.  
“While you're still mine alone… I want to burn you into my eyes”

Suddenly, this peaceful, calm setting feels dangerous. Suddenly I feel like it might be over any moment. I feel like planes will be howling soon, engines crying out as they're pushed to their limits. Guns blazing, shots firing, explosions shaking the earth.

I run my hands along his thighs, spreading them.  
He lets me have my way.  
His thighs feel so soft under my fingers as I grip them, spreading them further. The slick from earlier still glistens on his skin.  
He's dripping already.

I rub his pink entrance with my thumb, watching it twitch.

“Relax”

I lean down to suck on his nipple, while my index finger slides inside him. So hot… so soft and wet… he feels so good…  
Whimpering he covers his face with his arms, and for once I'll let him, as I'm enjoying playing with him way too much right now.  
I shift a little, shoving my arm under his neck, so his head is not resting on the grass. Gently I run my fingers through his hair, hoping he'll relax more like this.  
He moves the arm he had used to cover his face, nudging my fingers with his now.

It feels odd to be touched by his gloves right now, but it doesn't matter.  
He pulls my fingers away from his hair, intertwining his fingers with mine.

I can't… I cannot… resist him. Not like this. Not ever.

I kiss him, pushing two fingers into him now, pushing up against that spot inside him that'll make him writhe and moan, loosing control.

He moans into the kiss, and I get annoyed with his gloves. I want to feel him!  
I break the kiss and bite the fingertip on his glove and pull it off his hand, before kissing him again.  
He moans as I finger him harder. Shit I'm hard already, but I want to see this. All of him… right now… right now!  
I feel hunted… chased…

He's mine… mine alone.


	7. Chapter 7

I watched him writhe, I watched him toss and turn, moaning my name along with nervous pleas to let him go... let him come…  
As though something scared him. As though he was being chased by something, that would tear him away from where he's laying. As though his time was running out at a terrifying pace.  
I kissed him.  
I held him.

I let him come.

Now that we are back on the train, he's having tea, staring out into the distance. Silent as always.  
I watch him closely. Something doesn't feel right. His scent is too weak, as though something was overpowering it. His body is too calm for an omega in heat.  
It's baffling, how he's so calm, while I'm sitting here, all tense and edgy.  
He sets down his cup and looks at me.  
„We will cross it tomorrow“ he murmurs. I furrow my brows questioningly.  
„Cross what?“ I ask, when he remains silent.  
He looks at the landscape passing by outside. He looks sad, like he's mourning. Forming words seems to cause him pain.  
„No man's land“ he finally murmurs, his voice sounding strained. I stay silent, waiting for him to form more words.  
„The holy land... The place, where the Reizen ancestors found eternal rest“ he says, sounding again like he's reciting a poem he learned long ago.  
There is a pained passion behind his words.  
There is more to this land than he wants to tell me. No man's land. _Niemandsland_. That does ring a bell.  
Files, reports and old photographies bubble up in my mind. Of course. Before taking the assignment to watch over – or rather spy on – Taki I was given plenty of information.  
No man's land is a scar in the Eastern Country's history. A fresh one, that still hurts them, when you poke it.  
I glance at him and decide to stay silent about that for now.

I nod.  
„What about it?“ I ask, giving my voice as much of a disinterested tone as possible.  
„We will be arriving soon after crossing it...“ he says, sipping his tea again. He refuses to say anything else, it seems.  
I sigh. Well, I guessed so already.  
It's taking us long enough.  
I can't help but wonder, why he mentioned it now. Don't we have enough time still, before we reach it?

I never got the answers to my unspoken questions or thoughts. The two days felt like an eternity, and yet I still don't want the third day to arrive. I want us to remain in this train, that seems like a separate world of it's own. Where war hasn't come yet. Where we can hide away from prying eyes. Where he is still mine alone.

He glances at me ever so often, never daring to speak. I feel like a stranger by his side. He put a certain kind of distance between us. After I pleased him, and we went back to the train on that first day, he withdrew from me.

This is the last night.  
I stand in front of his compartment. Nobody is here, of course. It's night. Everyone is sleeping.

He can't run now.

I slide open the door and slip inside, closing the door behind me as silently as possible.

Taki doesn't stir, doesn't move at all. I can barely see his chest rising and falling as he breathes softly.  
The train's unsteady movements make his stillness even more noticeable. I feel… sick. Somehow.

I walk over to the bed, where a little over 24 hours ago I held him, pleased and fucked him. The bed on which he now is sleeping, completely unguarded.

I sit on the edge of the mattress and look at him. I had planned to wake him up with a kiss, to gently hold him down, while awakening his desire, so he'd be begging for me to fuck him.  
But I can't.  
I can only stare down at him.

It's this stillness, that just messes me up.

He should be hotter. He should be… not calm like this. Not still like this.  
I follow the form of his body with my eyes, every curve, every detail. Even under the duvet he appears so thin. So small.  
I wonder how in god's name he survived at Luckenwalde. How he managed to march through the cold and the wind. How he managed to fight off a group of guys, who were all twice his size.  
How I of all people could… how he couldn't fight me off.  
Why he didn't.

He never meant to truly fight me off. He wanted me to do it all.  
Sure, he was in heat, but still… he wanted it.

So why am I now so… ?

He huffs softly, turns to his side, his face hidden against my thigh now. He stills again, stops breathing.  
He awoke.  
“Klaus...” he whispers and withdraws from me, pressing his back against the headboard of the bed, blanket pulled up to his chest, eyes wide with shock.  
“...” I stare at him. _I came to wake the sleeping beauty_ is what I wanted to say, smiling down at him.  
He would have scoffed at me. He would have told me to go back to my own compartment and I would have kissed him, telling him I couldn't sleep without my goodnight kiss.

Now I'm here, staring at him in silence.

“Why are you here” he asks, breaking the silence that's been suffocating me, just like that. Am I the only one who senses this…? This discomfort. Something isn't right.

I lower my gaze.  
“I think you can tell by yourself why I came here” I tell him. Only when the words are out of my mouth, I realize just how… cold they sounded.  
Shit.

This pisses me off.

I take a deep breath, reach for him and watch him try to withdraw further from my hand. My fingertips brush his cheek.  
He lowers his head.  
I shift a bit further onto the mattress and rest my hand against his cheek. I pull him closer to me and gently press our lips together.

There it is… this scent, this flavor of his.

“K-Klaus… don't...” he whimpers. His lips move against mine, his breath mingles with mine as he speaks.

I kiss him.

Even if it's only for tonight… please, please forget them. All of them. Only think of me. Only look at me.  
You only belong to me.  
Taki, this night… you are mine alone.

He doesn't try to fight me off.

I wrap my arms around him, laying him down on the mattress again, getting on top of him now.  
I guess I should take off my shoes… but he'll run if I let him go now, I'm afraid.

I release his lips, kissing the corner of his mouth, is cheek, his jaw, his neck, my mark on his neck…  
He moans softly, turns his head to the side so I have full access to his neck.

He's inviting me to have my way. He's not fighting me.  
He wants this.

I stop.

He looks at me from the corners of his eyes. I see tears forming in them.

Why… again.  
Why.

“Hey… don't cry, Taki. I'll feel like even more of an asshole like that” I manage to murmur, smiling at him, even though the smile can't reach my eyes.

He shudders and wipes his tears away with the back of his hand.  
Dear god… he's too adorable…

“I won't do anything” I say and lie down by his side.  
Yes… I had planned to fuck him. But I can't. I just can't bring myself to do this.

It's not like we'll be torn apart from now on, I tell myself. It's quite the opposite. I'll be his Knight soon. I'll be his and he'll be mine.  
We'll be as close to each other as possible.

There is no need to rush.

I keep telling this to myself, to calm the restless desire within me.

“Sleep, Taki. I promise I'll just lay here, and I'll leave before dawn”, I murmur, holding him close.  
He's tense, clutching the front of my shirt.

I rub his back, feeling him tense under my hand. I look down at him. He's hiding his face against my chest.  
I sigh, taking a deep breath.

I realize why he's tense like this.

I can smell his slick.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "It's been too long since I wrote a chapter, and I'm sorry for that. I visited a certain BumbleFree, and saw my family too. I hope you all had a nice christmas (or whatever celebration you have, I hope you enjoyed it all!) and I hope you had a good new year's eve!  
> Hopefully I'll bring out more chapters... I have lots of ideas for later chapters (kudos to me, I have ideas for chapter 40-something, but I'm stuck with chapter 7 and 8 and whatever...)
> 
> Thanks for reading!"
> 
> ~Tenkamchi-Sama


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dear me… wow. Sorry.  
> So so sorry.  
> I've been kinda dead lately… Uni draining my energy and creativity like some soulsucking demon…   
> I hope I'll slowly manage to keep writing here… I have grown very fond of SAL… It'd be a shame to let it end just like that.  
> So… I won't do that.
> 
> It'll just take a while, I think.  
> I hope you'll bear with me and my super slow pace here…   
> Sorry again! 
> 
> And, now a little note related to the chapter itself: I have no military experience. So if I get something wrong, you know why that is.  
> I do try to look up some things, but I'm busy and tired most of the time.   
> Feel free to let me know if there's anything incredibly wrong!
> 
> And now, enjoy the chapter!

Looking back today, I can't help myself but think that my decision was wrong.

Looking back at that night, the last night on the train, I feel like I made a mistake. I misjudged.

He was wet.  
He was wet for me and I didn't touch him.

 

His gait is elegant as ever, his beauty unchanged, his scent ever present. His coat undulates behind him as he hurries across the pavement towards the neat rows of tanks. Men run back and forth, hastily preparing the tanks for departure into battle.  
Everything is muted.  
Everything but the blood thumping in my ears and the sirens.

There was an attack.

“Get ready to move out, Murakumo will lead the formation. Klaus, you join the first infantry battalion!” Taki's voice cut through the chaos. As unbelievable as it may sound, all men seemed to slow down and relax, the moment he spoke.

“Azusa, get confirmation from General Asakura, asap!”  
“Understood, Taki-sama!”, the young soldier called back, just as he was climbing into the tank.  
Taki approaches that same tank. His movements feel surreal, somehow.  
I grab his wrist.

“K-Klaus, let go!”

I can only stare at him, as he pulls away.

 

That night was spent in silence. Only the rattling and wheezing of the train filled the air, aside from the sweet scent of Taki's heat.

That scent though had felt like a looming cloud, that obscured my rational mind.  
But mingled with that scent, that sweetly called out to me, there was another flavor. Something different, that I just can't put my finger on. Something that I can't name or understand.  
Not yet, at least.

Still, I clearly remember it.

Even now, where dust is flying up beneath our feet as we hurry into battle; even now, when I hear the tank engines roar, men yelling at each other to hurry. Bits and pieces of a foreign language, that I'm learning to understand.

Taki is a good teacher.

Now though, it is not my Taki I'm looking at.

My Taki wouldn't pull away his hand from my grasp. No, what I'm looking at right now, is Taki Reizen, the commander.  
A side of him, that I'd never seen before.

I've seen him, the sullen child; the proud but shy student; the fierce fighter, the alley cat. I've seen him, tossing and turning, crying my name, crying, weeping so much.

I find it surprisingly hard to overcome these images, to brush them aside as I look at my Master.

My Master…

It's ridiculous, isn't it? That I should remember this, as we are under attack, ready to move out and kick the enemy's ass.  
That I should remember how Taki's beautiful red robe had faintly smelled like roses and wood.

 

We arrived only a few hours after I sneaked out of Taki's compartment. The guy who'd been in charge of looking after me seemed to be unable to wait any longer.  
Was I that bad?  
I almost laugh to myself, feeling the smirk tug at the corners of my mouth.

Even more subordinates of Taki awaited us, all bowing in unison, greeting their beloved commander.  
It's quite a view, I must say. To see my beautiful tiny Taki inspire such adoration and devotion, just by stepping off a train.

I kinda know there's more to it; that they don't just drop to their knees because he stepped off a train.  
That there's some cultural thing going on, that I'm still struggling to fully grasp.

Whatever.  
The battlefield is calling for us, for blood, for blood to be spilled.

Taki shouts more commands, spurring groups of people into harmonic action. It's as if he'd been doing nothing else all his life.  
I mean, his voice is a perfect mix of strict dominance and gentle urging, shaped into a crisp and clear command.

There is chaos around us as we approach the front line.  
It's getting worse and worse as we go, more enemies, more soldiers, more men, more fallen bodies, more crippled warriors.

I feel like their dead hands reach for me, try to drag me down to the ground… _like they tear me from the sky and drag me to hell_

No.  
Fuck, no. Never.

Gunshots mingle with the screams of the fallen. Grenades tear the air we breathe to pieces. Missiles make the earth shudder in pain.

Familiar faces… strangers… friends and foes alike … at some point it feels, like they all were friends somehow; like they all meant something to me.  
It becomes impossible to distinguish between ally and enemy.

Those who used to be on my allies' side are now those whose blood drenches the ground. Those who used to be on my enemy's side are now covering my back, albeit with a grim expression that goes beyond the terrors of the battlefield. No, what is glinting in their eyes is disgust and hatred.

It doesn't matter.

Taki's voice urges us on, that's what makes us allies right now.  
So I cover them, and they cover me.

“Fall back! Units 2 and 3 regroup and support Unit 5!”, Taki yells. Even over the crappy wireless I can hear the tremor in his voice.

“Unit 1, stay behind Murakumo!”

I look around for the members of my Unit.  
Men carry their comrades in a desperate attempt to save them. I feel a sudden surge of hatred and despair as I watch them fumble around.

“Worfustadto!” A guy from my Unit yells something, that sorta sounds like my name. He's frantically waving his arms above his head, apparently not hearing the whistling sound of the missile approaching.  
“GET DOWN YOU IDIOT!” I yell and throw us to the ground, just before the explosion obliterates the rest of our unit.

Fuck, they're targeting Murakumo!  
Curses. Curses, upon curses.

I can't do much on foot to protect Taki. Fuck.

“Hey, try to get as many men behind Murakumo and out of danger, got it?” I shout over the roar of the tanks.  
The guy looks at me with wide eyes.  
Nope. He's useless.

“Don't die!” I tell him and run past him, to try and drag those, who could still be saved out of the dirt.  
As I overlook the damage, I can't help but feel… numb.  
And weirdly angry.

I hold my radio to my mouth and contact Taki.  
“Taki! We've lost most of Unit 1!”, I inform him.

There is a tense silence.  
“Fall back”

Not a command.  
A soft… plea, more than anything.

 

I obeyed.

We didn't loose too much. We didn't win, that's for sure. Too many casualties, too many injured, too many dead, too many lost…  
Plucked from the face of the earth, like roses from their stems. Scattered on the ground, like petals in the wind.

Through the sickening mist of blood, fire and pain somehow warfts the scent of flowers.

I walk up to Murakumo just in time to see Taki climb out of it from the top.  
“Taki”, I call and hold out my hand to him without a thought.

His gaze that was trained on his own hands as he emerged from the tank snaps up towards me. I can't read his expression as he slowly reaches for my hand.

He's wearing gloves, I notice.

I hold onto his hand, reaching up with my other hand to catch his body as he half-leaps to the ground.  
I don't let go once he's down though.  
He doesn't try to pry me off.

For a short moment he silently looks at me, assessing the extent of my injuries and other damage.  
“I'm fine. Just got some scratches, got quite dirty here and there, but nothing tragic”, I assure him.

 

It does nothing to calm him down.

It does nothing to soothe him.

It does nothing to comfort him.

At the end of the day, he retreats to his chamber in utter silence.

This time though, a night out in town, at the inn with some wine won't help.  
This time it's his men who died. Men, who he commanded, men who obeyed him. Men who trusted him.  
Trusted him with their lives.

 

I find him in his bathroom, hunched over the toilet – vomiting. Quickly I kneel besides him and hold him up, pushing his hair out of his face.  
He retches again, tears welling up in his eyes.

After a while, he's only dry-heaving anymore. I help him to his feet and hold him upright while I pull the flush with my free hand.  
He leans heavily on me as I lead him to the sink. In a daze he wets his hands with cold water, before running them across his face.  
After a few breaths, he gathers some water in his hands and rinses his mouth with it.

“Are you okay now?” I ask softly.

He stands on his own, he looks less pale than before.  
“I think so”, he says and turns away from the mirror to leave the bathroom.

For a moment I linger where I am. Just one moment, and suddenly I feel like _I_ could throw up right now.

The scent of flowers.

It's gone.  
It's… it's different… unrecognizable.

I follow him hastily. Forgotten is the sudden feeling of dread in my stomach. I need to smell him, right now!

He didn't get far; he's sitting on the edge of his bed, unbuttoning his shirt when I approach him. He lifts his face just moments before my hands find his shoulders and push him down onto the mattress.  
“K-Klaus...!?” he tries to protest.  
I hold him down and bury my face against his neck, inhaling his scent.

Indeed.  
It's different.

His scent is still sweet, still alluring, but it has a different quality.  
The sweetness is more subdued, more mature almost. The allure speaks less to my instincts, and more to… something else.

He's trembling.

I lift myself up on my elbows and look at him.  
Shock and embarrassment are written all over his face, while his eyes are just… fearful.

I feel regret creeping up on me, like some ugly creature, that climbs up my spine by digging it's thin claws into my back.

“I'm sorry… I was…” I start but never finish.

“I think you should… talk to a doctor. Someone we can trust”, I say. He looks at me.  
“… not now”, he whispers.  
“Why not?”, I ask.

He averts his eyes like I just slapped him.

“Second Lieutenant Suguri… has long been responsible for my health… and… right now… he's helping…” he trails off, knowing that I'll understand.  
An army doctor.

More than his own health, I realize, he's shell-shocked by the devastation among his men.

Too often has he looked at the lists of the fallen and the injured – and where I briefly felt a strange kinship with all the soldiers around me as I stood on the battlefield – I'm certain he truly feels the loss of every man.  
It's surreal, really.  
Hard to grasp.

His sense of duty and devotion.

I can't really… understand what it is I'm seeing. I can only see - _observe_ \- how his eyes linger on every name on the list.  
Certainly he knows all their faces too.

Yet, there is a sullen elegance to him. I'm tempted to call it artful mourning.  
Poised. Silent. Non-dramatic. Non-emotional, but deeply… touching.

 

Honestly… At Luckenwalde, when we got word of new losses, I'd caught a glimpse of this artful mourning.  
I was tempted to attribute his reactions to either his youth, and lack of experience or his culture, or both.  
But I couldn't be aware… I couldn't understand just how deeply this _performance_ is embedded into his actual self.

Even now, I guess all I know, is that I barely know anything about it.

“I… could probably ask him to offer a spare minute to me tomorrow”, Taki murmurs.  
“Okay”

He doesn't move.  
Neither do I.

“Move”  
“Why?”  
Taki frowns and tries to somehow push me off of him.  
“Why?”, I ask again.  
“You have to go to your shed, or else they'll find out”, Taki hisses. I find myself smirking, still not moving.

“Maybe I want them to find out. Maybe I want them to know that you are mine alone”, I murmur.  
“Klaus! You can't! They mustn't know”, he insists.  
I sigh and get up.

What joy to be loved like this…

“I know, I know”, I say and pick up my jacket, which I'd left thrown over the backrest of a chair when I entered.  
“Feel free to visit me, if you change your mind”, I say, flashing him a dangerous grin before fully leaving the room.

 

Hours later I lay awake in this shed of mine.  
It's nothing too shabby, honestly. Still, it feels like a dirty, godforsaken dungeon.  
What joy to be loved like this…

What am I to him? A dirty little secret? The lingering shadow of one stupid night?

Fuck, calm down…  
He had no idea.  
No fucking clue at all.  
I feel anger surging through my veins.

That Suguri-person. Is he the one who gave Taki these meds? By now I'm absolutely positive that they are suppressants.

Is it really such a good idea to confide in him?


	9. Chapter 9

In the end, it took about a month, before Taki caved to my urging.

During these weeks, he used every possible excuse to not go see that doctor of his. Or any doctor. He kept saying that I was just imagining things, that he wouldn't want to bother them, that he couldn't abandon his duties right now.

Finally, he caves.

“Taki, it's been a month and your heat should surge again. It hasn't!”, I insist.  
He flinches at my words, turning his head to the side in wordless denial.  
If his scent wasn't so different, this gesture would have been an invitation to me. But his scent is throwing me off.  
“I haven't… had any heats before either…” he mutters though.  
I let out an exhausted sigh and rest my head on his shoulder, closing my eyes as I let the frustration run though me.  
“Taki. You have been put on suppressants. They have failed you, and I fucked you, goddamn it. We go to that doctor of yours, now”, I insist, forcing the anger to remain hidden behind a calm voice.

I can tell that he still picked up on the faint anger I'm exuding.  
I guess, trapping him against the wall with the sheer width of my body doesn't help. I take a step back.

He looks at me, wide-eyed.

“Please”, I say, looking at him.

He averts his eyes.  
I find myself struggling to suppress a sigh.

“I can't… Klaus, I can't. I cannot let him know”, he whispers.  
“Then any other doctor, Taki. Any trustworthy person. Please”

I let out a deep sigh and pull him close, burying my face in his hair, inhaling his scent again.  
Still… there is this comforting sweetness. The dusty, honey-like scent of a wilting rose… It's enticing, but also… holds something strange.  
I take another breath, ignoring his half-hearted attempts to push me off.

“Klaus… please”

I sigh and let him go.

He looks at me, silently.

As much as his petulant refusal is frustrating me, I do have to admit that I kinda… I feel similar.  
I very well know, just what it is, that is running amok in my mind.  
This thought, this possibility… and yet I refuse to name it.

“Taki, even if it's just about your heat, I want you to be okay. The suppressant failed, and as an omega, you should have an interest in keeping yourself safe from alphas like myself”

He lowers his head.

 

By the time we arrive in front of the doc's shed, Taki kinda got his act together. That's saying, he's not trembling, and his blush is not that obvious anymore.  
He knocks on the door with well measured force. Somehow he manages to make a knock on the door look gentle, like he truly respects the person behind the door, _and_ the door itself.

Or maybe he is just being hesitant.

“Yes? Come in”, the tired voice of the doctor sounds through the door. I look at Taki.  
He makes no move to open the door, is hand still hovering in the air, knuckles resting against the wood.

I open the door, putting my hand on the small of his back.

Taki tenses up, but follows the gentle pressure of my hand.  
“Taki-sama?”, the doc asks, raising his eyebrows.  
“Suguri-sensei...”  
“Is something wrong? Are you not feeling well?”, the doc asks. He looks like he's angry to be worried.  
His frown really makes it look, like he's angry at anything and everything, while worrying still.

“I'm… Klaus worries about… the medication you administered to me”, Taki says.  
Taki's discomfort is tangible, and I feel bad for him.

As I see him stand here, insecure and nervous about a talk with his doctor, images come up before my inner eye.  
Images of when I first met him.  
Images of a child, in a beautiful robe. Images of a young man – not even past his teenage years – who looks up, just when I glance out the window.  
The moment when our eyes met, despite the likelihood that all he saw, was the glaring sunlight reflecting in the window.

Images of this same young man, fighting off a group of alphas who were all double his size.

It should have been so clear before my eyes.

Wasn't I drawn to his scent already, when I'd first held him in my arms innocently, to put a bunch of flowers on his headdress?

Shouldn't I have known from the first moment at Luckenwalde, that a beta doesn't look like he does. That a beta wouldn't have such a slender waist, such a lithe body and such a sweet scent?

I should have.

Yet I chose to ignore it.  
I lulled myself in the false sense of security that was him, identifying as a beta. I kept telling myself, that it was fine to be so close to him, that nothing would go wrong, that I was just horny and needy, because it's been a while since I last put my eyes on a decently attractive omega.  
That his slender body just happened to remind me of an omega, that it didn't mean anything bad.

That this all would be fine.

That we'd just be friends.

That this all would be over, once he'd be sent back.

That this is just a surprisingly pleasant mission.

 

Moments pass in tense silence.

“What medication do you mean?”, Suguri asks.  
I try not to glare at him.  
“The suppressants”, I clarify.

Suddenly, the frown is gone; suddenly there is only shock and worry.  
The doctor throws a glance at the door which I shut after entering with Taki, as though he was afraid anyone could just so happen to overhear this.

“How do you know about that?”, he asks, and I can see the frown return to his eyes and eyebrows.  
“I smelled it”

I sense Taki's wince at my words.

The doctor comes closer in a manner that makes me suppress a laugh, despite the tense situation. His movement is hesitant as he approaches Taki, despite the fact that he's probably touched him in the past already.

It takes a moment for me to realize why that is.

He's an alpha.

I feel anger rise up in my gut.  
This guy has had his hands on Taki… and Taki trusts him, Taki lets him…

“Taki-sama… have you been taking the medication as I told you to?”, Suguri asks, choosing to ignore me now.

Taki nods. The movement speaks volumes of how uncomfortable he is; how tense he is.

“Have you had fevers?”, Suguri asks.

This really… really doesn't sit right.  
Does this asshole really think he can just dance around the issue here? Is he really going to try to keep up this farce, that the suppressants were… something else?  
Is he really going to try to make Taki believe, that he's not actually an omega?  
The anger that's settled in my gut over the last few seconds surges through my veins, and the only reason why I'm suppressing my anger still is, that Taki's scared enough as it is.

“He's been in heat. He's had the full extent of it”, I point out, “He had no idea when the suppressants just failed him”

 

Suguri looks like he's just been slapped across the face. With a chair. While a midget sat on that chair, playing an accordion.

For a few seconds he doesn't breathe. His face goes pale, and the frown fully melts away, leaving nothing but shock.

Then, just before Taki could try to approach him and ask if he's okay, Suguri finally stumbles backwards, flopping down on the chair at his desk.

“I told them. I did… I told them. They wouldn't listen…” he murmurs, running his hands over his face.

In a strange moment of silence, as Suguri laments the past, I notice the scars on his fingers and knuckles.  
An army doctor and a surgeon; a warrior in many senses.

“Suguri-sensei, what do you mean? It's… it's true… that…” Taki cuts himself off and clutches the hem of his coat as he pulls it tighter around his body, “What Klaus said… it's true.”

Suguri is reduced to a heap of guilt and despair, while Taki's fear fully tears down his calm facade.

“Taki-sama… I would need to run some tests on you”, Suguri finally says, lifting himself from the chair, as though he was weighed down by a tank.

“I see”, Taki simply says. It's so strange, how Suguri's words seem to have triggered a pre-programmed response in Taki.

“I'll draw some of your blood and see if and how I need to adjust your med- suppressant”, the doctor says in that tone of voice, that doctors just seem to perfect over the years.

It kinda makes me sick.

“So it's… I'm … an omega…” Taki breathed, his words barely audible. It feels like a scream though.

“Yes. It's true”, Suguri simply agrees and indicates for Taki to sit on the chair that's diagonally opposite of Suguri's chair.

Taki obliges and shrugs off the coat he'd worn all this time, despite being indoors. Only now do I notice how I'm sweating myself, since I'm still wearing my coat as well.  
I can't be bothered to take it off though.

Taki silently watches Suguri roll up his sleeve and tie off his arm with a small band. He's absolutely still when Suguri places the needle and slides it under his skin.

Again I feel the realization hit me, that Taki had been in denial this whole time. That despite the heat and despite our time together, he still hadn't allowed himself to face the truth and the consequences of his true nature.

Being an omega in a world of betas and alphas.

Suddenly I remember a night out in the town, that feels like it's been years ago. The night when Enrico joined Taki and me under the guise of an emotional reunion of war-time friends.  
I'm struck with the thought, that Enrico and Azusa, Taki's wireless operator on the Murakumo crew are actually quite similar.

Both have wavy, light-brown hair and a friendly expression. And that's where the similarities end… Like Taki, Azusa is an omega.  
A rarity among soldiers.

Again I have to face my own stupidity.

Hadn't I clearly seen, just how different Taki and Enrico are? How Enrico is clearly a beta, and how Taki clearly is nothing like a beta?

Goddamn…

Suguri is done drawing Taki's blood by now and analyzing his blood by some means. Taki is pressing a cotton swab onto the tiny wound, still looking at his arm as though it doesn't actually belong to him.

I can't help myself.  
I rest my hand between Taki's shoulder-blades, drawing circles with my thumb. It's the least I can do, after I've done… all this.

Taki flinches, when I touch him, like I woke him from a daze and turns his head up to look at me.  
“Klaus… wh…” he again cuts himself off.

I lower my head as I look at him.

“Doc”, I start. My tongue feels heavy and my throat dry and sticky. Suguri looks up at me, blood sample still in his hands. “The suppressant you gave Taki…”  
“What about it?” Suguri growls before I even finish. Clearly he isn't comfortable with my proximity to Taki.

I feel something like a cross between intimidation and possessive anger well up inside me.

“Does it have any contraceptive properties?”

Before Suguri's reaction can show on his face, I feel Taki's entire body tense up and constrict under my hand.

 

“It… cancels the heat by suppressing the ovulation… but if… Taki-sama experienced heat, that means he's also…”  
“no”

Taki doesn't tremble. He doesn't breathe. He's frozen in shock. Without touching his skin I can tell that his hands are clammy and cold.

Suguri looks like he's on the verge of tears.

“Were you… present… during Taki-sama's heat, Wolfstadt?”

“Yes”

Taki lets out a shuddering breath and whispers my name as if he's begging me to take back my words.

“How… close… did you…”  
“All the way”

Suguri averted his eyes from me as he struggled to form the question, but now his eyes snapped right back to me.

I see him turn red with anger, pale with horror and just… ashy grey with despair.

 

He stares at me, hands curled into fists, teeth clenched. I stare right back at him.

The deadly silence is only broken, when a soft sob pushes it's way past Taki's lips. I feel another wave of guilt wash over me.

I should have shut up about this. I should… I don't know… I should have… never laid my hands on Taki. I should have never taken that mission, I should have never held that tiny, beautiful boy in my arms.

Just as I turned towards Taki as soon as I'd felt the sob tear itself from him, Suguri woke from his desperate anger and turned back to the blood sample.

I see him pull out a little package from his drawer.

I turn back towards Taki and rub his back, helpless as to what I should do, to make him feel better now.

Minutes feel like hours, like days before Suguri finally looks up from his work and turns towards Taki and me.

“Taki-sama… you are pregnant”, he says, sounding dead inside, “the HCG level in your blood suggests, that you're about one month into your… pregnancy”

 

_  
“Well… When Mama told me I'd have a sibling I thought I'd have a little sister.”  
The twinkle in Claudia's eyes betrays her theatrically disappointed voice._

_I remember laughing at her exaggerated pout.  
“I would have dressed my little sister in my old dresses, and I would have done her hair…” she went on, fantasizing happily._

_“Since you are a boy though, you have to become bigger and stronger than me”, Claudia had turned towards me, her dress swaying as she moved._

_“You know… I was a little scared when Mama first told me”  
“Why?”_

_“Because I'm a big sister. Because I have to protect you, until you become bigger and stronger than me, so you can protect yourself”_

As a young boy, I couldn't fully understand her sentiment.  
How old was I… four maybe?

Now, at the age of twenty-six I begin to understand.

The innate wish to protect, the desire to possess and to be a part of something new, something growing, to make yourself a part of it.  
Like a sibling would, wanting to pass on their clothes, teaching and protecting.

Like a parent…

A father.

As the word echoes in my mind, I feel like I'm waking from an overlong, deep sleep. I feel like I'm waking to changes, that I had no part in, like I'm being thrown head-first into cold water, but in slow-motion.

What utter nonsense…

The reality crashes down above my head and leaves me standing in a field of shards, and I have to pick them back up and put them together again.  
I have to fix what I broke.

 

“Wolfstadt”

I look up, suddenly back to the real world; suddenly my thoughts are nothing but a faint echo.

I'm stupidly scared.

“Yes?”

Suguri looks at me, with eyes that scream of losses and injuries; like he's on the battlefield right now.  
“I hope you understand that, with the situation being as it is, it would be the best course of action, to end the pregnancy before anyone finds out”

I hear words.

 

Slowly, waking from his shock, Taki raises his head and looks at Suguri.

“Taki-sama, you understand...”  
“I do… of… of course… I do… but…” Taki's voice sounds strangled and dry. He shakes his head as though in disbelief.

“I could never… h-hurt… or… _kill_ a …” Taki's voice breaks.

I stare.

End the pregnancy.  
Hurt… kill… an unborn… child…

I can't even pretend like I have any idea, what Taki must be feeling… I can't pretend like I have any idea what any… mother-to-be would feel… ever…

 

All I know is that the mere thought makes me sick.

I feel the urge take hold of me, and I suddenly need to hold Taki in my arms, right now. I need to smell him, I need to protect him.  
Them.  
I need to protect them.  
Both.

 

A growl forms in the back of my throat.

“Klaus…!” Taki is on his feet, holding me back before I know it.  
I wrap my arms around him possessively.

“Wolfstadt, in the name of the gods, mind your manners for ONE damn minute!” Suguri hisses, looking like he's ready to tear Taki from my grasp if he thinks he has to.

“We will _not_ kill the child!” I insist, tightening my grasp on Taki.  
Taki withers and melts in my arms. His head falls backwards as he just gives in to the shock.  
His eyes are glossy with tears, his cheeks are red with anguish and his lips pale with fear.

I hold him up against my chest, burying my face in his hair.

 

How ignorant and blind I had been.  
How stupid and selfish.

How undeserving…


	10. Chapter 10

Hours later, I'm back on the battlefield, doing all I possibly can to keep myself alive. We're under attack, but it doesn't matter much.

For once though, it's not the hands of the dead, that try to drag me down to hell. My past is wiped clean.

In a daze I returned to the compound, in a daze I let my wounds be treated, in a daze I followed Taki to his room.

I don't know where my thought should go, and nobody is there to take the lead. Taki himself is barely an empty shell, void of the passion that I love so much about him.  
What irony… that he should feel so empty, when in fact he's filled with life.  
New life.

He unbuttons his coat, drapes it over the back of a chair and undoes his tie, like it had been strangling him all day.  
I toss aside my filthy coat, which I'd been asked to take off while my scratches were treated. I actually don't know how bad it is, I don't care.

“Taki”

His movements still.

With his back turned to me, he just stands there, awaiting a swift death as it seems.  
I come closer, feeling shy and nervous.  
Way more shy, way more nervous than I'd ever felt. Even when I'd gotten lost on the Reizen-grounds, finding the most beautiful boy I'd ever seen, I hadn't been this nervous.

Even when that boy had held out his hand to me, I hadn't been this nervous. I find myself smiling weakly, remembering that day.  
Back then I hadn't learned Taki's language yet. I'd heard him speak and it had sounded so sweet. Like the chirping of a bird.

For the longest time I hadn't believed in the reality of that very moment.

The smell of the ocean breeze, paired with a honey-like sweetness – the kind that makes you want more, even though you know it'll make you sick – that never got too sweet though; the petals in the air, ever so slightly tinted purple, that looked just like snow on a sunny winter day; the child that stood there, clad in robes that didn't look real… and he reached for me, he spoke to me, he allowed me to hold him in my arms and even though he seemed to be pleased with his wish having been granted…  
He hadn't smiled once.

 

I stand behind Taki, my chest barely an inch away from his back. Our shirts brush against each other ever so slightly when my chest expands as I breathe.  
Still, I don't dare to touch him.

From the tense movement of his shoulders I can tell that he is taking shaky breaths, trying so hard to pull himself together, but failing ultimately.

I turn him around as gently as I possibly can and hold him close.  
He smells like smoke, like ash and fire… like blood and dirt.

“Taki”, I breathe into his hair.  
He sobs.  
“Taki… I'm… sorry, I'm here. I'm right here”  
His hands find the back of my shirt and clutch the fabric, pulling it taut against my back.  
I run my fingers through his hair, stroke his nape, his shoulders down to his back.

He shakes his head.  
“I can't...” he doesn't finish.  
“Yes you can, Taki. I'm with you. Didn't I vow to always be with you?”

Another sob tears itself from his lips. He presses one hand over his mouth and shakes his head again.

I can't say anything else.

Of course he's scared. Of course… especially after Suguri's words.  
We're at war and he's the commander of what? Two thousand troops, was it? He's a prince. He isn't even twenty yet.  
He only recently learned about his nature, and he probably has no idea how it all will go.

Maybe, after all I've done to him, he's afraid of me.

Wasn't it all my fault?  
Wasn't it me, who started this? I pushed him down. I held and fucked him.

He had no way of saving himself, when his heat started. He was helpless; alone with me.

And I took advantage of him.

“I'm… I… Klaus”, Taki finally chokes, “I'm sorry”  
“No, no no… Taki, no you don't”, I pick him up and sit him on the bed, kneeling between his knees and look up at him.  
“You don't apologize”

He holds his breath, tears forcing their way past his eyelids.  
“None of this is your fault or mistake!”  
I grab his knees and squeeze them. He opens his eyes and more tears run down his cheeks.  
Hasn't he always been just like this?  
Crying in utter silence; crying all alone. Hiding.

I reach up to stroke his cheek.  
It's wet with his tears.

“I told you before, in our room, didn't I? None of this is your fault. You are not to blame”  
He looks at me, as though he's hearing this for the first time.

After a few seconds, he lowers his head, hiding his eyes behind his fringe.

“Y-you don't… you can't…” he whispers. “I can't...”

He doesn't make sense… His words are lost in a flurry of sobs and labored breaths, as he finally breaks.  
I sit on the bed, next to him and pull him into my arms. I lay on my side, spooning him as he cries into the bedsheets.

 

I'm surprised to find, that I'm alone in Taki's room when I wake up.

When did I even fall asleep?  
It's dark outside. Is it night already? Where the hell is Taki?!

I check the clock and see it's late evening. If there had been another attack, Taki would certainly have woken me up; that is if the siren hadn't woken me up in the first place. So it's not an attack.

I get up and look out the window, just to ascertain that we're not under attack.  
And indeed we are not.  
So I go back to the bed and sit on the edge of it. What should I do now?  
I worry.  
I worry about Taki.

I mean, how could I not?

All of this must have been a lot to take in. My thoughts don't just linger on today's meeting with the doc.  
Starting with the heat, being held by me, being abandoned at the peak of his heat, and having to hide it all in front of his men, then arriving here and facing war – and now he gets confirmation on his secondary gender AND learns that he's pregnant.

Where is he?!

Is he at some strategical meeting? Is he training? Is he… wherever he is. Why do I not know where he is?  
Fuck, didn't I vow to be by his side at all times?!  
What AM I to him now?

Seriously…

We've spent an entire year together. We've been so close to each other, we've been such good friends, more than just room mates. What are we now?  
Lovers? Nope. Not really, I guess. He avoids me, treats me like I'm the manifestation of his dirtiest secret.  
Friends? Nope. We fucked. That can't be taken back.  
Mates? Yeah. That if nothing else.

But damn.

Taki is the most beautiful, most pure person I've ever seen. I desire him in every sense… Not just as an alpha.  
It's his fucking purity, this… whatever it is about him, that makes him so much more perfect than all others.

But what am I to him!?

Just some cruel brute, I suppose. Father to a child, he cannot accept.

 

Fuck.

My fist hits the mattress… this is not enough, damn… before I know it, I'm on my feet, punching the wall.  
My fists… are worthless like this.

What am I doing here, if I'm not by his side, protecting him.  
Protecting _them_.

“Klaus”

I turn on my heel and there he is. Standing in the door, like he didn't expect me to still be here.

Where else would I be, idiot.

I walk up to him and pull him into my arms, closing the door with a single push.  
“Where have you been”  
“K-Klaus...”

“Why didn't you wake me?”

He hides his face against me, wraps his arms around me and I actually feel him clutch the back of my shirt.  
I don't understand any of his behavior.

How can he… avoid me so desperately, and still seek comfort in my presence? Or am I reading this wrong?  
I mean… damn.

I am his mate.

It is in his nature to seek my presence. He's an omega and I'm an alpha. I'm his mate… where else would he go to seek safety and comfort…?

Somehow I feel myself calm down though.  
Somehow the anger that made me punch the wall just a moment ago has faded.

I bury my nose in his hair, inhale his sweet scent.

Damn…

“Let me go”  
Taki pulls away from me and rushes past me, to the bathroom.

Damn.

I follow him, reaching him just as drops to his knees by the toilet. I kneel by his side, rubbing his back and push his hair back from his face.  
Tears run down his flushed cheeks as he throws up.

And all I can do, is offer superficial comfort and support.

Like so many damn times.  
But those times, it wasn't … Taki.

It wasn't him.

 

When he finally gets up and washes his mouth, I wordlessly hover by his side and accompany him back to his bed.  
He lies down, not even bothering to take off his uniform.

“Taki”  
He opens his eyes and looks at me.

“At least take that off”  
He closes his eyes and turns his head away from me.

What is this?

 

I suppress a sigh and start undoing his uniform.

He puts up no resistance whatsoever; and again I feel like I'm some horrible asshole, just doing whatever the hell I please with him.

Before long he's prone before me, naked and unguarded.

Even though he's so helpless right now, even though he's still so endlessly beautiful, I can't think of touching him.  
Right now, all I can see him as, is the omega who's bearing my unborn child; even though none of it is showing yet.

 

I can only sit there and stare at him; at his perfect porcelain skin. He is entirely flawless, except for my bitemark.

It scarred over by now, leaving only a slightly raised imprint on his skin. It doesn't show up unless you really look for it.  
Sometimes, when he turns his head – on the rare nights, when I sat by his side and watched him undress – the raised scar catches the light, and it kinda looks like a crescent moon on his pale skin.

The only flaw on him is the one I put on him.

 

He opens his eyes slowly, and still somehow it startles me, to have his clear-eyed gaze on me. He looks at me, and where his gaze had just startled me, it now just… it digs it's claws into my neck and refuses to let me breathe.

His silent suffering, the unspoken sorrow that's reflected in his eyes just… damn.  
I feel all shades of guilt I can think of.

But then – damn – I see his hand move from the corner of my eye; and he moves it up to his stomach.

 

For a short moment, I feel like he's forgiving me. Like he's trying to show me, just… what he feels… but then he closes his eyes and curls himself into a ball, turning his back on me, and there they all are again.  
All the black shades of guilt.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter will be out soon, I'm working on it already~
> 
>  **Warning:** This chapter contains mentions of abortion.

Wartime, huh… Sleepless nights; superficial rest, which only serves as a contrast to the heightened tension during combat.  
And even when the attack is over, the tension remains. It's like a coil, that's pulled taut, but not released.

I'm irritable and frustrated, I know.

But more than that, I'm worried.

 

Taki has been seeking comfort by my side just as often, as he's practically run away from me as though I were the scariest being he'd ever seen.  
I guess I understand him, to some extent at least.

My own shock subsided after a while.  
At some point it wasn't as impossible as before to imagine myself as a _father_. But that's only me.

I'm not the one bearing the child. I'm not the prince, I'm not the one with the evil doctor, telling me to get rid of the child.  
Sorry… I know Suguri isn't evil. But for fuck's sake… how could he!?

Couldn't he understand just how painful that thought is to Taki?

 

And Taki?  
His morning sickness has gotten worse. I pretty much find him awake before sunrise every day now. Don't tell anyone, I'm not supposed to be in his room that often. Or at all, for that matter.

But I dare anyone to try and hold me back these days.

Taki looks horrible.  
Beautiful still, but that just makes the signs of exhaustion even more apparent.

His perfect, porcelain skin looks ashy; his flawless face looks gaunt; his brilliant eyes are dull.

I guess I have no right to complain about my insomnia. I do get some sort of sleep after all. It's not worth much, but some at least.  
He looks like he hasn't slept in days.

Seriously, I dare anyone to try and hold me back from checking on him.

 

I throw careful glances around the hallway before slipping into Taki's room. He's asleep for once.  
Likely he's worn himself out to the point that he just passed out.  
I'd get angry at him, for treating himself so carelessly, especially now that he's pregnant, but I can't breathe a word.

He's curled into a ball on the bed, clutching the corner of the blanket, pulling it tightly around himself, as though he were cold.  
As though he were scared.

Despite the tension in his body, his face is relaxed. Unguarded.

I kneel next to the bed, not wanting to disturb him by sitting on the edge of the mattress. Like this I can look at his face comfortably.

There it is, his unspoiled beauty. Even though he looks even more pale like this, with the cold light of dawn illuminating his features, he's beautiful.  
His long, thick lashes cast the slightest shadows underneath his eyelids, his lips are parted ever so slightly as he breathes.  
I can tell that he's breathing through his mouth, because his nose is stuffy. Likely, because he cried until he passed out.  
Still, that doesn't change a thing.

I can't really do much to stop the surge of … warmth… of emotion, of love that rushes through me.

Why does he cry?  
Why…?

What has he ever done to deserve such sorrow?  
Such despair?

I look at him, at his tense body. His hands clutch the blanket so firmly, his knuckles show up white on the backs of his hands, with lavender veins tracing his bones and tendons.  
He looks like he's trying to shield himself – his heart – his…

our  
unborn  
child.

Suddenly I want to cry.  
I want to yell at the world and all the people in it.

Don't tell me he's been considering _that_ all this time…? Don't tell me it's not done and over yet…

Don't tell me, please…

I shove the thought aside when I see him move.  
He closes his mouth, only to open it again when he notices he can't breathe through his nostrils and lets out a sigh.

I force a smile for him, when he opens his eyes.

I was right.  
He had cried. Lots.

His eyes are bloodshot and dry tears are still stuck in the corners of his eyes.  
“Good morning”, I say as softly as I can.

He looks at me for a few seconds, not releasing the blanket he'd been clutching. Only when I reach out to carefully push aside some of his hair does he move.  
His hand jerks, as though he wanted to stop me, but he doesn't actually stop me.  
So I do as I please, tucking the strand of hair behind his ear, so it doesn't hide his face.

“How are you feeling?”, I ask, raising my eyebrows slightly. He makes no move to get out of bed, so maybe he's feeling too weak or too ill?

For a long time he doesn't reply to my question, only turning his face away from me to think about his reply, it seems.  
“I'm…” he finally whispers. He clears his throat before continuing, “… better”

 

My first instinct is to get angry, to push him down and yell at him, that he's clearly not 'better' at all, that he's clearly not okay, that… I worry about him.  
He's telling the truth though.

In his own way, that I can't really grasp, it does seem that he's better now.

He finally moves to the edge of the bed and gets up, gets dressed and leaves the room without looking back.  
He knows I'll follow.

There's a meeting today, to plan our next counter-strike, now that we've managed to regain some of the territory we'd lost.  
As always, I hover near Taki; albeit in the background of the scenery. I'm an afterthought here. I have no say in these matters.  
Sure, I think of these strategies as 'ours', but that's only because of Taki. I have nothing to do with his soldiers.  
I'm not one of them.

The corpses haunting them don't haunt me, and the corpses haunting me don't haunt them.

I almost let out a humorless laugh. What a great father I am, huh?  
Killer, betrayer, violator…

As if he'd felt my unspoken thought, Taki turns around to look at me for a short moment, before turning back to study the map. (I'm certain he could draw it from memory by now, but he still stares at it, as if it could reveal something new to him)

It feels like hours later, when we finally leave the conference room – or maybe it's actually been hours, who the hell knows.  
“I… need to see Suguri-sensei”, Taki says quietly once we're out of anybody else's earshot. I halt my movement for a second.  
“Aha?”  
“Just…” Taki starts and glues his gaze to the ground as he walks tensely, “to be sure… everything is fine”  
“Okay...”

He stops.  
“You… should… go to your shed. Eat something, rest a little”, he says. _Get lost, this isn't your place to stick your nose – or other body parts, for that matter – into_ I get it.  
I sigh.  
“Fine. Will you come over for a visit after that?”, I ask, not hoping for a positive reply anymore. Taki only lowers his head in what looks like a single, wordless nod.  
I sigh and nod once in return.

He leaves.  
I watch him walk down the paved path to Suguri's office. I feel like I should follow him, like I should chase him down and drag him away from that doctor's office.  
But I don't.

_Verdammte Scheiße_

I walk back to my shed, cursing as I go.  
Claudia would cry if she could hear me… she never liked my angry outbursts. I mean, I don't like them either, but what the fuck am I supposed to do? Just swallow all the anger and end up as a deranged psychopath?  
More than I already am?

As I walk down the path towards this poor shed of mine, I come across a bunch of soldiers, carting off metal parts, that seem to have been destroyed in the last attack.

At first I'm vaguely annoyed by their uncaring attitude – how dare they be all relaxed and cheerful and shit, when Taki is going through so much sorrow?! – but the longer I think about them, the weaker my anger gets.

As they pass by me entirely, I call out to them.  
“Hey, guys”, I start, thankful for the hours of patient tutoring I'd gotten from Taki months ago. They freeze mid-conversation and nervously turn towards me.  
“Uh… sir?”  
“Where'd you get that rubbish from?”, I ask.  
Yeah, yeah, I know… As patiently as Taki may have tried to teach me the honorifics I'm supposed to use, when talking to others, I couldn't really be bothered to remember them.  
The guy closest to me looks quite irked, but replies nevertheless.  
“These parts have been found during the last reconnaissance mission in No Man's Land. They aren't fit to be used anymore”  
I nod.  
“I see… Where's the stuff?”, I ask.  
“Follow us. Most of it has been taken away already”, the soldier replies stiffly. He doesn't like me around.  
Neither do his companions.  
Nobody likes me here.

I know, I know.

They take me to a small pile of metal garbage. I look at it.  
True… most of this is unusable.  
But… I step closer to the pile. Isn't that a motorcycle there?  
I grab the handle and give a careful yank, freeing the thing from the other metal parts that were surrounding it.  
Yup, this is a motorcycle, all right.

“Is this broken too?”, I ask.  
“It's… unusable”, the soldier who's been answering me all this time says. I suppose he's the bravest, or the weakest out of his peers.  
Either he's the only one who dares to talk to me, or the others bullied him into answering me, so they didn't have to do it.  
Either way, I don't care.

“Can I have it? I think I could fix it”, I say, turning around to look at them.  
They look at me with a skeptical, incredulous expression.  
“What?”

“I… suppose, if Taki-sama allowed it…”  
“I'm sure he'll say yes. He can't say no to his pet dog, can he?” I say, jokingly referring to myself as a pet dog… I'm fighting the urge to burst out laughing at my own joke.

The others don't seem to like my joke though.  
I sigh and roll my eyes.  
“Wait”, I say and rummage through my pockets. I have some cigs left, I think. Now that I'm gonna be a father, I suppose I should stop smoking, right?  
“Ah, there”, I say, pulling out an unopened pack of cigarettes. It's the last unopened pack I had brought from home.  
I have another pack in my pocket, but there's only three or so in there.

The men exchange cautious glances before coming closer.  
“The whole pack? For _this_?” the talker says, pointing at the motorcycle.  
“Yeah. I'm gonna quit”, I say.  
“Uh… fine then…?”, the talker takes the pack from me and steps aside, so I can take my new treasure away.

 

I only notice the sunset, when it becomes hard to see the parts and utensils as I'm working on the bike. It's quite rusty and not exactly 'running smoothly', but it's not beyond saving. I'll leave it be for today though and finish it some other day.  
Content for once I go inside my shed and flop down on the bed.

Taki never came.

I groan, my earlier contentment gone and my frustration back on my doorstep.

Should I go to him?

I mean… surely he must be allowed to have some time to himself, right? Mate or not, I can't be following him around 24/7, right?  
He wouldn't want that.

But then again… I worry.

What did that doctor tell him? More horrible things? More reasons to get rid of _our_ child?

I'm on my feet, throwing my jacket over my shoulder as I sneak into the main building before I really formed my decision.

I'm probably imagining things… but I think I can smell his lingering scent in the hallways. That ever-present sweetness.  
Maybe it's just the golden-pinkish glow of the sunset – so ridiculously oversaturated – but somehow I feel like there is a salty breeze here.  
The windows are closed though.

I'm imagining things, surely.

Before I know it, I'm in front of Taki's room. I knock softly, so I won't startle him, if he's not asleep yet, but there is no reaction beyond the door.

I open the door and enter his room.

His scent is really strong… like… really, really strong…

He's standing at the window, his back turned towards me; unmoving.

I approach him slowly.  
“Taki”, I breathe, unable to make my vocal chords cooperate.

He turns around languidly, as though he's being weighed down by something. Not just a mental burden, but something tangible, something real, something really fucking heavy.  
I find myself thinking that he might just crumble under the pressure.

“Good evening, Klaus”, he says, as though he'd been waiting to say it for an eternity.  
Oh… he probably saw me enter the building. He probably knew I was coming.

“How are you feeling, Taki?”, I ask, concern spiking in my gut. Something about him is off.

He opens his mouth, ready to answer, but falters.  
“I…” his voice breaks. “I'm just a little tried”, he says.  
I can tell how his reply was planned, how he'd been repeating it to himself, so he wouldn't tell me the truth accidentally.

“I see”, I hear myself, “then you should rest”, as if it wasn't my own body speaking. My voice sounds rough and hoarse.

“So should you, Klaus”

_Leave, please. I beg you, Klaus. Leave. Leave me to my suffering, you'll only make things worse._

_As you always do…_

“I'll rest easier if I know you're okay”

He says nothing.  
He stumbles towards the bed, practically falling into a sitting position, rather than sitting down in a coordinated manner.  
I come closer, sitting next to him.

His scent is so strong… so… urgent. It reminds me of the memory from ten years ago. That same salty sweetness…

He takes a shaky breath.  
I say nothing.

He takes another shaky breath. And another. Each following breath sounds more shaky, more pained.  
His shoulders become more tense.  
His head sinks lower, face entirely hidden behind his hair.

The next breath he takes, through his mouth, sounds like an inverted scream.

The exhale contorts into a sob.  
More sobbing. More shaky breaths.

I pull him into my arms, hiding my face in his hair.

He's been screaming all this time.

Screaming at the top of his lungs, without uttering a single sound. It was his scent.

Loud, deep sobs, pained wails tear themselves from his throat as he finally, finally breaks.  
Again.

This time though, he doesn't just cry silently into the bedsheets.  
This time he lets it out, the pain he's felt all this time.

I let him cry.  
Just wash it all out, wash away the tears with more tears. I silently hold him. Gently but firmly, hiding my face in his hair, breathing in his scent, just so I myself remain calm.  
This once, I have to pull my-fucking-self together, this once!  
I can't be angry at the world, I can't be frustrated with him, I can't be hating myself right now.

Father – I think to myself. I have to become better, become worthy.

I catch myself imagining, what our child's voice would sound like, calling out to me. 'Father!'  
'Daddy'  
'Vater'

'Papa'

Papa… what a strange thought.  
I'm twenty-six, I don't call my father Papa anymore. I don't call him anything anymore. And yet, I still feel like a child, rather than a parent.

 

I feel Taki's body go lax in my arms. Did he pass out?  
Carefully I shift my grasp on him, so I can look at his face. His eyes are closed… but his hands clutch my shirt still.  
“so… s-sorry… I'm… so…ngh...” his voice is barely audible.  
I take a deep breath.

“Why, Taki”, I ask, stroking his wet cheek.

“I… I'm… I … I c-couldn't… I … can't…” _keep this bloody fucking child of yours!_  
I take another deep breath.  
“What, Taki. Talk to me, please”

He lets out a pained wail.

Suddenly his entire body stiffens and he's on his feet, hurrying to the bathroom. I follow instantly, supporting him.  
He presses both hands over his mouth before we reach the toilet.

He throws up.

Somehow, I feel weirdly relieved.  
This means – at least in my mind, it does – that he hasn't given in to Suguri's urging.

I carry him to bed, undress him, clean the bathroom and lie besides him. I'm going with him to Suguri's office tomorrow, even if hell freezes over.  
This cannot go on.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note: This is Taki's POV!  
> Also, even though the countries here have their IRL counterparts, and MR clearly adheres to some sorts of religious teachings, I took some liberty in this, and I will continue to do so.  
> After all, this is ABO. So even if I were to adhere to Buddhist teachings, for example, I'd have to adjust them to fit the omegaverse-world.  
> I also admit that I'm not very aware of any religious teachings, simply because I'm an atheist.
> 
> So if any of this isn't adequate, keep this in mind. I don't mean to be disrespectful to anyone!
> 
> With that said, please enjoy the chapter!

The tears come slowly. Not suddenly, as I'd thought, or feared... or hoped they would.  
It's a slow detachment.  
Why couldn't it be swift?

As swift as the heat, that just… made it happen. It was so easy to give in, so easy to follow Klaus' lead, his every command, his gentle urging…

When I was young, I was taught about the secondary genders. I'd known that Azusa was an omega, I'd known that Date was a beta and Moriya was an alpha.  
I'd known that.

I'd heard stories about the heat.  
About how it corrupts the mind of an omega and makes them vulnerable; how it makes them give in to temptation way too easily, and how it's shameful and impure.  
To let go of one's self restraint and self control wasn't proper for a person of my standing.

Do not cry, Taki-sama. Do not let your emotions be seen.  
You must keep those feelings out of sight, lest you bring shame to the Reizen-household.

You are not some weak omega, you will be lord of the Reizen-household! Man up!

It was so easy.

Why is nature backwards like this?  
Why is it so easy to commit a mistake, to break a vow, to give in to sin?

And why is it so much harder to make things right again?  
Why does my heart, my stomach, my entire body hurt so bad, when I think of ending it?

I want to scream.

 

I live in a world, in which I'm bound to fail and succumb.  
My vows tell me, I should have never sinned, but I have.  
My vows tell me, I mustn't take the life of an innocent living being.  
My vows tell me, I have sinned and I must right what was wronged.

My vows tell me to commit a sin.

Something I could never do.  
Something I can't even say.

Yet Klaus' arms embrace me, hold me tightly nevertheless.  
I cry into his shirt, his warm, broad chest… helpless.  
His overpowering scent would usually give me some sort of comfort, but right now nothing can comfort me.

There is more to me now. More than just a vessel for the gods, more than just an omega and more than just a commander or Shinka…

As ridiculous as it may sound, I do feel different.  
Just knowing about it has changed so much.  
I eat, even though I feel sick. I have been skipping kendo training lately, excusing myself with my bad health – a lie, another sin – because I'm afraid to endanger it.  
I try to keep it safe, knowing it's for naught.

I cling to him with all my strength, I wish I could ask him to take me away. Far away, beyond the sky, beyond the horizon, just anywhere… as long as he'd be with me, I'd be fine. We'd be fine.  
But I can't.

I can't form words, I can't say a thing.  
I cannot.

Am I not the emperor's nephew? Most powerful omega in recent memory, as Suguri said? How can I of all people be so utterly powerless?!

Powerless…  
Unable to resist an alpha… Unable to resist the heat, to resist at all…

I want to curse my terrible secondary gender, my nature… my body… but I can't.

So… again… I'm left powerless.  
How pathetic.  
How utterly pathetic!

I of all people cry and sob like some weak and useless omega, when I should be fighting a war. I should be on the battlefield, I should be winning this war for my people!  
I should not be here, cradled in the arms of an alpha – in the arms of the father of my unborn child…

What am I supposed to do?!  
Kill the child? Just like that…? Close my eyes, grit my teeth and be done with it, forget it; forget the unborn baby, forget all my feelings and desires, lock them away and throw away the key, bury my true self forever… ?

Why can I not keep the child? Why can I not keep it safe, win this war for him or her, show her a free world, a world of peace?

All because of one mistake? All because… of something I had no say in.

 

My strength leaves me. I cling to Klaus, scared to fall, but he holds me still.  
“so… s-sorry… I'm… so…ngh...”  
I'm so sorry that our innocent child will have to pay for our mistakes… Nausea strangles my voice.  
I force myself to breathe through my nostrils, as best as I can.

Klaus takes a deep breath, suppressing his anguish.  
“Why, Taki”, Klaus asks. I feel his unspoken accusation, even if his fingers stroke my cheek ever so gently.

He feels it… I know he does. I know he knows…  
“I… I'm… I … I c-couldn't… I … can't…” say it. I can't say it… I can't!  
If I say anything else I'll scream.

He takes another deep breath. His patience is wearing thin.

He has been on edge lately. I'm not blind.  
War changes people. And he is one of those men who'll still go through a sea of corpses, just to fight for something they believe in.  
A selfish part of me hopes it's me. It hopes so desperately, that I'll be good enough, despite all my shortcomings.

“What, Taki. Talk to me, please”  
Worn out. Time's up. No more patience.

I'm scared.

 

Whatever I was trying to say, it's overwritten by nausea.  
A pathetic wail escapes my lips, and moments later I feel vomit rise up my throat.

Oh no… I won't make it… not like this! I scramble to my feet, trying to get to the bathroom.

Despite everything Klaus is with me. He supports me, holds me up… cleans and undresses me…

He's with me… I'll be safe, just stay with me… I beg you…

I beg you…

 

When I awake I'm still cradled in Klaus' strong arms.  
I'm safe.  
We are safe.

As safe as we'll be.

Such is war.

I have gotten way too comfortable, way too used to him being here when I wake up.

“Taki?”, he whispers into my hair.  
I don't trust my voice to produce anything intelligible, so I just nod once against his chest.  
“We're going to Suguri's office”, he tells me.

I tense for a second.  
Suguri's office?

Why?!

Did he change his mind…?

“Can you get up?”, Klaus asks softly as he pushes himself up on his elbow.  
I nod.  
Surely I can. I'm not so weak that a night of crying would enfeeble me to the point of being unable to get up.  
I take a deep breath and push myself up on my elbows as well.  
He looks at me.  
His shoulders look tense, like he's ready to jump, should need be; like he's ready to catch me if I fall.

I force a smile.

He sees through it and I falter.

“Come on”, he says. He leaves the bed and puts on his clothes. I feel a blush creep up on me, realizing he'd practically been naked next to me.

I hastily put on my clothes and throw a quick glance in the mirror. The mark has healed… All that's left is a pale ridge on my neck… and the fleeting tingle of his lips, the memory of a feeling…

I see Klaus come up behind me. He looks at our reflection in the mirror, looking at my eyes. His hands come up around my waist and I know he'll pull me close… I still let out a startled huff when he does though.  
He's the one… the one man, he one person who dares to touch me with no restraint. Like I'm his, naturally. Like he owns me, like he doesn't need to ask anyone for permission to touch what's his.

I lower my head, look at his intertwined fingers in front of my stomach. They are so big.

I can't help but imagine these huge hands cradling a tiny child.

I don't know if I tense up because of the thought, or because of his lips on my neck.  
It's probably both.  
With his chin he's pushing aside the collar of my shirt, while his lips find my sensitive skin.

My heart rate spikes instantly. My cheeks feel hot, my hands feel sweaty and cold. My knees feel soft.

“S-stop…” I manage to whimper, while his tongue traces the contours of my neck, my jaw, up to my ear.  
“You… are too pale… for my liking...” Klaus murmurs in between feather-light kisses to my jaw and neck, “so I thought… this… would give you some… color...”  
His lips latch onto the mark and he sucks on the skin.  
I can't tell if it hurts, if it's arousing or just… shameful. Improper… wrong… stop…!

I open my mouth to protest, when his hand cradles my cheek, turning my face towards him. His lips capture mine and won't let go.  
The breath I was about to take… he steals it away, making me dizzy. His tongue dances around mine, and no matter what I do, I follow.  
My eyes fall shut. I helplessly pant into the kiss… and then he pulls away.

I open my eyes, feeling like I woke from a long slumber…  
He's looking at me with an expression I can't dare to read.

“Come on, let's go”, he says and presses one last kiss to my forehead.

In the back of my mind I notice that he had to bow down slightly, for his lips to touch my forehead. _Oh how insignificant I am, compared to him…_

 

We reach Suguri's office.  
I walked ahead, even though Klaus was the one leading me. I feel like I'm watching myself from above.

I – that is, my real self – would not go here. I would run away. With Klaus. Far away… forever.

But I'm here.  
I knock on the door and enter the room with natural elegance. I know…

“Taki-sama”, Suguri starts, throwing an uncertain glance at Klaus. “Have you… made the decision?”

I wince in phantom pain.

Suguri's words echo in my mind.  
 _“It changes nothing”_

_“You may be the most powerful omega in recent memory, son to the emperor's late sister, but it changes nothing. You are an omega”_

_“And you let him mark you”_

_“It is his decision to make. You can only beg him to decide in your favor”_

I couldn't tell Klaus. I couldn't ask him… I couldn't… do a thing.

Only weep.

 

“The decision was already made weeks ago!” Klaus says.  
“You need to reconsider...” “No. I don't care”, Klaus cuts off Suguri.

“Captain Wolfstadt, I beseech you! Please understand, for Taki-sama's sake...”  
Again, Klaus cuts Suguri off.  
“I don't need to understand any of this. _You_ need to understand, that this is not your decision to make. This isn't your mate, this isn't your unborn child”

I know I should stop Klaus.  
I should tell him to mind his manners, to speak more respectfully to Suguri-sensei.

But I just… don't.

“We're keeping the child.”

“Wolfstadt, in the name of the gods, please… For Taki-sama's sake…!” Suguri tries one more time.  
“This _is_ for Taki's sake”, Klaus clarifies though. My knees feel like they'll give out under me any moment now.  
“I swore to be with him. I was the one who made a mistake, and I'll take responsibility for what I did”  
Klaus' arm finds my waist, his hand resting against my hip.

“Wolfstadt, for god's sake! Don't act like you understand anything! Don't pretend like your airy promise makes any damn difference!”  
“Enough”

Suguri halts.

His resolve falters, his anger fades.  
He slumps down on his chair, all energy gone.

I'm sorry.

“Fine”, he looks up.  
“Taki-sama, I'll be your doctor, no matter what. I'll help you”, Suguri mutters. He looks so pained.

He's seen me grow up for so long.  
Certainly this is a shock.

Now that the decision is made, there is no way back. There never was a way back, but we could have pretended like it never happened.

Not anymore.

“You'll need to… make some sort of announcement. Talk to your uncle…” Suguri continues, lost in thought.

A soldier.  
A true soldier…

I know he'll cry as soon as we're out of the room.  
Disappointment and shame, hatred and worry crashing down on him.

I know that.

“Wait a second”, Klaus interrupts. “Wouldn't it be smarter to like… not shout this from the rooftops? We're at war”, he reminds.  
I look at him, crossing my arms in front of my chest.  
“I mean… Sure, the folks here should know about this. I get it. But otherwise, I don't think everyone should know about this. Especially not Eurote, no?”

I nod.  
True… he's absolutely right.  
“That… means, my announcement should only be addressed towards the men here, at the compound. I'll let the emperor know too… and ask to talk to him personally as soon as possible”, I murmur.

Suguri grimaces.  
“That leaves the question though… How will you explain this?”, he asks, looking at Klaus, then at me.

Right…  
It's impossible for me to admit, that I gave in to desire, that I succumbed to an alpha's power.

“Actually, speaking of explanations”, Klaus starts, looking at Suguri with an expression, that's very close to an outright glare, but isn't.

“What I want to know, and I'm certain Taki has a right to know too, is why he was lied to in the first place. Why he wasn't warned or otherwise prepared”, Klaus slides his hands into his pockets, throws a glance at me, before glaring at Suguri again, “If he had been prepared, none of this would have happened. He would've ran away from me, he would have fought me off.”

Suguri looks like he wants to throw up.  
And honestly, I share his sentiment.

“Klaus!”  
“What? Don't you think it's fishy as fuck?”, Klaus looks at me now, looking angry and hurt at the same time, “You are the one suffering the consequences!”  
“Enough, Klaus…”

He shakes his head, pulling away from me.

“That all… Is better left for another day. I'm not the only one who had a say in the matter. Taki-sama, when you meet his majesty, that's when you should seek your answers”, Suguri says, sounding defeated.

I see… I lower my head, understanding.

We are all just pawns on a chessboard that's too big for us to overlook.  
The players know the rules, and we have to obey them.

We rarely have much of a say in the matter.

 

I think… this once we had a say. Klaus had.  
And he made the only right decision there could be.

Even if I have to follow, like the good pawn I am.

I may be a lord, Shinka… commander… Even if I were the emperor myself. We are all pawns to be played with.

Vessels for the gods.  
Aren't we?


	13. Chapter 13

Taki walks me to my shed in silence.  
I can tell he's still in shock, and lost in thoughts at the same time. He gave himself no time to rest, going right back to his commander-self.

In control, thoughtful… poised, even in this state of shock.

I'm starting to hate this… state of his.

It's like I'm staring at him through thick, uneven glass. All I see is a warped version of his real self. The one I met at Luckenwalde, the one I fell for.

He was a white hot fire back then. A light among the misty dirt, that shadowed Luckenwalde – all the filthy alphas and betas there, dear god – he was a bright flame among the shadows.  
When I saw him in that hallway, fighting off all the other students, he was so fierce. Even I got burned when I carelessly attempted to touch the flame.  
But here?

People here are like the broth they serve for dinner. They are dull and damp with the sticky remains of past battles. They suffocate the flame they so desperately cling to, hoping for light and guidance, not realizing how they themselves snuff out their precious flame.

Few people are here, who come close to Taki in their passion and light. That Date guy, Azusa and their other friend; the one with the glasses, they are good people, I suppose. Taki said they grew up together.

Again I look at Taki, as he lingers at the door of my shed. He was about to leave, when something pulled him back.  
My hand on his wrist.

His eyes open fully for the first time in days, and he stares at me in shock.  
There!  
There it is, that flame.

I want to see more of it… so I pull him back inside, close the door and drag him to my bed. As he stumbles to follow, the flame flickers.  
I push him down on top of the covers and bury my nose against his neck. There it is, the ever present sweetness of his.  
This honey-like scent, that remains pure and clean, despite all the things he's seen. All the filth, it doesn't stick to him. He brushes it off and remains as pure and clean as ever.

“Klaus… s-stop… you can't…!”, Taki tried to protest, clutching the shoulders of my jacket. I look at him.

I see fear in his eyes.

Even now.

“Why can I not?”, I ask softly.  
He shakes his head.  
“Taki”  
He turns his head away, not looking at me, eyes closed…

I feel… stupidly powerless when I kiss the cheek he turned to me. I kiss his cheek, the shell of his ear, his jaw… his neck and the mark… his collarbones and chest as I pull away his clothes.  
And he lets me.

So why does he refuse me, if he'll let me have my way anyways? I wonder as he lies before me, naked.  
His legs dangle over my thighs, spread for me, is arms are lie flat on the mattress, his face is still turned to the side, avoiding my eyes.

I'll make him face me.

I bend down to suck on his nipple, sucking so hard I hear him bite back a wince.  
“Let out your voice”, I growl, lips still against his skin, “nobody else can hear you here”

Taki lets out a pathetic whimper.  
I bite down on his nipple. My teeth left faint indents on Taki's skin. I suck on his other nipple, holding myself up with my right hand, which is clutching Taki's forearm, while my left hand goes down between our bodies; my knuckles brush Taki's stomach and instantly he stops breathing.  
I look at him.

He clasped his free hand over his mouth, staring up at me in fear.

I pull my hand away and let go of his arm. He covers his face with both hands now. Oh no…  
I grab his wrists and hold them down above his head, looking at him directly.  
“Taki”

I kiss his lips and I can feel him melt. His entire body goes lax.  
What's this, huh?

His taste lingers in my mouth after I pull away to look at him again.  
So, what was that about _you can't_?

“Why… Klaus...”  
I let out a breath I hadn't realized I was holding.  
“Why, what?” I sound gentler than I feel…

The creeping sense of shame and self-hatred is still here somewhere in the back of my mind.

“I'm… not…” Taki starts and visibly struggles to form his words. His eyes dart from one corner to the other, while he opens and closes his mouth, breath held, mutely.  
Finally though, he swallows and licks his lips nervously. “I'm not… in heat…”

I find myself choking on a soft laugh.

I hang my head low, resting my forehead against his shoulder.  
“Oh Taki…” I murmur, “Did you really think, I'd only lay my hands on you, while you're in heat?”

Suddenly he struggles again.

I lift my head slightly, just enough to graze the mark on his neck with my teeth.  
“D-don't…” Taki whimpers, turning his head to the side. So which is it, huh? You say 'no' but you beg for it nevertheless.  
I bite down on the mark – not breaking the skin – just hard enough to make him wince.  
That's right, Taki.  
You are mine.

I keep holding his wrists above his head with my right hand, while my left hand goes down again. This time though, I don't just accidentally brush the skin of his – still – flat stomach; I let my hand linger just below his belly button, enjoying the feel of his smooth skin and firm muscles.

I remember clearly, how at Luckenwalde it had been such a shock to see him undressed for the first time.  
How his body had looked so impossibly small – not just for a beta, but a soldier in general.

But I knew well just how strong he actually was and still is.  
But not stronger than me.

Quicker, more agile, more precise – yes. Anytime.

But now?  
He's at my mercy.

I kiss him again, while my hand wanders further down between his legs. His body clearly reacted to my actions, even though he's not as easy as he'd be, if he were in heat.  
I reach even further down, pressing my index-finger against his entrance.

He tenses up.

I sigh fondly. So fucking pure…  
“Relax, Taki”, I murmur and push in.

Taki's mouth falls open in a silent cry.  
“Relax, come on”, I say again, pushing in just a centimeter further. He clenches around me, screws his eyes shut and bites his lip.  
No good, huh…

I let go of his wrists to stroke his chest with my right hand, while keeping my left still.  
I notice how he's barely even wet.  
Does it hurt him so much?!

I push in my finger just a little more so the tip brushes against his cervix.  
At first he whimpers, but then his eyes shoot open.  
There we go.  
I keep pushing my finger up against the wet walls that clench so deliciously around me.

“K-Klaus...” Taki's voice is a subdued moan and it goes straight to my cock. Damn…

I pull out my fingers and undo my pants, groaning once I'm finally free of the constricting fabric.  
“Klaus… !”  
Taki pushed himself up on his elbows, trying to crawl away from me.

I grab his hips with both hands and pull him closer, so my cock is pressed right up against his ass.  
He stares at me.

This is it… the face I wanted to see.

A battle between fear and desire.

His porcelain skin is flushed red, his lips wet, quivering as if he was going to cry – maybe he is – eyes so beautifully wide, focused on me and me alone.

I bend down to kiss him. I'm surprised when he angles his chin just so his lips meet mine sooner. I push my tongue into his mouth, meeting his, tasting him fully.  
My grip on his hips tightens as I pull him even closer, pressing my aching length against his ass.

I want to enter him… now.

He moans into the kiss when I make him roll his hips, grinding against him.  
I pull away and start kissing down his chest, sucking on his nipples for good measure – and because his needy mewls are just the most delicious sounds I'll ever hear.  
Slowly I move further down, tracing his quivering member with my tongue, getting closer to my goal.

“Don't…! Klaus… please… no… Aahh…” he grabs a handful of my hair, pulling me up. “Don't… please… please…”

I look up at him, at his face… his teary eyes.  
Oh Taki… sweet, innocent and pure Taki… I kiss his stomach, his chest, his collarbones up to his jaw and nibble on his neck, tasting his sweet skin. At the same time, I stroke my own arousal. I'm weirdly tempted to just jerk off to the view and taste of my sweet Taki, but I'm even more tempted by the enticing heat of Taki's ass engulfing my cock.

I guide my tip to his entrance, just to feel him tense up again.  
“Come on, Taki”, I murmur while I rub the tip against his perineum and entrance. He shakes his head, covering his mouth with both hands.  
“You can do it, Taki”, I try to coax him into relaxing.

I push the tip into his entrance, feeling him take me in.  
Fuck… fuck… fuck- it's been way too long… during the last month or so I'd kept my dirty hands to myself, mostly. Okay, that's a lie, but I only ever stroked him, trying not to make his condition any worse.

“Relax… Taki…” I pant and hold still.

Taki is clutching the pillow with both hands, eyes screwed shut, mouth tense.  
“Relax… you're so… fucking tight...” I murmur, holding myself up on one arm so I can run my fingers of my free hand through his hair.  
Slowly… I push in more. I watch the pain on Taki's face… Tears well up in the corners of his eyes, he turns his head to the side, biting down on the pillow.  
Fuck…

I try to go in deeper, try to push past the thickest point of my cock, so he can get used to it sooner, but he cries out, trembling.

Fuck… fuck, this is going nowhere… fuck… 

I stroke his hair in a fruitless attempt to soothe him… and pull out.

Fuck…

 

He looks at me through his tears and it breaks my heart to see fear written in them, even now.  
“Hey… it's okay. We can take our time, it's okay, Taki”

 

I kissed his forehead after that, my own arousal pretty much forgotten at this point. I stroked him again until he came.

For a few tense minutes he remained still, laying on his back, eyes closed. Then he just got up and started collecting his clothes.

I suppress a sigh.  
This is what I have to put up with.

Seriously… what is he doing? Putting his clothes on, like a well payed prostitute after the job is done?

“Klaus” I look at him.  
“My office. We have pressing matters to discuss”

Right. I forgot. A political prostitute.

I sigh and get up, fixing my pants up and throw on my coat. He looks at me. His eyes are so beautiful, watching me carefully.  
I walk up to him and put my hands on his hips, holding him in place for a moment.  
“I'm here, Taki. I'm with you”, I murmur, feeling the need to assure him… and myself somehow.

Surely, this whole matter is a difficult thing to deal with. Taki is the emperor's nephew if I remember correctly. Second in the line of succession. Him having a child is probably screwing over something in the hierarchy or so.  
Me not being from his country, and not even a person – considering my vows, when I became his knight – doesn't make the problem any simpler.

That reminds me… what do _I_ do?

Until now they haven't contacted me at all. Obviously they have to be careful. They can't just toss another spy into the country, without somebody getting suspicious.  
I mean, I'm only accepted here, because Taki wants me here.

So they have to be careful.

Right now, all I can do is wait.  
It does look pretty okay for now. Taki did decide to only let the emperor himself and the people at the compound know, so this won't get out anytime soon, I hope.

 

Taki sits in his office, staring at the paper, pen in his hand, unmoving though.  
I expected him to talk to me, at least a little. I mean, isn't that why he wanted me to come with him to his office?

“So… what are you gonna write?”, I ask, startling him out of his tense, silent contemplation.  
He shoots me a glance, before fixating the paper again.

“I… must let the emperor know”, he says.  
“He's your uncle, right?” I rest my back against the wall next to his desk.  
Taki nods.

“Hey, dear uncle! I have big news for you. I'm gonna have a child, I hope you'll be happy, best wishes”, I suggest, grinning.

He looks at me, as though I'd lost my mind. Who knows, maybe I have.

“It's… not… that easy”, Taki murmurs softly. “I cannot address him in such an informal manner.”  
He looks at me, and I can't really believe my eyes, when I see the faintest hint of a smile in his eyes.

I did it!  
I made him – okay, not smile but – not-frown! Yes!

“I'm certain you'll find the right words”, I say and stand behind his chair, bowing down to kiss the top of his head.

He shakes his head though.

I stay where I am, watching over his shoulder, how he sets down the pen, just to pull his hand back again.  
“It'll be fine, Taki. This isn't your fault. You are not writing an apology, you are writing… a complaint, if anything”, I say, putting gentle pressure on his shoulders. He relaxes ever so slightly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note: Okay… Allow me to apologize for this weak chapter.  
> I never thought it'd be so hard to write a dub-con-scene like this…  
> And yeah, this chapter is hella short. Sorry.  
> I'll get my shit together over the next chapters – hopefully!


	14. Chapter 14

Well, I wouldn't have guessed that I'd be back at the imperial court so soon.  
It's only been like, two months or so since Taki and I came here; since I became Taki's knight.

Back then we visited Lord Azai, who had been the one to invite my grandpa and dad to the imperial court in the first place.  
I guess I should thank him for allowing Taki and me to meet – even though he surely hadn't planned for it to happen.

As we arrive at the court, the fragrance strikes me again. Both in a familiar way, and in a way, that I hadn't thought about before.  
Ever so faintly, this scent clings to Taki, to his skin, his hair… but it is not his scent.

He smells so much sweeter.  
He walks in front of me, so tense it's gotta hurt. I catch up to him, ignoring the disapproving glances from all sides, and rest my hand on the small of his back.  
He flinches.  
“ _Beruhig' dich, ich bin ja da_ ” I whisper, so nobody else would understand.  
“Wolfstadt-dono, please! Mind your manners!”, comes the reprimand immediately. You'd expect Hasebe to be even more stiff and slow, now that he's wearing these ridiculous robes, but apparently all people of Taki's country have a natural talent when it comes to wearing these things.  
I look at him, not really caring what he has to say.  
“It's… fine, Grand Chamberlain”, Taki murmurs though and leans his back into my hand ever so slightly – I hope I'm not imagining this. I can't be going insane now, can I?  
“Klaus… was just assuring me”

Shit.  
A part of my brain is doing a happy-dance, while the other desperately hopes not to actually blush. I had totally forgotten, just how powerful Taki's sweet self is. The one I met under that wisteria-tree, the one who I shared a room with at Luckenwalde, the one whose eyes shone, when Hans and I took him to the marketplace in winter, the one who just smiled happily, when I tried his coffee.

Fuck the secondary genders. Honestly… I can't resist this guy, no matter what.

I slide my hand a bit further down Taki's back, so I can rest it on his hip, walking next to him.  
“Ich bitte Dich, Klaus… Du kannst mir nicht so nahe sein”, Taki mutters under his breath. And even when he speaks so softly, I can still hear his accent.

It's almost a shame to only ever hear him speak in his native language anymore; sure, the language itself is beautiful, and even more so, when it's sweet and gentle Taki who speaks it.  
But there is a unique taste to the way Taki pronounces my native language. His voice softens the clear edges of the language.  
It's strange.

When he speaks, the sharp and cold edges of the words don't just cut through the air; he politely begs the air to part, so the sharp sounds won't hurt it.

I pull my hand away from his hip, resting it on his back again.

The walk feels like it takes way too long.

We arrived here about an hour ago, Taki and the others put on their appropriate robes and headdresses, while I just stayed as I was. Gotta point out who the stranger is, just to be safe, right?  
Well, I'm glad I don't have to wear that blue monster again. It looked so stupid on me.

I don't know exactly what Taki wrote in his letter to the emperor, but apparently this entourage is needed to get Taki and me to the emperor's throne-hall – or wherever it is we're going.  
Hasebe is here, Uemura and Suguri and a bunch of others, whose names I can't be bothered to remember.

“We are almost there”, Taki murmurs. I huff, finally. He looks at me and withdraws from me. “Du darfst nicht”, he whispers.  
I'm not allowed? Who forbids it, huh?

I shove my hands into my pockets, trying not to look too displeased.

Instead I take a moment to look at the architecture here. It's so distinctly different from what I'm used to. Imperial court rooms and royal meeting halls in my mind are richly decorated with intricate golden ornaments. Windows are huge to let in as much light as possible, so the gold-plated furniture glistens even more.

What I find here is dark-red wood, curtains and heavy robes.  
To be of royal descent was a privilege in my country, here it's a burden.

Taki walks ahead, climbing up the few stairs to the hall where we'll apparently be meeting the emperor.

At the end of the room, on a throne – it surely doesn't look like my idea of a throne, but it clearly is one – sits the emperor himself, face hidden behind a veil made of gems and pearls.

After a few steps into the room Taki sinks to his knees, hands covered by his long sleeves, flat on the ground.  
The others bow down at the same time.

So… I'm the odd one here.

Still, I bow down just like they did, just like Taki told me to.

“Raise your head, sakone no daishou”, the emperor calls softly, “Come closer, we have a lot to discuss”

I can practically _feel_ Taki's tension when he moves.

He walks up to the emperor's throne, indicating for me to follow, while the others move to seats on either side of the throne – apparently this is the usual routine here?

“Your letter worried me very much, sakone no daishou”, the emperor starts, voice still soft.  
I sit on my legs, like the others, and I wonder if it's a part of the strategy. Make your enemies sit like this – they aren't used to cutting off the blood circulation in their legs – so they can't run away once shit goes down.  
What a ridiculous thought.

“I'm sorry to have caused you sorrow, your grace”, Taki replies, voice just as soft as his uncle's. Somehow though he manages to sound submissive. Like… more submissive than ever.

It's such a stark contrast to my memory of him, commanding his men, ordering me around…

“I take it, you have already made a decision, if you chose to see me now”, the emperor retorts, sharper this time and turns towards me.  
I can't see, let alone read his face, still I feel his eyes on me, and it's not a friendly look.

Taki turns towards me as well, and I feel the unspoken question as though it was yelled at me. 'How could you?!'

Before I can try to speak though, Taki clears his throat. Not to get anyone's attention.  
“Your grace, it is as you suspect. Klaus has… the decision has been made. I beg you forgive me” Taki's voice sounds like he's being strangled as he speaks.  
Like he's fighting for his life with his words alone. All in the same, calm and subdued manner. A perfectly executed stage-play.

“Raise your head, sakone no daishou”

Taki looks up at his uncle.

I never looked up to Hartmann like that. Sure, as a kid I did. But this is different. I never looked at him with fear in my eyes.

Well, I guess Hartmann never expected me to take the blame for something I wasn't responsible for.

“Your grace...” Taki's voice dies.

“It pains me to see that the day has come… that you should look at me like this”, Taki's uncle murmurs and shifts in his seat, raising one hand.  
Taki lowers his head again, ducking away from the hand that gently reached for him.

I need to keep myself from misbehaving. I really want to hold Taki close right now. I can smell his distress.

_Keep it together, Wolfstadt…_

“Your… grace”

All eyes are on me now.

“Now that you are… aware of the situation, I would like to ask, on Taki's behalf”, is it me, or did the emperor just flinch, when I said Taki's name, “why his own gender was kept from him”

Nobody reprimands me.  
I know very well that the only reason for this is their unwillingness to show such a thing to the emperor.  
One shouldn't have to reprimand a subordinate, right?

They expect me to apologize, I guess.

Not gonna happen with me, though.

Not unless they apologize first.

“Forgive… my knight for speaking out of turn”, Taki quickly says, turning his terrified eyes towards me for a second.

“No, I suppose he is right. I accept the apology”, the emperor murmurs, resting both his hands in his lap now.

“It was… decided when my nephew was ten”

He has a name, asshole. His name is Taki.

“Taki-sama started to experience fevers and hormonal disturbances at that age, which led me to administer a weak suppressant each month, to ensure his health and safety”, Suguri explains after a while.

“His minders and caregivers came together to decide on the further handling of the matter. For a shinka to experience a heat at such an age was unheard of, so matters had to be handled somehow”, Uemura now speaks up and clears his voice.  
“Suguri-dono, Hasebe-dono, Taki-sama's nurse and his closest relatives took part in that decision”

“And I warned, that the suppressant wouldn't keep Taki-sama safe forever”, Suguri throws out.

Taki is awfully silent.  
He lowered his head, staring at his sleeves. Listening silently.

“That's what a suppressant does, after all. It _suppresses_ , it doesn't just shut off the hormonal functions. And when exposed to an influence that's strong enough to overwrite the suppressant's effect, there is nothing anyone can do”  
I'm surprised to see a great deal of pain in Suguri's expression, to hear sorrow and anger, barely contained in his voice.

This is an argument he repeated time and time again. Nobody listened though.

So he lived all this time with the distinct knowledge, that Taki would never truly be safe.

“You were keeping an eye on Taki-sama, you would have been there, ready to adjust the medication to his needs”, Hasebe growls.

“That's all cool and stuff. Meds to keep him safe, I get it”, I say, interrupting this silly back and forth 'you did this – you did that' discussion.  
“But why was it kept from him? Why was he himself the one who knew the least about it…?”

I ignore Taki's mortified expression.

I'm too pissed off to care right now.

“Wolfstadt!”, Hasebe growls, glaring at me.  
“I'm not the one bearing the consequences, not physically at least. He is. So why was HE unaware?!”

“Silence”

That does it.

Everyone and everything falls into tense silence. Even I feel like I'm unable to argue anymore.

“Knowledge leads to curiosity and temptation”

 

Hours later I'm still insanely angry.

Taki is… gone. Somewhere, I don't know.

Let's just say, the meeting didn't end too awesome.

Now I'm standing outside, waiting for my anger to pass. Why did I give away my cigs again? Right, because I'm an idiot, that must be it.  
I just stubbed out the last cig I had left, and now I'm still here, angry as fuck and nothing to calm me down.

There's just too much going on here, that I can't hope to understand.

Slowly it starts to rain.

What a crappy august…

“Klaus!”, Taki's voice is weak, almost overpowered by the rain. “Thats where you were… I was looking… for you”

I wait for him to come within my reach. And then I grab his arm, pulling him close before he can protest or struggle.  
I kiss him.

He struggles and pulls away. He turns his face away from me.  
“You… know I don't like…” he stops and lowers his head.

Oh right.  
Shit, that's right.

Idiot.  
 _Idiot. Idiot. Idiot! Du gottverdammter Dummkopf._

I wanted to quit, because the smoke sure isn't any good for Taki and the baby. Right.  
“Sorry. I was just… I'm…” I start and don't know what I'm actually trying to say. I was angry? No, I still am. Very much so.  
But not at him.

That's not entirely true either.

I'm angry at… everything and nothing.

“The emperor… he… is very kind”, Taki mumbles. Great. That's what I wanted to hear. Sure.

“He understands that this…” I look at Taki just as he lowers his head, hiding his eyes behind his thick, glossy hair.  
Some raindrops glisten on the strands, not seeping in yet.  
I reach out and run my fingers through his hair.

He looks at me, startled.

“Yes?”, I whisper.  
“It's… not our fault… not yours”, Taki mutters. Ah, it's so nice to see how a single touch can throw him off so much. “But we need to make things right”  
I look at him, concerned.  
What exactly do they mean, when saying 'make things right'? Last time it was … _don't remember it, you just calmed down, Wolfstadt._  
I calmed down? Indeed… I did.

And here I thought I was the one throwing Taki off… but he makes me forget my anger and replaces it with… something.

“What's that supposed to mean?”, I ask. Taki lowers his head.  
no.  
no, no no… nope. Don't you dare…  
“Marriage”

Everything stops.

“Excuse me?”  
Taki looks like he's about to cry again. “Marriage. I have to… marry an … appropriate Alpha”, he murmurs. _And you are not appropriate, Klaus._

He doesn't have to say it.

“I see”  
He looks at me.  
He looks hurt.

I grab the hair at the back of his head and pull him into a kiss. I trace his jaw and neck with my free hand. I can feel the slight ridge of the mark under my fingertips.

He's mine.

Try as they might, he'll never belong to anyone but me.

I pull his head back a little and kiss the mark; suck on it till it's deep red.  
“K-Klaus… ah… stop… p-please… someone might… see...”  
I hold him tighter.

“Let me go”, he tries to push me away, “Please, let me go, Klaus!”  
I release him unwillingly.  
He looks at me, flustered and – for whatever reason – scared.  
Again.

 

Even later, we are back at the compound.

Everything is dyed in a golden shade of red, now that the sun is setting. Taki's pale skin stands out against his dark hair, his eyes glisten with the tears he didn't cry.

He took me to my shed and left.

Just like that.

 

Gotta sever the ties as soon as possible, huh…

I slump down on the bed and stare at the ceiling. That's it? He'll just marry some other alpha, someone who matches him in rank and status? Someone who's from his own country, someone who actually minds his manners, unlike me.

Yeah, how could anyone ever think it'd work out alright, right? A wolf and a fucking kitten.

What a weird mutant would come out of that… heh… god, why these thoughts…

I was going to make myself laugh about this, about my ridiculous feelings. What an idiot I am, right? Hartmann was right.  
But now I find myself thinking of tiny hands and deep blue eyes.

I wonder… would they send me back home? Just sever all ties? Fuck the knight, kick him out, we have a proper husband now… Like that?

How would Taki cope with that?  
Okay, wait. Who ever said he had feelings for me, that went beyond… fear? Friendship? Lust maybe?

Who'd keep the kid?  
I doubt the proper husband would care for it, would he? So would they kick me out with my kid?

Again, I can't help but think of tiny hands. Tiny feet… a tiny face with big blue eyes.  
Shit.

Fucking shit.

I realize I'm picturing Taki's younger self. Just even more tiny.  
The sweet boy, under the wisteria tree.

I find myself choking on a laugh, when I wonder if there's any baby-pictures of Taki. Maybe a picture of his mother and father, holding him.  
Don't most parents have at least a photo like that?

Now that I think of it… where even are Taki's parents?

My thoughts are cut off by the siren. Great, I didn't bother to undress, so I'm up and out the door within less than a minute.

I go behind my shed, where I'm keeping the motorcycle I fixed and pull it with me.  
Most soldiers are already there, ready to move out. Taki isn't around though. Is he fine?

Suguri and the Murakumo-trio show up, followed by Taki.  
“The border is under attack, chrysanthemum's Tachibana is moving out already and will provide us with further details and support from above! All units move out in 5. Klaus…” Taki walks up to me, only now noticing the motorcycle.  
“I'll cover Murakumo”, I tell him before he can ask, “I'm your knight, aren't I? I gotta protect my master”

He nods once and goes back to instructing the other units, before he climbs into Murakumo.

“Pass auf _euch_ auf, Taki.”

Nobody heard me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note: yay, a translation! I hope most was clear from the context, but just in case, there you go!
> 
> Beruhig' dich, ich bin ja da – Calm down, I'm with you
> 
> Ich bitte Dich, Klaus… Du kannst mir nicht so nahe sein – I'm begging you Klaus… You can't be this close to me (Taki made a little mistake here. What he meant to say was probably 'Du darfst mir nicht so nahe sein' which would have been 'You aren't allowed to be this close to me')
> 
> Du darfst nicht – you are not allowed
> 
> Du gottverdammter Dummkopf – you god damned dumb ass/idiot
> 
> Pass auf euch auf, Taki – Keep yourselves safe, Taki (Klaus is telling Taki to keep himself AND the baby safe)
> 
> I hope you liked this chapter! Thank you all so much for reading!


	15. Chapter 15

The announcement probably went as well as it could go.  
It's not like you can expect cheers of joy, when the commander just tells everyone that he's an omega, that he's pregnant with somebody's child, out of wedlock and still hopes for obedience and support.  
Oh, and he sincerely apologizes, but would everyone please keep quiet about it? This is sensitive information that shouldn't fall into the enemy's hands.

Taki kept a straight face during his speech, but those who stood nearby could see him tremble. I had never seen him this scared on the battlefield, surrounded by enemies.  
But here, surrounded by his loyal soldiers, he can barely stand.

I stood behind him, keeping an eye on both him and the crowd.

Suguri stood near Taki, ready to intervene if necessary. As Taki's doctor he had the obligation to do that, apparently.  
Further in the back, behind Taki stood Uemura and Hasebe, both with equally grim expressions.

When Taki mentioned his pregnancy, all eyes snapped towards me.  
Of course they'd figure it out.

Their precious Taki-sama is almost three months pregnant and he has an alpha by his side now… wow, I wonder what that might tell me?!

Seriously though, whoever thought it was a smart idea to keep the father's identity a secret doesn't understand how gossip works. I guess it's a weak attempt to make it more believable later, when Taki gets married to some other alpha.

Actually, Taki hasn't spoken to me about that again. Honestly, I didn't try to bring it up either.

It's not like I'm eager to find out who'll replace me.  
I wonder if Taki even knows yet.

I don't ask.

And so days turn into weeks, even though every single day seems to drag on endlessly. A new kind of nightmare.  
In the past, so often, I felt hunted. I had to run, never stop. Never sleep, never eat, no time. Don't let them get you.  
Getting lost in that same darkness that hides and protects me.

No light to guide me.

And now?

The single most precious and sweet prize, the one to guide me from the darkness is right here, within my reach.

I don't really know what to feel.

Between my frustration with this entire place, all the people here, my worries about Taki and our child, not to mention the fucking _war_ going on…

I'm itching for a cigarette, but this time I do remember why I quit.  
At the end of it though, what point is there? Won't I be sent away, as soon as a suitable alpha is found?

Ah for fuck's sake… what am I doing here, huh?  
I'm fighting on the enemy's side, I'm in a place where everyone hates me, and the only one who doesn't hate me is afraid of me.  
Maybe Hartmann was really right, when he said that thing about one's roots. That loosing them is the loneliest feeling in the world.  
I suppose my feelings right now are pretty close to that.

I miss Claudia. I our parents too. Grandpa's stories.

Claudia would always assure me somehow. I don't know how, but somehow she did. There was something comforting in the way she'd always be there for me, smiling at me whenever I came to visit.  
And even earlier, when we were children. She was so brave. She taught me to be brave as well.

She got lots of that from our mom, I think. Well, we didn't have _much_ time with her and dad.  
They still taught me a lot though. Even when they were gone.

Grandpa too.

He made me feel special in this world.  
He made me believe that there is more to this life, than just survival in itself.

That's why I kept fighting, running, going on and on through hell and beyond. That's how I survived the first war.

I had forgotten what it's like to feel fulfilled like this, until I met Taki.

After the war I had been seeking something – _anything_ – to fill that endless hunger. At first I thought, the same drugs that helped me drag myself from hell, could help me drag myself through my daily life.  
Fuck that though.

Claudia and Hartmann got me back on my feet, each in their own way.  
Claudia kept an eye on me, took away the drugs, made me stay at her place. Hartmann got me back to work. I took missions and to some extend I felt alive again.  
Just enough to get out of bed in the morning. But that was enough.

It's easier to be a spy, when you don't live for yourself.

That reminds me… shouldn't someone be looking for me by now? Hartmann did let me come here under the condition that I supply him and the Western Alliance with useful information.

I'm tempted to sell out Taki and his people right now. I'd just keep him by my side as my mate; do as what I wanted to do in the first place and take him with me to my house.  
Just quit the war now.

But I can't.  
I couldn't do that.

There is that flame in him, that I desire so much… no matter how powerful I physically might be, somehow I'll always end up kneeling by his feet.

There is that passion, the white-hot essence that flows in him. The tremble in his voice, as he sends his men into the battlefield, the glint in his eyes when he looks at the names of those who perished, the warm shade of pink dusting his cheeks when he looks at me.

His gaze keeps falling back towards me, mistrusting and longing at the same time.  
After announcement he went to his room, and I naturally followed him. And he never told me to leave.

Once I shut the door behind myself he turned towards me, looking at me for a few tense seconds. Then he turned away and sat on the bed.

I can't read him.

“Taki”, I start, unsure what I actually want to say.  
He looks at me.  
His hands clutch the edge of the mattress.  
“Hey now...” I try again and take a few steps towards him. He doesn't move.

I come even closer.

I could touch him now, if only I reached for him.  
He keeps looking at me.

He looks like prey awaiting death.

I reach for him.

He closes his eyes.

I lay my hand on his head, holding it there for a while. Feeling his warmth. I run my fingers though his hair and cradle the back of his head in my hand.  
His scalp is slightly damp.

I look at him.  
“Open your eyes, Taki”

He holds his breath and opens his eyes, lowering his gaze immediately.

 

I stroke his nape with my fingertips, before moving on to the mark.

He's mine.

He'll always be mine.

He shudders.  
“K… Klaus…”  
I hold still.  
He looks at me. Scared again.

I hold his face in both my hands and bend down to kiss him. Slowly.

He doesn't move.  
Doesn't resist.

He's mine.

This time, I prepare him well.  
I keep fingering him until he's dripping wet, moaning into his sleeve.  
He's so delicious.

I pull him close, legs spread for me and bury my face in the crook of his neck, inhaling his scent.  
“Relax, Taki” I murmur, kissing his skin.  
He whimpers.

I grab his ass cheeks with either hand and pull them apart, glancing down at his entrance.  
“No…! Don't… please… don't look…”  
“Shh, Taki. You are beautiful”, I assure him. I try, at least.

His face is wet with tears.

When I push in my cock, he bites his lip, suppressing his cries.  
“Stop holding back your voice”, I whisper.

He bites down on his lip harder.

“Stop it!” I grab his chin and push one finger inside his mouth, so he can't bite on his lip.  
Like this, I enter him further. I don't have to look to know how far I've entered him.  
He's so damn tight.

He sobs. His teeth nudge my fingers slightly as his jaw trembles. I look at him.

Fuck…

He's so damn beautiful. I remove my fingers from his mouth and kiss him hard, pushing in the last few centimeters.  
He wails.

I pull away and look at him.  
“Ready?” I ask and start to pull out slowly. He closes his eyes like he's in pain.

I thrust back into him.  
He moans.

Again, more and more, deeper, harder, faster, more… more!  
He cries out, calls my name, clinging to me desperately.

 

Even now his voice is ringing in my ears.  
He's absolutely silent, except for his soft breathing. His breath tickles my chest.

The image I saw moments ago – or has it been hours yet? – is still fresh in my mind. How he clung to me, how he cried my name, how his eyes were brimming with tears.  
I bury my nose in his hair.

How have I gotten so used to this scent of his?  
I still remember clearly – and I swear I'll never forget – the clean, pure maiden scent of his. Something only I will ever know.

So how is it, that his current scent feels so nice too? How is it not… a disturbance of something I hold dear? Not anymore.

I pull him closer, careful not to wake him and pull the blanket up higher over his shoulder.

His hand brushes my chest. I watch him, as he settles against me again, shifting until he's comfortable.  
He hides his face against his hand and my chest – can he breathe like this?  
I run my fingers through his hair and brush it away from his face.  
He always hides behind his fringe, when he's afraid his emotions might show on his face.

Always perfectly in control, always a perfect doll.

A doll with a perfectly painted smile.

I want to see the _real_ smile. A smile that might be a bit painful, that might be a bit sad, but heartfelt.

I don't want to see the perfect doll.  
I want to see the real human.

I sigh.

I rest my hand on his hip and close my eyes.

 

My mind is filled with memories of Taki.  
The child with those sad blue eyes… not sky blue. More like clear water. Deep water.

The alley cat… so small, yet so strong. But breakable and coy.  
Tender and sweet if you treat him right.

Memories of a dark, rainy night.  
Chase.  
Carrying a small, warm body. Keeping him safe.

Memories of a dark, moonless night.  
Screams and crashing noises. Waves below me, waiting to swallow me whole and never let me go.

_Screams…_

_“Soll ich dich fortan Onkel Klaus nennen?”  
“Ich bitte dich, Claudia…”  
“Was denn?” a giggle…  
“...”  
“Du bist jetzt Onkel, Klaus. Magst du sie mal halten?”_

_Awkward. A tiny body. Warm and tiny hands.  
Surprisingly heavy.  
“Hallo Maria”_

_A smile._

 

I blink.  
Taki has turned around, pressing his back against my chest slightly. Is he cold?  
I pull him tighter and only now notice, where my hand is resting.

Right over his flat belly.

His left hand resting over mine, fingers entangled with mine.

I swallow dryly.

I can't deal with the feelings I'm having. I can't name them.  
Fuck, I'm getting angry…

But I can't pull my hand away, can I?

He might wake up.

“Klaus?”  
I flinch, startled.

Taki is looking at me from the corner of his eye, head turned towards me.  
I lean on my right elbow and look at him.

He looks back up at me for a few seconds, before he practically tears his hand away from mine, only now realizing it's position.

I keep my hand right where it was.  
On his belly.  
Above our child.

He looks at me.

I look at my hand and press down carefully. At first I feel Taki's muscles tense instinctively. But as I keep pressing down my fingers over his abdomen, he relaxes.  
And finally, under a thin layer of skin and fat, I feel a small hard sphere.

His womb, and inside it our unborn child.

When I look at his face, he's looking at my hands.  
His jaw is tense, like he's holding back tears.  
His eyes though, his gaze is soft and warm.

I pull my hand away.

Something about his expression just hit me hard. This warmth despite the pain. Unconditional devotion.

I'm an idiot, right?

Right.  
I am.

Surely, I am.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note: Thank you for reading!  
> I'm sorry it took so long…
> 
> We got some german again… so here's the translation:
> 
> Soll ich dich fortan Onkel Klaus nennen? – Should I call you Uncle Klaus from now on?
> 
> Ich bitte dich, Claudia – Oh please, Claudia (Klaus is being dismissive)
> 
> Was denn? – What? (Claudia is teasing)
> 
> Du bist jetzt Onkel, Klaus. Magst du sie mal halten? – You are her Uncle now, Klaus. Do you want to try holding her?
> 
> Hallo Maria – Hello Maria
> 
> I hope you liked this chapter!


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note: Allow me to throw out a disclaimer here… I have no idea of how military strategies work… I'm just kinda… trying to make things sound believable…? Sorry if I fail at that… But in all honesty, none of you are here for the military strategies...

As always I hover by Taki's side while he's sitting in his armchair at the back of the room.  
New orders from Asakura came in shortly after we woke up this morning.

Instantly that soft and warm gaze was gone, replaced by icy poise and strict perfection.

“They have breached further into our territory. The mountainside is both an obstacle and a shield for their troops as it seems. So I would suggest we attack before they have the chance to fully retreat and hide, wouldn't you agree, Taki-sama?” Major Uemura sketches the assumptive positions of their enemies – sorry, our enemies – into the map with a pencil.  
“It's dangerous though. If done right, they could trap Murakumo on the north-western edge of the mountains. The ground is too uneven for Murakumo's treads”, Taki shakes his head and presses his index finger to his upper lip as he thinks.  
He does that when he's seriously worried about something.  
“I see, Taki-sama” Uemura nods and stares at the map again.

“It wouldn't do any good to drive them further up the mountains either”, a lieutenant adds.

“It could be of use, depending on their vehicles. If their vehicles are about as heavy as Murakumo, they would be trapped, and easy to defeat. If their vehicles are more agile though, we'd easily get trapped ourselves”, Taki says, shifting in his seat to lean over the map and take in any detail that might have escaped his eye earlier.

“I could go in there”, I suggest.

Taki's gaze snaps towards me. I don't know if he's pleased or terrified. Maybe both.  
“On the bike I could go this way” I step up to the table and draw in my route with my fingertip. “This way they wouldn't see me coming, right?”

“But all alone!?”, the lieutenant throws out before even Taki can say anything. What a horrible liar.

“It'd only be recon. I'd stay at a safe distance and relay the information to you. Then you grab your men and kick their asses accordingly”, I say, looking at Taki directly.  
He looks conflicted.  
“Don't you think they'd take some cautionary measures to keep that exact thing from happening?”  
“They only just got there. Night is falling quickly. I bet they haven't had time to set up an outpost anywhere. Don't forget they are up against the mountainside. The sooner we start moving, the easier it'll be”

Almost everyone nods in agreement.  
Taki frowns.  
“Also, it's easy for them to mistake me for a messenger if I'm on my own, on my bike”

“Fine”

I smile.  
“Good. I'm getting ready then. You enjoy your tea party” I quip and leave the conference room.

Oh my god, how do they survive those meetings…

 

Quickly I go to my shed, glad I have something to do for real.  
Sitting there and getting bored to death won't make anything better. I grab my guns just to be safe and put on the holster, so I can hide them properly under my jacket. What a crappy September, seriously.  
I check if my motorcycle is running properly and once I'm certain she runs smoothly I take her to the gate. I'll wait here for Taki and his groupies.

Two soldiers approach the gate. Wait, I know them. They are part of Murakumo's crew. The omega and the alpha.  
Azusa and Moriya… ? Right? It was Moriya.

“Captain Klaus von Wolfstadt”, Moriya starts.  
“Yes?”  
“Taki-sama ordered us to give you better wireless communication, so you can contact Taki-sama from the mountainside. This channel is harder to intercept, and it's for you alone, to communicate with Murakumo”, Azusa explains and shows me the radio.  
“It's channel 307”, Moriya adds.  
“Cool”, I say and take the radio from Azusa to put it into the sidecar of my bike.

“You can give us your former radio, you won't need it if you have the new one”, Moriya says and reaches for the other radio.  
I nod and let him remove it from the sidecar.  
“As the wireless operator I will put you through to Taki-sama, so I hope we will be able to work well together”, Azusa stutters and bows.  
I nod at him.

“Before moving out, please confirm with me that the channel is working properly”, he adds before bowing once more and saluting. Moriya does the same.  
“Excuse us”, he says stiffly and both leave.

I got my own channel now?  
Well, that's not bad.  
This way I'll be able to talk to Taki properly.

I put on the microphone and headphones – crushing my ears in the process – and wait.  
After a few seconds, I hear loud static and immediately turn down the volume.  
“This is 2nd Lieutenant Azusa, Captain Klaus von Wolfstadt, do you hear me? Over” There we go.  
“Captain Klaus von Wolfstadt speaking, I hear you well. Over”, I reply.

Soon Taki himself, with his usual entourage shows up. He hides it well, but I'm certain he looks pleased when he sees the new radio in my sidecar.  
“We'll start preparations as soon as you move out. Murakumo and the first battalion will be on standby. If what you see suggests, that one battalion won't be enough, we'll get the second and third battalion – if needed – as reinforcement. So please report back to me as quickly and thoroughly as possible, Klaus”  
Taki holds out his right hand to me.  
I smile at him.  
“Of course I will”, I promise and kneel in front of him, grabbing his hand with mine.  
“Move out, my Knight”, he murmurs.

I kiss the knuckles of his hand, glancing up at his face. “Yes, my Master”  
He blushes and tries to pull away his hand.  
But I hold on and place one more kiss on the back of his hand before letting him go.

Before he, or anyone from his entourage, can reprimand me, I take off.

 

It takes less than an hour to find the specific mountainside that the Western Alliance is using as a shield right now.

I take a little detour, rounding the mountains from the east as planned and stop the bike on a small hill. From here nobody should be able to spot me or the bike.  
I grab the binoculars from the sidecar and see what I can find.  
No large vehicles. Mostly soldiers on foot. This can't be it, right?  
It doesn't look like they are going to move out or wait for anyone. Is this a reconnaissance mission here?  
Whatever it may be, I need to let Taki know about this.  
So after another while of observing I put on the headphones again.

“This is Captain Klaus von Wolfstadt speaking, do you hear me? Over”  
Static.  
“Positive! I will put you through to Taki-sama now. Over”, Azusa finally replies. More static follows.  
“Klaus, have you arrived safely? Over” I smile.  
“I have. I'm on a hill right now. They shouldn't be able to see me”, I say and sigh contently. How am I so happy right now?

“I see. What do you see, Klaus?”, Taki asks and I believe I hear something rustle in the background.  
“From what I can gather, they have a bunch of jeeps and plenty of men on foot. It looks like recon to me, rather than an outright offensive”, I explain.  
“That means, that the actual attack has yet to come? They are trying to do recon around the mountains to use them to their advantage?”, Taki speculates with more rustling going on in the background.  
“I can't really tell. But I think it's safe to assume that they're not on a field trip. If you send two battalions and me in there, we should be able to crush them before they can get anything useful done”  
Taki makes a frustrated sound.  
“Fine. You will gather more information if possible. The first and second battalions will join you within an hour. You will brief them on what you found and make up a plan”, Taki decides and I smile.  
“Very well, my Master”

 

Two weeks after that mission things have gotten more problematic.  
Apparently the Western Alliance have learned from that mistake and have now changed their tactics.  
Instead of doing excessive reconnaissance, they go for direct attacks in the open fields with disposable troops.  
This way they can keep Taki busy and make plans in the mean time.

This is what makes things really troublesome for Taki and his tiny country. Unlike the Alliance he has no disposable troops to hold the front.

This is why his country needed assistance from Eurote in the first war. Even now though, Taki is reluctant to rely on their support.  
I guess I understand why.  
I wouldn't want to be held on Eurote's leash either.

For the first time this week we got a moment to breathe.  
Everyone is tense and on edge. Nobody has the energy to spare a smile for anyone anymore.

Especially not the stranger who knocked up the commander. It's not confirmed obviously. But as I said, only because there is no clear statement, that won't stop gossip from spreading. Quite the contrary in fact.

It's a nice, warm day for once. There is no blue sky though. The reason why it's warm, is because the smoke made the clouds heavy, so they hang over the town like a lid over a pot. It's gonna rain soon.

I was actually sent here into town to run a few errands, but somehow I ended up lingering next to the fountain at the center of the marketplace.  
I should go back.

Then again, Taki probably knows what's taking me so long, so it's okay to stay a little longer. I do have my wireless radio with me, so he can call for me if need be.

I sigh.  
I'm itching for a cigarette…

“Entschuldigung, haben Sie Feuer für mich?”

I turn around immediately and look at the stranger suspiciously. He holds up a pack of cigarettes.  
“Sicher”, I say cautiously and offer him a pack of matches from my pocket.  
He looks at me.

He's a rather small man with a stocky body and retreating hairline. He's dressed in simple clothes.

“Hartmann schickt mich”

There he is. The one who'll relay my information to my uncle and by extension to the leaders of the Alliance.

“Kommen Sie ins Geschäft, dort können wir ungestört sprechen”, he says and walks ahead, certain that I'll follow him.  
I grab my bike and follow him to a shop. It doesn't look like much from the outside, and it looks like even less from the inside.  
“Ich habe aktuelle Dokumente, die ich Ihnen weitergeben soll”, he says and bends over to bet something from behind the counter.  
“Können Sie die Sprache hier?”, I ask.  
“Ja. Gut genug. Sie?”, he asks back.  
“Yes. It'll rouse suspicion if we speak German here. I can't risk my position here and neither can you”, I tell him.  
“You are right. When will you be able to provide the brass with information?”, he asks.  
“I can't make promises. Right now it's almost impos-”  
“Klaus, we are under attack! Where are you right now?”, Taki's voice springs forth from the headphones I keep around my neck.  
I gesture to the man that I have to leave and put on the headphones.  
“I'm still in the town. Where do you need me?”  
“I need you to flank Murakumo-” “ _You_ are going out?!”  
“Of course I am! Now listen, Klaus! We will keep them from reaching the Najiru river. That river flows into No man's land, so we must stop them from intruding there!”  
“Understood, I'll be there soon, my Master”

I straddle the bike and take off.

What is he thinking!?  
Moving out into such an attack in his condition? Can't he stay behind with Murakumo? Oversee the battle from a safer point, rather than rushing into death head-on?

What was I thinking…

He is reckless!  
He hasn't turned 20 yet…

I grip the handles of the bike harder and grit my teeth.  
Fuck.  
Fuck…

He's a teenager, swayed by his emotions, even if he's damn good at hiding it.  
One moment he's horny, the other he's scared, the next he's clingy, then cold… one moment he looks at my hand on his belly with the same gentle warmth I remember from my own mother… and then he throws himself into the battlefield for a country that doesn't even see him as his own person. He has to cheer up soldiers when they lose their will to fight, he has to seduce them into this unquestioning state of loyalty.  
It's sickening to watch him interact with the soldiers. Not the officers and lieutenants, but the simple foot soldiers. How he sweet-talks them into fighting for him and the country.

“Klaus, are you there yet?”  
“Almost. I'm almost there!”  
“Be safe”

…

 

“Things won't get easier from here on out!”

His body jerks and he turns back towards me, fury in his eyes.  
“I'm not doing any of this because it's _easy_!”, he spits back at me.

“Day in, day out people will die! The same people who follow you with such devotion just won't come back one day. They'll be nothing but fucked up corpses, forgotten, rotting in the dirt! You don't belong with _them_!” I yell at him, gripping his chin so he won't avoid my eyes.

He slaps my hand away and takes a step back.  
“How dare you say that?! I am a lord, I must protect my people! As such _anything_ would be better than letting them die alone on a godforsaken battlefield. So no matter how terrible it might be… I will stand with them on that battlefield!”

Tears well up in his eyes.  
His cheeks are flushed… passion running through him.  
Life… running through him.

“But you are not alone. All that devotion is admirable, but you are more than just a lord, Taki!”

He swallows hard and lowers his head.  
Hiding his feelings behind the curtain of his hair again.

I cradle his face in my hand.  
“No matter who or what you are, first and foremost you are carrying a child now”, I say softly.

“It was a mistake. I deserve no pity”

I can't even laugh at this. Not even sarcastically. Any sound I try to make just gets stuck in my throat.

He pulls away from me, ready to leave.

Oh no, you don't.  
I grab his wrist and pull him back, trapping him with both my arms around his chest.  
“WHO if not YOU deserves any pity then!? The poor emperor? Poor old man Suguri? Who deserves it, hm?”  
“Klaus! Let me go… Let me go!”  
“No, Taki, you answer me now!” I keep one arm across his chest, gripping his shoulder with my hand and pull up his shirt from his belly with the other.  
“This child maybe?”

“This CHILD, indeed!” he almost screams. “This child has done nothing wrong! Yet it will live in shame and dishonor, because of my… of our mistakes...”

I can only shake my head in disbelief.  
“Now _let me GO!_ ”

Taki frees himself from my loosening grip and leaves, slamming the door shut.

Again I am alone in this shed.  
This godforsaken shed.

Thats how it is, huh?  
You stand with your men on the battlefield, but leave your Knight, your mate, the father of your child alone in his shed.

I'm not even fit to stay in one of the rooms of the main building.

I'm a dog on a chain, left outside in the cold.

 

“Taki-sama!”  
I ignore the ruckus outside. I don't need to listen to this…

“Call 2nd Lieutenant Suguri!”

 

Wait…

 

I walk up to my small window and look outside.

 

I'm an idiot.

I am nothing but an idiot.

I run out of the shed and kneel by Taki's side. He didn't get far… before his knees gave out under him. So when he slammed the door shut… he probably just fell back against it, stumbling under the pressure.  
“Captain Wofstadt…” the soldier who first found Taki starts but stops himself, unsure what to say.  
“I'll take him to Suguri”

“Don't… I'm…”, Taki tries to protest, but just by looking at his face I can tell how sick he's feeling.

All this just was too much.  
And I made it worse, instead of helping.

I told you so. I'm an idiot.

 

I hook Taki's arm over my shoulders, holding his hand with my right hand and support his body with my left arm. His small and light body feels heavy…  
Like this we reach Suguri's office.

The old man isn't happy.  
He briskly tells me to let Taki lie on the bed, but Taki stops me.  
“N-no… I… I feel sick…”

“The bathroom is right here”, Suguri says, looking at me and opens the door quickly.  
I support Taki until he reaches the toilet, where he drops to his knees, panting.  
“Don't try to hold it in, Taki-sama” Suguri glares at me until I move away from Taki's side. He puts one hand over Taki's forehead, checking his temperature, before grabbing Taki's wrist and checking his pulse.

Taki pulls his hand away from Suguri and clutches his stomach, before vomiting.  
I ignore Suguri's glares and hold back Taki's hair, rubbing his back with my other hand.

After a while Taki only spits up bile and saliva and soon, nothing comes up anymore.  
Tears are running down his flushed cheeks.  
I help him up and keep supporting him, so he can wash his face and mouth.  
Suguri leaves the bathroom in the mean time.

“How are you feeling, Taki?” I ask guiltily.  
He shakes his head and sobs.

“Come to the bed, Taki-sama. You should rest. Major Uemura will manage things if something happens”, Suguri says. I take Taki back to the bed, where he lies down obediently this time.  
“You are past the first trimester, Taki-sama. Morning sickness subsides typically by that time”, Suguri murmurs and sits on a chair next to the bed.  
“Take that chair and sit, Wolfstadt”, he tells me, not even glancing at me. I do as he tells me though.

“Did you eat anything unusual today, Taki-sama?”, Suguri asks while unbuttoning Taki's shirt. Taki shakes his head.  
“I see. Undo your trousers please, I will examine your stomach, just to be safe”, he adds and grabs a towel from his desk.  
He places that towel over Taki's lower abdomen – as if I hadn't seen this part of him yet.  
“Please tell me if any of this hurts now, Taki-sama”, he says and starts running his hands over Taki's stomach, pressing down in certain spots.

I look at Taki's face.  
He looks at me, but turns his face away once our eyes meet.

“This doesn't hurt?” Suguri asks and presses down on another spot on Taki's belly.  
Taki shakes his head.

“Then I would say you aren't sick. You probably pushed yourself too far lately, Taki-sama”, Suguri says and pulls the blanket from the foot end of the bed over Taki's body.  
“You should rest now. I'll stay with you”, he tells Taki and turns towards me.  
“You can leave”  
Get the fuck out of here, I know. I get it.

So I leave.

I go back to the town, where I had to leave hurriedly when the the attack started.  
I remembered the street and the shop where Hartmann's man works and went back there.

“Ah! Ich sehe man hat Sie noch nicht niedergemäht”  
“We agreed not to speak German...”  
“I know. You do look like you could use something familiar though. Something that isn't like _them_ ”  
I shrug.

“The documents I couldn't grab earlier, give them to me now. I'll memorize them”, I say and hold out my hand.  
“Cutting straight to the chase, I see. Well, there you go”, the old man says and hands me an envelope.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note: More German… yay?
> 
> Entschuldigung, haben Sie Feuer für mich? - Excuse me, do you have a lighter for me?
> 
> Sicher – sure
> 
> Hartmann schickt mich – Hartmann sends me
> 
> Kommen Sie ins Geschäft, dort können wir ungestört sprechen – Come into the shop, we'll be able to speak in private
> 
> Ich habe aktuelle Dokumente, die ich Ihnen weitergeben soll – I have recent documents which I'm supposed to hand to you
> 
> Können Sie die Sprache hier? – Do you know the language of this country?
> 
> Ja. Gut genug. Sie? – Yes. Good enough. You?
> 
> Ich sehe man hat Sie noch nicht niedergemäht – I see you haven't been mowed down yet
> 
> PS: Shout out to Maz. You crazy lady have been making me laugh so much, when I'm trying to write a dramatic story! Keep doing that, you keep me sane. Or insane?


	17. Chapter 17

When I come back from the town, a cadet is awaiting me in front of my shed. Did they really make that guy wait here until I came back?  
“Y-You are Taki-sama's Knight, right?”, the guy asks, looking up at me like I'm some sort of monster.  
“Yes”  
“Taki-sama asked me to tell you… to come to his room when you are back”, he says, probably imagining horrible images of what I might do to his precious Taki-sama. And honestly… is he really that wrong?  
“Thanks. I'll go”, I say and enter my shed, when I see the cadet doesn't move.  
“You can go back. Good work, boy”, I say and give him a little smile.  
He flinches and bows hectically, before running away, like he just escaped certain death.

Thats how I'm seen here.  
As a monster.

I take off my jacket and shirt. I smell.  
There isn't much luxury for soldiers. It's rare that we have time to shower properly. Forget about soaking in a hot bathtub for a while.  
I know Taki has a bathtub in his bathroom, but he never uses it.

I go into my little bathroom and take my washcloth, to at least wipe myself down a little before going to Taki's room.  
I wonder if he's feeling better yet. And I wonder, what it is, that he wants to talk to me about. It has to be something important, right? Otherwise he wouldn't call me to his room.

Once I deem myself clean enough – I'll shower when I get back, before going to bed – I grab a fresh shirt and leave my shed.  
It's warm, so I don't need my jacket.

I jog towards the main building, trying to pick out Taki's window from down here. I don't see anything though, so I go inside and quickly find the door to Taki's room.  
It's hard to miss – not only because it's so familiar to me by now – because Suguri is sitting on a chair in front of it.  
He's reading a newspaper with glasses sitting low on the bridge of his nose.  
Once he hears my footsteps he looks up and his frown turns into a glare.  
I raise my hands.  
“Hey, Taki asked for me to come here...” I say, before he can try and send me back.  
“I know. What took you so long?”, Suguri asks and growls at his newspaper.  
I stand there, unsure what to do now.

“Go inside. He's probably asleep, so don't wake him”

I quietly open the door and glance inside, when it hits me.

Suguri trusts me to go inside while Taki is sleeping? It… doesn't make sense, does it?  
If Taki wanted to tell me something, wouldn't Suguri tell me to wait until he wakes up?

I glance back at Suguri, who is still glaring at me.

He makes no move to stop me. So I slip into the room and close the door. I walk up to the bed slowly, taking in Taki's form.  
He's laying on his side, one arm reaching across the mattress to the bedside table. On it there is a glass of water with ice cubes floating in it.

He doesn't look like he's suffering. I'm glad.  
I sit on the edge of the mattress, careful not to disturb him and look at his face.

He looks a lot better than earlier today.  
The dark shadows under his eyes have faded a little and his pale face has regained some color.

I touch his forehead lightly. No fever. Instead of pulling my hand away, I let my fingertips brush his cheek.  
His skin is so soft; so warm.

I find myself smiling.

This is just like that night at Luckenwalde.

Back then I wasn't sure if my roommate just never ate when I was around, or didn't eat at all. I tried to keep an eye on him.  
His small body looked like it could use all the nutrition and energy available, but he didn't seem to be hungry, so I let him be.  
During training he didn't seem like he was having trouble.

He had told me, that he'd had the usual training, which turned out to be nothing but the truth. So it didn't surprise me to see him pull through training without problems.  
He was sore afterwards, but honestly, who wasn't.

The instructors were carefully treading on the line between “very strict” and “outright sadistic” to be honest.  
The only ones who weren't wheezing after training was over had either cheated when the instructors weren't looking, or had already gotten used to this level of exercise.

I myself was part of the latter group.

Taki seemed to be okay, so I figured, he got some food down when I wasn't around.

Oh how wrong I was.

One evening, when we all were at the canteen Hans, Paul and I were looking for a free table, when something clattered behind us.

At first I thought someone had just clumsily dropped their tray or something like that. But when I turned around to look, my blood ran cold.

Taki was barely holding onto the edge of a table, curling in on himself.

Paul was by his side, trying to help him up, but Taki just fell against him lifelessly. I abandoned my tray on the nearest table and knelt down next to them.

Taki's cheeks were hot, his lips pale. He had a fever, and somehow nobody had noticed.  
I asked Paul to inform the dorm manager, and picked up Taki to bring him back to our room.

He didn't wake up at all for the entire night and most of the following day.  
I fed him during that time.  
It's something I would have done for any comrade. It's something I'd done for comrades in the past, when I was put in charge of carrying the wounded men back to base.

If my choice was to let them die, or feed them by whatever means necessary, I'd always choose the latter.

So when Taki wasn't swallowing on his own, I bent down and fed him directly.

Only when I pulled away and licked my lips, I noticed a sweetness that I hadn't expected.

 

I sigh and brush Taki's hair from his face.  
He hasn't changed one bit, hasn't he?  
He's still the same shy kitten, suffering alone, in silence. Pushing himself on for what he feels is the right thing.

Sometimes I wonder what's going on in his head.  
So often, his decisions don't seem to make sense. But he's so convinced, and so certain of those decisions that I can't really doubt them.  
So what is his thought process?

 

But as always, he's so silent and withdrawn, never telling me anything of what's going on behind the covers.

The siren tears through the silence, and immediately Taki is awake and untangling himself from the blanket.  
I hold him back.  
“Klaus…!” he looks at me.

“We have to go”, he tries to free himself.  
“I'll go. You stay put”, I insist.  
“I'm fine, Klaus. I'm okay!”

I let him go and sigh.

He looks at me. Scared.

I feel anger boiling inside me. Why does he look at me like that?!

He lowers his head and gets up. He starts getting dressed, not looking at me.

“Klaus”, he starts “this child deserves a future”  
I'm ready to protest again, when I feel something holding me back.

I can't put my finger on it.

…

 

It's been over a month now.

Little by little we have been able to push back, or at least hold up against the Western Alliance. Their strategy is basically still the same.  
Just throw disposable troops into the battlefield to keep them busy.

I would know.  
The strategy they are employing is something that Hartmann isn't entirely happy with, as far as I could see.  
He is an advisor for the ministers, sitting right there in headquarters and drinking coffee with the people deciding the war.  
The documents I'm getting from him are mostly descriptions of troop movements.

I go into that shop whenever I can.  
The man Hartmann sent after me provides me with current newspapers as well.  
It's interesting how much of the articles is nothing but propaganda by now.

There are plenty of horror stories about Eurote's handling of POW, about the cruel methods of Taki's country and Taki himself.  
The oriental leaders send their men into war and force them to hold the front, despite the odds. With no regard to the losses on the battlefield. Not willing to give up, even if that means that they'll sacrifice the majority of the population!

That's rich, coming from the same people, who send men into the field, just as fodder to buy more time.

Hartmann is trying to get them to slow down, from what I can gather. His strategy is more focused on a quick victory.

So I guess, Taki needs to hold the front for as long as possible now, trying to minimize the losses, and prepare for the actual attack.

He himself understands this well, even without me mentioning anything. It's the immeasurable value of having studied western tactics at Luckenwalde.  
He's seen it in the text books. How thoughtlessly the Alliance and Eurote can just toss another bunch of soldiers into the field, compared to his own country.

Thanks to that he's keenly aware of the relative sizes and available resources of each country.

 

“Unit 5, don't retreat yet! Keep pushing! Unit 6, reinforce unit 5, hurry!”, Taki yells over the booming noise of the battlefield.  
Murakumo is right up behind the advancing battalion, targeting enemy vehicles before they can attempt to gang up on them.

I'm behind them, ready to rush ahead to clear the path if anything unexpected comes up.  
A whistling noise announces the approaching missile that's heading right towards Murakumo.  
“Klaus, fall back!”

Seconds of deafening noise, followed by static.  
“Taki?”  
“We are unhurt, keep pushing them back!”

“But units 4 and 5 have taken great damage…!”  
“We have to push them back, if we withdraw now, they'll win this confrontation!”  
“I'll join unit 4, Taki!”

I don't wait for his Okay and just rush ahead.

“Klaus!”  
“Keep going, Taki. I'll manage”

The entire frame of Murakumo trembles when it fires another round. Screams erupt among the thunder of gunshots and grenades exploding.

Fire consumes the ground.

I fall back, not to get caught in the inferno and go back to flanking Murakumo.  
Static roars in my ears.

“It moved”

For a moment I forget where I am, only catching myself when the bike swerves dangerously close to Murakumo's treads.

My heartbeat picks up it's pace, suddenly beating out of my chest.

The whistling of another missile forces me to focus on where I am, but I can't stop shaking.

Taki's voice sounded so surprised… as if he hadn't thought of it. At all.

“We almost have them, Taki! Focus! Unit 2 managed to push them further back in the south, they'll run out of steam soon, keep going!” I yell into the microphone.  
“I'm… I… yes…” finally. “Klaus, rejoin unit 4!”

“Yes, my Master”

 

Someone or something must be laughing their ass off up there in the heavens.

When the Alliance finally retreats I rush back to flank Murakumo until we are back at the base.  
The hatch opens and Taki climbs out, taking in a big gulp of air.  
“Taki”

He looks at me.

I reach up to him and when he takes my hand, I pull him into my arms, lowering him to the ground carefully.  
He doesn't move away from me, staring at the ground between us instead.

“Taki-sama!”

Taki flinches and looks up at me, before turning towards the others.  
“Recover our injured and fallen comrades. Those with minor injuries treat themselves and go back to help with those who were severely injured. Suguri, oversee the treatment please. Give me the exact numbers once everything is noted. I'm going back to the conference room. Major Uemura, Captain Amori and those in charge of our resources need to be briefed on today's outcome…”  
Suguri grabs Taki's shoulders and holds him in place.  
“Taki-sama, you need to rest, first and foremost. The full report on today's battle won't be ready for a while. So please go back inside, have some tea to calm yourself and be sure to eat something”

“I'll take him back”, I assure, earning a glare from Suguri.  
“The Grand Chamberlain will have everything prepared in the dining hall”, he says. _You are not needed here!_  
“That's good to know”, I reply and put my arm around Taki's waist, pulling him with me towards the residence's main building.

Taki follows wordlessly, staring ahead with an unreadable expression.  
“I can feel it… Klaus… it's moving...”

I stop.  
Nobody is here, right? I look around, before guiding Taki towards a wall, pressing his back against it. He looks up at me.  
I seriously can't read his expression right now.

My throat is dry.

Can I?  
 _Please?_

…?

I press my hand to his stomach as gently as possible.

I can't feel a thing.

“Taki...” I start, but he stops me, grabbing my hand and pressing it firmly on a certain spot, just below his bellybutton.

He stares at me now, eyes wide.  
 _Can you feel it?_

I can't.

Maybe it's due to the layers of fabric between my hand and his belly.

I pull my hand away from his belly and cradle his face in both hands.  
I glance around, just to be safe, before kissing him.

Taki's hands come up, holding onto my sleeves tensely at first. Slowly though, he melts into the kiss and the longer I taste him, the more I feel desperate and scared.  
I pull away to look at him.

Tears in his eyes. Cheeks dusted pink, lips moist and red… so fucking beautiful.

“Come on. That creep Hasebe is waiting”

I was very right with my remark. Hasebe is glaring daggers at me. I think he wants to kill me.  
I can't care about that right now though. Taki comes first.  
Taki always comes first.

“Taki-sama, please rest a little”, Hasebe says, pulling back an armchair for him.  
I am content where I am. Standing by his side.

“There is ginger-root tea for you. Would you like to have some lemon juice or sugar in it?”, a maid comes in with a service cart. There is a pot of fresh tea on it, along with all sorts of accompanying dishes.  
“I'll have some lemon, thank you”, Taki murmurs. The maid bows and places the delicate cup in front of him, pouring in the tea, before squeezing a few drops of lemon juice into the cup.  
“Thank you”, Taki says, picking up the teaspoon to stir the tea. “Could you please bring me some ice cubes?” he then asks and leans back into the armchair.  
“Of course, Taki-sama”, the maid says quickly and bows before hurrying back into the kitchen.

“Taki-sama, are you still feeling ill?”, Hasebe asks, furrowing his brows.  
Taki shakes his head slowly.  
“But Suguri said to let you chew ice cubes when you feel sick. Should I ask him to have a look at you later?”  
“No…” Taki's voice comes out like a weak groan.

I glare at Hasebe.  
Can't he let it be?

Suddenly the door opens and at first I think the maid fell against it, but instead it's Date; followed by Azusa and Moriya.

“Taki-sama!”, he calls and runs up to Taki, completely ignoring Hasebe and me.

Taki clutches the armrests of the armchair and looks at Date with a terrified expression.  
“Date, I told you… not to...” Azusa whimpers.

Date doesn't listen to his comrade, instead kneeling next to Taki.  
“I'm so happy!”, he starts excitedly, “I didn't understand at first, but Azusa explained to me. Your baby moved, didn't it?!”

I throw a quick glance at Azusa, who visibly regrets his choice to enlighten Date, before observing Taki's reaction to the outburst.

Taki's terrified expression changed into surprise. His tension melts away and he slumps back into the backrest with a fond expression on his face.  
“It's true?”, Date asks, gripping Taki's hand with both of his. I believe I can see tears welling up in his eyes actually.

Such devotion…

Azusa finally walks up to the table and smiles at Taki.

Even Hasebe seems to have forgotten his usual grumpy personality; looking flustered and moved. Something I never hoped to see, to be honest. It's creepy when a guy like him suddenly turns into a puppy.

Taki looks at Azusa.  
“It's true…” he murmurs and avoids my eyes.

Date throws himself at Taki.  
“Congratulations, Taki-sama! We are so happy!”, he sobs into Taki's shoulder.  
Moriya strides across the room and carefully removes their sobbing comrade from Taki.  
“Forgive him, Taki-sama”, he mutters stiffly.

Taki just smiles.

Azusa tenderly reaches out to Taki, placing his hand over Taki's.  
Taki turns towards him, and I can tell that they understand each other in a way, that nobody else in this room could.

Taki grabs Azusa's hand and squeezes it for a second.

I feel like I'm intruding.  
I feel someone's eyes on me though and I'm surprised to find Moriya turning his eyes away from me, just as I look at him.  
He knows, doesn't he…

 

The door opens again, and this time it is the maid with a small bowl holding ice cubes.  
She places the bowl on the table and throws unsure glances at Azusa, Date and Moriya.

Taki thanks her and remembers his tea.

With his free hand – not letting go of Azusa's – he picks up the cup and takes a careful sip.

The two only release each other's hands when Suguri enters the room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note: Oh my gosh, I'm so damn happy!  
> Azusa is so fluffy… And yes, Date is an idiot…
> 
> Thanks for reading, I hope you liked the chapter!


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note: I apologize for this chapter. For the contents of it.  
> But let's face it: Maiden Rose is not a gentle and sweet story, and neither is SaL.  
> It will get worse and better. I promise.  
> So here is my warning: This chapter contains some serious dub-con, if not non-con.

I'm back at the shop.

“Wanna have some?”, the old man offers a pack of cigarettes to me. I shake my head.  
“Nah, thanks. I quit”  
“You did?”  
I nod, looking back at the documents in my hand.

“That's news to me, that you suddenly start caring about your health”  
“I wonder what Hartmann told you about me, to be honest”, I mutter, turning to the next page. “Spare me though, I don't want to know”

Apparently, as surprising as that might sound, the Western Alliance is running out of resources. By no means does that mean, that they might lose due to that, but it's somewhat of a relief.

“So, what information do you have on their tactics?”, the old man asks while lighting a cigarette for himself.  
Very considerate; smoking in front of someone who quit smoking five months ago or so. It's almost been half a year since I came here, actually.

“Well… since their tactics are mostly on-the-spot-responses to the attacks, there isn't much _tactic_ happening to be honest”, I murmur into the papers.  
It's a lie.

Their home ministry has been contacted. Taki is trying to stock up on resources. Manpower, tanks and ammunition of all kinds, that are being saved for the final push.  
Their air force division also, is preparing for bigger attacks.  
They have been mostly supporting our division by doing reconnaissance from above, in regions where vehicles couldn't go.

“How are their forces holding up?”, the old man asks and coughs.  
“So-so. Reizen is doing all he can to not exhaust his resources, but for such a tiny country, that's easier said than done”  
Closer to the truth this time.

“I see. And you?”  
“What about me?”  
“How are you holding up?”  
I scoff.  
“Good enough. I basically just misbehave all the time, throw grenades into trenches and wag my tail around my Master”

The old man starts coughing again.  
“You don't mean it, right? You aren't being serious, are you?”

I shrug.  
“No comment”  
“Klaus, I hope you are aware of...” I interrupt him: “Shut up and let me read. My Master is waiting for me”

 

I return just in time for the next strategical meeting.

Taki is already waiting in the conference room, going through documents and telegrams from the ministry and other divisions.  
I keep my hands in my pockets, left hand feeling the pack of cigarettes I accepted in the end after all. When I left the old man's shop, I was itching for a smoke so badly.

I knock on the door frame.

Taki looks up and for a moment, he looks like he got caught doing something bad.

“Where have you been?”, he asks, voice perfectly under control.  
“In town, running some errands”, I answer with a smirk. He knows there's more that I'm not telling him about.  
“I see”, he murmurs and sighs.

Officers start pouring into the conference room.  
I stand at my usual spot, next to Taki's throne, even though he doesn't sit on it.

“Well, let us start with today's meeting”, Taki starts and gestures for Uemura to read out the report of the latest battle outcomes.

“There are too many casualties, Taki-sama. We won't be able to hold out much longer”, he adds afterwards.  
“I am aware of that, but unless we find a better solution we have no choice but to keep going”

“It's not like the Western Alliance has unlimited resources either”, I mention. I have to weigh my words carefully.  
This much of a hint shouldn't arouse any suspicion.

Uemura opens his mouth, ready to shut me up, but Taki turns towards me, eyebrows raised.  
“From what I know, having studied at Luckenwalde, their resources far exceed ours, though”, he murmurs.  
“That's true, but you yourself have been doubting their straight forward attack strategy, haven't you?”  
“My doubts are not enough to base our tactics upon”, Taki shakes his head and turns back to the people in the room.

“We must be ready in either case. Either to withstand a finishing strike, or to deliver the finishing blow ourselves. Either way, we cannot waste anything”, Taki clarifies and sighs.

“Taki-sama, why don't you sit down? You are exhausted”, the other captain – Amori, I think – says, looking at Taki with a concerned expression.

“I'm more comfortable standing, thank you”

“Katsuragi-dono has approved of our request, Taki-sama. We will be provided with further reinforcements, should need be”, a lieutenant mentions.  
“I see. We'll keep that in mind, but until all other options and resources have been exhausted, we will not rely on that”  
“But Taki-sama, if things don't change, we'll run out of… everything, to be honest, before the year ends. And warfare during winter… is even more cruel”  
“Indeed, Taki-sama!”  
“I am well aware of that. That doesn't change my stance though. We won't rely on Katsuragi-dono's reinforcements, unless we have no other option”

I cross my arms.  
Katsuragi. That name rings a bell.

I saw his picture back in Hartmann's office at Luckenwalde. A dangerous guy.  
I think I understand why Taki doesn't want to rely on him. Guys like him always expect something in return for such favors.

And Taki has nothing to spare for a guy like him.

“On another note, has the order for winter gear been delivered?” Taki asks, picking out another bunch of documents from the mess on the desk.

“Indeed, it has”, Uemura says.

 

After the meeting is over, and the others have been dismissed, Taki doesn't leave the conference room, and neither do I.

“Klaus… what you said earlier”, Taki starts, shifting uncomfortably from one foot to the other.  
“Are you ok, Taki?” He shakes his head.  
“Answer me, Klaus”  
I sigh.  
“Hartmann”

Taki looks at me and nods. Yes, he knows who that is.

“He advises the leaders. And I'm his favorite nephew”  
“He gave you information?”, Taki asks and takes a step back, suddenly afraid.  
I look at him.  
“Can we go to your room now?”, I ask.

He looks at me with concern.

He doesn't protest though when I start walking out of the room. He just follows and eventually takes the lead.  
Once we enter his room, loosens his tie, looking uncomfortable still.

I walk up to him, but he backs away.  
“Answer me”  
“I'm yours, Taki” He looks at me, ready to protest, but I cut him off, “you know I am”  
Taki lowers his gaze.

But he won't be mine. Right?

The search for a suitable husband has been put on hold, due to the war, but it's still going, isn't it?

“Undress, Taki”

Taki's furious gaze snaps up towards me and he takes another step back.  
“Now is not the time for…” he cuts himself off.  
“Now is the perfect time for that. Off with those clothes now, Taki”

When he still makes no move to undress I walk up to him and undress him myself.  
He stands frozen like a statue, watching me have my way.

But he doesn't struggle.

I pull away his tie, unbutton his jacket, unclasp the leather sash from his belt buckle and put it away.  
I sink to my knees to undo his belt.  
Only now does he seem to wake from his apathy, covering the belt buckle with both hands. I look up at is face.  
He turned his head to the side, avoiding my eyes. In the faint twilight I think I can see him blush.

Turned on already?

I press the heel of my hand into his crotch, earning a startled whimper.  
He' not as hard as I would have thought. But he's not fighting me off. I know he could.

I stand up again and cradle his face in my hand, making him look at me.

He avoids my eyes.  
Fine… have it your way, Master.  
I let go of his face and instead grab both his wrists with my right hand, holding them above his head against the wall.

He tries to turn his body away from me, so I press my knee between his legs.  
He whimpers, standing on tip-toes, so my knee doesn't press up into his groin. He has no where to run though.

“Klaus… please…” he whimpers, turning his face into his arm.  
“Please, what?”, I ask.  
He lowers his head, squeezing his eyes shut.

I unbuckle his belt… and pause for a moment. Didn't he buckle it at the last hole? I let go of his hands and hold the belt with both hands now.  
Indeed, he couldn't wear it as tight as usual.

Suddenly, I realize.

I pick him up and toss him onto the bed. I hold him in place with one hand and hastily undo his jacket and unbutton his shirt, before pulling down his pants.  
He tries to curl in on himself, but I won't let him, holding both his arms down and pushing my knee between his legs again.  
“Let me see”

He squeezes his eyes shut and bites his lip, not breathing.  
It's visible.

A small bump.

I let go of his arms and drag my hands down his chest to his belly. It's so small that I can cover it with both hands.  
But it feels so nice.

I feel him tense and shudder. Don't cry, Taki…  
I hold onto his hips and is it me, or did his hips grow slightly wider as well?  
I have neglected you, Taki…  
I bend down and kiss his navel, nip at the skin before moving to his chest.

“Klaus… please”, he whimpers softly, “you can't…”  
I push myself up, hovering above him with my hands trapping his torso beneath me.  
“I can, and I will, Taki”, I promise and bend down to kiss his lips.

He grabs onto my arms, hands shaking while I deepen the kiss. He's so damn sweet. How can he be so sweet, huh?  
So deliciously pure, hot like fire, yet soothing like a fresh, cold spring.  
He moans into the kiss breathlessly, arching his back beautifully. I slide my hand under his back and pull him up with me, to lay his head on his pillow.  
I break the kiss, holding him in place with both hands while sitting diagonally on the bed. I pull the jacket and shirt out from under his body and toss them off the bed. I then toe off my boots and kick them aside before climbing onto the bed, taking my sweet time to kiss Taki's body.

His thighs, his hips, his belly… I trace his sides with my hands and lips, placing open mouthed kisses right below his ribs.  
He winces and writhes weakly. His hands clutch my wrists as I move further up his body.

He's biting his lips, trying to keep quiet.

I look at him.

What a sad picture… I think to myself and pry his hands from my wrists, holding them down above his head with one hand.  
This is inconvenient, so I undo my own tie and quickly use it to bind Taki's wrists.  
He stares at me in shock, mouth open in protest; not a single word crosses his lips though.

I look at him again.

  
  


Cheeks flushed pink, lips trembling, eyes brimming with tears as always.

“Tell me to stop”

He turns his head away, squeezing his eyes shut and suppresses a sob.  
“Let it out, Taki”

He doesn't though.

I take a breath and shake my head.

This isn't enjoyable anymore… this is just… frustrating.  
But I'm in no mood to let him off the hook tonight.  
I bend down and take his nipple into my mouth, pinching it between my teeth.  
_Cry out, Taki, come on…_

He winces.  
I suck on the sensitive skin for good measure before releasing it. Finally, a soft cry.  
I pinch his other nipple with my fingers until it hardens.

I kiss up his sternum, his collar bones up to the mark.  
“Ahh… don't… please…” I nibble on his skin until I'm certain it'll leave a mark.  
When I pull away and look at him, his gaze is already dazed and unfocused.  
What was that again?

I run my fingers through his hair before grabbing a handful at the base of his nape, making him bare his neck for me.

He moans when I nibble on his jaw, kiss behind his ear, suck on his neck. He writhes beneath me, rolling his hips desperately.  
So easy.

I release his hair, dragging my hand down across his body until I reach his crotch.  
He winces.  
“No… please… not there…” he tries to close his legs, squeezing my thigh with his knees.  
“Why not, hm?”, I ask, holding onto his chin with my other hand, while reaching further down between his legs.  
“Open your eyes and look at me”

He lets out a pitiful whimper and squeezes his eyes shut. Refusing me still…

“Taki”  
I give him a warning before spreading his legs with both my hands, using the width of my body to hold them apart.

“Don't… please…”  
“Don't what? Don't look? Is it embarrassing to let me see how wet you are?”

He sobs and tries to hide his face with his arms.

Is it really that bad? To be seen like this by me?  
Me of all people?

He's the reason why I'm here!

He's the one who wanted me in the first place.

I won't let you forget that…

I hold down his hips and let saliva accumulate on my tongue, before taking all of him into my mouth.  
He moans. There we go, let out your voice, Taki. _Be honest._

I trace the underside of his member, feeling him tremble. His breath hitches as I nibble on the tip. Come on, Taki. Let it all out.

I pull off and deliberately breathe against his hot – and now wet – skin, just to make him shudder. I hide my face against the underside of his belly, nuzzling his hip bone before pulling away again to look at him.  
He's wet. Dripping wet.  
Come on, Taki. Be honest with me… I put my right arm around his left leg, holding it in place before reaching down with my left hand.  
He flinches and tries to sit up, tries to stop me, but I'm not letting him go tonight. I push his leg further up, exposing him more.  
“No… please… Klaus…” he stares at me.

I stare back for a few moments.

I push in.  
He winces, clenching around my index finger as it slides further inside him. Try as he might, he can't hide from me how wet he is.

I push up against his cervix, before curling my finger inside him.

His back arches and his mouth falls open in a silent cry. There we go. That's more honest.  
I pull out my finger and take a moment to marvel at the thick slick covering it, rubbing it between my fingers before pushing in my index and middle finger at once.  
I'm satisfied to hear Taki whimper at the loss of my fingers, and moan when I push them back inside.

I lean closer to his face, pushing his thigh up against his chest, my hand gripping the back of his knee.

I want to see his face when I make him come.

I add another finger, pushing up into his sweet spot with every thrust. The tie around his wrists came off, but he keeps his arms above his head, holding onto the pillow beneath his head desperately.  
“Come, Taki. Let me hear you” I murmur, kissing the inside of his thigh.  
He writhes so beautifully…

“No… Klaus… ah… don't...” I push four fingers up into his sweet spot now. He's spilling already, so tense, so close.  
So damn sweet.  
I push up again, letting go of his leg, to grab the back of his neck, angling his chin just so.  
I brush his lips with mine, before placing an open mouthed kiss on the mark.

Right there… he smells so good…

_Why do I feel anger coiling up in my gut…_

His orgasm pushes the thought away from my mind, filling my thoughts with his beautiful cries. While he still trembles, riding out his orgasm, I push up into his sweet spot a few more times, before pulling out my fingers.

He whimpers and pants weakly, curling in on himself, now that I pulled away. I look at him.  
After only a few seconds, he's absolutely silent again.

I'm itching for a cigarette.

I pull my tie away from his wrists, loosely putting it back around my neck.

Nobody should be up at this hour anymore.

I glance back at his still form, before leaving the room.

I walk back to my shed and slam the door shut as I enter. I start undressing on the way to the shower. I don't care about my clothes right now, I don't care about anything.  
I feel dirty and disgusted. Too fucking angry at everything.

Why can't he just say 'No' if he doesn't want any of this?  
Why doesn't he fight me off?

He's not in heat, so why?  
He clearly doesn't like it, right? He keeps weeping, hiding his face from me, he doesn't even look at me. Yet he never tells me to stop.

Why does he keep refusing me though?  
For his perfect husband? Whoever that might be… and isn't it way too late for that now anyways?

I'm here because he wanted me.

What does he think I'm doing here?

What AM I doing here?

I wipe some water from my face. Sweet… like salted caramel, sharp but soothing. Like candy given to a crying child.

His scent lingers on my hand even after I washed it.  
Fuck…

How can I feel like I haven't seen him in months when I just held him, when he just came from my hand…

 

Later that week, Suguri's eerie twin brother showed up to provide Taki with a new uniform that's more fitting for him. It's basically the same cut as before, just a bit wider.  
He's not meant to wear the uniform for long though. Once he's nine months along he won't be allowed to leave the imperial court.  
He'll be wearing a maternity kimono at that place.  
And _hopefully_ he'll have an appropriate Alpha by his side by then.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note: Again, I'm very sorry.
> 
> Also, there is a small joke at the beginning, when Klaus says: “I basically just misbehave all the time, throw grenades into trenches and wag my tail around my Master”  
> It's a play on words, because tail in German = Schwanz  
> And Schwanz is a euphemism for male anatomy. So basically Klaus made a dick-joke. Very laughing. Much ha ha ha.
> 
> Thank you for reading and I hope you liked this chapter even a little. If you did, let me know, and if you didn't, let me know about that too^^


	19. Chapter 19

Again I'm holding him down. Pressing my fingers into his soft thighs, leaving white marks that slowly turn red once I let go.  
He rolls his hips, arching his back as he whimpers, taking my fingers with no resistance whatsoever. He's dripping wet.

“Please… ah… Klaus… stop…”

He writhes, clutching my wrist in a desperate attempt to stop me from making him come. Because it'll expose his true colors, because he wants it so bad.  
And he just can't be honest about it.

I let go of his thigh and grab his wrist instead, not allowing him to interfere.  
“Come on, Taki. Cry out”  
He groans and writhes into my thrusts.  
“No… Klaus… Aaah…!” His legs tremble and his muscles clench, but I pull out my fingers. His body relaxes, except for the trembling of his legs.  
He opens his eyes and looks at me, with an unsure, nervous expression.

Won't I make him come?

I look back at him.  
Oh yes I will.

I sit back on my heels and unzip my pants, enjoying the look of anticipation on Taki's face. The look of fear in his wide eyes, paired with his red cheeks as he bites his lower lip.  
I stroke myself with my wet hand, smearing Taki's slick on my cock.

It's okay, I'll be gentle. I won't hurt him.

I prepared you well, Taki…

He cries out, arching his back so beautifully when I push in. He clenches around me and whimpers, trying to free his wrists from my grasp, but I won't let him go.  
“It… Klaus… it hurts...”  
“Relax, Taki”, I breathe. I lower my head, hiding my face against his neck, nibbling on the skin. I can feel him clench and relax, trying to get used my thick length.  
“Come on, Taki. Relax”

He wails, grimacing in discomfort when I try to move.

I stop and release his wrists, running my fingers through his hair instead, while holding myself up on my elbow.  
He's so damn tight. And so hot.  
I breathe into his neck, placing open mouthed kisses along his throat to calm myself and help him relax. So damn sweet, that scent of his…

He's trembling.

He's taking shallow breaths, shuddering as I kiss his neck, and slowly I feel him relax around me.  
I push myself up a little to look down at him.  
He's crying.

He's so beautiful.

I cradle his face with one hand, holding onto his chin before leaning down to kiss him. He's so sweet, so delicious. I roll my hips slowly, pulling out slightly, before pushing back in. He moans into the kiss, hands coming up to clutch my shoulders.

He's so tight and so wet, heat squeezing me… so good…  
I give a careful thrust, with a little more power this time and he breaks the kiss. He cries out softly, more tears rolling down the sides of his face.  
A deep growl forms in the back of my throat. He's feeling it, huh… He's feeling it so much… clinging to me so desperately.

I pull out and thrust in again, making him cry out again.  
And again.

He crosses his arms over his face, muffling his voice.

Don't you dare…

I grab his wrists, holding them down above his head before thrusting in harder. He clenches his teeth, more tears welling up in his eyes.  
Come on, Taki…  
I hold onto his wrists with one hand, reaching down to hold onto his hip with the other.

When I thrust again he arches his back, finally crying out for real, shuddering and trembling. There we go. That's the spot.

I thrust again, feeling him clench around me, and it feels so damn good.  
I thrust again… again… harder, faster, deeper… come on, Taki… come… please…

His mouth falls open in a silent scream when he suddenly starts contracting, clenching around me.  
I thrust in again as he clenches, drawing a loud moan from him and let go of his wrists, wiping away the tears that spill from his eyes. He's so beautiful, so sweet, but I can't shake off the feeling of dread, of disgust and anger…

He leans his face into my hand, whimpering as I keep thrusting into him, flinching and wincing when suddenly the shrill sound of the siren pierces the air.  
Fuck, there goes my satisfaction.

For a few seconds Taki stares at the ceiling, before pushing himself up on his elbows.  
“Move, Klaus”, he groans and tries to push me back by my shoulder. I'm not moving though. I'm furious.

Outside people start running back and forth, shouting commands and questions at each other.

“Taki-sama!”  
“I'm coming out in a minute, I just got up!”, Taki quickly calls, panic written over his face.  
I am so tempted to just hold him down and have my way, just keep going till I come, even if his lackeys come in to stop me.

But I pull out and get up.

It's infuriating how he brushes me off, hiding me like the dirty secret that I am. What will his dear chamberlain say when I leave the room after Taki, I wonder…

Taki is up on his feet and dressed within a few minutes.

Moments later he's climbing up into Murakumo.

Within the hour he's shouting out commands, ordering his men to keep pushing. Keep fighting, keep forcing them back, don't let them advance.

“Klaus, move ahead, tell the 3rd unit to fall back and snuff out the enemy!”  
“I'm on it, Master”, I grunt as I swerve to avoid a detonation in front of me. Taki's voice dissolves into static, but I believe I can hear him scoff.

I move ahead as he told me, getting an overview of the situation. Taki's men are doing good work following his commands.  
“Captain Klaus von Wolfstadt speaking”, I call, using the general channel, “Unit 3 fall back! I'm gonna tear this area to shreds!” I yell over the noise as I rush past them.  
“Captain…!”

I'm way past them before their voices can reach me anymore, static taking over.

As I approach the Alliance soldiers I hear more familiar voices, calling my name accusingly. It's over. Way in the past!  
You won't drag me back!

They try to take aim, but I won't let them, trowing grenades into their stunned faces before anything can reach Murakumo.  
“It's over!”

 

As the sun rises, the enemy position is entirely destroyed. It's another real victory for Taki's division after a long period of questionable ties or even losses.  
I return to Murakumo's side, passing through the field, glancing at trenches left and right, filled to the brim with fucked up corpses.

Great way to start into the day, isn't it…

When I finally make it back to Murakumo, Uemura is greeting me with an angry reprimand. Good morning to you too, asshole.  
“Where have you been?! You are supposed to report back to the division commander as soon as-” Taki cuts him off.  
“It's fine”  
I get off the bike and stand next to the tank.

He climbs out, holding onto the hatchet.  
I reach up to him.  
“Klaus was carrying out an order”, Taki says, finally shutting up the major for good.  
“Your hand”, he orders and holds out his hand, not even looking at me when I grab it, before he leaps to the ground.  
He's gotten heavier, I notice yet again, taking a short moment to grip his waist a little tighter.  
“How's your body?”  
He slaps my hands away as soon as he's on his feet and turns away.

 

I still follow him though, holding onto his sword and coat as we walk to the conference room, where captain Amori already prepared today's report.  
I stand behind him, leaning over his shoulder as he reads the report of today's battle outcome. His mood is horrible.

He leans back in his chair.  
“25 injured… thats a lot”, he murmurs. Amori responds quickly.  
“We need reinforcements. I'm not sure how many we can ask for though”  
“There are no deaths...” Taki notes and for a moment it looks like he relaxes a little. He quickly puts on the perfect, cold mask of 'commander' again and gets up.  
“Klaus, my coat”, he asks, holding out his arms for the coat and I put it on him, pretending to be just a loyal, disposable guard dog.  
“But, Taki-sama? Where are you going?”, asks Uemura. Where _would_ he go after reading that report.  
“What about you tea?”, asks Hasebe.  
“And my sword”, Taki adds, gesturing for Hasebe to get lost, with a polite “I'll be fine. Please take a break, everyone”

“To the infirmary?”, I ask, handing Taki his sword. He doesn't answer me; doesn't even look at me. Should he of all people really be going there…? His grim expression won't do any good, and seeing the injured soldiers won't brighten his mood either.  
But that's his job, right?  
Petting their heads and telling them “well done” even if they fucked up and got hurt because of that.

“Is that really a place you should be going?”, I ask, reaching out to pull him back by the shoulder, but he turns and slaps my hand away again.  
“Don't follow me”

I stop and stare at his back for a few seconds, before turning back and walking to my shed.

Is he done? Finally ready to cut the cord and kick me out?

Is the perfect husband among the injured?

I turn on my heel and walk to the infirmary.  
I know he told me not to go there, but I don't care what he tells me right now. I am his Knight, his mate, his alpha.

And he's pregnant with my child. I dare anyone to try and keep me away from Taki.

I stand under the window, from where I can hear Taki's voice.  
“My blood froze when I saw your name on the list of casualties”

I almost laugh out loud. Isn't he a charmer? Who is he talking to?  
“I screwed up”, says the injured soldier. His voice is that of an old man, and right now, I really want to go in there and drag Taki out of there and back to my shed; or better, his own room, but the wounded man starts talking again.  
“Compared to the others my injuries are no big deal”  
What did he do? Cut his pinky on a piece of paper? What the hell is Taki doing, fawning over that old asshole…?  
“You shouldn't worry about _one_ soldier so much”

There is a pause.  
“But… a sword-smith's hands … are his life… !”

Does that really hurt him so much?

“Such is war. I'd rather suffer this, than see our country loose”, the smith says. My rage somehow subsided a little. He talks to Taki more like a parent. He's like an older version of Suguri. I find myself almost smiling at that thought.  
“Still!”, Taki raises his voice slightly, “… all the _more_ reason!”

I frown and cross my ankles. Such passion for a wounded sword-smith.

“Ah… Captain?” A nurse noticed me and comes closer, concerned expression on her face.  
“What are you doing here?”  
I shut her up with a smile and press my finger to my lips.

Before she's gone away I hear the sword-smith's voice again.  
“You shouldn't cry, Taki-sama”

I lower my hand slowly, fake smile gone…

Is he crying?  
Why is he crying. Why weeping for the hands of a random sword-smith?  
Then again, hadn't he been crying for lesser reasons at Luckenwalde too?

“You must suppress those emotions”, the old man says like a preaching grandpa, “You are a person of high standing”

I don't know how to feel. A part of me wishes that I'd listened to Taki and hadn't heard this. But the other part inside me wants to go in there and… I don't know what.

Back then, at Luckenwalde Taki would always hide or run away when he cried. Soaking in a downpour to hide his tears among the raindrops.  
I followed him often, just because Hartmann would kick my ass if anything happened to Taki because I didn't look after him properly.  
It was my mission to protect him after all.

“You mustn't cry”

And yet… he cried so much.

It feels wrong. All sorts of wrong. It feels just bad. So insulting and meaningful at the same time.

I turn towards the exit when I hear his steps approach.  
He flinches when he sees me, looking flustered for a second, like I caught him red-handed. I stare at him.  
I can see the wetness on his cheeks.

He turns his face away from me and gives me the cold shoulder.  
“Haven't I told you not to come here?”

It's not like you'd punish me for it.

“Taki”, I say, composing my voice “we're going to your room”

It's not like you'd call for help either.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note: I'm sorry for the long wait. I got sick and was kinda out of it, so I didn't think much about SaL, and didn't even think of writing.
> 
> As you may have noticed, SaL caught up to the first chapter of the actual manga. It will continue to follow the events that happen in the manga for the most part, adjusted to fit the narrative of SaL.  
> Thank you to all my readers for being so patient with me!


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note: I know you all probably know what'll happen in this chapter after reading the last one. But just to be sure, here is a warning. This chapter contains sexual violence.

Isn't it amazing to see how Taki goes from perfect commander to blushing virgin?  
He opens his door and for a second I believe he contemplates shutting the door in my face, but when I put my hand on it, he backs away like a cornered animal. Will he lash out?  
Of course not. I enter after him and close the door silently.  
When I turn to look at him, he flinches.

He stumbles back into his room, backing away from me as I come closer. He's holding up his hands in a weak excuse for a defensive stance.  
Once the back of his knee hits the bed frame, his hands drop as though he's given up.  
That's why he won't call for help.

I cross the distance between him and myself. He staggers before my arms wrap around him and pull him tightly against myself.  
He tenses up and lowers his head. His forehead presses against my chest, his hair tickles my chin.  
For a few moments, I just stay as I am, holding him against myself.

“Let me go”

I can't. I don't want to. I won't.  
I put my arm around his waist, grab his hair gently and make him look up at me. His eyes are swimming with unshed tears.  
I want to believe that it's just his fear, that he's just too young to deal with it all. With the war, with the fate of his land, everyone's expectations and rules. That it's not me.

That I can still be by his side, protecting him somehow.

I kiss him, lick into his mouth, taste him fully. A faint hint of salt lingers on his tongue, while his sweet scent makes my head spin.  
With one hand I hold him close, with the other hand I undo his tie and unbutton his shirt. I want to see him, feel him, taste him while I still can.

He clings to my sleeves with both hands and tries to pull away, but I won't let him. He staggers and looses his balance. With his arms he tries to catch himself, but ends up breaking something.  
He falls onto the bed and I push him down into the mattress, kissing him still.  
I only faintly heard the crash of glass on the carpet, drinking in his faint gasps eagerly instead.

“Did something happen, Taki-sama?”  
Desperate hands pushing at my shoulders, pulling at my shirt.

 

“I heard a crash just now…” Silence. Taki's protest becomes more urgent. I hold onto his wrists.  
“Taki-sama?”  
He tries to kick his legs, tries to fight me off, but I won't let him. I clutch the fabric of his trousers and hold his leg in place.

“Taki-sama...?!”

He breaks free. His lips are still wet with our saliva.  
I can feel his pulse through his skin.  
“It's nothing!”

I wonder if the tremor in his voice is audible through the door.  
“I just stumbled… and broke a glass”, he lies.

“Shall I send for the maid?”

“No. I'm going to bed”  
What a perfect little liar, hm?  
“You should rest as well”

A pause.  
“Understood… please have a good rest” fading footsteps. Labored breathing, like he just outran death itself.

For a moment, the uncalm silence remains. He glares at me, silent still.

“He's gone”, I assure him. “Shouldn't you have called for help?”

His glare remains, as does his silence.  
It's painful.

“Or would it have been too humiliating to be seen like this?”

He still doesn't say a damn word! He only glares at me with this hurt expression, hateful even, but he won't say a thing.  
I tighten my grip on his wrists, pressing my fingers into his skin. He gasps at the pain and tilts his head back, trying to hide his face against his sleeve, but he won't say a thing.

“Say it hurts - _Verdammt nochmal_ ”

He keeps clenching his teeth, eyes shut, face turned away from me.

“Say it. Tell me to stop”, I insist, pressing my knee between his legs, uncovering his chest from his shirt and rub his hard nipple.

“Say it, or else I'll keep touching you here…” I bend down and lick his nipple, biting down softly.  
“…and here…” I run my hand down his side before cupping the bump of his belly.  
“… until all of you belongs to me alone”

I release his nipple and sit up. This is his chance. Say no. Say you hate me. Run. Push me away and run.  
But instead of running he stays put, staring at me while I unbutton my shirt and undo my tie. I bind his wrists above his head before shrugging off my shirt and throwing it aside.  
He's flushed, looking panicked when I bend down over him again.  
I undo the button on his trousers and pull down the zipper, pull down his pants and underwear in one go, throwing both aside as well.

He's hard already.

So easy. So fucking easy, isn't he?  
Is that all I am to you? A good fuck and a dirty secret? (Lets ignore the fact that pretty much everyone here knows anyways)  
It hurts you know?

But fine, have it your way, Master.  
I scoot down so I'm between his legs and play with him. The muscles over his stomach tense up as he reacts, his legs press into my flanks as he tries to close his legs, push me away, his face twists in discomfort, but no sound passes his lips.

Fine, you are the Master after all, aren't you… Lord Reizen.

I keep my eyes on him, watching him. I have a sour taste on my tongue.

I keep playing with him. He's getting wetter and wetter, clear drops running down his shaft and over my fingers.

“Heh… overflowing this much already”, I murmur and bend down further, reaching up with my right hand, grabbing his chin to make him look at me.  
“Were you playing hard-to-get or what?”, I ask, but he refuses to look at me.

I bring my face down between his legs and have a taste. Sweet as ever… yet sour, still.  
I take him further into my mouth, teasing him with my tongue, while I reach down with my hand, while the other holds onto his hip, keeping him in place.

When I push in a finger I feel wetness and heat.

“Ah… Klaus…!”, he gasps, “Don't...”

I hold him down and put more pressure on him, while my finger slides deeper into him with surprising ease.  
I pull back and look at him. How his muscles clench around my finger as I pull it out; how his hole twitches when I spread his cheeks.  
Slick trickles down from his entrance, smeared between his cheeks from my fingers.  
I bring those fingers up to my lips.

I rest my cheek against his thigh and inhale his scent for a moment. A sense of loss overcomes me. So I hold onto his hip stronger and push my finger back inside him as far as it'll go.  
He lets out a suppressed cry and clenches. Nevertheless his insides are hot and soft, wrapping around my finger tightly.  
I thrust my finger into him a few times, making him moan and cry.

Every cry feels wrong, every moan hurts my ears.

I pull out my finger and grab him by the shoulder, turning him around so he's on his elbows and knees.  
As his wrists are still tied, he can't push himself up unless I let him.  
I open my pants and pull down my underwear just enough to take out my dick and rest it between his ass cheeks.  
He muffles his whimpers, pressing his face into his sleeves. I look at his back, the smooth curve of his spine, the delicate contours of his shoulder blades and I feel weirdly nostalgic.  
I remember our room.

I remember his moans and cries, how he begged me so desperately; how he bit me because couldn't help himself, because he was feeling it so much.

The memory makes my cheeks grow hot and my dick harder.  
I hold him down, my hand clutching the hair at his nape and listen to his pitiful sobs. Say no, Taki. Say no, just say it.  
Say you hate me, say it was all a mistake, say you hate it. Don't just cry like that and stop me.

I align my tip with his entrance and push in.

His sobs turn into muted cries as he presses back against me, both resisting and inviting me.

“… give in already”, I growl.  
I bend over and press my chest into his back.

My hand goes from his nape to his jaw, brushing the mark with my fingertips. I hold onto his chin and make him raise his head. He's clenching his teeth, holding back his cries while I keep pushing deeper into him.  
I'm buried to the hilt, but I keep pushing.

 

“Give in and let me hear you cry”, I breathe into his hair while my fingers find his lips, pushing past them and pressing down on his tongue.  
“Cry out like you mean it… and I'll let you off the hook”

Pain shoots up my arm and I pull back my hand. Pain is pulsing in my finger and I see he bit me as hard as he could.

“As if I would!”, he spits back at me.

Despite everything I find myself laughing without a hint of humor.  
“Aren't you obstinate, huh…” I scoff.

He looks at me with hurt and contempt before closing his eyes.

I loosen the tie around his wrists and pull his hands towards me, twisting his arms behind his back, pull out and push in harder.

 

Hours later I'm at the old man's shop again.

I had to get away from the residence, where every single person hates me. It's a miracle that nobody stabbed me in the back yet.  
I thought if I filled my head with tactics and western politics, I could somehow forget.

But the thought keeps dancing through my mind no matter what I do.

The sense of loss, the nostalgia tearing at my chest keeps welling up more and more. Every new move from the Alliance reminds me of the fact, that Taki will have to counter it. Every new piece of information makes me wonder, how it would influence Taki's decisions.  
The outcome of the war.  
The outcome of… the not-war.

“What's the press' stance towards this tactic? I mean, public opinion _has_ to shift sooner or later, no?”, I ask, nose still buried between pages of Alliance-intel.  
“Right, I have last week's papers here. You haven't been here for a while. How're you holding up?”, the old man asks, as he bends down to rummage behind his counter.

I'm about to answer, when I hear a child's voice shouting my name. But not at me, that's clear. My name is accompanied by a flurry of quickly spoken language, tinted with naive conviction and insistence.

“Don't call him -sama!”, yells another child. I pretend like I'm not noticing them, but do spy at them from the corner of my eye.

“Sieht aus als wären Sie Thema so mancher Kontroverse hier”, the old man says, making sure none of the children understand him.  
“It's not like I understand any of what they're saying”, I say. Even though I don't understand those kids, as they speak way too fast for me to pick out separate words, I'm pretty sure they'd pick up on it, if I switched languages now. Especially since I seem to be the topic of their conversation.

I pick out slurs of me, being dangerous, a brute and generally suspicious; that I have no manners and I'm uncivilized, that even untrained dogs behave better than me…

“Shut up!”, yells one of the kids, and I start to get a slight thumping in my temples.

“Here. Last week's papers”, the old man says and places a large messenger bag on the counter. It's filled to the brim with newspapers and documents.  
I really should have come in sooner. It'll be a fucking pain to go through all these papers in one sitting.

I can't keep anything in my room for too long, I can't risk anything getting out.

Though I have a feeling, that Taki may be aware of my secret mission. At the thought of him, I can't stop a smile from creeping up on my lips.  
“Thanks man”, I murmur and pull the bag towards myself.

The voices of those children is still ringing in my ears, and something tells me, that it's not just due to their high and loud pitch.

“Kids got into battle at that age here?”, I ask, leaning my elbow on the counter.  
“The children of the military officers, yes”, the old man says. I rest my heavy head in my hand. The thumping in my temples has grown stronger.  
There is a sense of unease, tossing and turning in my gut like a restless animal, unable to sleep in any position it takes.

“I was 13 when I went on my first campaign”, the old man murmurs, “although I mostly just ran errands and such.”  
I nod once.  
Yeah. I wasn't much older when I started getting into military business. I wasn't doing any fighting. I was learning to become a pilot.  
I remember mother's strict voice, explaining to me how to handle a plane properly, how to survive up in the air, and most importantly, how to start and land safely.  
It's something I learned early.  
Staying in the air wasn't that difficult. But getting there sure was.  
And getting down was even harder.

But as I said, I wasn't anywhere near the battlefield.  
“It's sure a strange country”, I murmur, half lost in thought. I remember thinking the same thing back when I first learned about it's political and military system.  
Before I met Taki at Luckenwalde.

“Each division acts as an independent strategic unit, with one jurisdiction”, I recite. Hartman had forced me to hammer all of it into my brain within weeks before putting me on the mission of protecting and befriending the oriental prince.

How naive it sounds to me now, to call Taki a mere prince.

“The feudal lord acts as division commander, and the soldiers are his subjects. Just like our Dark Ages”, I continue. My hand curls into a fist and I clench it, as I rest my chin against my knuckles.  
It's this thing, this unease again.

The thing that irks me so much about this country, about it's culture and people – Taki included…

“They'd do anything to advance in the war”, I murmur into my clenched fist. “The value of things is determined by their purpose in the warfare. Beauty itself holds no value anymore and is thus trampled underfoot, and whatever of it remains intact, is thoughtlessly consumed and killed”  
The image of Taki flashes before my eyes. The deep maroon color of his robes in stark contrast with his cream-white skin and the black veil of his hair… like a porcelain doll, clothed in blood.

A hand-made treasure to be admired, forced to bathe in the blood of his enemies, forced to still remain as perfect and unblemished as it was made.  
A doll. Not a human.  
“...you keep saying tha _AAT!!_ ”, the yell interrupts my thoughts, and my eyes snap to the side of the shop, where the kids' quarrel has apparently gotten out of hand.  
One of the boys is sitting on his ass, while the other two look down on him accusingly.

“Take your squabble outside, will you!?”, the old man barks and the three boys flinch visibly. Two of them take off running, leaving their friend behind.  
Some great comrades they are.

I grab my bag off the counter and give a quick nod to the old man as goodbye for today.  
I then kneel next to the boy.

“Can you stand?”, I ask.  
He looks at me with wide, disbelieving eyes, as if he'd just seen the most miraculous thing ever.  
I repeat my question, and this time he responds.  
“Ah, yes!”, he says and quickly gets up on his feet, looking at me stiffly. I stand up and turn to leave.  
“Should I give you a ride back to HQ?”, I ask.  
His eyes widen again.  
“You'd do that?”, he asks and follows me as I leave the shop.  
“Yeah. Why wouldn't I?”, I say and toss the messenger bag into the sidecar. Even though I didn't bring the radio, there isn't enough space for him to sit.  
He seems to see this as well, and lowers his head in disappointment while I straddle the bike.  
“Hop on”, I say and pat the back of the seat. He looks at me.  
“Just be sure to hold on tight”, I say and put on my goggles.  
He seems to be doubting his senses until the last moment, while he climbs up onto the back of the bike.  
Tenderly, he places his hands on my shoulders.  
“Get a grip, boy. You'll fall off the moment we move”, I say and place my hand over his, curling his fingers into the fabric of my jacket.

Finally he holds onto me strong enough that I trust him not to fall off once I start the bike.

Once we take off, his grasp tightens, and he tensely holds onto me, until he gets a feel for the bike's movement and speed.

We rush back to the compound, following the train tracks, as they are the quickest and safest route to take.  
The afternoon glow has transitioned into cool twilight.  
Further down the tracks I can see the rear lights of a train. A passenger train, I suppose. One of the few lines that still go from the town to the compound and beyond.

As we pass it, the boy behind me lets go of one of my shoulders and my instinct is to grab him before he can fall, but he quickly grabs my jacket again, calling out to somebody on the train.

“You can talk to them when we're back, kid!”, I yell over the noise of the train and the motorcycle.

He clutches my jacket even tighter for a moment.  
“Ah!”  
I throw him a glance from the corner of my eye. What was that?  
“You understand me?”, he suddenly yells and clenches my shoulders.  
“Of course”, I deadpan. Didn't he listen to me earlier? Didn't I talk to him already? Was he stupid?  
“But didn't you just come here recently?”, he asks, practically speaking into my ear so he doesn't have to shout.  
“Half a year ago, that's plenty of time!”, I reply, still raising my voice a little.

He doesn't reply, staying where he is, with his face right next to my ear. I wonder what he's thinking about.

His fingers dig into my shoulders as he clenches my jacket again, firmer this time.  
“Why...” he starts. His voice sounds surprisingly strained, I notice. I throw a glance back at him.  
“Why does everyone say such… despicable things about you?”, he looks genuinely sad. It's… strange.  
“Don't you risk your life, just like all the other soldiers for the sake of Taki-sama and our country?”

I do. I sure do. And yet, this (possibly stupid) kid is the only one who seems to appreciate my efforts and sacrifices.  
That's a lie, I know.  
But right now, that's how I feel.

Like every single person in this country hates me. And yet, I'm still here.  
So what does it matter.

“I don't really care”, I say, looking straight ahead. “I just do what I want to do”

He finally stops clutching my shoulders, and just when I think he'll finally straighten up again, he practically squeals into my ear “That's so amazing!”

I feel the pressure increase on my temples. Goodness…  
“You really are a bit stupid, huh”, I murmur to myself. When he asks me if I said anything, I deny it.  
He remains silent.

Only the constant roar of the bike is left in my ears. I feel like I can take a calm breath for once again, but as I draw air into my lungs, I feel something tremble in my gut.

The boy notices it too.  
“A rumble?”, he says nervously.  
I throw a quick glance over my shoulder. Indeed, far off in the distance, a golden halo is spreading up from the ground – and the sun has already set by now.

“What is that?”, the boy asks.  
An attack, idiot.

Fuck…  
I never have the radio with me when I need it.  
But damn, I didn't want Taki to call me back when I was out in town. I couldn't think of facing him again, after leaving him in that bedroom.

“Hold on tight!”, I bellow and as soon as the boy's grip tightens I turn the bike around to rush to the front line.  
If possible, I'll join the battle. But if not, I'll just try to keep the kid safe – goddamn, I have a kid with me. Fuck, how am I supposed to do any fighting like this?!

This is why Taki's insistence on going into battle infuriates me so much!  
I could possibly leave the kid alone here, where no enemies are near, so he'd have some chance of survival, and pick him up once the fight is over. But Taki doesn't have that option!  
I know he's the most protected individual on the battlefield, I know all of his crewmen would rather die themselves than let harm come to Taki, but goddamn, that's still a risk I don't want him to take.

Nobody can save him, if a missile strikes Murakumo's weak spot.

I know he's moving out right now. I know he's commanding the battlefield, I know he's out there. I don't need the radio to hear him calling.  
But I need the radio to know where he is! And I don't have my radio with me, goddamn.

Planes rush past our heads, and to my surprise the boy understands that this is a raid. Maybe he isn't hopeless after all.

I reach into the sidecar and pull out my spare gun.  
“Kid, we're hitting the front line!”, I say, looking at him briefly.  
“Roger!”, he says and gives me a determined nod.  
“Good answer. Keep it up, Kid”, I say and hand him the gun, handle first. He grabs it.  
Something about him reminds me of my nephew, Reiner. His eyes, so big and earnest. And way too young. He's about the age of my niece, Maria. Maybe a bit older...  
My heart clenches.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note: Phew… You won't believe me how damn hard it was to write this chapter.  
> Klaus' mind is a… uhm… dangerous? Interesting? Complicated? Fragile… place. I really hope I managed to get this right – especially since you can basically cross-check with the manga…  
> Obviously I added and left out some parts… but still.  
> It was really challenging (especially for a little harmless girl like me _coughs_ )
> 
> Translation:  
> There was some cursing, but I think that's obvious and doesn't need a translation.  
> Sieht aus als wären Sie Thema so mancher Kontroverse hier – Looks like you're the topic of quite some controversy here


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note: This chapter is probably the darkest and most painful chapter yet.  
> It is written from Taki's POV and it contains graphic descriptions of rape. As the author, and as a person, I want you to only read this chapter, if you can really handle it. The scene starts about halfway into the chapter, so you can read some of the chapter, even if you don't feel like you can handle the later scenes.  
> I know, most of us have read the manga, and we know how this goes, but the manga leans more towards Klaus' POV in this scene, and it's not as focused on the internal feelings of the characters. Especially not Taki's.  
> It was very hard to write this chapter. I cried.  
> So please, be careful with this.

It's nothing new. Same old nausea, same old sour taste in the back of my throat. Murakumo shakes and rumbles as we advance, the vibrations piercing my body in a way that I'm used to.  
The terrified little being within me… it's weight, it's movements… are nothing new.

Ever since I started to feel it's movements, I've gotten used to them.  
I'm afraid I'll feel empty once it's… not inside my body anymore.

I press one hand against Murakumo's hull when a missile hits the ground right besides his treads. Azusa throws me a quick glance.  
He's listening for channel 307, but nothing comes in.

I cannot worry about him now, even though I feel like a rock is stuck in my gut, it's rough edges cutting into my insides.  
I must believe that Klaus and Haruki will make it.

Our tactic is very risky. We must push back the enemy, we mustn't allow them to gain on us, or else our resources will be wasted and thus our position weakened further.  
We must push through his!  
I know General Asakura doesn't really trust in my division's strength, that he's ready to change the strategy, but that won't be necessary!  
I will win this battle!

I feel a kick to the stomach and suppress the urge to curl in on myself. I cannot let myself be distracted now!  
I stare out into the smoke filled battlefield; one explosion after the other, flashes blinding my eyes and flames erupting from the ground. And even if I can't see it… blood everywhere.

“Suguri, aim at 11o'clock, 800 meters!”  
Blood everywhere.

“FIRE!”

I steer Murakumo forward, scanning for more targets.  
My strategy is different from usual. I cannot count on Klaus right now, to snuff out smaller targets. I must count on his instinct to keep himself and Haruki alive.  
For that to succeed, I must push back the enemy. I must overcome all of their defenses and hit them where it matters!  
We cannot lose this battle.  
“Reload the cannon!”

We have gotten this close to them, we can strike. We must strike now.  
“We are within 50 meters of the enemy. Take aim!”  
I stare out into the battlefield.  
I know there are humans out there. I know that.

I remember the sensation of dry wheat under my fingers, sun glaring down at us. Golden eyes looking at me longingly…

“Fire!”

Blood red takes over my golden memories.

“Reload and use the smokeless rounds this time!”  
Suguri squeezes my hand once and assures me, “We'll take them down!”, while Date loads the next round.

“Taki-sama, it's channel 307!”, Azusa yells over the deafening noise and my heart stutters. I tear down the headphones I had on my head and slide the other pair, which Azusa handed to me over my ears. Hastily I hold the microphone to my mouth and call out.  
“Klaus! Is this you? Where are you right now?!”  
The seconds of static that follow feel like an eternity, and when I finally do hear a voice, my heart sinks.  
It's a child's voice. I believe I can make out screams among the noise.  
“I can't hear you!”, I yell. My heart beats out of my chest. “ _HELP!_ ”  
“I can't understand you, turn up your signal!”

“Help us please!”, the child's voice rings out.  
“The captain got hurt protecting me!”

A scream is clawing it's way up my throat, but I can't let it out. I can still save them. He's not lost, it's not too late.  
I have to bear it now!  
“Where are you?”, I ask, “Where are you right now?!”

I can hear an eruption through the headphones, along with a startled scream.  
“We are on the way to the front line… there's explosions all around us!”

I hold back a curse. This isn't enough information to find them in the midst of battle!  
Just as I'm about to say something, screams pierce my ears, followed by gunshots.

Static.

It's so easy.  
All gone… so easily.

The signal is lost.

I feel nothing.

I keep clutching the headphones, holding them up to my ear, as though there was something still to be heard.  
I should move on.  
I must move on.

I must…

Static, followed by a voice.  
“Can you hear me, my Master?”

I let out the breath I didn't know I was holding.  
Suddenly I feel my eyes burning and my cheeks heating up.

Feeling rushes back into me, and my tears spill.  
“Sorry I'm late”, he says, and I want to burst out laughing, but all I can do is cry.  
“I can't really move around with the kid on my hands, so come and pick him up okay?”, he says in his typical tone, like he isn't scared at all.  
Like fear and horror don't touch him.

 

When we reach them, he looks at me with that same old grin of his.  
He wrapped some fabric around his right shoulder, and I can't help but feel my throat constrict. How bad is it?  
He's leaning against his motorcycle like he's lounging on a divan or couch. Haruki is curled up by his side, hiding his head under his hands.

He gets up with some difficulty and half drags, half carries Haruki towards Murakumo. The boy is visibly disoriented and still not over the shock of nearly dying.

I open the hatch once Klaus and Haruki have climbed on top of Murakumo, so the boy can come inside.  
Inside he'll at least be protected from the missiles and detonations all around.  
I press my back into the hull, to make space for him. He lands at my feet, beneath my seat with a nervous yelp.  
“Welcome”, says Suguri and gives the boy a faint smile.

I linger, struggling with the need to see and feel Klaus' right now.  
“Like this I might be able to do some fighting”, Klaus says nonchalantly, and I feel frustration and anger bubble up in my chest.  
“You brought a child to the front line”, I point out. How could he even _think_ of fighting? How wasn't the child's safety his first priority?  
“You can punish me later”, he says as if he didn't fear the punishment. Maybe he doesn't.  
Maybe he doesn't fear pain or punishment. Maybe he doesn't care.  
Not for his own life, nor that of Haruki, nor that of…  
No.  
Stop…

“How bad are your injuries?”, I ask, composing myself.  
“Looks worse than it is”  
I hear the smile through his voice.  
“Really?”, I ask, doubting his sincerity. Why would he smile… why now? Why here?  
“Yeah”, his voice sounds dull, despite the smile.  
My insides tighten. It's nothing new.  
Same old nausea, same old sour taste in the back of my throat.  
Same old salty wetness, same old scent of iron in the air.

“Taki”, Klaus calls softly, interrupting my thoughts, “I felt it, when you called my name”  
I don't know what he's trying to say.

“I only respond to your call, no matter where I am, all I think about, is returning to your side”, he says. Here, in the midst of battle.  
Surrounded by death and danger, he says these things.

“That's why I came here”, he says and the pain spreads before he can say anymore. “To be by your side”

I clench my teeth and press my lips together. Don't cry, don't cry, don't cry… don't cry now.  
Don't.  
“Come on, Taki. Make the call, and I'll turn each word into a weapon to strike down your enemies”, Klaus says with a smile.

_Don't cry, Taki-sama. You mustn't cry. Think of your people. Think of them. And bring honor to the house of Reizen.  
You must not falter. You must not give in to weakness._

_Taki Reizen._

“To all men who hear me, this is commander Reizen! Entrust yourselves to me and follow me!”, I yell, head tilted back, heart racing.  
“Do not hesitate! Do not doubt! Every hit you take, you will pay them back! Every step they take, we will push them back twice the distance! All men who hear me, we will not surrender! We will fight, we will take back what was ours!”

I am not afraid anymore.

“I heard you”, Klaus says softly and stands up straight. I glance at him.  
“Do not leave me again”, I order and turn away from him once I hear his reply.  
“I won't”  
“Don't go beyond my reach”, I remind him, “for I control your destiny, my Knight”

Thus, I shut the hatch.  
I report back to headquarters.

“The foot troops and first tank division have cornered the enemy, call in the second division to surround the enemy and finish them-” I am interrupted.  
“No, pull back and let the troops recover before the final strike”  
“With all due respect, General, our troops will only be weakened if we don't make the strike now. Entrust me with this battle!”, I demand and don't even listen for their response.

The strength of my men is peaking. It takes a taste of despair to truly bring out a man's power, and right now, I am channeling their power to win.

Bit by bit, step by step, we will advance.

I cannot waste my resources, I cannot let my men's sacrifices be in vain, this battle must be won! Only then can we hope for a future in peace and freedom.

Don't let the enemy take away what's ours.  
Don't let them trample the foundation upon which we stand! We need to stand strong, so our children and grandchildren will themselves have a foundation to stand on!

We don't fight for today!

We fight for tomorrow and the day after.

 

The first rays of the morning sun caress the violated earth, when the enemy finally retreats. We didn't falter and thus, broke their momentum.

Suguri confirms the enemy's retreat and opens his hatch to get a better overview. I open my own hatch and gaze across the battlefield.  
The smoke is clearing up and finally I am able to see the full extend of the destruction.  
I hear a gasp beneath me and look down, where Haruki is scrambling to his feet at the sight of daylight and fresh air.  
I let him stand on my seat and poke his head out through the hatch, his back pressing into my chest and belly.  
He's hot and trembling, taking in the smoke filled air in big gulps.

Suguri glances up at him.  
“Hey kid”, he greets him and smiles. Now that the battle is over, his smile is more sincere and warm. It calms me as well to see him smile.  
“Was your first tank ride fun?”, he asks, knowing the answer already.  
Haruki leans his head onto his crossed arms and wheezes.  
“I think I'm deaf now… my ears are ringing”, he whimpers breathlessly.  
I almost smile.

Riding in a tank for the first time is nothing to sneeze at. It looks easy and do-able until the engine starts.  
Suddenly, every wall seems to tighten around you, and the noise reverberates inside the tight, confined space. Sight and aim lose precision as the body fights to withstand the conditions within the tank.  
That is exactly why it takes practice, to correct the trajectory of any shot with recoil, terrain and tank movement taken into consideration quick enough, to actually hit a – typically moving – target.

I squeeze Haruki's shoulder.  
He did well for his first time, not panicking or complaining at all during the battle.

“I couldn't see anything either”, he murmurs, voice slightly clearer now.  
“You should have sat on somebody's lap then!”, says Date and laughs.  
“I still wouldn't have been able to see through the smoke”, Haruki says, looking across the battlefield now.  
“Is it over?”

“No”, I answer. It hurts me to say it, but I wouldn't lie to the child.  
This is war, and this one battle won't be the end of it.

My attention shifts to the familiar roar of a motorcycle. Klaus has returned to Murakumo's side.  
Before I can say anything, Haruki lights up with happiness.  
“Klaus-sama!”, he calls out, and it surprises me.  
Nobody calls Klaus “sama”. Most either call him by his military rank, or name, not using honorifics in most cases.

“I'm back”, Klaus says, smiling. His eyes linger on me, and I feel the same anger and frustration bubble up in my chest again.  
His smile reminds me so insistently on his disregard for his own safety and that of others. Maybe that is why he's such a good soldier.  
Because he just goes into any battle fearlessly.

Maybe that's why he's standing here now, smiling, despite his injury. Despite the lives lost.

“Good work”, I mutter and turn away. The longer I look at him, the more I lose my composure.  
“Transport those who are injured to infirmary as quickly as possible! Everybody else clear up the area. Once that's done we'll head back to base!”, I call to the soldiers within earshot, gesturing for them to move out and pass on the command.

“Uhm, Captain Klaus…!”, Haruki starts, leaning towards Klaus. I hold him back by his shoulder. This is not the time or the place for a child's admiration. We need to clear up the area as soon as possible.  
“You can talk later”, I assure him and turn back towards the field.  
“But the captain…!”, the boy protests before I cut him off with a look.

“Those with minor injuries help transport those who suffered graver injuries! Medical support is on the way!”, I call out needlessly, as all soldiers know the procedure already. Still, I feel the need to assure them after this battle.  
I pushed them to the absolute limit. I must acknowledge their struggles.  
“Be mindful of left over explosives and land mines!”

Behind me, I hear Suguri's voice, reminding Haruki of the situation we're still in. He pulls him back down into Murakumo's body.

That's right.  
A battle doesn't end until we are back at the base, and even then, the war isn't over. We cannot let our guard down, we cannot rest.  
I mustn't give in to emotion and rash impulses. I mustn't lose my composure, or else I won't make the right decisions for the future, even if it's painful now.

 

When we finally get back to the compound, it's late morning. Klaus arrived moments after Murakumo and is ready to help me down from Murakumo.  
“Move aside, Klaus. You mustn't aggravate your injury”, I murmur when he holds out his arms to catch me as he usually does.  
He glares up at me.  
“Moriya will help me down”, I tell him and when Moriya walks up to Murakumo's side, Klaus lingers with a piercing glare.  
Moriya doesn't seem to care about Klaus' hostile demeanor, holding out his arms for me.  
I hold onto his shoulders and jump to the ground. Moriya's hands grip my hips securely and he lowers me to the ground safely.  
“Thank you, Moriya”, I say and smile at my friend.  
He bows his head.  
“Good work, Taki-sama. Please rest soon”, he says and looks at me with the faintest hint of a smile. I know him good enough to understand.  
“I will. You did well today too, so rest as well. Make sure Date and Azusa rest as well”  
Moriya nods and salutes quickly, before leaving.

I can feel Klaus' stare pressing into my back like a physical touch.  
“Klaus”, I start, but my voice breaks before I can say another word. I turn towards him and put my hand on his arm, avoiding the injury itself.  
“Lets go to your shed, I will treat your wound”, I offer, glad my voice is firmer this time.  
Klaus doesn't look at me.  
He puts his arm around me, resting his hand on my back and starts walking slowly.  
I go along with him, glad he doesn't refuse my care.

Since Suguri is taking Haruki back, I can't ask him to treat Klaus' injuries now.  
And I know well enough that Klaus would probably refuse Suguri's care.

We walk to Klaus' shed in silence.  
I feel like a prisoner, accompanied by a guard.  
My baby hasn't moved at all since we got back to the compound. I hope it's sleeping.

Once we get to Klaus' shed, he removes his hand from my back and opens the door.  
“'scuse the mess”, he grunts indifferently and takes off his jacket.  
I glance at him and my breath catches. Blood soaked through the sleeve of his shirt. He huffs at me and removes his tie, tossing it over the backrest of a chair alongside the jacket.  
I quickly unbutton the jacket of my uniform and take it off, so I don't get blood on it, folding and placing it on the seat of the chair.  
“Sit on the bed and take off that shirt”, I order, rolling up my sleeves and walk into Klaus' bathroom to look for a bowl, bandages, towels and an disinfectant.  
I find a bowl and towels quickly, but I don't have that much luck with bandages.  
Don't tell me he doesn't keep any bandages in his room…?  
“They're up here”, Klaus says from behind me and I jump. He reaches up to the highest shelf of the bathroom closet and grabs a brown carton with “Mullbinde” written on it. My heart is still hammering in my chest, but I do notice the label. German gauze? Hasn't he been given any from our supplies?  
“There's a shop in town that sells imported stuff from home. I just happened to get this there”, Klaus explains. He stands there for a few breaths, pressing his still clothed chest into my back.  
I can feel his warmth, his heartbeat, his breath… A shiver runs down my spine and I try to compose myself.  
“I should have some proper bandages in here too”, Klaus adds and reaches further back on the shelf.  
“You shouldn't do that. You are straining your injury like this”, I murmur. I know there isn't another way to reach them.  
I am too small to reach them.  
He knows that too, and smirks at me through the mirror. I frown.

Once he hands me the bandages, I send him back to the other room.

I take out the disinfectant from a lower shelf of the bathroom closet and set it aside with the towels. Before I can treat Klaus' injury, I must clean my hands. I grab the white bar of soap and wash my hands thoroughly, drying them off before rubbing some of the disinfectant onto my hands.  
The smell stings my nose, but I ignore it.  
I pour water into the bowl and carry it to the other room along with the other materials.

I see that he took off his shirt by now and make a mental note to soak it once I'm done with Klaus' injury.  
He looks at me with dark eyes. The gold of his irises barely shimmers through, and his warm skin looks pale.  
Neither of us have gotten much sleep, but I'm not tired. The tension of the battle hasn't dissipated yet and just by looking at him I can tell, it's the same for him.

I place the bowl on his nightstand and soak a small towel in the water, before sitting next to him on the bed and cleaning him up.  
First, all the blood from the surrounding area, so I can see the wound itself; I then clean the inside of the wound with gauze that cut into pieces and soaked with the disinfectant.  
Klaus hisses when I touch the raw flesh. I know it hurts, it stings pretty bad, but it has to be done. And I'm certain an infection would hurt much more.

“I'm almost done”, I try to soothe and throw away the bloodied piece of gauze.  
I unroll a clean piece of gauze and put it over the injury, before wrapping the bandages around Klaus' arm and shoulder to make sure it all stays in place.

It's probably not perfect, but better than nothing. I would rather have him sleep with an imperfect bandage, than get infected.  
And tomorrow he can let Suguri check his wound if need be.

I get up, taking the materials and the shirt with me.  
I pour out the water from the bowl and rinse it quickly and put it back. Then plug the sink and fill it with cold water so I can soak the bloodied towels alongside the shirt in the water, scrubbing the fabric against itself to get the blood out properly.

The water turns a dirty reddish brown with fresh and old blood. I pull the plug and refill the sink.

This time, I don't jump when Klaus comes up behind me.  
For a while he watches me through the mirror, not saying anything. I keep washing out the shirt and towels; again the water turns reddish brown.  
I pull the plug again.

He puts his hands on my hips, lightly at first, but the longer he keeps them there, the harder his grasp gets.  
“Klaus…” I try, but he turns me around and presses me against the tiled wall of his shower. I look at him in shock.  
What is he trying to do…!?

He looks at me, eyes even darker now. I can't breathe.  
He looks like a stranger right now.

My knees buckle under my weight and before I fully realize it, I have sunken to the ground. My heart is beating out of my chest.  
I can't feel my baby.  
It doesn't move.

I look up at him, towering over me.

I used to enjoy his presence. The effortless protection he offered just by being there. Nobody dared to touch me at Luckenwalde when he was around.  
Of course I didn't need his protection, but the feeling was nice still.  
A sense of security that would put my mind at ease.

But now… he's the embodiment of that same thing that he used protect me from. The danger that he could keep at bay with his sheer size… it is now him and nobody else.

More than fear, I feel… sadness.  
Because I know why he changed.  
I know it.

It's my fault.  
But what _can_ I do?

I lower my head and look around the shower.  
“Sorry my shower is so cramped”, Klaus says, his voice cutting through the air like a blade. It's an accusation.  
“But I won't be able to sleep unless I have you”

My anger wells up again.  
Is that how you thank me? Is that what you think of me…?

“What do you think-” I'm cut off by the shower being turned on. Cold water splashes me and I immediately shield my face, letting out a startled shriek. The cold stream feels like needles raining down on my body.  
Soon enough, the water turns warm.

“Come on, cry for help. Call for somebody to save you”, Klaus says, voice cold as ice.

I am tempted to do it.  
My anger searing through my veins, but I don't, and he knows it. He knows I won't do it, and he taunts me with that knowledge.  
The pain only fuels my anger.

“Of course there is no one you could call for, isn't that so, Taki Reizen?”, Klaus kneels in front of me, glaring at me with that same old smile of his.  
How can he smile like that, while his eyes are so cruel?  
“It would humiliate you and destroy your reputation to be seen like this, hm?”  
I look at him in disbelief; no… that's not it. He knows my reputation is on the line, but he has no way of knowing just how much harm it would cause, if this were ever revealed to my soldiers.  
“The man who rules the battlefield, once he returns to base, goes to his subordinate's little shower to get fucked”

Every word is true. And every word hurts.

He rips open my shirt and undoes my pants, sliding them down my thighs.

I let him.  
“What? Is that all you got?”, he sneers, spreading my legs an pressing himself between them.  
“Are you really that easy?”

My blood is rushing in my ears, my heart is pounding; nausea is clawing at my throat and tears burn in my eyes.  
It hurts so much.

What _does_ he think of me?!  
What am I to him?

I was going to let him have his way, I was going to endure all of it, just so he would stay.  
I hoped he would understand, I hoped he would find some sort of satisfaction, having me for himself.  
Even though it hurt, even though I was afraid… I endured it.

I grit my teeth and swallow the pain.

“Fine”, I mutter through my teeth.  
He halts his movement and looks at me with wide eyes.  
“Do as you like”, I spit, not looking at him. If I do, I'll cry. “Mock me, violate me – I won't be your mistress!”

I only look at him to see his reaction.  
I am scared, but more than that, I am angry.

I don't know what he's thinking.

He looks surprised… like he's actually awake now.

But soon, is expression turns cold again. He stands up in front of me, leaving me on the ground, naked and worthless.  
I cannot see his eyes behind his fringe.

“Fine, let's see how far you'll go then”, he says and unzips his pants.  
I look away.  
No.  
Please, don't.

I clench my teeth. I mustn't say it.

“Suck me”, he says and grabs my hair loosely. I look at his face. I see hatred and pain in his eyes, regret and guilt.

I want to cry, but I cannot.

I sit on my knees and raise my hands slowly, hesitantly.  
I force myself to open my mouth.

I place one hand on his thigh and touch his tip with my lip for a second. I lick my lips and swallow dryly, trying to pull myself together.  
My tongue touches the tip of his half hard member. It's smooth and warm.

He yanks me forward, guiding his member into my mouth, gripping my hair tighter when the head collides with my teeth.  
“Do it properly”

I pull away and close my mouth.  
Don't think about it.  
Forget who you are.  
Forget why you are doing this.  
Just do it.

Just let it happen.

I open my mouth, guarding my teeth with my lip and tongue and don't pull back when he pushes in. I squeeze my eyes shut, as I try to open my mouth wider. I press my hand next to the base of his shaft.  
He pushes in further. My jaw hurts already.  
Tears well up in my eyes.

_Same old nausea, same old sour taste in the back of my throat._

When I pull back, I look up at him.

The eyes of a hurt boy. Anger and hurt, guilt and regret, but no hatred, no contempt. Only an open wound.

He reaches out with his hand and brushes the knuckles of my hand, which I had placed on his shaft.  
I can only hold still and await the strike.

I know he's looking at me.  
I lower my head.  
I cannot face this man.

Suddenly he grabs my hair and pulls me forward again.  
“Continue!”  
I catch myself with my hands on the ground and open my mouth obediently.

He keeps his hand on the back of my head and pushes in. I try my best to breathe through my stuffy nostrils and let him enter my mouth further.  
I choke up and pull away. I can barely catch my breath, before he's pushing in again. I don't know if my teeth are touching him anymore. I don't know how far he's pushing in. I don't know… I feel dizzy and sick.  
He pushes in again and this time I gag. He lets me go and I think I almost throw up. Except there's nothing in my stomach right now.

I haven't eaten since yesterday.

I feel guilty.

Klaus pulls me back up and pushes back in.  
I gag again, tears streaming down my face, leaving sticky, salty tracks on my cheeks.  
He pushes in again.  
I gag and pull away, heaving and choking. Spit is running from my mouth and I cough, throat constricting painfully.  
I grip my throat, trying to somehow ease the sensation of something being stuck right behind my larynx.

“We're not done yet. Get up”, his words startle me, and my breath catches. “Turn around and put your hands on the wall”, he commands.  
I look up at him. How much further will he go?

“Didn't you say I could do as I like?”

Yes. I said that.  
And I feel stupid for it.

I obey once more, getting up from my knees and walking towards the wall. I don't touch the wall with my belly or chest, not wanting to touch the cold tiles. But I place my hands on the wall as he ordered.

Oh how undignified… how utterly pathetic must I look. Who am I anymore?  
A body with no face.  
Is that how he sees me?

Is that what I am?

He grabs my wrist and presses it firmly against the wall so I can't move away. He presses his chest into my back like he did earlier.  
I press my chest against the wall, afraid of his touch, arching my back so he won't touch me.  
But his hands are everywhere.

I feel his lips on my nape and a shudder runs down my spine. No… please… not there…  
My skin is tingling with too many sensations.  
The cold wall, his warm hands, the lukewarm water, his hot lips…

He places small bites and kisses along my nape and shoulders, roaming my chest with his left hand. He pinches my nipples, cups my breasts, caresses the curve of my belly.  
Klaus… please, Klaus…

Klaus…

He bites my nape again and I turn my head to the side, squeezing my eyes shut to keep the tears inside.

When I open my eyes, I see red.

Blood…  
“Klaus!”, I call out, “You're bleeding!”  
I try to grab his right wrist to pull him away. I don't know who I'm doing this for. For him, or for myself.  
I just want this to end.

But he just wraps his arms around me, both hands on my body, holding me tightly against him.

I feel his warmth, his breath, his heartbeat, I feel his arousal and strength – and all of it… all of it… scares me.

My cheeks grow hotter, my eyes wetter while his hands keep playing with me. He presses his knee between my legs.  
I am trapped.

I bite back any sounds I might make and just endure it all.  
I keep my hands on the wall, just so I don't touch him, while he plays with me. Like I am a doll, made for his pleasure.

“You are hard”, he whispers into my ear, “Did it turn you on to suck my cock?”  
White hot fury flashes before my eyes.  
I lash out, try to hit him but in my current state I have no chance, and we both know it.

We both know it, and it hurts even more because of that.  
Because he scoffs at my weak attempt at resisting, because he holds me against the wall again with no effort.

I pant heavily, staring at his chest through the veil of my wet hair.  
He's looking at me.

I look up at him, blinking through my tears.

For a moment he just looks at me, like a stranger. Then more and more pain and unease paint his features.  
His jaw clenches, his frown deepens, his eyes grow darker.

He leans in closer to me, holding me in place, like it's the only way he could try this anymore, and brushes his lips against mine.

I turn my head away.  
No.

No, it hurts too much!  
It hurts to be treated like this, and then you try to put on a tender face like this?

I want the comfort. I want the affection, I want it so desperately… but not like this.  
Not anymore.

 

“I wanted to make it quick, but I changed my mind”, he growls, “Lets go to bed”  
He yanks me away from the wall and turns off the shower, kicking the door open and tosses me onto the bed like a _thing_.

“I want to enjoy you”, he says and closes the bathroom door.

I caught myself and turn to look at him.  
He approaches the bed slowly, climbs onto the mattress, crawling over my body like a beast over subdued prey.

I can't look at him.

Even when he reaches between my legs and spreads me open.  
I feel cold.  
I shudder.  
He pushes in with the tip of his finger, and when I try to close my legs, press my thighs together so he can't reach me, he just spreads my legs with a forceful yank.  
I cry out.  
He pushes in two fingers and I curse my body which betrays me.

I almost scream, but my voice gets caught in my throat when he pushes his fingers up inside me.

“Stop…”, I whimper. I don't care anymore. Just stop it.  
Please, please, forgive me.

“It's only been a day, and you are opening right up for me”, he murmurs lowly, “still wet from you and me”

I close my eyes and cry.

He presses into me, and suddenly I realize, it's not his fingers. It's his member.  
I try to sit up, try to twist away, but he grabs my hair and presses me down into the mattress.  
“Relax!”

He guides the head of his member and pushes in. I try my best to relax, knowing too well that I'll be the one suffering if I don't.  
I have to be complicit in his crime…

He grabs my chin and turns my face towards him.  
“Today”, he says and looks into my eyes, “I'm going all the way”

I break out in cold sweat. My gut clenches and I can only think of escape. I am so scared… no, not even scared anymore.  
I don't fear what's next.

It's not fear.  
It's not that I don't know what's going to happen.

It's the certain knowledge, that terrifies me.

My blood rushes in my ears, my pulse spiking, heart beating so hard it hurts.

He grabs me and pain spreads through my abdomen when he presses his thumb into my glans. My limbs give out underneath my body and I collapse.  
A heap of nothing.

He grabs my hips and angles them so he can push in again…  
“No… stop…! Stop- Don't!”

It hurts. Even though I'm wet, it feels like he's going in dry! I want to cry out but a knock cuts me off.

A knock.  
My heart stops.

Klaus freezes as well.

“Captain Klaus?”

It's the child, Haruki… I press both hands over my mouth and try not to make a sound.  
“It's me, Cadet Yamamoto”  
Klaus doesn't move.

I can't understand what the boy says next. My body is trembling with tension, trying to keep quiet.

_Let me go, Klaus. Please, let me go, I beg you. Let it end. Have mercy, please. It hurts so much, forgive me.  
Please forgive me…_

I almost scream when he pulls me back by my hair and thrusts all the way inside.

“What do you want?”, Klaus asks. He sounds composed, but I can hear the hoarseness in his voice as he's talking through his thrusts.  
It's terrifying.

“Klaus-sama!”, the boy calls out, and Klaus thrusts in again.

“I'm in bed already, so talk where you are”, Klaus grunts. He holds me down by my shoulder, gripping my hip with his other hand as he thrusts.  
My body is shaking. My heart feels cold.

“I wanted to thank you for today! If you hadn't protected me, I would not be here…” Klaus cuts him off, “I was the one who put you in danger in the first place, so don't worry about it”

I'm trying so hard to keep my voice down, to stop myself from sobbing or crying.  
“Klaus… please… stop… I can't… no more… please…” I don't know what exactly I'm saying anymore, “Let me go… I beg you… please…”

He pulls out and pulls back my shoulder, turning me onto my back and pushes back inside. My vision goes black for a second, while pain floods my senses.  
I let out a cry.

“Klaus-sama?”

I bite my wrist as hard as I can.

“Are you alright?”

I taste blood.

“Klaus-sama?!”

“What, you still have something to say?”, Klaus' voice sounds more strained now.  
“Y-yes, there is something I need to tell you!”, Haruki exclaims.

“Tell me another day”, Klaus grunts impatiently.  
“I'll say it quickly”

He stops.

“It's just, that I'd like to ask you, to allow me to hold onto this gun for a little longer! You entrusted me with it, but I wasn't able to use it; because of that, I'd like to keep it for a bit. I was helpless during the battle! I want to be like you and Taki-sama one day, able to help protect my country. Therefore, I want to become stronger; strong enough that I won't cower in fear next time I'm in danger! So until then, I'd like to remind myself of this day, by holding onto that gun, if you allow me to keep it”

These words were not meant for me.  
But I heard them.  
And they touch me.

They awaken a memory, a feeling inside me. One that I was ready to die for.

The reason why I endure this all.

“I see. I'll let you keep it then”, Klaus murmurs and grips my thigh, thrusting into me again.

Anger and pain, so much pain. And so much anger…  
Despair…

“Thank you so much! I will leave then, please rest well, Klaus-sama!”

…all consuming despair…

“He's gone, let out your voice”, Klaus orders coldly.

“A- are you not ashamed…”, I whimper, “This boy admires you so much… and you… betray this admiration, by committing such vulgar acts”  
I sob, unable to look at him.  
At the man I loved.

I did.  
I truly did.

And I still do. And I feel guilty.

But it hurts too much.

“Is that so?”, Klaus asks. I hear the hurt and anger in his voice, and I want to take back my words but I can't. It hurts too much.

He thrusts back into me, hard and fast, hitting inside me, tearing me apart from the within.  
“Is that how you think of this, huh?”, he growls.

I cry out, begging helplessly for him to stop.

“Aren't you the shameless one here?”, he raises his voice in anger, “How _does_ it feel to muffle your cries while I fuck you, huh?”  
I can only cry anymore, “It hurts… it hurts, Klaus…!”, but he doesn't stop, he doesn't slow down.  
“Answer me!”

My vision blacks out, his voice fades in and out.  
“Why do you refuse me now?!”, I still hear the pain in his voice, “Wasn't it _you_ who wanted _me_ in the first place?”

I cannot move anymore.  
I don't feel my body, I only feel the pain in his voice anymore.

I wish I could cradle his face and apologize, because he's right.  
I did want him and I still do. That's why I never called for help. Because I didn't want to reject him outright, even if I couldn't consent.  
I tried to make things right.  
I tried to be good, to just push through the hardship.

I was so relieved when my uncle said I could still give this child a future in dignity, if only I married an appropriate alpha.  
And I so dearly hoped it would be him.  
I hoped.

And I refused to let go of that hope, even when he hurt me. Because I still hoped.

I tried to make things right.  
To give our child a future.

But I hurt him.

I hurt him… and I'm sorry.

“Forgive me”


	22. Chapter 22

A soft thud.

 

Suddenly Taki's body feels heavy.

…  
Blood.

 

Bloody lips

whispering...  
_Forgive me_

Heavy.

Forgive me.  
Taki...

 

“Taki”

His skin feels cold under my hand. His body feels heavy.  
“Hey… Taki…?”

He doesn't move. He's not moving. He's…

No. no… no… no…

“S-say something…!”

His thighs are so pale… so heavy…

Blood.

 

White fluttering tendrils… petals of snow… dizzying pain… a heavy cold body…  
Screams all around me.

Screams all around me…

Rushing blood…

Taki

 

Cold.

Taki's cheeks are wet… and cold…  
He's not moving.

He's gotta be so cold right now… his wet skin is so cold to the touch…

I wrap him with my sheet and hold him tightly against myself.  
My shoulder aches when I hold him close, when his temple presses into my shoulder. The water from his damp hair soaks into the bandages he put on me, and it stings, but I won't let him go.  
I won't…

I came here because I wouldn't let him go, because he's…

He wanted me.

 

He wanted this child…

I want to hold him closer, tighter. I want to feel him warm up in my arms but he doesn't. I want to feel him…

Say something, Taki…

_Forgive me_

This isn't right… none of this is…!  
This isn't why I'm here.

“I didn't come to this country to be doing this...” To cradle him like this. To feel his body cool more and more… his breath to grow faint…

No… right… this cannot happen!

 

I look at his face and press my hand against his cheek. He's cold from the water. It's hard to tell how warm or cold his own body is, when my hands are damp with cold sweat themselves. I press my fingers against his neck, hoping desperately to feel the thump of his pulse under my fingertips.

He's breathing.  
He's still here. He's here.

_Come on now…!_

I need to get him to somebody who can save him.

Suguri.

_Think, Klaus, think now!_

I can't carry Taki out in the open like this, right? Not with a bloodied sheet wrapped around him. I can't dress him back up though either, it would take too long, and it would stain his clothes.

My heart flutters and clenches when I think of his slender hands, scrubbing my shirt. Washing clothes, treating wounds… my heart aches with longing and despair, knowing he'll never be doing this for me again.

Just when I thought I had nothing left to lose, I realize, how entirely wrong I was.  
How I had it all in my hands.

And I broke it.

I broke him.

 

Oh no… the blood…!

I look around in my shed and find my coat. It should be long and wide enough to cover all of his body. I'll hurry.  
Stay with me, Taki… stay with me.

I wrap him in my coat, put on the shirt he'd washed for me and lift him into my arms. A grunt comes over my lips as I flex my bicep to hold his legs up.

I press my back against the door and push down the door handle with my elbow. I don't bother trying to close the door now. I need to get Taki to Suguri. He'll be able to save him.  
He'll be able to save Taki.

 

I carry Taki across the compound, and no matter how fast I walk, it feels like I'll be too slow.  
Once I arrive at Suguri's door, I knock with the tip of my boot so I don't have to let go of Taki. I need to keep him warm after all, holding him tightly against myself.

It feels like an eternity, waiting for the doctor to open the door.

“Yes? It's my break, so make it brief...” he mutters while he opens the door, not even looking at right away.  
When he does, he stops speaking, and I feel my heart clench and my gut twisting.

“Please, take care of Taki”, I say hoarsely as my voice gets stuck in my throat.

For another terrible stretch of time there is nothing but the unmoving weight in my arms and the disbelieving stare of the army doctor.  
He then steps forward quickly and takes Taki from me with a glare that makes my heart stutter. He enters his office and places Taki on his bed, not paying attention to me at all. I close the door behind myself, pressing myself into the wall.  
I watch him, as he unwraps the coat and puts it aside. I catch a glimpse of drying blood on the back of the tan fabric, and once again my gut twists.

Suguri takes Taki's pulse and listens to his breathing, before getting up to grab a syringe and a vial of something.  
I only see it from the corner of my eye, staring at Taki's unmoving form from where I stand.

Suguri cleans Taki's inner elbow with a wad of cotton and glances back at me. I flinch.  
“You distract me, lurking over there. Sit”

My body jerks before my brain catches up with what Suguri said. I hesitate, but pull a chair towards me and sit off to the side behind Suguri.  
He places the needle on Taki's vein and injects a clear liquid.  
Once put away the syringe, he lowers Taki's arm back onto the mattress, cradling his bloody wrist for a few seconds.  
Taki bit himself when… the boy came to the door. Because I…

I did this.

I feel echoes of my anger and frustration pulsing in my chest, when truly all I should be feeling now is sorrow.

“I gave him a sedative. He should sleep for a while now”, Suguri explains calmly.  
I wonder if he's one of those people who work better when they have company, when they can talk to somebody and aren't left alone with their thoughts.

“Captain Klaus von Wolfstadt”, he starts and I see the tension in his shoulders rise, “am I safe to assume that you are the cause of Taki-sama's injuries?” He whips around, gun drawn and pointed at my forehead.

Against my heated head the cold metal feels comforting, almost. Suguri's glare is dripping with hatred. The stillness of his hand, despite his vibrating fury is truly terrifying. I don't dare to breathe.  
But I won't resist.

I am instinctively afraid, but I don't deserve an easy death.

I steel myself, swallow my fear and stare up at him.

 

The hatred fades from his face, leaving only pain in it's wake. He withdraws the gun from my head and lowers his hand.

 

“ _Rabid dog_ ”, he spits the words like venom. “Turn your back on us, barbarian”  
I've never heard _him_ use an insult like that. A slur, specifically aimed at a Saxon brute like myself.  
How fitting.

I don't dare to protest and sit backwards on my chair. Behind me, I hear a blanket rustle, skin touching skin and the creaking of the mattress.

“What _have_ you done?!”

I know he doesn't want an answer.

I know I don't want an answer.

 

Soon I hear cardboard packages being opened, scissors cutting gauze, wet fabric being disposed, all along with tight breaths and clenching teeth.

For a long time this is all I hear, as I stare blankly at the back wall of Suguri's office. I see blood, spreading into white sheets, staining pale skin, I see dull blue eyes and so much pain…  
So much pain…

“Do you even know- do you _understand_ what you did?”

I cannot answer.

I don't want to hear it, I don't want to know it.

I wish Suguri had pulled the trigger.

But I don't deserve an easy death.

So I listen.

“Forbidden from consuming meat, forbidden from consuming alcohol, forbidden from indulging in carnal pleasures”, he says with that same tone of voice that Taki had back then, when he spoke of his country.  
Like reciting a poem he'd learned long ago.

A poem that's etched into his very being.

“The Reizen Family has served as _Shinka_ under the gods protection for centuries. Members have renounced their right to marry in order to maintain their purity. To be tainted out of wedlock… is unthinkable”

I glance back at Suguri, whose face is twisted in distress.

“Once touched by impurity, he is tainted. Breaking one's vows before the gods is a disgrace deserving of punishment by death itself”

I turn around with a jerk, staring in disbelief while Suguri cradles Taki's limp arm, slumping over the bed to hide his face.

“Not to mention, Taki-sama as a lord and military leader has to uphold the traditions more strictly than anyone! How else would he receive the god's protection… how else would he offer up his body as their vessel, to guide and defend his people...” - “What?!”

Suguri glares at me.  
“Did you not know this, foreigner?”

I stare back at him.

“The _Shinka_ is the flower of the _Son of Heaven_! The one flower that must not be broken!”

I would have laughed at anyone, saying words like these, but this is their belief. This is true to them. All of them.  
Every single person here.

It is a truth Taki followed.

“How else do you think a youth of barely twenty years could command twenty-thousand troops? It's because we trust in the gods' favor for his bloodline. That is why every one here praises and respects him, because he's a vessel for the gods themselves!”  
“That's ridiculous! To base decisions on old superstitions like this...” - “It's not superstition”, Suguri cuts me off.  
“We see it with our own eyes. When he comforts them, men will endure, and carry out their duties until the end”

I want to protest, but I can't.

It's true.

And all the times that I laid my hands on him, I was hurting him. Even my caresses, the faint touches to his soft skin… were nothing but me, ripping apart all he stood for.

Understanding spreads through my chest like heavy, thick liquid; taking up space in my lungs, suffocating me from the inside.

And along with it come those same white fluttering tendrils that coil around my neck. Guilt. Nothing but searing, painful guilt.

“I have...”

“I'll look after him”, Suguri says dully.  
“But…”, I start, but he cuts me off with a growl. “Get OUT!”  
I flinch.  
“Get the hell out of here, before I change my mind and put a bullet in your head!”

I walk towards the door and open it quickly, ready to leave, when my breath catches in my throat. No… don't leave.  
Not now.  
Not him.

Not like this… please…

I look back at them.  
Suguri is slumped in his seat, shoulders weighed down by the despair of seeing his protégé like this.

Even now, sedated and asleep, he looks like he's in pain. His skin looks so pale against his black hair. The reddish flush that I so much love to see on his cheeks is nowhere to be found.  
Instead his eyelids are swollen and sore from crying.

Is this how I'll remember him?

I linger at the door, unsure what to do; how to just leave.

“Please”, I start nervously, “please look after Taki”

Suguri doesn't respond or react, and I get the laughable thought that he might punish me by neglecting Taki. It's ridiculous, but I still fear it.  
“Please”

Suguri still doesn't look back at me. He only raises one hand. He will look after Taki for as long as he has to.  
He doesn't need me to tell him that.  
I know that.

Still…

 

I cross the threshold and shut the door with one hand.

The November sun is way too bright, way too golden. It's blinding.  
I must leave.  
I must…

I cannot linger here.

I have lost my right to be here. I am undeserving, so damn undeserving. I am…

 

I squint and look up into the sky. It's too blue, the sun to bright and the lonely eagle too graceful.

The cold stings my cheeks, wind ruffling my hair. The damp spots on my shirt cling to my skin and the cold creeps into my bones.

 

I want to curl into a ball and hide myself from the glaring sun. It's like a deity, staring down at the one man who broke her precious vessel.  
How ridiculous and yet I cannot laugh.

I cannot help but remember the pale porcelain color of Taki's skin.

I see him before my eyes, laying before me in a heap of misery and pain, crying into his hands.

I see his bare nape, untouched and unmarked… I see his hands clutching the sheets as he struggles… I see his face…

I see his face streaked with tears, eyes turned away from me to hide their pain.

I choke.

Every thrust, every single thrust… and all I hear is him, crying. Crying, begging me to stop. Begging me to stop…

And I didn't.

“ _Scheiße!_ ”  
I press my hand to my face.  
“I deserve to die!”

I had been caught up in my own anger, my own worries and frustration, never stopping to ask how he was feeling.

But _shit_ , how should I have known?  
Nobody told me.  
Not a thing.

I remember Taki's face.  
His youthful face, wet with warm rain. He's saying something.

But I don't hear him.  
Not anymore.

I hear footsteps.

Footsteps…

I look up around me, finding myself surrounded by members of the military police, rifles pointing at me.

That was quick, I think. Did Suguri call them here? Probably.

I let them take me without resisting.  
The least I can do is own up to what I did, right?

I wonder if Suguri told them what exactly I did. Maybe he just told them I tried to harm Taki, I betrayed him or something.  
Maybe he exposed me as a spy – which wouldn't be a lie – but without actually having proof.  
What does it matter.

 

I gave up everything for him. Now I lost him too. What else can I lose anymore… nothing. So what does any of this matter.

I get taken to an underground cell with thick walls and a heavy door. As if I could try to escape.

They sit me on a chair with my hands cuffed behind my back. My shoulder hurts like a bitch, but I don't care anymore.  
I don't deserve an easy death, didn't I arrive at this conclusion already?  
So I just bear with it.  
What else could I do.

I almost laugh when I see who'll be interrogating me.  
It's my favorite creep, Hasebe. At least somebody will get to enjoy my death.

“Captain Klaus von Wolfstadt was arrested at 10:48am near the soldiers' dormitories. He shall be interrogated by grand chamberlain Hasebe under military police surveillance”, a man dictates, and somebody else writes it down.  
Gotta follow the protocol, of course.  
Of course.  
As always.

I slump on the chair and close my eyes.  
No matter what happens now, I want to be thinking of Taki. Only him.  
Hasebe starts asking me questions, but I don't even listen.  
I try to ignore him and keep thinking of Taki, but I can't.  
All I can think of, is the country itself.

It's so glaringly obvious now, how much it shaped Taki into the person he is today.  
The person I fell in love with back then at Luckenwalde feels like he's nothing but a pleasant dream anymore. Yet I feel like something is missing.  
I feel hollow, despite my resolve.

I think of rain and golden blossoms. I think of laughter and a shy smile. I think of snow and blood…

Cold water hits my face.

“ANSWER THE QUESTIONS I'M ASKING!”, Hasebe shouts. The guy behind him, holding the bucket looks uncertain and nervous. Again, I almost laugh. But I can't.  
I can't…

Splitting pain spreads across my cheek and I instinctively turn my face away from the attacker. Hasebe just whipped me with a cane.  
“Will you confess now? Answer me!”, he shouts at me.

“Sorry”, I murmur, not taking him or myself seriously anymore, “I haven't slept since we came back from the raid”  
I look at him, grinning through my pain.  
“Can you blame me for dozing off during this boring conversation?”

Hasebe looks like I insulted his family, rather than his interrogation-skills. He swings back the cane and I already know what to expect.  
And then it hits.

It's like my shoulder is being split open with a dull knife, all in one single second. It feels like burning ice is rubbed into raw flesh and I can't hold back a pained grunt.

“You have no nationality and thus have no human rights. You are nothing but a possession to your Master”, Hasebe reminds me, playing with the tip of his cane.  
I glare at him.  
“Even if I kill you during this interrogation, military law cannot punish me”

I know that.  
I know it.  
Keep going.  
I deserve it.

“I will ask you one more time!”, he bellows. “Maps and documents were found in your bag which describe our own country's and the Western Alliance's battle strategies in great detail. Why are you here? What is your purpose in this country?”

Thats it. I see. The bag was found which the boy threw out of the sidecar to make room for the radio. Ah… so it was found in the chaos after all.

But it doesn't matter anymore.

“Answer me!”

I await the next strike. And when it comes I don't bother holding back the pained yell rising in my throat.

Blinding color flashes before my eyes, accompanying the pain that's exploding in my shoulder.

I finally remember.

We had gotten news of Eurote's recent moves. They started posting troops in Nordwallen. The news were spread everywhere.

When Taki heard of it, he went to the garden as he often did, when he got bad news. I followed him.  
The grass was soaked from the last downpour, but the sun was shining down in bright golden rays through the trees.

He stood there in silence for a while.

I was about to touch him, or say something, when Taki suddenly spoke up.

_If only it could be with you, even beyond this sky… anywhere we went, would be fine_

The air smelled faintly sweet, strong scents of wet grass and dirt overpowering the soft fragrance of flowers.

I turned to look at him, and I saw him gaze into the distance longingly. And I remembered the soft whisper of flowery sweetness from the days of my youth.

I understand it now.

What he had so desperately been trying to tell me, and at the same time tried to keep from me. The fact that our bond could mean his end, and the truth that he wouldn't mind it, as long as I was with him.

That is why I'm here now. Why I left my country, my sister and my home behind; why I turned my back on those who had my back in the past; why I became a double-agent, why I became a traitor.

“I am”, I start, “Captain Klaus von Wolfstadt from the 15th armored division 'Rozen Maiden'”

Hasebe stares at me in disbelief, but I'm not done yet.  
“I am Commander Taki Reizen's one and only Knight!”

This is why I'm here, and this is why I'll die. Not because I'm a spy or agent.

Hasebe swings at me with his fist, and when he hits my face I loose my balance and fall on my side, taking the chair with me. The impact squeezes all the air from my lungs with such force, I can't even let out a grunt when I hit the ground.

“I've had it with your impertinence! Since you are unwilling to confess, I have no further use for you”, Hasebe announces and reaches for his sword.

That's it then, I tell myself.  
My heart is beating frantically. The reaction is instinctive. My life is going to end now.

“I acknowledge your skill as a soldier, therefor I will end your life with my sword!”  
I listen to every word as if it could save me, but it doesn't.

_Taki_

_Bitte, verzeih mir._

I squeeze my eyes shut and await the strike.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Notes: Little story time today, because I have been really exhausted lately.
> 
> When I write a chapter, I have the manga (whichever chapter I need for reference), my story notes, the timeline I made, sometimes even a doujinshi for reference as well and the last one, sometimes two SaL chapters open.  
> I cross-check every detail that I'm not entirely certain about, and I spend hours upon hours obsessing over specific character motivations/feelings and such. (Ask my dad, I basically drown him in SaL-informations)  
> All while I'm studying at university and suffering from insomnia…  
> But I keep going because I'm way too passionate about SaL by now, and I want you guys to have a good story to read.  
> Long story short – Thank you all for reading this story, and thank you to every person who leaves a comment. I love interacting with my readers, going into more details about MR and SaL!
> 
> Lastly, actual notes and translations...  
> Turn your back on us, barbarian – I assume you understand what Suguri/I tried to imply here. Barbarian is a word that has it's origin in ancient Rome. It's what the Romans called the Germanians back then, because their language sounded like “bar bar bar” to them. Barbarian obviously is a word to imply somebody is savage and uncivilized, but as I said, it's original meaning was to refer to Germanians back in the day.
> 
> Translation:  
> Bitte, verzeih mir – Please, forgive me


	23. Chapter 23

The shriek of shattering metal pierces the air, followed by a heavy grunt and a thin clatter.

I stare up ahead in disbelief.

“Stand down”, he says, voice cold.  
I can only stare, pain fading away entirely.

“Do not touch my Knight”

My throat tightens to the point that it's hard to breathe. How is he here? Why… why would he be… why for me.  
Why…

“Taki-sama, why are you here?!”, asks Hasebe, but Taki doesn't even look at him.  
He looks at me.  
“Taki… your body…”, I start before I can think through my words. His gaze hardens, but I desperately want to believe the softness in his eyes.  
It makes my pain fade and the stench of my own blood dissipate.

He takes a step towards me, carrying himself with the same elegance and dignity as usual, eyes on me.  
I cannot believe it. I cannot…

There is one reason for him to be here now, and I want to run from it. It is a realization I'm not ready for.

But as he stands in front of me, right within my reach, I have nowhere else to go. I can only go to him.

I kneel and bow down to kiss the back of his blade. If he wishes to end me, so be it. If he wishes to save me – no matter what I think of it – so be it.

I am his, and his alone. I have no doubt of that, feeling his gaze on my back as I bow before him.

He holds the sword perfectly still.  
I close my eyes. He came for me.

A man in shambles, a traitor and most of all, a barbarian. A cruel man.  
Father of a child, he mustn't accept.

But he does.

And he came for me.

“T-Taki-sama!”, Hasebe stammers, “this man is suspected to be a spy!”  
“I gave Klaus private orders to use his former allies to gain information on the Western Alliance's tactics and strategies”, Taki replies with such calm conviction, even I have to believe that's what he did.

“But if that's the case, why wouldn't he confess?”, Hasebe asks. Taki still doesn't look at him.  
“Klaus did not confess because my orders were given to him confidentially”

Taki's eyes meet mine.  
There is sweet ardor and bitter pain in them, the blue of his eyes seemingly dull but I can see the gleaming passion within their depths.  
“Everything Klaus has done, has been according to my will”

Hasebe has nothing to say to that. I feel his stare boring into Taki and myself in nothing but disbelief, but it doesn't matter.

My mind and heart are racing to understand Taki's words. Everything I have done… has been according to his will…

Again, the meaning implied in his words is one I cannot accept. I want to run from it, not ready to face it.  
But again, I have nowhere to run but to him.

A blur of green passes before my eyes and then I feel the lingering warmth of Taki's body engulfing my own.  
My vision is blurry, but I don't need to see clearly anymore.  
I don't need to see him; I feel him.  
I feel his arms around me, holding me close.

I never thought I could be comforted like this, all the pain in my heart and body just leaving me. I'm cold, but he's warming me right up.  
There is nothing to fear.

“You endured well, my Knight”, he murmurs.  
His gloved hand runs through my hair. I rest my forehead against his shoulder and inhale his warmth and sweetness.  
My mind is swimming. Darkness wrapping around me like a blanket; a warm embrace.  
If it's Taki, I will accept it all. Come darkness, come cold, I won't fight it.

I open my eyes, unsure when I'd shut them and press myself into his warmth, his knee against my body, his arms around me, his hand in my hair.  
I feel my hands dragging on the ground and blink a few times. When was I unshackled? When was the coat pulled aside to free my hands?  
When did Taki's gloves disappear?  
It doesn't matter.

Taki's warmth, his sweet scent engulf me and take me away from this cell. I am not hurt, I am not broken. I am nothing but a teenager in a distant country, falling in love with a boy.  
Before I even truly knew what this kind of love was, I felt it.  
And when I found him again, I knew it.  
For him alone I would give all I had and go beyond the sky and back.

I lift my hand, ignoring the bursting pain in my shoulder and hold his fingers with mine, bringing the back of his hand to my lips.

I feel all strength fade from my body.  
I'd warn Taki, but I cannot speak a word, my throat tight and my breath shallow.

My knee and thigh collide with the ground.

Then my chest is pressed into warmth…

Bitter sweet comforting warmth…

Sweet warmth…

Taki…

 

… dull throbbing pain, like a distant voice… a rustle in my ears, warm wind caressing my cheeks…  
Voices…

A warm touch to my lips, my cheek… fingers running through my hair…

Voices.

Warmth. A firm and heavy body, smooth and soft… hot fingertips caressing my temple.

“Eurotean vehicle is attempting an...” the rustle in my ears returns as my hair is being stroked “three, a former military supply line”

I try to open my eyes.

I see a blur of white and pink right in front of me. I blink a few times.  
The pink and white withdraws.

“Our outpost confirmed that a D68-type engine broke past Eurote's railway troops at the Ostland-Kirnakov fork at 6:38 pm today”

I see white before me, but I'm warm. I am safe, despite the pain.  
Taki's scent is right here.

“Before long it will cross the Eurotean national border and enter No man's land” - “Wait a minute, doesn't the same railway 3 that runs through No man's land also tie into our own military rail lines and pass dead center through our territory?”

“Regardless of whether they are our allies or not, forcibly entering our territory through No man's land is something we cannot tolerate”, Taki says.  
He's right here.

“Why haven't Eurote's railway troops handled this on their own? Did they say anything about that?”

“We did send an inquiry to Eurote, but we have gotten no reply except for the confirmation of that train's identification code being 'RYT' which means that this train belongs to Eurotean royalty”

Taki shifts.  
“Has this been reported to our own headquarters?”, he asks.

“It has, but we have yet to receive a reply”

Taki stills for a moment. I want to hold him here; want him to soothe me back to sleep. But he shifts again and withdraws his legs from under the blanket. I gaze at him as he stands from the bed and walks away.  
“2nd Lieutenant Suguri, please take care of Klaus”, Taki says. I can't see him anymore without moving my head.  
I try to, but it's too heavy. Whenever I try to engage the muscles in my neck and shoulders throbbing pain stabs through my chest and shoulder.

“Make preparations within five minutes. Assemble the intelligence officers in command”, Taki commands firmly.  
I listen for his footsteps as they go further and further away from me.

Somebody makes a surprised sound.

“What's wrong?”, Suguri asks.  
“Ah, it's nothing” Uemura…? Maybe… “It's just that I could smell a sweet fragrance when Taki-sama passed by, despite the scent of blood lingering in the air”

My instincts pull me back to full awareness.  
Possessiveness and jealousy spike in my mind even though I know my place here. By Taki's side as the only Knight he'll ever have.

Maybe it's due to the drugs in my system, maybe it's due to the injury, laming me; but I my anger doesn't bubble up as it used to.

I remember so clearly how much it had hurt – not only the injury – when Taki rejected me in favor of 2nd Lieutenant Moriya. It was like a panicked animal had gone wild within me when he touched Taki and lowered him to the ground.

I hear water splashing and dripping and can't help but remember Taki's warm hands, gently cleaning my wound.  
I want to put my hand over my shoulder, but my fingers only twitch lamely when I try to lift my arm.

“2nd Lieutenant, could you freshen up the water for me please?”, Taki asks softly.

“Five minutes then”, Suguri says in a resigned voice.

Taki sits on the edge of the bed as the door shuts. I pull my strength together and turn on my back to look at him.

He sits there, shirt wide open to expose his pale chest. I up at his face.  
“You're awake”, he murmurs almost regretfully.  
His expression is soft and tender as he reaches up to dab some sweat off my cheek with a handkerchief.  
“How much of that did you hear?”, he asks and I notice how his hand lingers, how he deliberately brushes my cheek with his fingers rather than the cloth.

I open my mouth, trying to will my vocal chords to cooperate, but I barely get a hoarse croak past my lips.  
“If you cannot talk, don't push yourself”, Taki soothes quickly, looking displeased at my condition.  
He's just too sweet.

I reach out with my left hand and pull him down on top of me.  
He yelps in surprise, catching himself with his arms, but I try to pull him closer.  
His belly presses into my abdomen as he allows me to pull him further down until his face is just a few centimeters from mine.  
I keep my hand on the small of his back – noticing how small his waist still is – and cradle the back of his head with the other.

I inhale and swallow.  
“Did you… end up dirty like this because you were holding me”, I start and listen to Taki's breath as he turns his face from mine. I remove my hand from the back of his head and brush his lips with my fingertips instead as he refuses to say anything to me. So I finish my sentence: “all night long?”

For a few breaths he stays where he is, nervously avoiding my eyes. I feel the frantic beating of his heart through his chest.  
And I feel the heat of his body.

He then sits up swiftly and smacks my hand away.  
“Hands off”

“You still have a fever”, I notice, guilt spreading through my chest and choking me.

“Your body… is it still… bad?”, I ask, trying not to stammer while my throat constricts.

“I'm fine”, he says dismissively, but I can see in his expression, he's saying it for my sake. Just like he told me back then about No man's land, about the holy land that was promised to his ancestors long ago. He spoke about it with that same pained expression; he spoke for me.

“Taki”, I call out and grab his wrist, “be careful. This smells like trouble”, I say. What I heard as I was waking up, an Eurotean train entering No man's land; the identification code for royalty; silence from HQ… it all smells fishy.

Taki lowers his gaze, looking at my hand on his wrist in silent contemplation.

I want to hold him back, keep him safe, far away from those Eurotean creeps. I don't want them to see him, not like this.

I tighten my grip on his wrist and he looks at my face.  
“Pass auf euch auf, Taki; jetzt wo ich euch nicht beschützen kann”, I say.

His expression softens.  
“Heile jetzt. Alle hier sind bereit mich zu verteidigen und für mich zu kämpfen”, he says and pulls away. And I don't hold him back.

I smile as he turns to leave. I want to laugh out loud and dance. I want to share rose tea with him and cook for him, I want to fool around and just laugh.  
I want to watch the town twinkle at night, walk through wet grass and wipe raindrops from his cheeks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Notes: Wow… this is probably the first _truly happy_ moment in all of SaL. I was in tears when I wrote this last paragraph.
> 
> Translations:  
> Pass auf euch auf, Taki; jetzt wo ich euch nicht beschützen kann – Keep yourselves safe, Taki; now that I can't protect you (both) (a callback to chapter 14)
> 
> Heile jetzt. Alle hier sind bereit mich zu verteidigen und für mich zu kämpfen – Heal now. Everyone here is ready to defend me and fight for my sake. (Taki's German is _sliiiightly_ icky, but that's on purpose. I just love the thought of his soft voice, speaking German with a slight accent.
> 
> I hope you liked this chapter even if it's very short and thank you for reading!
> 
> AND here is an important note from me: BumbleFree, the owner of this account. So chapter 27 of Tenkamchi's fic here sadly lost some pages, so she will need a break because that is the absolute worst that can happen to an author. I speak out of experience. T-T It might take longer for next chapters to be up.


	24. Chapter 24

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note: My dear readers, thank you for waiting – I still haven’t really recovered from the loss of my pages, so I can’t promise that chapters will be coming soon, but I am trying to work on SaL again.  
> That aside, I thought I’d give you all a present for Christmas (Even though my family and me don’t celebrate it, but that doesn’t matter)
> 
> I hope you enjoy this chapter!

When Suguri comes back, he looks at me like I just insulted his mother. I can't pay any attention to that now.  
With my mind clearing up from the drug haze, I'm starting to re-think the words I heard as I woke up.  
An Eurotean train is about to invade Taki's territory, and it seems to be carrying royalty. This is a political maneuver, not a military strategy.  
But what purpose could it possibly have?

My gut feels like a heavy stone inside me. This _really_ doesn't feel good.  
The timing just feels so specific.  
Taki's resources are almost exhausted, his pregnancy cannot be concealed anymore, I'm out of commission and winter is close.

Also, their decision to enter the country via No man's land feels like it has a certain purpose. An insult?  
But isn't Eurote Taki's ally? Well, the worst kind of ally, but an ally nonetheless.

Suguri is sitting next to my bed, cutting up gauze with a pair of scissors that look like he could stab me to death if I make one wrong move.  
I remain silent and keep thinking.

I remember Taki's words, when we were on the train where this all started. His voice, so soft and gentle, while he gazed out the window like he was looking at a long-lost love. I remember thinking he looked so damn beautiful back then. Youthful and strong.  
When I look at him now, he looks so worn out and tired. Still strong, but with a different taste to it. More desperate, more forced.

Is it just the war, or is it my doing? Pushing him this far?

I think I know the answer, and I hate myself for it.

It doesn't sit right with me to have let Taki go.  
Again I wish I had held him back, kept him by my side, far away from Eurote's schemes. But he went, because he had to.  
Because No man's land is on the line.

No man's land. Niemandsland…

Whenever it's mentioned, it's like looking at a bad wound and wondering how it came to be. Who did it, why, how?  
The intel I had been given was nowhere enough to piece it together. Sure, a devastating loss had taken place there, rendering the land unusable, but why is there such a sense of… violation and dishonor connected to it?

“Doc”, I murmur.  
He doesn't respond. I know he hates me with a passion.  
“Will Taki go to No man's land himself?”, I ask, and suddenly he does look at me. He looks shocked at the mere thought of letting Taki go there, sharing my sentiment.  
“No. Nobody in their right mind would allow that”, he mutters, aggressively cutting the gauze.  
I nod.  
I'm glad. It seems like they finally begin to see Taki as more than just their commander, worrying about him and his unborn child more.  
“I don't want anyone from Eurote seeing him… like this”, I murmur to myself.  
“Me neither”, Suguri agrees.  
I look at him.  
“I don't want him to be touched by their impurity. He's been tainted more than enough”, he growls. I know. I avert my eyes and look at a bloody spot on the blanket that's been put over me.  
I'll have to wash out my sheets.

“Eurote has never given a damn about purity and honor. It's superstition to them”, Suguri says. He doesn't even need to put an emphasis on it. I hear the accusation in his words loud and clear.

I try to understand it; try not to let my guilt weigh me down now.  
Eurote is unclean, I get that. They don't restrain themselves with thoughts of honor and purity, charging into battle with reckless abandon. To them loss itself is a violation and thus, any means one takes to avoid loss is seen as acceptable.  
It gives them an advantage, making them particularly vicious enemies.

I understand this mentality, because it's similar to the Western way of thinking.  
Although we have our own set of moral rules.

The idea that every man has the responsibility to make his life worth living, lest he be wasting the gift he's been given is strong in our culture.  
Mother thought like that. So when she was given the chance to be a pilot, she took it and refused to let go.  
Uncle Hartmann thinks like that too.

Actually, I think, Grandpa was the only one who didn't think like that. He thought that life did have it's own meaning, that one should strive to live one's life, trying to discover that meaning.  
The landmark, the sweet prize that awaited us at the end of our journey…

“It's not so much that they don't care about it, it just doesn't hold the same value”, I mumble, remembering Suguri's words. I'm not sure whom I'm defending here. Myself or Eurote. Maybe both.  
“There's other things that hold more value than purity. There are other ways of loosing one's honor than being tainted, as you'd put it”, I say.

“You sure are an expert on that”, Suguri murmurs sarcastically. I brush it off.  
“No, I mean, the culture places value on other things”, I continue. As a spy and agent I have had no other choice but to familiarize myself with other cultures and mentalities.  
“You believe there is an essence to every person's being, right? Something given by the gods, for each person to hold onto and value”  
Suguri glances at me. He doesn't disagree.  
“My country, for example sees it differently. We are born as blank canvasses, and every person has to paint their own meaning in life onto their own canvas”

He frowns at that.  
“And what about the land itself?”, he asks, lowering the scissors for a moment, “Is it just earth to walk on?”  
“For some, yes. I think of it as the paint on our canvasses, if that makes sense”, I answer.  
Suguri picks up the scissors again.

“In our mind, the land itself is… a person, a deity of sorts. Since it can't defend itself, it's our duty to protect it”, Suguri sighs.  
“That actually sounds a lot like what Eurote thinks”, I notice. I have worked with Eurotean people in the past, and it's strangely comforting to be able to remember these things.  
People I betrayed, people I fought.  
People I lost.

“Only in their mind, nature itself has agency. So if old grandpa Winter is pissed off at you, he'll fuck you up with blizzards and such”, I say with a smile tugging at my lips.  
Grandpa Winter… It sounds so silly, even today.

I laughed so hard when I heard it for the first time.

Suguri furrows is brows in surprise.  
“No man's land is impure land. It has been tainted beyond saving. No pure being should touch it, lest they be tainted themselves”, he murmurs after a while.  
In his mind, Taki is still pure, I realize. He won't let the truth come through, he won't admit it.  
Is that why I'm still alive? Is that why he hasn't stabbed me with those scissors yet?

I stare at the ceiling for a while, remembering the roof of the train instead, Taki's voice in my ears.

“Impure land?”, I ask finally, turning my head back to Suguri, “Taki didn't say anything like that.”  
Suguri lowers the scissors again.  
“He said it's a sacred place he has to protect”, I add. Taki's thoughts seem oddly familiar, now that I learned more about their view on things. Stuff that boring documents, written by Western scholars never could have taught me.  
“A sacred place?”, Suguri echoes, “That isn't wrong either.” The words come out as an exhausted sigh.  
“The land known as No man's land is the sixty thousand square kilometer area between our country and Eurote”, he murmurs.  
“It's climate is warm and humid, making it an especially beautiful part of the Reizen-family's territory”  
Suguri's voice drops lower. I understand it's an attempt to suffocate the emotion within his voice, and it's strangely unsettling.  
“In order to open an ocean route for the Western Alliance it was invaded…” I hear no accusation in Suguri's voice. Only pain.  
Only that.

“The fighting was bitter”

With only these words, he conjures images before my inner eye, of battles, of blood-soaked soil, of smoke and fire.

“That battle, the one that would force our country into signing the treaty with Eurote… was my first campaign”

I understand why there is no accusation in his words.  
I understand why he speaks in such a soft and pained voice.  
I understand it.

I feel strangely comfortable, knowing that this man has been through such horrors. I see how he can push through his personal feelings of hatred towards me and still treat my wounds with the same care as he'd treat others.  
Because he's seen the raw, human aspect of war.

He's seen soldiers cry for their lives, weeping with no language, with no loyalty and no nationality. United by their fear.

When I look at him now, I don't feel the way I did before. I'm not jealous or angry.

The man who hates me the most, probably understands more of my pain than most others.

“The killed-in-action ratio was 97%” Suguri's voice is cold as ice, “Old men, child soldiers – we couldn't recover their bodies. We fought until there were no soldiers left. Almost our entire force was thrown away for the sake of honor”

He lowers his eyes.  
“Because we had fewer resources, Eurote's strategy was to just wait”

Cold truth. Facts I'd learned years ago.  
Numbers upon numbers, no names. No faces.

Clean numbers, written in black ink, where it should be blood and ash.

I understand it even more now.  
How I'm still alive, how Suguri saw past his hatred.  
Past the belief he was brought up with.

Because he has seen the insanity brought upon by blind belief in honor and divine fate.

“The land became a hellscape”, he mutters, “The reason why it was defended almost to the last man, was because the ancestor of the Reizen-family is resting there”

I almost hold my breath.

“It's said that this land was chosen from among all others, for the gods to drift ashore. It was the promised land”

I remember stories, I remember words… I remember one beautiful face.  
I remember Taki's voice, speaking like he felt the earth's pain in his own body.

Maybe there _is_ more truth to the idea of that divine touch than I thought. More than just a strong belief.  
Maybe he truly felt that pain, because that deity was touching him in that very moment.

Maybe I'm more drugged up than I initially thought.

 

I say nothing.

Suguri is silent too. He redresses my wounds and when he's done he walks over to the window.

I grit my teeth, unhappy and angry.  
I know for a fact that Taki won't hesitate to defend No man's land by himself if he has to. I know for how much he obsesses over the future, this one piece of history is too important for him to sacrifice.  
So he'll fight.

And I can't let him do that.

What's more, is the certainty that the soldiers around him will cave to his will, because they feel the same.

 

That's why I'm here, as a soldier; that's why Taki chose to learn at Luckenwalde.  
Because both of us have a way of seeing things from a different angle.  
Only Taki still is too deeply connected to his own country and culture to look past that.

Unlike me.

“It's snowing”, Suguri notes.

I push myself up into a sitting position and immediately regret it. God, that man Hasebe knows no restraint.  
Shit.

“2nd Lieutenant”, I start. He looks back at me, and I know he understands me.  
“Captain Wolfstadt”, he murmurs and frowns.  
“Give me something so I can move around”

He shakes his head.  
“You need to rest. Taki-sama will handle the situation, and nobody will allow him to be harmed”, he assures, but I shake my head.  
“None of you guys can truly put everything on the line, unlike me”, I insist.  
“Taki-sama won't...” I cut him off, “Especially Taki”

Suguri looks at me with contempt and discomfort, because he knows I'm right.  
“I'm asking for Taki's sake. Nothing else”, I say.

He caves soon enough, pulling out vials of morphine, and amphetamines. He doses me, refusing to let me leave before the effects kick in.  
The stuff barely kicks in and he doses me again, getting close to overdosing me, but hey, he won't be sad if I keel over.  
“The effectiveness of the morphine is poor”, he notes, “The amphetamines too”  
When he looks at me, I believe I can see concern behind the glare.  
“This isn't the first time you've used them.” It's not a question.

I close my eyes.  
“… it's not that easy”, I murmur, “to make my body forget”

Before my closed eyes I see the horizon, gray sky and gray grass, and nothing else for miles and miles.  
“I've been starving for so long, living only to fill the bottomless hunger…” I swallow dryly, “that eating or drinking can only touch for an instant”  
I see the endless sky, graying clouds sprawling across the white sheet that is the sky.  
“Only that… momentary taste of life”, I murmur. I can almost smell the smoke and kerosene, I can hear the shrill screams of engines pushed to the very limit.  
“… that's all, really”, say, staring at my hands. Hands that would clutch the joystick with desperate precision.  
“… just the instinctual emptiness ingrained so deeply into my body – it's driving me, even now”  
“Is that what you crave from Taki-sama too?”, Suguri asks.  
And maybe he's right.  
No, he probably definitely is.

“Is that the only reason why you broke our flower? Even though to Taki-sama, your body is nothing but a dangerous weapon?”

All the more reason to send me on this mission.

There's all sorts of ruckus going on in the conference room. I can hear Taki's voice clearly, calling Azusa's name.  
That other omega…  
“I'm half eurotean, even if anything happens to me, it'll be fine” - “Azu-” Something cuts off Taki's voice.  
“Please, for everyone's sake, bear with it and give me the order”

When I push through the guards into the conference room, everything falls silent.  
“If somebody from this country can't go, then fine”, I start, leaning against the door frame with my good shoulder, “use me”

Every single person in the room looks horrified.

Taki more than anyone.

“No way, you are still injured!”, he insists.  
“I'm on my feet, I can make it”, I assure him. Suguri reluctantly pulled out the hard stuff; stuff my body soaks up like a sponge.

If Taki knew, he'd probably cry. But this has to be done.  
“Guys, I'll do it, okay?”, I ask into the room, knowing they'll be fine with it. None of them have seen me like Taki has, and none of them are attached to me in any way.  
So even if I do keel over halfway through the mission, nobody will be sad.

Also, lets be real, none of them believe that Azusa could make it on his own here.

No disrespect, but even Taki only made it through the training because I took extra care of him, massaging and washing his feet after marching, feeding him properly, making sure nobody picked on him…

In the end, it's no surprise that almost everyone in the room agrees to putting Azusa and me on the mission.

 

I go to my shed to grab a clean shirt and such, only to find it all in ruins.  
“What a disaster...”, I murmur to myself.  
Somebody searched the place.  
Well, of course, they did suspect me for being a spy.

Thankfully I don't make stupid mistakes, like keeping important information in physical form anywhere where people might find it.  
That's why I drill most information that I can't justify having in my posession into my brain.

I look around the place that was my 'home' here and catch a glimpse of a book.  
I crouch on the ground and pick it up.

 _Tieger im Schlamm_ , a book we had to read at Luckenwalde. Mostly as a cautionary tale, because often autobiographical literature hits closer than history books ever could.  
It was one of the few moments, one of the few classes that chose to remind us of our human nature. Because so many teachers preferred to make us into machines; feeding us numbers and printed out strategies.  
Improvisation, empathy and such were rarely encouraged.

I remember sitting next to Taki, who was struggling to follow along. Reading and speaking are two different things, I know that well.  
He was good with verbal communication, but reading western letters at a fast pace was still difficult for him.

I thumb through the pages of my book. There it is, Taki's small scribble.  
 _Danke Schön_

I remember I wrote a small note in his book, when we went over Otto Carius' “accomplishments”, noting a minor detail there. I don't even remember what exactly I wrote.  
But I remember how Taki reached over, across my chest to write on the corner of my book, in his clean, cute handwriting.  
The letters showing clearly that he's not used to the way of writing. I remember helping Maria and Reiner with their schoolwork, when they first learned to write and read.  
This kind of child-like handwriting… I don't even know why, but it was so endearing somehow to see Taki write like that.

Because it wasn't elegant handwriting, but unrefined and tense.

“Klaus!”

There he is, a whirlwind of anger. I turn around and look at him.  
He didn't even put on his coat!

His breath comes out in little puffs of condensation.  
Is it really this cold?  
I guess I don't feel much of that right now.

“I didn't give you permission!”  
He's shaking. From cold, or anger? Maybe both… I turn back to the book, picking it up as I stand.  
“I think I'm qualified”, I say and place the book on the table that wasn't kicked over, “and the others seemed to be fine with it too”

He's silent.  
I look back at him with a smirk. “It's not okay?”

I can almost see the sparks flying from his eyes, even without looking at him directly.  
“But you are still injured…!”, he yells.

Does any of it matter though?  
“You know”, I start, “this pure and impure thing is too complicated. I don't get it”

I do understand enough though to know, that I'm the only one who _can_ and _should_ go there. So stop fighting it, Taki.  
Please.

I kick the wall, trapping him in place with my foot pressed against the wall next to his shoulder.

He flinches, instinctively pressing himself against the wood, as if he could be safer from me like that.

When he finally looks at me, there is betrayal and disappointment in his eyes.  
Good. I deserve no more than that.  
Let me do this Taki. I won't be there to harm you anymore, and you'll be able to have your perfect Alpha husband.

I don't believe I'm thinking this, but I guess Taki is right in this matter. Sometimes you gotta put up with crap, so there will be less of it in the future.  
Even if I won't be around to witness that future.

“Time's short. Hurry up”

He looks at me, like he truly believed in me after what I've done; like this is such a surprise.

“Wha- a-at a time like this, you want… ?!”

No time, Taki. None.  
Just let it happen.

I press his back into the wall, undoing his tie and when he tries to twist away, I pull him to the ground.  
Understand, Taki. You don't want a man like me!  
This is the only way I can own you, now send me away! Fight me off, tell me to get lost, come on!

But he tries to run away, tries to avoid it, like he so desperately _doesn't_ want to hate me, even though he should.  
I did something unforgivable to you, Taki.

I'm the same man who did that to you, face it!

He twists around in my arms, trying to push me away. I bite back a hiss when he pushes up against my shoulder with his hand.

And suddenly he pulls away.

He stops resisting, despite his evident fear and anger.  
No… it fades.

All that's left is an empty shell, all the anger gone. All that's left is sadness and fear. Hot tears.

Come on, Taki…  
“What's wrong?”, I ask, even though I know the answer. “Done resisting already?”

He's crying, looking like he's in so much pain, but he turns away from me.  
How much more do I have to do, before you turn on me, Taki?!  
Just say it, say you hate me, so you can send me away.  
It has to happen, Taki.

Don't make it so hard, please…

“Okay”, I growl, tearing away his shirt, before undoing his pants and sliding them down his legs, “then open yourself to me”

His body warms under my touch, thighs soft under my hands, not resisting at all.  
Not anymore.

He winces when I push my hand between his legs and reach down. He cuts himself off every time he tries to tell me _no_.  
He hides his face with both arms, biting back his resistance with all his might.

Even though he's crying.

“Don't hide your face”, I say and pull away his wrists. “Undress completely and spread your legs”

He stares at me with broken eyes and I let him go.  
Now, push me away. Come on.

He looks at me, like everything he's ever believed in is crumbling before his eyes, torn between shaking his head in disbelief and staring at me accusingly.  
Panting and sobbing.

But he pushes himself up on his arms and undresses.

I can only stare at him in disbelief.

He does as I tell him.

Why.  
Taki, god… why?!  
Why won't you hate me after everything I did to you… why.

I'm not even angry anymore or anything like that. I can't… put it into words.

The weirdest sense of pride and possessiveness spread in my chest, while the guilt makes me wanna throw up.

He truly looks like a broken doll, sitting before me naked and spread open.  
I look past his belly because I can't face it. If I do, I'll hesitate.

It's for you, little child, even if you'll never know me.

It's probably better like this.

I reach between his legs, reprimanding him when he tenses up in resistance.  
When I look at him, I can still see the injuries I caused.  
I see the sore, red flesh. Not wet at all.

I press my thumb against it, and Taki starts to fight at last.  
“Stop… !”, he fists my hair, trying to push me back, “Don't!”  
I bend down lower, kissing his left thigh, then his right.

I'll never forget it. This scent, this taste… so sweet. So addicting… riling me up and soothing me at the same time.

I'm happy when I pull back.  
If I can remember this until the end, it'll be fine.

It's all gonna be okay now.

I toss his shirt over him and smile.  
“After all, I guess...” I start and look at him. At the pain in his eyes, “my hunger for you”, his eyes widen, “is filthy too”

_And again, all I see is betrayal and disappointment._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note: I struggled with this one, let me tell you… (sorry Maz you had to listen to me whine all evening) I feel like this is one of my lesser chapters, but I hope you still enjoy it somehow.
> 
> I also hope you liked my attempt at describing Western/Eurotean and Oriental understanding of nature and philosophy. It will become somewhat important in later chapters, so I had to get this in there…
> 
> Also, Tieger im Schlamm is an IRL book that was written by Otto Carius, a Nazi.  
> I don’t think the book in the Manga is actually Tieger im Schlamm, but it mentions the name Otto Carius, hence why I decided to draw this connection.
> 
> Thanks for reading, I'll try to be better next time...


	25. Chapter 25

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Notes: Happy (belated) new year, everyone! I hope your year 2018 has started out well thus far, and I hope you’ll continue to have a good year, and maybe SaL will continue to be a part of it^^  
> Thank you for your support and loyalty thus far, I hope I’ll be able to write enjoyable chapters for you in the future!  
> I’ve resumed work with writing, despite being sick and back at university… so chapters will keep coming as before, I hope.
> 
> Enjoy!

He scrambles to his feet and his hand shoots out like a whip. His nails graze my cheek, pain flaring up for a moment, before I feel the faint tickle of a blood-drop running down my face.  
I take a stagger-step back, almost dizzy for a moment.

When I turn my gaze towards him again, he's got tears in his eyes, panting and looking at me with anger and much more pain.

He's ready to send me off.

I know he's ready, when he slumps against the wall, his face hidden behind his hair. All I can see is him, biting his lip, clenching his teeth.  
He's standing there, looking so damn miserable, holding his shirt in his arm, just over his belly.

But it's good. It's okay now.

I'll grab a shirt now, take that book with me and leave him. I step towards the table where I left the book, and he flinches, as tough I was going to strike him. He closes his eyes and presses his back against the wall.

I won't. Not anymore, Taki. I promise.

I pick up the book, from the table right beside his hip, and it feels strangely heavy in my hand.  
His eyes follow the movement of my hand, like I'm wielding a weapon. When I withdraw I smile at him as earnestly as I can.  
“Don't worry”, I say, feeling the skin burn uncomfortably where he scratched me when I talk, “I'm not gonna touch your body anymore”, I promise.

He looks at me in disbelief.

I cannot linger here, or else he'll draw me back in. I walk away, pick up a shirt from a fallen chair and put it on as I go to the supply office to get some gear for the mission.

It's probably hella cold by now, I see soldiers and officers running around with coats and heavy gloves, while I strut down to the supply office in pants and a shirt.  
It's not like it'll hurt me anymore, to be honest.

The cut that Taki hasn't been able to make all this time, I know it now, and I made it for him.

I grab an overall and a coat, along with gloves and holsters for weapons, ammunition and such and go to get my motorcycle.  
She's a bit dirty and slightly dented from the last battle, where a detonation blew the kid and me away, toppling the bike in the dirt. Thankfully it didn't fall on top of us, or else I'd be there with a broken leg or something like that, instead of a scrape on my shoulder.  
Maybe this whole catastrophe wouldn't have happened in the first place like that. But maybe it had to happen.

I'm not one to believe in fate or crap like that.  
 _Yeah, keep telling yourself that, Wolfstadt…_

But who's to say that it really isn't fate. I know I'm just trying to justify things now. My brain obviously isn't to hot for the idea of going off to die, basically.  
And even if I don’t die, I have nowhere else to go.  
Eurote will kill me on the spot, so will the Western Alliance, and Taki's country will shake it's head at me saying no with a fake sad face.  
So, there's that.

I put on the overall and coat before going to the gate with the bike, ready to go. While I wait I fasten the straps on my clothes, securing the gloves around my wrists so they don't slide off by accident.  
Since these coats and such are not tailored to any one soldier, they have more wiggle room than something specifically made for one person.  
Thats why everything has to be fastened.  
Not exactly an easy task to accomplish with a busted right shoulder, but who am I to complain here.

I gotta say, I'm mostly amazed they actually _had_ a coat and overall in my size. Lets say my size isn't exactly the standard here.  
Maybe I was taken into account when this stuff was ordered and delivered.

The thought does make my chest warm a little.

But it won't help the ache in my cheek when I pull the strap around my wrist tighter with my teeth.

“What's wrong with your cheek?”, Suguri asks.  
That demon, always asking the questions that hurt the most. He's got keen senses, I gotta give him that. He hated me more than anyone here, knowing just how much harm I would do to Taki.  
Ah, I deserve this.  
I smile.  
“It's nothing – just banged it a little”, I lie.

He won't have any of my bullshit.  
Of course.

He pushes a package towards me.  
“Here. It's three days' worth”, he says, glaring at me still. I find myself frowning for a moment.  
I don't intend on surviving that long, to be honest, but I'll take it, fine.  
“I don't even need one day's worth”, I say.  
“Just take it”, Suguri insists, still glaring at me with hatred. I sigh.  
“Alright. Just a good-luck charm then”, I murmur, taking the package and tucking it into a pocket on my coat.  
Suguri shoves his hands into the pockets of his coat, pointedly turning away from me.  
“It lasts for 6, up to 8 hours from onset. It'll help you recharge once your batteries go dead”, he summarizes.  
I've had this before, I know this stuff well.  
I feel nostalgic, almost. Leaving for a deadly mission with the first snow barely covering the ground yet. Death and snow, huh…

“But you'll get used to the effects quickly and need higher doses at shorter intervals”, Suguri warns, looking at me again.  
“Without self control it becomes ineffective fast”

I ignore the warning, picking out more ammo from the cardboard box next to me to stuff it into the designated pocket on my belt.  
“Thanks”

Suguri has seen the lackluster effects of both drugs on me. He knows that stuff and I have some history together.  
And just like scars fade slowly, some memories remain as well. Like how I hunger, how my stomach twists and turns at the thought of snow and blood.

Like how marching feels oddly comforting to me, despite the ache in my thighs.

“You shouldn't be thanking me”, Suguri grunts and turns away.  
“2nd Lieutenant… If Taki…”, I start but he cuts me off.  
“I wouldn't say anything, even if you didn't ask”, he starts walking. “Taki-sama hates it when his soldiers use this type of drug”  
I hear clearly his extra emphasis on the honorific suffix on Taki's name, and I find myself huffing out a laugh.  
“Sure sounds like Taki”, I murmur.  
Taki is the kind of person who'd push through anything, by any means he deems just. And he expects the same from his soldiers, who are more than willing to do just that, if only he tells them to. If only he kneels by their side, smiling at them to take away their fear. A siren. Persuasive but not forceful.

“Dangerous”, I murmur, taking two bullets from the pocket on my belt to load my gun. It's too early, but I don't care.  
“Reckless…”, I pull back the safety on my gun, feeling a smile on my lips. I remember the soft warmth of Taki's thighs, how his skin tasted when I kissed them. How he smelled so sweet. It'll be fine from now on.  
I'll be gone, and he'll be safe. Pure, impure, whatever. I should have always known, that I'm the speck of dirt, the one tainting him.  
Even at Luckenwalde…  
“… so fuckin' pure it hurts”

“Until an order for a mission is given, loaded weapons are strictly prohibited, Klaus”

I look up from my gun, dumbfounded in what I see.  
Once again, like a whirlwind of anger, he comes to find me.  
Why, Taki…

Suguri clearly didn't expect him here either.

But Taki walks up in front of me, eyes tender despite the frown on his face.  
“What are you doing?”, he asks, expertly hiding the fact that he's out of breath, “I haven't given you two permission to go on the sortie”

I stare at him stupidly.  
He has no reason to hold me back. None.

He finally pushed me away, didn't he?!  
“But you…!”, I try, but he cuts me off. “So?”  
He doesn't look at me when I try to read his expression, coming even closer instead.  
“Explain yourself immediately, and formally ask me to allow you to go on the mission”

He stands before me, still so tiny he has to look up at me, yet so powerful. This is the same alley cat that defeated a dozen men, alphas and betas, with nothing but a mop. This is the lord and commander, a man for whom twenty thousand men would happily march into their death.

And I am one of them.  
I'm just another man before him.

“I won't have anything stolen from me”, he says. He's strict, but not angry. There is no rage or fury in his voice.  
Nothing but controlled strength.  
“My land. My pride. My wish.” His eyes glow with untamed passion. “I won't allow anyone to disgrace me like that”

He slips off the glove from his right hand.  
“Not Eurote. Not the brass”, he holds out his hand before me, “And not you, Klaus”

No… I'm not just a man.

He's made his decision. Who am I to think that I'd have any say in it anymore?  
I am his and his alone.  
His one and only Knight.

His possession, until he lets me go.

I grab his fingers gently and he grips mine.  
I bow before him to kiss his knuckles. The same hand that struck me earlier, with such a small touch calls me back to my senses.  
Reminds me of my position, of who I am.

I relax finally, inhaling his scent, and kneel before him.

“Come”, I murmur into his hand, “Release me into the field then...”  
When I look up at him, his expression is tender.  
“My Master”

I see the sadness and fear, as much as the passion and conviction in his eyes now. He's not shutting me out anymore.  
All I must do, is listen to the silent voice, only meant for me to hear.  
His grip on my hand remains as strong as before. He's not faltering, he's not letting me go just yet.  
I close my eyes and press my nose into the back of his hand, inhaling once more.  
“The call of your voice…” I murmur as I exhale, “is my everything”

“Will you grant me my wish?”, he asks softly, and I know this isn't about the war. This isn't about one mission.

“On my name as your Knight...” his grasp on my hand loosens, “I swear it”  
I let him go.

Taki puts his glove back on and turns to face Suguri.  
“Anything else concerning his injuries?”  
Suguri lowers his head.  
“Nothing noteworthy, Taki-sama”, he says. Taki nods once, before turning towards chamberlain Hasebe.  
“2nd Lieutenant Azusa should be here soon as well”, he says, visibly unhappy.  
“Should I go fetch him?”, Hasebe asks.  
“Please”  
“Very well, Taki-sama”, he says and leaves quickly.

Taki looks back at me.  
“Grand chamberlain Hasebe will inform you on the details on this mission”, he says, almost smiling at my eye roll.  
He knows I'm not exactly best friends with that guy.

He then walks past me, leaving me with the sweet scent of flowers and a promise.

 

More and more soldiers pour through the gate, readying everything for the raid. Taki is flipping off the general with both hands right now, by setting things in motion here.  
Soldiers are on edge.

I straddle my bike and get ready, waiting for my sidekick and for Taki's order.

Murakumo moves out, coming to a halt by my side. Taki shows up soon, climbing on top of the tank with some difficulty.  
I really don't want to see him jumping up and down this monster, but I know he won't listen to me right now.

Instead I try to figure out some more details. That's the only way I can protect him now.  
“It's too late to back down from a fight with HQ now, isn't it?”, I start, glancing up at him.  
He leans on the rim of the hatch, looking across the organized chaos.  
“That's exactly what I'm going for”, he confirms.

“The train belonging to royalty, the persistent silence from headquarters and the foreign ministry…”, he summarizes, before showing a glimpse of frustration. “I don't know what the brass think they're doing, testing me like this, but from here on out they'll have no choice but to show their true intentions”

He's cornering them.  
Given this situation, with no clear orders or instructions given, that's the best he can do. It's a 50-50 gamble, and he knows it.  
“This is turning into a dangerous game”, I warn him, but he only spares a brief glance for me.  
“It has been from the start”

Of course it has.

I pull out my map to look over the plan once more, mentally drawing in all positions that are known right now.  
Taki turns his attention to his men in the mean time.  
“Split up between the vehicles!”, he commands. I know there will be a whole bunch of people waiting at the bridge that crosses the Najiru river, ready to blow up the train, if Azusa and I fail.

 

“I look forward to working with you!”, calls the omega, huffing slightly.  
“Yeah”, I say, still scanning the map for details, “Hurry up and get in the sidecar”  
“Yes, sir!” He fumbles, behaving awkwardly, like he's never worked with a stranger before. And maybe that's actually true.  
If so – boy, oh boy – we'll have a fucking party here.

I feel his nervous stare on myself and glare at him from the corner of my eye.  
“What? Don't dawdle”, I remind.  
“Y-yes, sir!”, he stutters and continues to load his equipment into the sidecar.

“Hey, Azusa!”, yells the beta suddenly, poking his upper body out from Murakumo's hatch.  
“I don't care about that purity and impurity crap!”, he continues to yell, face flushing red, “So return to us properly!”  
Azusa whips around, staring up at his comrade.  
“Date?!”

“You are Murakumo's only wireless operator! We can't go into combat without you!”, Date keeps yelling, while Azusa's cheeks turn redder and redder.  
“Captain!”, Date now addresses me, “If you expose Azusa to anything dangerous, I'll...” He's cut off when Suguri and Moriya kick him back down inside Murakumo, shutting the hatch on top of him.  
I'm just about to burst out laughing.

“Well, that was ugly”, Suguri scoffs.  
“But it's all been taken care of now, so please don't concern yourselves”, Moriya adds, saluting with his log diary.

I'm starting to understand the dynamic between the trio, Suguri and Taki a little more. It's true, they've spent many years with each other. Time that I have yet to spend with Taki; time that I'm eager to devote to him.

Azusa flails next to me.  
“Hey! Cut it out!”, he yelps, “You're embarrassing me!”  
“That's for sure”, I mutter, before glancing up at Taki.  
Taki looks mostly concerned, but not as serious as usual. I believe I can almost see a fond smile tugging on the corner of his mouth.

Time to get going.  
“We're just going on a mission”, I remind and assure, “We're not going off to die”  
Azusa looks at me like he hadn't thought of this before.

I glance back up at Taki, who finally settled into his war-hardened composure.  
“So, Taki”, I smile as I speak. “Order the strike”

His face softens once more.  
“I have faith in you, my Knight”, he murmurs, before he straightens his back and calls out across the field.  
“All hand, move out!”

I start the bike and with a roar she comes to life, taking off with breathtaking speed.

I reach over Azusa's shoulders and let my gloved fingertips slither along the length of Murakumo. It's a promise.

Once we're past the vehicles and soldiers, I slide down my goggles and pick up the tempo. Like this, it doesn't take us long before we reach the third bridge across Najiru river.  
I steer us onto the bridge, everyone moving out of the way for the bike to pass through. I can see Azusa salute to them from the corner of my eye.  
“Those are army engineers, right?”, he shouts over the bike's noise.  
“Once we've crossed the bridge they'll lay explosives along the track bed”, I shout back.  
“So if we can't stop the train…”, Azusa lets the sentence hang unfinished.  
“They'll take it down here”, I finish.  
Uncertainty won't get you anywhere.  
We have a mission.

We are reaching the end of the bridge when a plank breaks underneath the bike and she jerks. Suddenly the pressure I'm putting on my arm is too much and a flash of pain shoots from my shoulder through my arm.  
Shit.

I hear Azusa say something, but I can't understand him now. I grip my shoulder, as if a touch could calm the pain.  
“Captain, isn't your shoulder injured?!” Azusa yells, looking at me with concern.  
The lie comes naturally.  
“It's nothing!”, I shout back, and grip the handles with both hands again.  
It hasn't even been 6 hours since Suguri last dosed me! How can it be worn off already? Fuck…

Soon we reach the end of the bridge.  
“There's the end of the bridge!”, I shout. Azusa stares out into the distance, while the open field comes closer and closer.  
“Everything beyond this is No man's land!”, I add, just as the bike's wheels touch the impure ground.

And nothing changes.

There is no glow, no pain, no flash of divine wrath. There is only empty land. Gusts of wind stroking the frozen grass.

But I know better.  
There is more to this land than just violated nature.

Here lies Taki's past. Not of his person, but his bloodline, I know that now.  
And I know to acknowledge it.

“Looks like I got here first, Taki”, I murmur, remembering that longing gaze in Taki's eyes as he glanced at the hills of No man's land from his seat on the train.

Azusa is staring out into the distance now, unmoving as if he'd been frozen in shock.  
“What's wrong? You got a problem or what?”, I ask, calling him back from his thoughts.  
He flinches.  
“N-no!”, he quickly says, before staring again.  
“Good”, I murmur.  
I guess it's just the forbidden allure of No man's land, then.

I take us to the water tank where the train is bound to pass and hopefully halt. Once we reach it, I get off the bike and hurry towards the ladder to get an overview.  
“Find something to cover the bike with!”, I shout back at Azusa, who climbed out the sidecar and is now moving the bike out of sight.  
“Yes, sir!”

Good, now quickly up the ladder. I need to get an overview to see if the train is within sight yet. With every rung that I climb up the throbbing pain in my shoulder is getting worse, but nothing I couldn't handle.  
I can still push a little more.

Or so I thought.  
Once I reached the top I hold onto the side of the tank when everything goes white before my eyes and pain flares up in my shoulder, spreading through my arm, my chest, my entire body.  
Shit… fuck, time's up, apparently.  
I barely manage to catch my fall, knees buckling under my weight before the blinding pain let off even a little.  
My heart starts pounding stronger. I'm hot and cold at the same time.

“So soon...” I mutter, pushing myself up on my good arm, so I can sit up against the wall of the tank.  
Suguri was right, my body just eats through the drug like it's known nothing else. And maybe it's kinda true.  
My body clearly remembers this crap.

I take off my gloves.  
“If this was gonna be the result”, I mutter, just to keep my mind working, while I open the pocket and pull out a string and a syringe.  
“I never should have taken this stuff”, I tie off the string around my elbow, pulling it as tight as I can with only one arm, “in the first place!”  
I place the needle with way too much ease.

I see my own veins pulsing way too clearly; when the needle pierces the skin and enters the vein, it's way too precise.  
This isn't the first time.  
This isn't the first time at all…

This shit brought me back from beyond the sky.  
When all my friends had been shot down, enemies on my tail, and nothing left to guide me…

When a gray world started to turn black…

When noise became silence…

“Taki…”


	26. Chapter 26

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Notes: Whoa, loads of German incoming!  
> Well… In the Manga different language are indicated through different fonts. And it just so happens that Berkut is talking in not-japanese.  
> Since he's talking to Klaus specifically, I assume it's German. Imagine a thick russian accent though. (yes, Eurote=Russia, in my mind)
> 
> Enjoy the chapter!

“Captain!”, Azusa calls from down on the ground, carrying the wireless radio like a bag over his shoulder. The bike is nowhere to be seen, so I'll assume he did his job properly.  
But what is he doing, yelling up at me instead of climbing the ladder?  
“What's taking you so long?!”, I ask.  
He looks up and shouts out an apology.  
I'm starting to suspect, that he's one of those highly specialized people, who are excellent at their main job, but utterly fail at anything else.  
“Hurry up here!”, I call.  
“Yes, sir!”, he shrieks and starts climbing.

He seems to struggle, hurrying but also slowing under the weight of his equipment. Don't tell me it's that heavy…  
When he's almost at the top, he stops and pants.  
I can't help but think that Taki would have climbed up swiftly without even breaking a sweat.  
“What are you doing? Taking a nap?”, I ask sarcastically.  
“Sorry… the radio's heavy and…” I grab the strap from Azusa's shoulder and pull up the radio with one arm.  
“Are you _really_ a soldier?”  
“Uh… pretty much…”, Azusa stutters.  
Yeah, no.  
Sorry.

How can he be so much weaker than Taki, when they probably trained together?

Is it because he's an omega? But Taki is just the same.  
I look out at the horizon, scanning for the smoke and headlights of the train, but I don't see anything.  
“I don't see the train yet”, I murmur.  
Azusa scrambles to set up the wireless.  
“I'll call headquarters to let them know we arrived”, he says and slides his headphones over his head.  
I glance at him once more, while he is working the radio before turning back to overlook the expanse of No man's land.  
I can't help but get an eerie feeling. Maybe it's the history attached to this place, maybe it's the drugs, maybe it's something else entirely, but something feels off.  
As much as I hate to confirm it, I gotta say I was always able to trust my instincts.  
I hesitate to say it out loud, but I feel like I need to hear it from myself, to trust my senses.  
“Something doesn't smell right”, I murmur.

I said it earlier to Taki.  
And now, it feels even more urgently wrong.  
I don't like this.

When Azusa finally comes through, he looks at me for a brief moment, before giving our position and current situation.

I feel hunted.

“This is battalion headquarters. Situation confirmed. Bridge closure is complete. There are no problems here”, Taki lists in a practiced, strict voice. But then his voice softens, and I can almost see how his eyes grow warmer when he speaks our names.  
“So Klaus, Azusa; both of you carry out your mission quickly and return to me without fail”  
Azusa almost sniffles for a moment, whispering Taki's name in a heavy voice.  
Among all the soldiers, I can't help but think that he's probably the most attached to Taki. Especially since the truth came out about Taki's secondary gender and pregnancy.  
Maybe it's something between omegas?

I feel the pressure.  
Bring him back unharmed.

I don't want Taki to be seen or touched by Eurote. And he doesn't want Azusa to be tainted by them.

I scan the horizon once more, when a flash of yellowish light catches my eye.  
The train!  
“Here it comes!”, I say and crouch.  
Azusa flinches at my words and tears the headphones off of his head.  
“Shut off communication and turn off the lights!”, I order and squint, following the train with my eyes in an attempt to roughly gauge it's speed.  
It's slowing down, just as expected.  
“Confirm slow-down”, I say and get up on my feet.  
I pull the gun out from the holster and unlock the safety.  
Azusa does the same.

“Return without fail, huh”, I murmur. I'll do my damn best to bring back Taki's omega puppy and stop this train then.  
No big deal, right?  
“Honestly, what a greedy guy you are”

Azusa is staring at the train with nervous eyes.  
“Once the train stops, we take control of the engine room”, I remind him, “We'll go in from above, according to plan”  
“Yes, sir!”

We wait for the train to slow down more and come to a halt. Any moment now, it'll stop. Any moment…

Until it doesn't.

Fuck… what went wrong?!  
“They're not stopping!”, Azusa calls out.  
“Shit, did they suspect something?”, I wonder out loud.

How could they suspect anything though? My stomach feels very, very bad right now. This isn't good. Not at all.  
I'll pull through on my own.

“It can't be helped, I'm gonna jump over. You stay here!”, I yell, getting up already to make the jump.  
“Captain!”, Azusa grabs my wrist and gets up as well.  
“Hey… Azusa?!”  
“I don't know if I'll be much help, but at least I could be your back-up!”, he insists.  
I don't have time to discuss with him now. Shit.  
“I guess it can't be helped then. Just don't get underfoot”, I warn and look back at the train which almost passed by now.  
I try to tell myself this is better. I can keep an eye on him if he's near me, even if he might cause some problems along the way.  
It'll be fine.  
I promised it to Taki.

I hurry to the far end of the tank's roof and pull Azusa with me.  
“We'll take off running to help offset the train's velocity!”, I shout and take a deep breath, “Jump when I do!”  
I start running.  
“Yes, sir!” Azusa follows.

At least he doesn't seem to be hesitant or afraid.  
Good, good… we'll make it.

We run, the edge ever approaching. Don't think now, this has to be all physical, no thought.  
I jump.

My heart is beating hard, my body instinctively panicking at the intense shift. I grab the nearest ledge, knees hitting the roof of the train hard.  
Get a grip. Breathe. Scan surroundings.

Azusa tumbles, unable to catch himself.

I should have known, damn…  
I manage to catch his ankle and stop his fall.  
“Get a grip already!”

Seriously…

Azusa's teary-eyed apology doesn't help either. We are losing time here, no need for curtsies and politeness!  
At this point we'll be spotted before we can react!

“Intruders!” - Fuck.

I pull out my gun on instinct and without even aiming shoot the man who spotted us a few times. One of these shots will hit him, I guess.

We need to get off the roof. But not from here, where there's two sides for enemies to get to us.  
“We'll go in from the deck of the last car!”, I tell Azusa and start running.  
“Yes, sir!”  
This time he manages to follow without stumbling.

“But why not stay on the roof all the way to the front?”, he asks.  
Stupid question.  
No… there are no stupid questions. This guy obviously has never been on a mission like this. So I answer.  
“There's no cover up here and they could gauge our position by the sound of our footsteps! We'd be nothing but target practice”

When we reach the rear, I take out the one guard standing there and swing down from the roof, kicking him off the train.  
Azusa follows with surprising ease and picks up the gun the guard dropped when my bullet hit him.  
“Let me have that”, I say and he tosses me the gun immediately.

I then shoot the lock of the door and kick it in, aiming into the room just to find a terrible silence.

 

A slow movement catches my eye. A sliver of red in the darkness. Blood.

The light shifts as the train moves along, unveiling contorted faces; bodies, carelessly dropped off; gunshot wounds, untreated; lives thrown away like useless garbage.

Azusa lowers his gun in shock.  
“Captain!”, he calls out in disbelief. As if he wanted me to confirm that what he was seeing was really there.

But I see it too.  
“What the hell is going on here?” I mutter, feeling sick to my stomach.

Something here, is going wrong. Very wrong.

Azusa and I shouldn't be here.  
At all.  
This is one big fuck-up.

But we're here and we can't go back. We gotta take down the train, no matter what.

So we go in.  
The car is empty except for the dead bodies. All of them wearing formal clothes. We reach the next car, again, all empty.  
The few guards we encounter are wearing eurotean uniforms.

But then, nothing.  
Another empty car, and another; and another…  
Azusa picks up on it too.  
“What's going on?”, he asks, looking around nervously, gun ready to fire.  
Maybe I was wrong. He might be a better soldier than I thought.  
Still, he's way too inexperienced.

“There's gotta be a trap set up here somewhere”, I murmur, scanning for anything suspicious as I rush forward.  
“Be mindful of your blind spot!”

“Das war gut geraten”

My blood freezes.

Before I can turn around and aim, a shot falls and Azusa goes down. I put my arm around his waist, pressing him tightly against myself and run, aiming blindly at the shadows behind me.

I run back until I find cover and toss Azusa into the shadow.  
He slithers and cries out in pain, laying tensely on the ground.  
“Fall back to the previous car and take cover!”  
Thats why I wanted him far away from this train.

I knew something was wrong, fuck.  
I knew it.

But here I am now, and I failed to keep him safe.

None of that now, I gotta keep moving!

That voice…  
German, spoken with an eurotean accent.

Shit!  
I sensed the movement behind me too late! I take aim, shoot and… freeze. The cold blade rests dangerously against my neck, the back of it pressing slightly into my jaw.  
It cuts the skin.  
One move and I'm dead.

I've never felt this scared.

“Deine Knarre is hin”, the man says, and somehow he's so damn familiar. But no matter how desperately my mind is racing to find an answer, I can't remember. “Bist für dein Alter ganz schön tief gefallen, wie ich sehe”

“Captain!”, Azusa yells and shoots.  
I avoid his gunfire and rush to his side, throwing myself into the space behind the compartment that's serving as our cover right now.

When I land I hit my shoulder hard.  
Fuck.  
I _just_ took a dose, I can't be worn off already, I _can't_ be!  
“Captain, it's as I thought, isn't it? Your shoulder is...”, I cut Azusa off, “I'm fine”

“Du siehst ziemlich heruntergekommen aus, _Lykanthrop_! Hast du dein Rückgrat verloren seit man dich gezähmt hat?”  
Mockery.  
In my own language, with that thick eurotean accent.  
“Im Ernst, was hat _der_ hier zu suchen?”, I mutter to myself, still trying to remember his name.  
I fought him once, I shot him down from the sky. I had no idea the bastard was still alive at all.  
And now of all times he has to show up again.  
Scarface.

Azusa looks at me with a confused, but mostly pained expression, eyes misting over with tears.  
“How's your leg?” I ask, glancing down at the wound. He's pressing his hand to it, trying to keep the blood from gushing out, but I can see he won't be using this leg anytime soon.  
The exit wound is on the front of his thigh, so at least he's not losing that much blood. He'll make it back if I finish this quickly enough.  
“It's fine”, he whimpers as convincingly as possible. I don't believe him for a second.  
“Liar”

I hear footsteps.  
“He's coming!”  
Azusa's head whips around and he pulls back the safety on his gun, panicking obviously.  
“Don't stick your head out!”, I hiss, pulling him back just in time before _Scarface_ shoots at him.  
“Get back!”, I yell and tighten my grip on Azusa's waist.

Thankfully he only hits Azusa's coat.  
But he's too close.  
I won't be able to do any real fighting here.  
So I take off again, carrying Azusa with me.

I'd be better off leaving him there. But I can't.  
I never could.

_Scheiße…_

_Taki…_ I can't let him down. Not now, not anymore. Never again!

So I run.  
It's all I can do now.  
The situation is way beyond us.  
I can only hope that Taki will stay far away from this train, that Azusa and I somehow pull off a miracle, that somehow this doesn't all go to hell.

The gunfire comes in constantly. I try to count along with the gunshots.  
Azusa winces in my arms when a bullet grazes his shoulder, throwing me off.  
The pain doesn't make it easier.  
Where was I… ?

Two cars back I set down Azusa and take cover.  
I'm running out of steam and Azusa's condition isn't getting any better either.  
“Crap”, I hiss and press my back into the wall. “He pushed us back two cars and we're almost at the bridge already”  
If only my shoulder wasn't acting up this much… but I did aggravate it.  
I had to carry Azusa with my right arm mostly, because I aim best with my left hand.  
When I try to use my right arm now, it won't move.  
Shit.  
“Captain, please just leave me here”, Azusa whimpers, clutching his shoulder in pain.  
“Don't say shit like that!”, I huff.  
How can he even suggest that? Has he forgotten what his favorite commander told him?  
But maybe I can use this for a trap.  
The best I can pull off right now.  
“The truth is, I was...”  
I shoot at the floor to cut him off.  
 _Scarface_ seems to be happy to entertain himself with his constant mockery of my tactic. I hold out the gun towards Azusa and lower my voice so only he'll hear it.  
“Put in a new magazine for me, my right arm's busted”  
Azusa looks at me, not daring to speak a word and gingerly takes the gun from me before putting in a new magazine with shaky hands.

He looks at me with a guilty expression. He whispers again, “Leave me here”, looking like he's about to cry.  
“Please”  
“No way”, I reply, voice low. I slide back the safety on my gun with my teeth and peek out from our cover. “I'm not giving these people a single piece of you”, I assure him.  
He really did forget what Taki said. Or maybe there's a deeper strand of guilt running below the surface, but I can't have that now.  
“Not this land, not it's people – including you. You're all my Master's pride and honor”, I remind him and glance back at him.  
“We're going back. Taki's waiting for us”

And I'll bring us back, no matter what it takes, just like he brought me back. Like a bird, fallen from the sky, he picked me up.

He brought me back from my slumber, dreaming of beauty and color in a gray world. The call of his voice awoke me to realize, that he brought all the color that I'd been dreaming about to me.

I had been living, only to not be dead for so long. It was like my soul was rotting within a living body.  
Until I found him again.  
And all those years in depravity left me with a bottomless hunger; a desire only he could ever quench…

All those years made me raw and cruel.  
Like a festering wound that wouldn't heal, every spark of anger, every bit of frustration; all of it consumed me, leaving me once more with the same unquenchable hunger as before.

And I hurt him.

 

But he refused to let go, holding me close with in his embrace, warming my frozen heart again.  
The cold breath dyeing the world gray faded, leaving behind dazzling colors.  
Rich jade, faint purple, golden yellow, vicious red and clear blue.

 

 _Scarface's_ footsteps have gotten closer. I hold my breath for one more second and thrust myself out from behind the cover.  
In one reckless movement, I trap his blade between my lame arm and my body, knocking the handle out of his hand and aim at his face with my gun.  
I must believe that I counted right.

“Dein Revolver hat nur sechs Schuss. Ich falle auf deinen Bluff nicht 'rein!”, I say as confidently and triumphantly as I can.  
Never let an enemy see your fear.

Especially not one like this.

“Also hat man dir doch nicht die Fangzähne rausgezogen”

He's not surprised. Not nervous. Not scared at all.

Shit.  
“Aber, deine Zeit ist um”

My ears ring, my breath catches.  
Pain spreads throughout my chest and the scent of blood and paper fills my nose.

I smell wet grass. Sunlight burns into my skin.

Laughing children.

The roaring sound of a plane dancing across the sky.

And among the noise, I pick out the sweet song of a bird.

Dancing across the sky with the same grace as the plane, but much more gentle and softly. It's wings caressing the medium, rather than slicing through it like the propeller of the plane.

Warm green eyes smiling down at me. A round face, framed by honey colored locks. A warm hand holding mine.

“Das war ein kleiner Wald, nicht?”  
That warm hand is pulling me forward.  
“Jawohl”  
“Und es war ganz dunkel”  
“Ja”, she doesn't look back at me, pulling me forward all the same, “Aber es war Onkels Wald, darum brauchen wir uns nicht zu fürchten”

A brave little girl pulling me forward, squeezing my hand in comforting assurance – even though I can tell she was afraid too. Her hand feeling just a little too wet against my own…

But we left the forest.

Beyond the fence that marks the end of the Wolfstadt property, lays nothing but untouched earth. Gold-green grass and a sunny sky, the blue strong like azure ink.

It's like a different world starts right beyond our fence.  
“Claudia”, I start, staring into that distant world, “What's beyond there?”  
She doesn't look at it, gripping my fingers tighter.  
“Well”, she says, her voice swept away by the rushing wind. She keeps walking.  
“The sky, the ocean… an unknown wind. And...” suddenly she's gone, her hand torn away from mine.

Only the echo of her voice remains in my ears.  
“… the promised land”

The land where the gods themselves drifted ashore.

The land where I met him.

I reach for him, but instead of grasping his hand in mine, I feel my other hand grasped by small, warm fingers.  
Claudia found me.

The big sister that would always guide me back home.

But I know where I must go.  
Not home, but to him.

“Willst du gehen?”, she asks.  
“Ja”  
“Selbst mit all den Wunden?”

“Ja. Ich habe sie gefunden”  
“Was hast du gefunden?”

“Eine Blüte”

The wind grows softer, sweeter.

“Claudia, er ist die einzige Rose die ich besitzen darf”

She looks at me with owlish eyes, disbelieving but trusting.

“Das Schicksal welches verborgen in uns'rem Blut liegt; unerbittlich edel; alles ergreifend; alles beherrschend… dem einzigen Gebieter aller Rosen zu folgen…”

I let go of her hand and let myself fall from the sky, like a bird with broken wings, knowing he'll be there to catch me.

He'll be there to wake me up again and bring me back to the only place I may call home anymore.

 

I chase the sweet taste on my tongue, the warmth of his soft lips… I open my eyes.

A warm, golden glow illuminates his face, tears sparkling in his eyes. His lips are red and wet, his face flushed, yet pale.  
He's never been more beautiful.

I almost can't believe it.

“Welcome home”, is all he says, voice soft and clear despite the tears. They don't choke him anymore, he lets them fall onto my cheeks.  
There is nothing between us anymore.

Not even death.

He clutches my shirt, my coat and presses his face into the crook of my neck, sobbing softly.  
I can't help but smile as I cradle his head in my gloved hand.  
“Ah… your scent”, I murmur, inhaling deeply.  
His scent, through the blood and fire still is the most sweet and most comforting; like nothing could ever put a speck of dirt on him.  
Not death, not pain… not the cruelty that lingers in the soil and air of No man's land…

“No doubt about it”, Suguri says from besides me, “You have better luck than the devil himself”  
He's holding up a book.  
That book.

Taki tenses up for a moment and gasps, “Thats…!”  
He recognized it.  
Of course he did.

Of course he did.

I grip his wrist over my shoulder tightly.  
“Taki”, I start, feeling the pain and exhaustion flooding back into me. I'm fucked, aren't I?  
“Will there be another chance for me to fight?”

It doesn't sit right with me.  
Not the failed mission, not the state that Azusa is in, not the state that I'm in.  
None of it.

I'm also not done with that fucking _Scarface-asshole_!

Taki pulls me up closer against his body. I sense his urge to forbid me from fighting again.  
“This isn't over, Taki”, I murmur, trying to sway him from his decision before he even makes it.  
“The worst storm has yet to crash down upon us”

I hold him closer while he remains silent.  
“So Taki”, I try once more, “give me the sword that'll tear those clouds to pieces, and let me win your pride”

His gaze softens as if to say that I don't need to fight for his pride anymore, that I have it already. But I know better this time.

“Let us make good on that unfulfilled promise and find our way to the place that you wish for”

I know it now, Taki.  
The promise that we made, I know the depth of it now.

And I'm ready to go all the way down, if that means we'll come out on the very top of it in the end.

I don't mind going back to hell.  
A decision he made long ago, before all of this started. A thought he told me about, a wish he couldn't say any other way.

I won't be alone, walking through hell. I'm not chasing my prize anymore. I'm fighting to keep him safe.  
Him and our unborn child.

He laces his fingers with mine and covers my eyes with his other right hand. And then he says in that same clear voice as always, “Ah, let's all fight… for the future we can have together”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note: So much German, halp. But it's worth it!
> 
> Translation:  
> Das war gut geraten – Good guess on that one
> 
> Deine Knarre is hin – Your gun's busted
> 
> Bist für dein Alter ganz schön tief gefallen, wie ich sehe – Fallen quite the way for your age, I see
> 
> Du siehst ziemlich heruntergekommen aus, Lykanthrop! Hast du dein Rückgrat verloren seit man  
> dich gezähmt hat? - Looking quite shabby, Lycanthrope! Have you lost your backbone since you've been domesticated?
> 
> Im Ernst, was hat der hier zu suchen? - Seriously, what's he doing here?
> 
> Dein Revolver hat nur sechs Schuss. Ich falle auf deinen Bluff nicht 'rein! - Your revolver only holds six shots. I'm not falling for your bluff!
> 
> Also hat man dir doch nicht die Fangzähne rausgezogen – So they haven't extracted your fangs yet
> 
> Aber, deine Zeit ist um – But your time's up
> 
> Das war ein kleiner Wald, nicht? - It was a little forest, right?
> 
> Jawohl - Yeah
> 
> Und es war ganz dunkel – And it was very dark
> 
> Ja. Aber es war Onkels Wald, darum brauchen wir uns nicht zu fürchten – Yes. But it was Uncle's forest, so there's nothing to be afraid of
> 
> (You may have noticed that I stopped using German for a bit here, even though Klaus is technically still talking to Claudia in his thoughts. I wanted to show the difference between his homeland-memory, represented by his memory of a young Claudia, and Taki's homeland, represented by his memory of young Taki, because he's both now. Not just Saxon anymore, he's accepted his place by Taki's side, as a part of his country)
> 
> Willst du gehen? - You want to leave?
> 
> Ja – Yes
> 
> Selbst mit all den Wunden? - Even with all those wounds?
> 
> Ja. Ich habe sie gefunden – Yeah. I've found it
> 
> Was hast du gefunden? - Found what?
> 
> Eine Blüte – A flower
> 
> Claudia, er ist die einzige Rose die ich besitzen darf – Claudia, he's my only rose (sounds awkward in German, so a literal translation would be: He's the only rose I'm allowed to own. It's a reference to that story from Rosa Alba)
> 
> Das Schicksal welches verborgen in uns'rem Blut liegt; unerbittlich edel; alles ergreifend; alles  
> beherrschend… dem einzigen Gebieter aller Rosen zu folgen – The fate that's laying hidden within our blood; relentlessly noble; all consuming; ruling everything I feel… my king of flowers (another thing I changed from the manga. A literal translation of my version would be: relentlessly noble; claiming everything; ruling everything… to follow the one Master of all roses. Again, I changed it so it wouldn't sound awkward in German, and also, because the English sentence doesn't make 100% sense either)


	27. Chapter 27

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SaL has an official and final cover now!! You can see it in the first chapter!

I probably passed out by the time Taki and I were sat in the jeep to take us back to the headquarters. I vaguely remember resting with his heartbeat right beneath my cheek, calming me enough to sleep through my pain.

Hours later I wake up in a bright, spacious room, grunting in pain before I even open my eyes completely.  
It’s too bright… way too bright.

“Captain Wolfstadt?”, a female voice asks, but I can’t reply. I’m in fucking pain, and the only one whose concern and comfort I want isn’t here…  
“Are you in pain?”, the woman asks, and I groan.  
“Yes… a lot”, I manage to mutter through clenched teeth.

“I will call for Suguri-dono in that case”, she announces and scurries away.  
Get lost, girl…

I’m not sure how much time passes, but soon enough Suguri shows up.  
“You’re awake, I see”, he murmurs and touches my wrist – probably to take my pulse. I pull my hand back, feeling overly sore and sensitive to his touch, to the light, to the sheets, to everything.

“Does it hurt?”, Suguri asks. I don’t want to say yes. I feel like I’m losing a battle if I say yes now. Like I'm giving him an advantage.  
I don’t even know what we might be fighting about.

He waits a moment, then tries to take my pulse again, and when he presses his thumb into my skin, I lash out, blindly swinging my whole arm at him.  
“It’s too bright”, I finally murmur and turn my face into the sheet. Even though it feels like I’m touching bare ice, at least it isn’t blinding me with it’s bright color.

“Should I draw the curtains?”, asks that same female voice, and I growl.  
“Yes, do that”, Suguri orders and I feel strangely comforted by that.  
As much as I hate to admit it.  
But honestly, I’m in too much fucking pain to care.

It’s not even… like one single form of pain. It’s a mix that just spreads out everywhere. Starting with the sharp stinging right within the wounds themselves; the dull throbbing spreading through my muscles, whatever move I make, even if I just breathe; the tugging pain in my bones; and lastly the burning within my veins…

I’m not really awake the next day. I’m burning up and freezing cold at the same time. I’m not sure if it was just a dream, but I remember hearing a little bird by my side, singing to me so that I would heal.  
Thinking back, it probably was just a dream.  
But through the stench of blood and medicine I thought I smelled Taki’s sweet scent.

The day after that, my fever has gone down, and I managed to sit up to eat on my own. I think a nurse fed me during the past two days, and I can’t say I’m sad I don’t remember any of it.  
Quite the opposite.

Suguri doesn’t show up anymore, maybe he’s busy with other patients, or maybe he’s just fed up with me, who knows.  
I vaguely remember a doctor with glasses who took care of my injuries the other day, but I don’t know who he is. Not that I care.  
No, I don’t care at all.

What I _do_ care about is Taki.

Where is he? What is he doing?

I tried to ask the nurses who cared for me – with varying degrees of success – about Taki’s whereabouts and activities. Turns out talking isn’t easily done when your ribs feel like a tank’s rolled over them.

From what I could gather, Taki has been obsessing over politics and strategies more than ever. Sure, the brass fucked up, Eurote is literally on his doorstep and the stuck up bastards in their Home Ministry are also poking their noses into these matters.  
Actually, about that, I’m almost more concerned than about Eurote’s bastards. I remember Hartmann’s words about the head of the Home Ministry: Katsuragi, who’s registered as a highly dangerous person.  
Not only in a political sense.

I see him as a danger, because he’s an alpha.

An alpha, with a high social status, a member of oriental royalty and a lot of power… basically he’s a perfect candidate, and that’s why he’s a danger.  
He might end up trying to entangle Taki and his division in some sort of… thing, and make him his…

The thought alone makes me sick with rage and bloodlust.

I try to punch my pillow to release some of my anger, but it doesn’t really help much. I need to strangle something!  
And a pillow won’t do!

I look around the room, finding nothing within my reach that could work as a punching bag. I gave up smoking too, so that’s not an option either. That makes me think of Taki, and the reason why I gave up my addiction in the first place.

I smile to myself and close my eyes, taking a deep breath to compose myself.  
Instead of focusing on my anger, I try to distract myself somehow. As hard as it is, I have to learn my lesson at last. That resorting to violence – as well as it may have worked for me in the past – may not actually be the best course of action.  
I hope Taki would be proud of me if he heard me think right now.

Thinking of Taki, I really want to get out of this room and walk around a bit. I want to see him.

But first – my train of thought moves on – I need to get some things done. I’ll need to meet up with Hartmann’s man and get an update on the current situation before I make further plans. I’ll have to contact him somehow, without anyone noticing.  
I need a phone for that.

With a new plan in mind, I get up and look through the cabinets in the room. Hopefully there’s some painkillers I can use?  
I don’t want to call a nurse, knowing perfectly well they wouldn’t let me get up and leave, no matter what I said.

Thankfully I do find a vial of morphine, and even better a small dose of amphetamines. This will hopefully be enough to let me move around for a bit. I should ask for a package of meds, so I’m not depending on the stuff they have here.  
I need to be able to move around freely if I’m gonna protect Taki from those creeps.

I don’t actually have access to a phone; or any means of communication with the rest of the world for that matter, so I need Taki and his influence.  
Only he would look the other way while I “betray” the country, and only he would protect my position here.  
I know that now.  
He’s my one and only Master, the only true ally I need here.

 

Freshly dosed and with a clean shirt thrown over my shoulders I make my way to the anterior buildings of the residence. I’ve never been here, in the posterior buildings, but after a quick look I figured where to go, and how to get to Taki’s room.  
I hope he’s actually in there, and not somewhere else, because I’d probably draw too much attention if I went around the compound calling his name.

I try to get to Taki’s room without running into anyone who might try to take me back to the hospital room. I succeed for the most part. Only that cadet runs past me once, stopping when he sees me and calls after me.

I promise I’m fine and ruffle his hair to pacify him quickly, before anyone starts to ask questions I don’t want to answer.

When I finally reach Taki’s room, I hesitate.  
Should I knock? Is he there?

I’m tempted to just enter the room and try to surprise him that way, but it feels wrong to do that… I have overstepped his boundaries so many times. I really should learn from that… I can’t ever risk seeing him like _that_ again.

 

I raise my left hand – frankly because my right shoulder is still throbbing painfully – and knock on the heavy wood.

“Yes?”, Taki calls from inside, and I open the door before he can say anything else.  
He half turned his head towards the door, body still facing the window, one hand resting against the glass.  
I smile at him, leaning against the door frame.

A small movement catches my eye. Taki’s pale hand, resting just over his belly, clutching the fabric of his shirt.  
I let my eyes travel over his form, noticing he’s not wearing his uniform today. I’ve seen other soldiers wear clothes like this for training, and immediately my contentment over seeing Taki flickers, turning into worry and anger.

He lowers his head, avoiding my eyes. He opens his mouth to say something, but remains silent.

“Did you miss me at all?”, I ask, stepping into the room and letting the door fall shut behind me.  
Taki looks at me again, lowering both hands to his sides. He rubs his fingers and thumb against each other, trying to warm his right hand, the one that he had pressed against the window.

“You shouldn’t be here”, he murmurs halfheartedly.  
“I wanted to see you”, I say, taking a step towards him. He takes a step back. He looks at me for a moment, unable to come up with anything to say in response.  
“I’m… you… you should rest more. You are still badly injured”, he finally mutters, lowering his eyes again.  
“Taki”

His eyes snap back up to look at me.

Now that neither of us is dying, and nobody else is around to see… my mind brings up memories that I wish I could bury again.

“You should be resting”, Taki insists, frowning when I make no move to leave. I take a step towards him, close enough to reach out and touch him if I wanted to.  
I want to.

But when I lift my hand, he withdraws again, back pressing against the curtains and further against the wall separating the rows of windows from each other.  
He glances at the window, as though he was afraid somebody could be looking up and seeing us, but there’s nobody there, only a few cadets running from building to building.

“You’re not wearing your uniform”, I note, keeping my voice neutral; hopefully.  
He looks up at me and I believe I see the trace of a smile on his lips.  
“It’s… more comfortable. Like this… for…” his voice grows softer until I can’t hear him anymore, while his gaze drifts further into the distance, not looking at me anymore, but somewhere past me. He seems so different from how I remember him.  
He’s more… open, somehow.

I lift my hand again, looking into his eyes and this time, he doesn’t withdraw – not that he could – holding my gaze steadily, taking shallow breaths.  
I wanted to graze his cheek with my fingers, feel the heat spread under my fingertips as he blushes, and trace the contours of his jaw down to his neck, to his chest… but when my hand touches him, somehow it just slumps onto his shoulder like a dead fish.  
Aren’t I great at this, precise finger-work…?

Taki seems to have noticed my failed attempt at tenderness, because he gives me a worried glance hidden behind a disapproving frown.  
“I haven’t moved much, lately”, I try to explain, but he touches my hand with his, and I shudder at how cold he is.

Or am I hot?

He seems to have the same thought, reaching up to press his other hand against my forehead. And the frown turns into a scowl.  
“Why are you not in bed? You have a fever, you are in no shape to be moving around! Go, I’ll get Nekonome-hakase… no… I’ll call a nurse for you, just go and rest, please!”, he starts nudging me, one hand gripping my good shoulder, the other seizing my wrist before I can try to pry off his hand.  
“Taki”, I mutter but he cuts me off.  
“No, Klaus, you need to rest, you are still so badly injured and you have a fever!”  
I take a step back as he tries to push me away, and use his momentum to catch him with both arms and pull him into my chest – injuries and pain be damned…

“Klaus…!” He’s frozen in place, not daring to move as he’s probably afraid to hurt me. Isn’t he just so sweet? Damn, he’s so sweet, I’m gonna go crazy…  
“Klaus, let me go… you need to recover…!”  
“Don’t wanna. I missed you, you know? I dreamed you were there, waiting for me to wake up… but you weren’t there when I woke”, I murmur into his hair, inhaling his scent.

“I had to go”, Taki whispers. I pull away from him, just enough to look at him. He looks up at me, expression fond but sad.  
“I had to be at a conference, to sort out the most recent developments…”  
“That scarface and the… who was she again?”, I remember.  
“Berkut and Duchess Theodora. And Regent Yustaf of Eurote”, Taki murmurs with a hint of exasperated humor in his voice.  
I can see the same fondness in his eyes as before; soft and warm gaze lingering on my face for a few seconds before he turns his head away again.  
I bury my face in his hair, happy to let myself – and the increasingly annoying pain from my injuries – be soothed by his sweet smell.

“Ah!”  
Taki jerks and looks at me with wide eyes. Oh, I said that out loud, did I?  
“I need to make a phone call”, I explain.  
Taki looks at me like I’ve gone crazy.  
“Whom do you want to call?”, he asks, still eying me suspiciously. I can’t blame him, can I…  
“A fellow spy”, I say outright.

Taki tries to take a step away from me, to escape my embrace, but I won’t let him go. Or… so I thought. He twists his body slightly, but the movement relays to my arm and further up my shoulder, which causes my injury to explode in blinding pain.  
For a moment I almost stumble, but I catch myself before I fall, thankfully.

Taki is by my side again, gripping my good arm in an attempt to support me. Ah, so sweet, isn’t he?

“You really need to rest, Klaus. Please...”, he starts again, but I turn to look at him and he shuts up.  
“I need to contact this man, so I can get an update on the situation in the West. He was sent here by my uncle, and I give them information and vice-versa”, I explain. Taki looks at me with wide eyes, as though he hadn’t considered it before.

As if he hadn’t thought that I actually _was_ a spy, despite the charges against me, which he so convincingly dispelled.  
“Relax, Taki. I’m not selling out anything of value. Your… our division would be crushed by now if I did, so you can trust me, right?”  
Taki lowers his head.

“Why…?”  
“Why what?”, I ask. Taki looks at me for a second, then turns away again, and walks up to the window.  
“When… I left home, when I followed you, I sort of offered to spy on you and your division, so Hartmann would let me go”  
Taki doesn’t move. He just stands there, looking out the window.  
“Does… he know about… about… me… us… our…”  
“No”  
Taki finally looks at me.  
“Taki, I told you, I did it so I could follow you. And I followed you, because I want _you_. Only you”

“Why are you telling me this? You know I could have… you exiled… or executed…”  
I take a step towards him, wobbling more than I care to admit.  
Taki frowns.

“Because you”, I hold his gaze, “are the singular reason, the only person here, who wants me. Because you refused to send me away, even after what I did. Because I don’t trust anyone here, except for you. Taki… do you know how many people a spy can ever trust?”

He stares at me, silent.

“Only one. Himself, and nobody else”, I answer my own question; and from Taki’s expression I can tell, he knew the answer, even though he didn’t want to spell it out.  
“I know I’m at your mercy; I know you have the power and the right to kill me where I stand, and most of your men would be glad for it...” - “Stop, Klaus”, he interrupts me.

“I am the one who rules your fate, my Knight”  
I smile.  
“Will you let me make the call?”, I ask.  
“What will you tell them?”  
“I don’t plan to tell them anything. I only want to let the guy know I’m still alive, and that I need to meet him”  
“What will you tell him?”, Taki inquires further.  
“Nothing of value”, I promise.

Taki looks at me for a while, saying nothing.

“Ha- ah!” Taki suddenly winces and clutches the underside of his belly.  
“Taki?!”, I rush to his side, head swimming for a few seconds due to the sudden movement, but I can’t care about that now.  
“Taki, what’s wrong?”

He straightens his back and closes his eyes for a few breaths.  
“Just kicking”, he breathes and when he opens his eyes again, he looks at me with calm contentment.  
I think my heart stops beating for a moment and I slump, leaning my forehead onto his shoulder.  
“Meine Güte”, I huff, “you scared me there”  
“Entschuldige”

I stand up straight again and look down at him.  
He looks at me, holding my gaze.

I want to kiss him.

I want to taste him, feel him… feel his warm breath against my lips, taste his lips… I want to stroke his hair and run my fingers through it… I want to pick him up and carry him to his bed and hold him…

“Make your phone call, Klaus”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Notes: As you probably know, I had a lot of trouble with this chapter. I had originally planned to write it from Taki’s POV, because there was a lot he had to say and explain, for further development to unfold.  
> Sadly, due to a freakish mishap, half of my chapter was lost. Since I’m a very emotional person, that really dragged me down and crushed my motivation. I tried to rewrite the parts that were lost, but no matter what I did, it wouldn’t come out right. I’d always feel haunted by the pages I had lost. So I decided – after a long talk with my dad (thanks for listening to my whining, daddy!) - that it would be for the best, if I just started at 0 and rewrote the whole chapter.  
> But even that was difficult, because if I had stuck to Taki’s POV, I would always be trying to recreate the lost chapter, making the new version a mere copy (a bad and incomplete one at that).  
> So here we are, with this chapter being from Klaus’ POV, with a Taki-chapter coming after this to fill in the gaps.  
> I’m sorry for the delay in uploads, and for the drama. I hope you still enjoy this lackluster chapter, and thank you so much for reading!
> 
> Translation:  
> Meine Güte – My goodness
> 
> Entschuldige – Sorry


	28. Chapter 28

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note: Here is the promised Taki-chapter.  
> I hope you enjoy this chapter!

I dearly hope that my decision to trust Klaus wasn’t a mistake. I cautiously watch him stand next to the telephone, dialing a number I don’t know.

I feel sick.  
My desire to trust him could cause not only my own death, but that of my division; maybe even the entire country.  
I so desperately hope that he truly means well, that he spoke the truth.

As our country’s current situation is so dire, I guess I was quick to grasp at straws, even if they may bring the downfall of the entire nation.  
I stare at Klaus as he waits for the call to be connected, and I feel out of place in my own quarters, in my own office.  
Klaus looks up and listens for a few seconds, before replying in a hushed voice.  
The raspy whisper sounds so wrong to me. It feels dangerous.

“Ich bin’s”, Klaus says softly, but loud enough for me to hear. I look at him, at his back; at the bandages and the scratches that still stand out too much against his golden skin.  
The irrational urge to touch them – to trace the wounds with my fingers – overcomes me, and I quickly turn my head away.  
“Hören Sie zu-”, Klaus starts, but interrupts himself. I glance back at him. “Hören Sie mir zu”, he insists after a while.  
 _It’s me… listen to me…_ I guiltily listen to what he’s saying. I feel like he’s trying to maintain some semblance of privacy, of secrecy; even though he surely knows that I understand every word he says.  
What is he trying to do?

Why does he come out with his secret like this, why now? Why me?

Is he trying to make me into his ally, so that I’ll have no other choice than to follow him when the secret gets out?  
Is he trying to destroy us? Or save us?  
Who is he talking to, whom is he meeting… ?

No, stop… Why would I suspect him now, after all he’s done has been for my sake?  
Or has it been… ? No, surely it has been. Surely…

I listen to Klaus, as he persuades his associate to come to the compound. The person seem to be reluctant, and I guess I understand why.  
Klaus wasn’t just talking about himself when he said that a spy can trust nobody but himself. Same must be true for his colleague.  
And yet, he told me about it.

I bite my lip, holding back a wince when my child kicks me in the stomach again. Klaus still notices, glancing at me from the corner of his eye.  
I shake my head.  
 _Don’t worry, Klaus…_

He turns away again, talking in a hushed voice.  
“Sie müssen mir die Unterlagen bringen! … Was? Nein, egal. Ist mir egal wie”

I wonder if I should offer help, if I should offer to make up an excuse for Klaus… but… no. I couldn’t.  
Currently, my own landsmen seem to suspect me for sabotaging the recent mission. We haven’t gotten any word from home ministry, but rumors are spreading everywhere that Katsuragi is going to make a move soon; that he’s debating with his advisors and fellow dignitaries.  
I can only hope that I’ll be able to get everyone out of it unharmed.

“Jetzt hören Sie mir zu! Ich bin in Sicherheit, man verdächtigt mich nicht”, Klaus insists, raising his voice ever so slightly.  
“Nein, jemand könnte mich hören. Außerdem… außerdem, brauche ich noch etwas”, Klaus lowers his voice again, glancing at me.

I’ve never seen him this nervous.

Agitated, anxious, restless… but not nervous like this. He doesn’t take the dangers around him seriously, because somehow he trusts in his ability to make it out alive…

But now… it’s out of his hands.

His fate rests in my hands, and he can do nothing to save himself, because he’s a nobody here, with no allies but one.  
Me.

Suddenly, my chest feels warm and my heart swells, beating faster. I feel like a child again, held by a stranger who looks at me with disbelieving eyes… golden eyes…  
I feel my cheeks grow hotter, and my eyes sting ever so slightly.

I was so wrong.

 

I look at Klaus and hesitate. I can tell that he’s trying to find words, that he’s trying to somehow keep up his defenses, even around me. A part of me screams that I should stay and keep listening, that I must keep an eye on him to save myself and my country. But the stronger part of me pushes me to leave.

I go to the bathroom, deciding to end the day early and to rest while I can. I feel Klaus’ gaze on my back while I step through the door, and when I turn back once more to look at his face, he closes his eyes and lowers his head.

He swore it to me as my Knight, to never go beyond my reach, to never entrust his fate to anyone but me, his Master; and I in turn swore to protect him with my power.

When I pull the door shut behind myself, I listen to the soft sliver of Klaus’ voice, as he finally speaks freely.

 

I lock the door and sit on the rim of the bathtub, reaching out to the faucet. I turn on the water, carefully testing the temperature.  
Once I’m happy with it I plug the drain. I get up and walk over to the bathroom cabinet to pull out a fresh towel for later, hanging it over the edge of the sink so it’s within reach of the bathtub, but in no danger of getting wet, should I somehow splash water out of the tub.

I watch the water climb higher and higher, the rushing stream from the faucet drowning out any whispers I could possibly have heard from beyond the door.  
Klaus could say anything now, and I wouldn’t know. He could do anything now, and I wouldn’t know.

I shiver, hold my breath for a second before relaxing again and turn off the water. I undress quickly, folding my clothes and setting them down on top of the shut toilet seat.  
Then finally, I step into the water, shuddering violently when my cool skin is suddenly warmed up by the water, and only now do I realize how cold I had been.

I try to bend down, to collect some water in my hands and wet my legs and body with it before sitting down, but I quickly realize that this isn’t a good idea.

I straighten my back as quickly as possible and throw my head back with a little groan. That was close.

When I had bent over the child inside of me pressed down on my bladder with surprising intensity. I got scared for a moment I wouldn’t be able to hold it in, even though I’m certain my bladder isn’t anywhere near full right now.

Not wanting to risk any mishaps of this nature, I slowly kneel inside the tub, sitting on my heels when I have to take another break.  
This time, the heat causes goose bumps to rise on my skin, along with another shudder. I collect some water in the palms of my hands and let it trickle down my chest.  
I bite my lip and close my eyes, feeling another cascade of goose bumps rising on my skin. I look down at myself and hiss softly, pressing the heels of my hands into my chest. It hurts…  
My… nipples feel tender. Almost sore, even though nothing and no person has touched them recently.  
I try to cover them with my hands, pushing them down… they are so hard, so swollen; tubercles and veins standing out among the goose flesh; the areolas themselves are so much darker now than they used to be.

I am ashamed, looking down at myself. It looks so indecent…

With a sigh I close my eyes again and lower myself further, withdrawing my legs from beneath myself. In the end I lean back, resting my head against the rim of the bathtub, legs spread slightly. So indecent.  
But otherwise I’ll put pressure on my bladder again.

At least I’m alone, in warm, soothing water… my sore, tense back feels better already. I sigh.

Everything is silent now. Only the quiet rush of my blood, only the soft swishing of the water reach my ears. If I listen closely I can hear voices underneath my window; far away – soldiers and officers shouting commands. Here and there a bird cries.  
Nothing else.  
For a while I listen to the sound of the water, lazily moving my hands back and forth, sloshing it over my shoulders and arms. My goose bumps have evened out by now and my cold hands have warmed up.

I touch my knuckles to my lips… even my lips feel cold now, compared to my hands. Slowly, I lower my hand again, fingertips trailing down my chin, my jaw, my neck…

Right there. On the right side of my neck. Slightly raised, slightly harder, slightly glossy… the mark.  
I run my fingers over it and sigh when my body shivers with faint, gentle pleasure.  
Isn’t it ironic, how such a mark – a scar – can give me such a… sweet feeling? It’s like the ghost of a touch, a loving caress over my shoulders, down to my chest, dipping into my navel before dissolving just above my pubis.

I open my eyes, wondering when I’d closed them.  
I listen to the silence, holding still.  
Rushing blood, pounding heart, water, distant voices… and nothing else.

Nothing else…

Klaus has left? Probably. I hope he’ll be reasonable and rest. Hopefully the nurses will be able to help him with his fever. I brush the pad of my thumb over my fingertips, as though I could still feel the heat from skin.

I wonder what Klaus told the spy. Did he tell him about the mission?

No, stop it. I trust him.  
I open my eyes and look at the door, as though I could look past it if I just stared hard enough. And I wonder how he stood there… if he’s still there… a part of me hopes that he’s still there, even though I really think he should go back to rest and sleep off his fever.

But then again… a part of me really wants him to stay with me, fever and all. So that I could treat him, care for him.  
So that he would depend on me, like I once did; back at Luckenwalde.

I wonder how it could have taken me so long to realize, how much he needed me here. I had taken him and his ever present support for granted. I feel stupid and undeserving; like a child that got away with something, and even got praised for something it didn’t even accomplish.

I lived by rules that others had made, and I never questioned them.

Balance, innocence, dignity… and above all else: Purity.

What even _is_ purity anymore? The holy word that I have been clinging to for all my life?  
I hadn't wanted to admit it, when Tachibana had told me, but he was right.

We all live in a tainted world, because purity and impurity know no borders. A pure man can succumb to temptation and be tainted.  
An impure man can withstand the beckoning seduction of sin and make a purer decision than someone who'd call themselves pure.

The world does not follow rules of purity and impurity, sin and morale. And yet, we cling to these rules, we cling to our superstitions and beliefs, because they paint a false layer of simplicity over the world.

I have been naive. I still am. I am unfit to lead a nation into war, and yet here I am. I am unfit to bear and parent a child, and yet… here I am.  
Here we are.

How many times have I been blinded by the simple truth that came to me, when the true truth had been hidden just underneath the surface?

How self-righteous had I been, thinking I knew everything, when in truth I only knew so little?  
How have I gotten this far, knowing so little?

My breath catches in my throat.

I must have wronged Klaus so many times. Even back at Luckenwalde… during our very first drill, I lashed out at him after he had cared for me and protected me.

And now… over two years later, I still haven’t learned anything. I still hurt him time and time again.  
I still cling to the false simplicity of a black and white world; of pure and impure; right and wrong. Because for so long, I didn’t know any better.

But I was wrong on so many levels.

That day, after we brought Klaus and Azusa back from No man’s land, Suguri had told me to rest, because no matter how much I fight for the future, if I destroy myself in the present, no matter what I do, I won’t be able to get back what I’d thrown away.

My sleep was uneasy and I woke up all the time, feeling like I had committed a crime.  
I curled myself into a ball as much as I could, pulling the blanket tightly around myself and rested my hand on my belly, as though I was trying to hide from a persecutor who’d punish me for my crime.  
Only my crime wasn’t something that I _did_ do; it was something that I _didn’t_ do.  
All this time, I had to ignore the fluttering nudges within me; I had to function. But on that night, for the first time, I allowed myself to feel them, faint as they were.

It was like… I was reaching out to a friend whom I’d long forgotten, whom I’d abandoned. I didn’t know what exactly I was hoping for, a reaction of sorts, a touch to calm me, but it felt like the best I could do.  
Like it’s the only right thing I could do then.

And now, when I decided to trust Klaus, again I felt like it was the only right thing I could do.

I understand that he needed me, not only as his superior, protecting him, but as an ally, as a friend and partner.

I jolt when I feel a stronger kick, right on my bladder. I sit up a bit straighter, rubbing the underside of my belly in hopes to calm my child a little when I realize how much the water’s cooled down.

I unplug the drain and try to kneel, but apparently my child isn’t happy with this position, so I try to squat, which works out a lot better.  
Now I grab the shower nozzle and carefully turn on the water again to warm myself up and scrub myself down quickly.  
I hadn’t intended to stay in the water for so long, but it had been so relaxing that I lost track of time. Now when I look out the window as I open it, to let in fresh air, it’s already late dawn.

 

When I’m finally dry and somewhat decently dressed again, I feel very ready for bed. I should probably eat, but I’m not in the mood for food. I’m too tired.

So I unlock the bathroom door and walk back into my bedroom. The air still smells like Klaus, and I smile.

I stand in front of my wardrobe and undress. I take out a yukata that was made for me recently to fit my body better than my older pieces. I fasten it loosely over my belly with a wide sash and walk over to my bed…

 

Klaus had stayed here.

He had waited for me, and fallen asleep.

 

I sit on the edge of the mattress and watch him for a few moments, unsure what to do. I am overwhelmed with the knowledge that he put his life in my undeserving hands. And now he’s here, asleep in my room.  
My heart aches with desire and affection as I look at him. It strikes me that he would show himself to me like this. So vulnerable, so defenseless and calm.

I keep looking at him, tracing the bold contours of his body with my eyes, but never daring to reach out and touch him.  
Too scared I might wake him… but then again… won’t I have to wake him up when I decide to lie down myself?

He grunts and turns onto his back, moving his arm from his side to… oh… He’s looking at me with dark, golden eyes. His arm is gently wrapped around my waist, his thumb drawing circles into my side.  
“Taki”, he murmurs and rolls onto his side. The movement aggravates his injury, so immediately he’s wincing and falling back.  
“Klaus, why didn’t you go back?”, I ask softly, stroking his warm cheek. The skin is almost damp, slightly sticky with sweat.  
Klaus gives a drawn out groan. He uses the arm around my waist to pull me closer, on top of him, and I can’t bring myself to struggle.

I hold myself up with both arms, because I don’t want to hurt him; worried my weight might cause him pain if I lied down on top of his chest.  
“Taki...”, he murmurs again, stroking my back with his left hand, while the other weakly holds onto my wrist.  
He is looking up at me with hooded eyes, his gaze soft and tender. The piercing flame, the molten gold that I’m used to is only a faint glow.  
His lips are dry, parted to let him breathe through his mouth.  
Even though I see the crinkles in the corners of his eyes, as though he was laughing, not even the hint of a smile can be found on his lips.  
I open my mouth, try to say something, but my voice dies before I can utter a sound.

I close my mouth and swallow hard. Klaus’ fingers trace my spine while his arm pulls me further down. I lean on my elbow and try not to fall on top of him.  
I end up laying next to him, my belly uncomfortably squished between us, but he won’t let me go, holding me close with his one arm.  
Even so he’s still disturbingly strong.  
“Klaus-” I try, but he cuts me off, turning his face into my hair. “Again”, he whispers.  
“What?”  
“My name. You just said it”

“Klaus” It comes out as a strangled sob.

“Mmh, Taki…”  
“Klaus, let me go”, I whisper softly. I feel guilty for it, but surprisingly he does let me go.  
“Turn your back to me”, he says with unexpected clarity.

I hesitate; too afraid of the memories that come flooding back into my mind; too nervous and too anxious to turn my back on him yet.  
Klaus waits patiently.

For a moment I wonder if he’s fallen back asleep, but after a while he nudges my shoulder to get me to turn around.  
And I do it.

Some leader I am, no? Unable to make decisions for myself, constantly relying on the support and guidance of others.

I lie on my side, my back lined up with his side, my face turned into the pillow while I lament my lacking independence and confidence.  
How should I ever lead a country to victory?

Maybe the rumors are correct, and Katsuragi is making preparations to replace me with somebody who’s better suited to win the war.  
I’ve heard that Oogi, the representative of our finance ministry has also been informed on the current situation.  
Especially now that winter is approaching and our soldiers need more rations to survive…  
Maybe I miscalculated.  
Maybe I failed.

Maybe I indeed am undeserving of my title and position…

Klaus hums softly, nuzzling my nape. He reaches over me, placing his heavy hand right on top of my belly, the thumb resting just beneath my ribs.  
I hold still.

My heart is beating so hard right now, but I try to keep my breathing steady. I don’t want him to know how… excited I am… when he touches me.

He sighs deeply and when he inhales again, he presses his nose to my skin. His hand moves from my belly up to my chest, tracing my ribs, cupping the curve of my swollen breasts…  
“Klaus… stop”, I breathe and try to hold back his hand.  
He pauses for a moment, not trying to move his hand anymore and I almost relax. When he presses his lips to my nape though, nibbling and licking just besides the mark I shudder, unable to hold back a moan.  
He grazes my skin with his teeth, biting down ever so gently before licking the spot and kissing it. I shiver and try to shift away, but he won’t let me.  
And I don’t want him to let me…

 

I wake up when I hear Klaus moan. His face is hidden against my back, his arm wrapped around my chest so tightly it’s hard to breathe.  
His body is hot and his muscles tremble. He moans again, tensing up and almost crushing me for a few moments, before he crumbles and pants into my nape.  
“Klaus, let me go. I’ll call a nurse. Let me go, please!”  
I try to pry his arm off of me. He doesn’t even fight back. I sit up and look at him. As soon as his hand was empty, he immediately gripped his wounded shoulder, fingers digging into the bandages. I try to grab his hand again.  
“Don’t, Klaus. You’ll make it worse…”

I see blood seeping through the layers of gauze…

I get out of bed, registering in the back of my head that my yukata has been disheveled to the point that it barely covers my skin anymore. I shiver at a gust of cold air from the bathroom window. I remember opening it after I bathed.  
Hastily I try to pull the fabric around myself again when I feel my nipples stiffening, goose bumps rising on my arms and shoulders as I hurry to the telephone.

I pick up the handset and call the nurse’s office.  
“This is the infirmary of 15th armored division “Rozen Maiden”, how can I be of assistance?”  
“This is Taki Reizen speaking, I’d like you to send a nurse to my room with fresh bandages and anti-inflammatory medication”, I say quickly, only realizing my mistake when it’s too late.  
“Oh gods, Taki-sama, are you injured?!”, the lady who took my call turns away from the receiver and I hear her yell at her staff.  
“No, no! I am unhurt. I am absolutely fine!”, I insist, raising my voice when the chaos doesn’t seem to lessen.  
“I need them for my Knight. He came to ask for my assistance in a private matter, but his injuries were aggravated and now he is in great pain”, I summarize as inconspicuously as possible.  
There is a pause.  
“I see”  
“Please hurry. He has a fever and he bled through his bandages”, I mutter.  
“All right, Taki-sama. I will send someone immediately”

The call ends and I replace the handset in the cradle. I know it’ll take a few minutes for the nurses to arrive, so I decide to get dressed in the mean time. I notice that my yukata has a blood stain on the back, where Klaus’ wounded shoulder had been pressed up against me, so I note to myself to let the garment be washed along with my sheets and Klaus’ shirt, which I find on the ground next to the bed.  
He must have felt too hot, or maybe the fabric felt too rough on his skin… either way, I worry about him. I wish I could be of more help.  
But this was never my purpose. I wasn’t raised to be a carer of any kind. I was raised to be a lord…

I dress myself in casual training clothes, a hakama and keikogi; although both are tailored to my current physique, similarly to my yukata, neither are intended for _actual_ excersise.  
I wore a similar ensemble yesterday. It is more comfortable than my uniform, and since we currently seem to have a strange and tense kind of ceasefire, I don’t feel the need to be dressed in my military apparel right now.

When the nurses finally arrive, they give me questioning glances, but I remind them of their duties. They are here to help Klaus.

Thankfully they assure me that his injuries have not worsened too much. When he moved, he apparently put too much pressure on the stitches, which caused them to bleed, but he won’t need to be stitched again.  
They ‘spare me the details’ as they put it, giving Klaus antibiotics and painkillers so that he may be able to rest some more, without pain.

All this time, I linger near the window, gazing out into a pale blue sky, while I listen to Klaus soft groans. I feel his eyes on me.  
I know he’s searching for the traces of last night, when he held and kissed me.

I had been very embarrassed to find reddish marks on my nape and shoulders when I’d been dressing myself.  
My cheeks had burned with shame as I remembered his touches… even now, I feel my face grow hot, and I immediately suppress the thoughts again.

 

When Klaus is sufficiently treated the nurses leave, repeating again and again that he should go to the infirmary to rest, that he should not move around, that he shouldn’t strain himself anymore.  
I nod every time, feeling as though their reprimands were accusations against me, for not handling it better. Because I let him stay here, because I didn’t make him rest sooner…

“Taki”, Klaus mutters, laying flat on his back, left arm behind his head. I turn towards him. I feel… a rift between us.  
A secret that we are both aware of.

I lower my head.  
“Are… you feeling any better… yet?”, I ask, trying to steer us further away from that chasm, afraid what may await us at it’s bottom.  
“Good enough”, Klaus replies with a sigh. I chance another glance at him, only to find his eyes on me.  
“I have to be at the gate at 12 o’clock”

He pushed us down. We are falling.

“I see”, I croak hoarsely. “I’ll try to… draw away everyone’s attention”  
Klaus sits up and looks at me, eyes wide and eyebrows knitted together.  
“You… why would you do that?”

I lower my head and clear my throat.  
“Because I can’t have more suspicions arising around your allegiance. Isn’t that why you confided in me?”  
Klaus remains silent. From the corner of my eye I see him shift around, before he raises from the bed and walks over to me.

“But…”, he tries to start, but cuts himself off before saying another word.  
“You should go. I’ll have breakfast brought to your room. And put on some fresh clothes and remember to bring a jacket too when you go to…” he grabs my hand before I can finish, and somehow I forget what I’d wanted to say.  
I look up at him, while he looks down at me with sad eyes.

I want to ask him… I want to make sure, I want to know…! But I mustn’t.  
I have to trust him now.  
“Klaus…”, I start weakly.  
He grabs my shoulder with his right hand, stroking my clavicle with his thumb, while his left hand – his knuckles – brush my chest. I wince.  
He looks at me, studying my expression while he lowers his hand. I wonder if my child – our child – feels it, if it recognizes the warmth, the soft pressure.  
I wonder if it feels comforted by it, as much as I do.

It kicks and a smile dances around the corners of Klaus’ lips.

“Taki, do you trust me?”

I hold my breath for a moment.  
 _I do_ … the words feel heavy on my tongue; laming me.

I close my eyes, chin almost touching my chest, bowing in an unspoken apology.  
“What will you tell him”

Klaus’ hand on my belly moves slightly, his fingers stroking my skin back and forth, while the palm of his hand stays where it was, warm and heavy as before.  
“I need you to trust me”, he whispers. “Look at me”

I open my eyes and stare at his feet.  
His fingers cradle my jaw, and when he tilts my head back so I have nowhere to look but at him, I let him.

He looks at me with that same sadness as before, with warm, loving eyes; hooded and translucent from exhaustion and too many nights with too little sleep.  
“Taki, you” he sighs, “you two”

My eyes sting.

“You two are what’s most important to me”, he finally says. “You must believe me.”  
I close my eyes before the tears can fall, and bite my lip to hold back the sob.

I want to believe him, I want to trust him. I want it so desperately.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Notes: Phew, another hard chapter… I feel like it was lacking, but I hope it was still good…  
> Thank you for reading!
> 
> Translation:  
> (I didn’t add the first sentences, because Taki sort of translates them in his mind, so I hope those were clear)
> 
> Sie müssen mir die Unterlagen bringen! … Was? Nein, egal. Ist mir egal wie – You need to bring the files to me! … What? No, I don’t care. I don’t care how (you do it)
> 
> Jetzt hören Sie mir zu! Ich bin in Sicherheit, man verdächtigt mich nicht – Now listen to me! I am safe, nobody is suspecting me
> 
> Nein, jemand könnte mich hören. Außerdem… außerdem, brauche ich noch etwas – No, somebody could hear me. Aside from that… aside from that, I need something else


	29. Chapter 29

I feel like I’m forgetting something, as I sit on a wooden crate, just a few paces away from the gate.  
My back is resting against the wall which encloses the compound, staring into the sky.  
It’s one hella pretty day for November.

I close my eyes to feel the wind on my skin – only there is none – and sigh. I move my fingers a bit and only then remember that I’d shoved them into the pockets of my pants. Ah, I’m out of it. The painkillers are starting to wear off and the nurses that patched me up this morning didn’t give me any amphetamines either. So I’m kinda sinking into withdrawal.  
My shoulder is tingling and throbbing… I feel beads of sweat on my forehead… or is it my hair? I should get it cut…

When did I last get it cut… I can’t remember.

I do remember back at Luckenwalde though… When I would sometimes have my hair grow out a little, so it tickled the top of my ear and the back of my neck… and Taki would timidly snip off the tips that annoyed me…  
Because why go to the hairdresser or barber that often? It’s not cheap… and it never felt as nice. To have Taki’s soft, cool fingertips brush my ear, or my scalp…

I wonder if he’d do it for me again if I asked him…

Taki… I think to myself. Taki… sweet, sweet Taki… My fingers twitch. There’s a piece of paper in my left pocket.  
I trace the folded edge with my index-finger.  
It’s heavy paper. The kind that’s used for letters. I hope it’ll survive the transcontinental journey to Hartmann’s office desk.

I did all I could. I really did. I hope…

I hear the light clatter of wood, along with a few calls. Names, orders… More names and some more orders. Commands, followed by more clattering.  
Is it 12 then?

I want to go back and find Taki.

_No, get your shit together!_

But fuck… He literally holds my life in his hands. Is it so wrong that I want to keep an eye on my Master?  
I lower my head and scoff. This morning, before he made me leave, he told me not to lie to him, can you believe that? There I go, entrusting my life – _my fucking life!_ – to him and him alone, and he tells me not to lie to him…

“Jeez, that guy...”

I run my right hand through my hair and press my fingers to my scalp. Ah, this won’t do, my hands are just as hot as my head…

“Wolfstadt”

Finally that guy shows up. I look at him.  
I see he’s clearly uncomfortable, not even greeting me in any specific language, not sure how to behave this close to “the enemy”, and honestly, I can’t blame him. He keeps a grip on his horse’s reins, as though he was considering getting the fuck out of here as soon as possible.  
I smile and try to get my mind on track.  
“Old man...” I say, both to greet him, but also to establish our language. We are too close to Taki’s people – sure, most are at kendo-practice, but there may be some slackers who don’t participate – so it’s better not to give him away as a Westerner.

“Sorry you had to come all the way out here for me”, I say as he puts down the sack he’d been carrying under his arm.  
He frowns and grunts: “Not half as sorry as I am.”  
Yeah, I know. He’s sticking out his neck for me. I know that. It’s not like I could help it though. I lean forward, resting my arms lightly on my thighs.

I feel a painful tugging from my muscles, fanning out from my shoulder into my chest and even into my abs… I suppress a labored breath.  
This one small movement has made me dizzy and hot… Isn’t it supposed to be cold as fuck? The man is wearing a coat and gloves for crying out loud… and I’m not even wearing a shirt.

_That’s what I forgot!_

I can’t dwell on my realization though, as he reaches into the sack and pulls out a package tied with twine. Thank fuck he’s pulling this out first. Thank you so much…

I untie the string and open the package, sighing in relief when I see the familiar vials inside.  
“Thanks”, I say and swallow dryly, “This should do for a while.” I hope. I really, really do.

“I thought you stopped using that crap”, the old man murmurs, frowning at me from above.

I barely listen.  
I hear rustling in my ears, like the distressed wheeze of the air during a storm… Like the cry of the wind as my wings cut through it… and the faint whisper of snow under my feet…  
I unscrew the cap of the first vial, uncap a new syringe and suck up the liquid bliss. My skin is tingling with need, my shoulder throbbing and my head is burning up… and slowly… the cool caress that reaches inside my veins puts out the fire…

I feel myself smiling.

“You’re not under some obligation to risk your life here, you know?”

I know. But you don’t know. I don’t even lift my eyes to look at the old man. His words are background noise.  
I finally hear the rustle of wind… I finally feel the breath of winter on my skin. Running through my hair like a cold hand, petting my head.

“This isn’t like you”, he pauses and continues in a softer tone, “or have you become all serious now?”

I don’t answer.  
I am dead serious. I don’t act like it. I never really have, until now, have I? But I’ve been dead serious all this time.

Taki and I hold each other’s lives in our hands; more than that, actually. We hold the life of our unborn child in our hands; we hold the lives of a nation, of the world in our hands.  
I doubt I have ever been more serious. But I can’t say this, can I…

“Charge it to the usual account”, I say, raising my hand dismissively. “Take out whatever you like.”  
It’s not like I’ll need Hartmann’s spying-funds for much longer anyways.

“Wolfstadt, don’t blow your chance to get out”, the old man grunts, sounding almost angry.  
I keep my head down.  
He caught on to my implication, I see.

“You’re gonna burn”

I burst out laughing.  
I laugh so hard my lungs ache, my stomach hurts and my eyes burn with tears, but fuck, if it isn’t worth the pain… oh god, when did I last laugh like this?

Oh damn, I’m gonna cry… Fuck I’m dizzy.  
I brace myself and hold my forehead to catch my breath.  
“You”, I start, wheezing still, “are really behaving just like my old man”, I pant through the last painful huffs of laughter.  
Before Taki’s creeps or Eurote, or anyone for that matter gets to kill me, I’m gonna laugh myself to death, it seems…

Ah, I wish…

“It’s not like you either”, I point out, grinning at the guy. “Getting a crush on me?”

He sputters.

I raise to my feet, smiling still.  
“I just feel bad seeing some one from my own side die like a dog, you dumb bastard”, he grumbles into the wind. What a charmer.

“I’m just kidding”, I soothe. “Thanks for the warning”

The old man turns back to look at me, frowning.  
“I’ll be leaving here any day now”, he says. I purse my lips and nod once. He continues: “The search for traitors has gotten intense, and the job is becoming too difficult.”

I nod.  
This explains a lot, actually. There has been too much unexplained fuckery for the brass to sit still, so they kicked off a witch-hunt for spies. It also brings along implications I can’t fully grasp yet, but I feel like it’s important.

“You watch your back too.”

“Old man”, I call out, fingering the paper in my pocket. “Could you do me one last favor?”  
He glances back at me.

“What is it”, he asks gruffly.

I hold my breath for a moment. I’m doing the right thing. I feel it. I haven’t put it all together yet, but I feel it’s right.

I did all I could.

I hold out the paper.

“What is this?”, the old man asks without taking it from me.  
“A message”, I say hoarsely. “For Hartmann. Only him.” I thrust my hand into his direction, urging him to take it.

“A love letter?”, he guesses, unfolding the paper for a quick glance. I’m not an idiot. I encrypted my message.

_Fze tboab sxqbo. Qxhf obfwbk fpq pzetxkdbo. Fze tboab fek ebfoxqbk. Ar jrppq jbfkbk xabipqfqbi tfbaboebopqbiibk. Exiqb txccbkoreb. Tfo pfka fk dbcxeo. Jfq abfkbo eficb ybpqbeq elcckrkd xrc cofbabk._

“A simple Caesar-cypher?”, he asks, raising an eyebrow at me.  
“The best I could do”, I admit.

I’d like to see him try to encrypt a message while in pain and going through withdrawal…

“It’s not meant for you, so keep your eyes off it. And make sure nobody else sees it either. If you truly meant your warning earlier, you better keep that message safe”, I say nonchalantly, like my life totally doesn’t depend on it.

He gets it thankfully.

“All right”, he mutters and holds the paper to his chest.

I sigh.

It’s out of my hands now. All I can hope for, is that he’ll get it to Hartmann before it’s too late.  
I really did all I could.

I encrypted it, and I wrote it in German. If anyone from here, or Eurote gets it, they’ll hopefully take a while to decipher and translate it, and it it gets into anyone’s hands from the Alliance, it won’t really tell them much, because I didn’t put my name on it. Nobody aside from Hartmann and a few of his trusted agents even know I’m still alive – well, Sis knows. But I know she won’t rat me out – so whoever found the message wouldn’t suspect me.

I’m also not giving away any information that would be useful to anyone except for Hartmann himself.

I turn and face the wind, closing my eyes. The last thing I see is the compound and the gate behind which my fate lies.  
It’s out of my hands.

“Ah...”

I hold onto the collar of my jacket and let the wind whip my skin with it’s cold hands.  
“An east wind is blowing”, I murmur, looking into the sky. The clouds are stark white under the the sun. I want to fly through a sky like this. No snow, no rain, not a single speck of dirt to spoil the vivid blue.

This sky looks like home…

“I haven’t felt anything on my skin for so long”, only ever under it; cutting into it; crawling or burning…

Anger, desire, despair and need… and fear… all consuming fear, along with all consuming joy…

But it was like my body was an island among the rest of humankind. Where no caress could reach me…

“Even the events that happened only yesterday have become vague, like decades-old stories”, I murmur into the wind, “I used to think that this is surely what it’s like for the spirits of the dead to wander.” As vessels of their former selves. Unable to reach out to, or be reached by anyone or anything… rotting within themselves… unchanged as the time goes on…

But I feel again.

“It’s been forever since I’ve felt so good”

…

I follow the noise. I think I’m still trembling with joy and unfiltered emotion, when I arrive at the practice courtyard where I find Taki and his men.

I come to a halt, staying at a distance and observe. I remember how much I enjoyed watching him fight, how much I enjoyed fighting him, and once again I feel lightheaded with happiness, like nothing can bring me down from this high.

But something’s off.

Well, for one, Taki himself isn’t fighting. He’s holding a wooden sword, keeping it upright on the ground like a walking cane, but he doesn’t fight. He stands there tensely, a few paces away from the others who are sitting on the ground, watching his soldiers fight in pairs of two…

“Too rash, try it again”, he hisses as he observes the pair closest to him, cutting through the air with the blade of his left hand. His shoulders tense in a way that I know too well.  
The two start lunging at each other straight away, trying to heed Taki’s advice to make him proud.

Another pair is fighting further away from Taki, locked in a battle of endurance and patience more than agility and strength.

I come closer.  
People start to notice my presence, freezing in their movement, falling silent. Even the four men who are currently fighting pause their fights to look at me nervously.

Taki doesn’t turn.  
“Are you feeling better?”, he asks dryly. I almost wince at his voice, happiness forgotten.  
“Yeah”, I say. I feel like it’s a lie.  
I suddenly start feeling the clawing sense of dread again, worrying that I may have made a mistake after all. But I did all I could.  
I really did…

“I’m glad”, Taki says before taking a deep breath and glancing at his men again.  
“Go on. Takuya, remember what I told you”, he commands, forcing another gulp of air into his lungs. He holds it for a few seconds and releases it through his nostrils. I look down at him, studying his pale profile.  
He throws me a glance, like he didn’t expect me to be looking at him and practically recoils, as though he had been stung.

The wood clattering becomes louder and more frequent as the fights becomes more heated, none one of the men willing to show a weakness in front of everyone else; especially Taki.

Before long though, one fucks up and looses his balance as he lunges at his opponent. Taki takes a step forward, reaching out with his free hand as though he wanted to stop them, but I grab his forearm. He stops breathing.

The other two pause their fight, lowering their swords.  
“Daisuke, are you hurt?”, Taki asks, tugging his arm out of my grasp.  
The man is sitting on his ass, looking up at Taki meekly. His opponent reaches out to offer him a hand. Daisuke takes it and looks at Taki again.  
“No, Taki-sama, do not worry. I am unhurt”, he says and stands up, staggering a little.  
Taki sighs deeply and frowns.  
“You are too stiff in your movements. You must be able to respond to your opponent’s tactics”, Taki lectures, gripping the wooden sword a little tighter.

I can feel the tension radiating from him like electricity. I feel like I’m getting a shock every time he moves even just a little.

The soldiers feel it too, a few standing around Takuya and Daisuke. The two bow and go back to blend in with the rest who are sitting down, while the others look at each other to see who’ll go next.

One of them is holding his left hand, playing with a bandage that covers his palm. It’s the guy from Taki’s entourage.  
Date, was it?  
He looks up at Taki and nods once.

Taki’s eyes soften for a second, before he nods firmly, inviting him to stand where the others had fought before. Another soldier raises to his feet and steps forward glancing at Taki.  
Taki nods.  
“Go ahead”, he says softly. The sound of his voice makes the hair on my nape stand up and I run a hand through my hair and rub the back of my head to distract myself.  
I can’t place it, but something about Taki’s tone just now gave me chills…

Date and his adversary bow to each other before raising their wooden swords.  
The other pair bows to each other before joining the men who stand and watch.

“Go in, Date! Don’t tip-toe around him; strike!”, Taki coaches, as the fight doesn’t seem to start.  
Date lunges on instinct – what a rookie – but manages to pull back when he sees his strategy was a mistake. His opponent strikes and Date deflects the hit with his sword, backing away as soon as they loose contact.  
He’s clearly at a disadvantage with his injured hand, or at least he doesn’t really know how to work around it.  
Come to think of it, how _did_ he hurt his hand? Last time I saw him… before that mission… he was fine.  
Taki probably knows what happened.

Actually… maybe that’s why his voice was so soft when speaking to Date…  
He sounded almost apologetic…

“You’re wide open!”, Taki scolds, just before Date’s opponent lands a hit, sending him flying backwards.  
He lands just a meter away from Taki’s feet.

“That was way too much like the real thing”, Date whines, gripping his left hand. Taki hits his shoulder with his sword and Date howls.  
“Training is supposed to be like the real thing”, Taki lectures. Date creeps back to his seat.

“You have all forgotten the basic tactics! Neglecting your training like this…”, Taki sighs and rests his left hand over his belly.

I sigh and lower my head.

They are barefoot.

I look at Taki’s feet. I know exactly how they feel against my hands… How his body would flinch when my thumb would brush the arc of his foot, following the faint folds in the skin up to press into the pad of his big toe…

I know the little scrapes and scars on his soles… the small patches of pinkish skin… he was so cold…

I look up at him.  
He’s demonstrating a strike, holding his sword in front of himself. I wonder if he’s so tense because he’s cold…

“You use your opponent’s momentum to power your own attack, alright?”, Taki says, placing the blade of his hand against the wood to demonstrate.  
“Don’t push back against them like this”, he presses his hand against the wood, “Instead, you let them slide up towards you, and then you can disarm them”, he continues, throwing glances at his men to make sure they are paying attention.  
I know this move well. I’ve seen him use it so many times.  
I smirk and step up behind him, reaching around him.  
Taki flinches and grips the sword harder.  
“Or...” I start, guiding his hands with mine, “You could go for a strike like this.” I guide Taki’s hands and arms until his elbow is extended to the side and his body turned around. His back is pressing into my back.  
I feel his warmth seeping into me and before I can stop myself, I’m shivering as goosebumps cover my arms.  
I want to bury my nose in Taki’s nape and smell him…

“Like this you’d hit their unprotected face while keeping their sword at a distance with your own. If you hit the nose or eye they’ll go down immediately”, I say though, smiling at the reactions.

Some are fascinated, some look offended while the most of them just look like they’ve seen a ghost.

“Klaus”, Taki scolds and pushes back against me for a moment. He’s still afraid to hurt me, is he… “Nobody would hit their comrade in the face with their elbow”

I back off without releasing his right hand.  
“But they would strike a comrade’s nape with the back of an army rifle”, I breathe. He looks at me with wide eyes.  
“Nonsense”, he mutters and takes a deep breath to regain his composure.

Nobody heard my comment, yet they all watch, holding their breaths, to not miss a thing.

“Klaus is right though. In real combat, the move he demonstrated would be very useful.” Taki’s voice is strict, but less cold now.  
I smile.

“Can I have that?”, I ask, holding out my hand for Taki’s sword.  
“What do you want with it?”, Taki asks, blinking at me with disbelief.  
“I want to show them a move”, I say naturally.  
Taki shakes his head.  
“You are in no shape to be moving around”

I sigh, stepping closer to him to grab the sword before he can back away.  
“Tedium doesn’t agree with me. Also, after seeing your men fight, I worry more about them than myself”

Taki releases the wooden sword while his mouth falls open in exasperation. I smile and swing the sword over my shoulder.  
Before I can turn to address the soldiers though, Taki grabs my wrist.  
“You are injured”, he points out.  
“Date is injured too”, I point out and smirk when Taki frowns guiltily. He’s out of excuses.

“I’ll get all weak and out of shape if I stay put all the time”, I add when his frown deepens. I don’t want him to be this distraught over my injuries; dwelling on his feelings of guilt and worry.

Instead, I try to distract him.  
“Erinnerst du dich and unseren Kampf damals?”, I ask softly. “Wir haben ihn nie richtig entschieden, nicht wahr?”

Taki blushes, still embarrassed at his behavior back then. “D-das war doch nur…”, he stammers, but I cut him off. “Ach, ist das so?”  
He freezes.  
“Dann hast du mich damals doch gehört, nicht wahr?”, I tease, leaning in close like I’m about to whisper in his ear.  
Just like I did back then.

Taki looks like he’s ready to lash out, but I back off before he can.

“You guys are way too minimalistic in your movements. You are meant to be fighting for your lives, not performing a theatric stage play”, I start, using the tip of the sword to point at the soldiers.  
Some wince, some look away to hide their embarrassment.  
“What Taki said is right, use your opponent’s momentum to your own advantage, but if you keep deflecting and redirecting, you won’t really get anywhere”, I continue and glance at Taki. “He could disarm me with his bare hands if he tried”, I point out, earning a roar of disbelieving gasps and cheers for their amazing Taki-sama.

Taki lowers his head. Modest and humble little prince.

I lower the sword, tip almost touching the ground.  
“That is because he’s unafraid, unlike you all” - “Klaus”, he hisses, but I continue, swinging the sword through the air to simulate an attack, “I mean, I get it. You don’t want to beat up your buddies. You must be able to loose this mindset when facing an enemy though.” I strike again, using the full width of my body to push forward more than I could if I only used the sword.  
Pain surges through my shoulders.

The sword falls to the ground with a clatter while I clutch my shoulder with my left hand.

Taki sighs. He kneels and picks up the sword, holding it in his left hand.  
With a little difficulty he pushes himself up again.

“Indeed”, he says and raises his right hand, holding it in front of himself palm-up. “I don’t see any of you holding back with self-control. All I see is tension and fear.” He closes his hand, nails digging into his palm as he falls silent.  
“You must be ready to kill your enemy.” He lowers his hand.

Nobody seems to be too happy about this lecture.  
But we are still at war, even though things are slightly calmer at the moment.  
At a time like this, it’s too easy to forget that we are indeed fighting humans, that we are killing them.  
When you ride a tank it’s easy to forget.

In fact, I’m certain most of them are glad to forget, to make it easier to feel like a hero rather than a murderer.

 

“My, my… No need to make such long faces now”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note: Thank you for reading, the first half of this chapter kinda broke my heart… But, that’s not the main point! As you saw, I included Klaus’ encrypted message. I have given you all you need to decipher it (encryption method, message language, language samples – from previous chapters). So, give it a try! I promise it’s doable.  
> The first one to get it right will get a reward, such as a specified one-shot, or name-inclusion in the story, or something along those lines, I’m open for suggestions!
> 
> Translation:  
> Erinnerst du dich and unseren Kampf damals? - Do you remember that fight we had back then?
> 
> Wir haben ihn nie richtig entschieden, nicht wahr? - We never really decided it, did we?
> 
> D-das war doch nur… - T-that was …
> 
> Ach, ist das so? - Oh, is that so?
> 
> Dann hast du mich damals doch gehört, nicht wahr? - Then you heard me after all, didn’t you?
> 
>  
> 
> I hope you enjoyed the chapter, and I hope you’ll enjoy this small challenge!


	30. Chapter 30

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am supposed to add a note from Tenkamchi-sama, her internet is currently not working and it might take a week or 2.

My heart stops.

“Looks like the _Maiden Rose’s_ thorns are merely for show, just as before…”

I walk up to Taki, still holding my bad shoulder; nevertheless I’m ready to shield him with my own body. I know this man, and I don’t want him touch Taki, I don’t want him to even just _look_ at Taki…  
Hasebe seems to be on the same page as me for once, running towards Taki, panting heavily.  
“Taki-sama… It’s...”, he huffs, looking at Katsuragi with a level of fear I have never seen before.

I was absolutely right to distrust this guy if even Hasebe feels the need to shield Taki from him.

I observe him carefully. Something is really fucking strange about this guy. He looks just as young as on that picture I remember from Hartmann’s documents.  
It’s like time hadn’t moved on for him at all, like the smirk he’s wearing right now, is the exact same as the one on the photograph.

He lowers his chin just a tad and suddenly we are being circled by over a dozen men. Fuck, he was merely the vanguard for this affront.  
What does he think he’s doing!?

Then again… I feel sick to my stomach, because deep down I know that Taki and I are powerless to stop him.

I pray, I beg, I fucking beg to the gods – be they oriental or western – that the old man wasn’t caught by them.

He did say that everyone’s looking for traitors now… Fuck. Fuck… FUCK…

“This is a complete outrage!”, Hasebe bellows, turning his back on Taki to address Katsuragi.

Taki grabs my wrist. I glance at him. He is just as terrified as we are. He’s not showing it, but I can see it. I can smell it.

“Regardless of how high your own rank is, trespassing into the first branch-family’s territory is unacceptable!”, Hasebe continues, shaking with anger; or fear…  
Katsuragi sighs.  
“As devoted to your duty as ever, I see”, he murmurs, before glancing back at Taki and me. He raises his voice ever so slightly, “That’s all well and good – but I wonder, if it really is to your benefit, Reizen-dono…”

His eyes shift to the side to find mine, and I feel like he’s cutting into me with a razor-thin blade. It’s a cut that won’t bleed until you pull apart the skin; invisible torture…  
He is reading me, testing my capabilities to discern his threats…

“Katsuragi-dono”, Taki speaks up firmly. I look at him from the corner of my eye, never turning my attention away from Katsuragi though. Taki’s expression is kind but cold, just like his voice.  
“It’s just as my chamberlain says”, he says softly, “You are a member of the branch-families just as I am, so please show a little restraint.”

Hasebe mutters Taki’s name tensely, like he’s afraid of Katsuragi’s reaction.  
But Katsuragi merely huffs at that, smiling like he’s looking at a disobedient child.

Taki sees it too, wincing at the raw indignation of that look.

Date runs up to Taki, carrying his coat, whispering at him. Taki responds just as quietly, holding my wrist tighter.  
Date stands right next to Taki, holding the coat open for him and I’m glad for it, seeing as Taki is way too open right now. I need to cover, to hide, to shield him from this man… this alpha.

The stench of his confidence seems to get stronger with every passing minute.  
I throw a glance at his polished shoes. He takes a step forward.  
No.

I push Taki back, cutting him off mid-sentence without even hearing his words and stand in front of him, blocking him from view with my entire body. I don’t even feel the pain anymore.  
Katsuragi’s piercing eyes can try to cut me open as much as they want, I won’t crack.

I tower above him, taller and wider than him without even trying, glaring at him.

“Hat Ihr Auftrag hier nicht eher mit _mir_ zu tun?”, I ask coldly.  
A roar goes through the crowd. People all around are either offended or scared, but fuck them, this is between him and me.

“Hm…” Katsuragi’s smile changes from carefree to menacing, and his voice drops to a low, velvety rumble.  
“Wie kommen Sie darauf?”

“Ihre Augen”, I point out.  
He has the eyes of a man who knows no fear, a man whose eyes are stripped of their color, because they’ve seen too much…  
That’s how he aged without aging. Because no matter what, nothing can touch him.

I know I’ve hit the nail on the head when he looks at me like a disappointed child.

“An Ihnen haftet der gleiche Geruch… wie an mir”, I add.

I hear Taki’s breath hitch, and I know he understood me. Thank you…

I can literally see Katsuragi fall apart on the inside as he stares at me in disbelief. I know he’s not looking at me anymore. He’s looking through me, at something in his own past.  
Because the implication in my words is too strong for him to bear; because I disarmed him before he could even reach for his weapon.

He backs away, throwing his head back to let out a roaring laugh. I know I won.  
“Und da dachte ich, dass unser teurer Shinka einen Hund von etwas besserer Züchtung als Ritter erwählt hätte”, he talks through his fading laughter, “doch Sie scheinen überraschend ungezähmt zu sein.”

What an amateur.

Insulting me, instead of even attempting to disarm me. He just admitted defeat.

“Minister Katsuragi, sir!”, Uemura calls out of nowhere. He rushes in, followed by a full squad of soldiers.  
“You have my sincerest apologies that due to the sudden nature of your visit, I was unable to welcome you properly”, he announces, standing stiff as a board. He’s just as scared as Hasebe…

“If you’d be so kind as to wait just a little longer, please allow me to show you to a suitable room in the main building, to wait until the head of the household can dress for the occasion”, he continues firmly.  
Katsuragi scoffs.  
“He’s spoiled the fun”, he laments before glancing back at Taki and me. “Let’s call this one a draw”, he offers.  
Fake bastard.

Taki stands closer behind me and speaks up once more.  
“Katsuragi-dono”  
I glance back at him, but he pays no attention to me, pulling his coat tighter around himself.  
“I assure you, I won’t evade anything from the outset, whatever questions you have to investigate, I will do everything I can to answer”, Katsuragi halts in his movement, “or do you have to use these kinds of underhanded tactics…” I smell Taki’s fear as he gathers his courage, “… because you can’t get anything out of people without belittling them?”

Katsuragi looks back at Taki with grudging respect.

“Oh for heaven’s sake – you’re as uptight as always”, he groans and turns to leave at last. Only he won’t leave for good.  
“Fine, later then”, he sing-songs. “Oh, that’s right…! Please be sure to tell me all about why you appointed that man as your Knight”

Taki glances back at me like he’s afraid Katsuragi’s words could wound me. I shake my head at him, not to worry about me.  
In a hurry, all the soldiers are sent back to their dorms, to put on their uniforms, while Me, Date and another soldier, who had arrived with Uemura earlier accompany Taki back to his room.  
All the way back, Taki is silent, smiling ever so faintly whenever Date or the other guy throws him a worried glance.  
I guess I know what they all are thinking when they look at Taki like that. I know it, and I hate it.

They are thinking of him as an omega; their commander first and foremost, but in the back of their minds, there is the constant thought, that he is an omega, that he is pregnant with an alpha’s child… and that Katsuragi is an alpha.

“Taki-sama, do you need anything else?”, Date asks, lingering in the doorway, unsure if Taki will be safe with me alone.  
Taki raises one hand to soothe him.  
“I will be just fine. You go back and find Moriya”, he breathes softly.

The door shuts.

Taki remains frozen in place, teeth clenched, body tense as he fights to restrain himself.  
I walk up to him. He’s about to burst, and I’d rather have him do it here, than with Katsuragi around.

Suddenly he slams his fist onto the backrest of the small divan, trembling dangerously.  
“Taki”, I start, but he cuts me off.  
“… Right. We need you back at the infirmary before your injuries get worse.” His voice is eerily calm while his body remains overstrung. He walks up to the small table next to the divan’s armrest to reach the telephone, “2nd lieutenant Suguri can” - No, he can’t. I don’t need _another_ alpha here… even if it’s Suguri.  
I hold his hand down before he can pick up the handset.

“I’m fine now”, I insist, pressing my lips into his hair.

“Klaus”, Taki murmurs softly. His voice sounds listless, like he’s resigned to his fate.  
“What you told him before, that…”  
I cut him off, pull him closer, tighter, more… I’m fucking scared, and the only way I know to handle it is to fight whatever it is that’s scaring me… but fuck… fuck…

I am terrified of so many things that I cannot fight; that are untouchable, or too powerful, or just… out of my fucking reach…

I bury my nose in his nape and inhale his scent, hoping to soothe myself… at least he is here, right? I’ll calm down… I’ll be fine…

But fuck, this isn’t enough… It can’t be, it won’t be… but it fucking _has_ to be.

I want to smell… taste… feel him, feel him alive and well… I want to protect him… them. Both of them.

Taki’s back hits the wall, curtains hiding him from the world… my body shielding him from the world… Both our bodies shielding our child…  
But Taki… oh Taki… he is shaking like a leaf, fighting so hard to keep it together, while all he’s feeling is seeping out of his body…

I can feel his screams, the panicked flicker in his voice… but nothing is to be heard. I smell his fear…  
His tears… his pain… all of it. And it’ll always be so. He’ll always be mine… mine alone.  
Mine alone!

I squeeze him more, face hidden in his hair, while he pants against my chest… he’s not pushing me away… he couldn’t. He’s trying to protect himself from me, from all the things around us… his cold fingers, pale knuckles press into my hot skin…

Oh Taki…

“I won’t do anything”, I promise. I promised before, right? I won’t ever do anything… ever… unless…

He melts.  
“So please”, I whisper into his hair, “let me stay like this, just a little longer.”  
I inhale his scent and let myself be soothed by it… despite the bitter panic, sour fear… the putrid stench of despair…

He’s still sweet. So damn sweet… I’m gonna loose it.

He’s stopped trembling… unmoving like a statue… like a doll…  
I grip his wrist, his forearm and run my hands up his upper arms to his shoulders… I try to warm him, to bring him back to life…  
I pull him closer, hold him tighter… just fuck… just… don’t leave, don’t… wither, don’t fall, Taki… please…

Don’t fall for that guy.

I inhale his scent again, and it makes me dizzy with how sweet it is… I caress his nape, fingers searching for the crescent scar on his skin… there… right there…

He moans, hot breath hitting my shoulder…  
“… Shit”… I push him back a little, still cradling his nape, his face with my hands, and he looks up at me with this dazed, vulnerable expression, like he’s waiting for me to just… save the day… but fuck, Taki… I can’t.  
I want to… I want so much…

My fingers trace the tendons on his neck, his small jaw, his throat… his ears… his cheeks… lips… warm and damp… soft and pink… sweet… so sweet…  
My nose brushes his, and I wonder when I closed my eyes… but it doesn’t matter…

Just a taste, Taki… just that… no more…

Please…

…

I bite my lip and pull back.  
Not now… I can’t loose my shit right now… I’ve gone too far… way too far…

“I’m sorry”, I pant and pull myself back with all my might, before I really, really… really…

“I promised not to touch you anymore”, I remind myself and turn away before I …

 

… He holds me back.

I turn back around and look at him… at his crying face… His gaze cast downward, afraid to meet my eyes… but he’s pulling me back and he won’t let go.

I try to laugh…  
“Idiot”, I start, still resisting. “I can’t be held responsible if you’re gonna be like that”, I try once again. His hand slowly moves down the length of my forearm, fingers brushing across my bandages, until they reach my hand…

Fingertips grazing the back of my hand, following the veins down to my knuckles… my fingers… my fingertips… the palm of my hand…

His hand is damp and warm like mine… strong and firm…

I watch, frozen in shock as he lifts our entwined hands to his chest, just beneath his chin… he takes a shaky breath and lets it out…  
It tickles the small hairs on the back of my hand… my arm… the bandages…

A gesture from old days… old snow… old kindness… old love…

Warming a friend’s hand… holding… hands…

Holding my hand…

… in his… just… above… his heart…

 

I press him into the wall again, run my fingers through his hair, down to his nape… my fingers slip into his collar, press into his spine… but he holds me close.

He’s here… he’s here. Right here… pressing his lips to my knuckles as he stifles a sob.

 

I pull back his head and press my lips to his before he can stop me…

He winces, gasping as I steal his breath… both hands grasping at my chest for support, for warmth, for comfort…

His kiss tastes of salt, like sweat and tears… sour like fear and bitter like panic… I thrust my tongue into his mouth when he lets out a sweet little moan and suck in all the honey-like-sweetness he has to offer.  
I’ll drain him, devour him if I have to… I’ll make him mine. Mine alone. Forever…

He whimpers against my lips, clutching my arms with both hands like he’ll fall if he lets go… I stroke his back, holding him close with one hand in his nape while the other goes from his shoulders, down his spine to his waist…

I kiss his cheek, his temple… his ear and down his throat to graze my teeth across his skin…  
I’m going too far… but I won’t stop… and neither will he…

We are starved for affection, for tenderness… for love.

Oh Taki…

I pull back and look into his eyes, caressing his cheek with my left hand…

He looks up at me with glossy eyes… like a ray of golden sunlight shining down onto an icy lake in winter, the blue of his eyes seems uncharacteristically warm and vivid… he blinks and draws in a deep breath. I drop my gaze to his chest and watch it rise and fall, before looking at his eyes again. I brush away his hair from his face, but his eyes won’t come up to meet mine anymore.

He flickers like a flame and snatches my wrist before I even realize what is happening.

He rips off the bandages from my arm, and suddenly the realization hits me. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck…

Fuck… he saw them.

He grabs my hand before I can pull away and yanks me forward, swollen veins on display, skin littered with holes.  
Fresh ones too…

The warm glow in his eyes is replaced by a vicious glint that pierces me like a needle. I feel his body tense; I feel the rage which he is barely suppressing like static electricity.

Dangerous…

He is back. He is himself again.

Dedicated, deeply emotional, cold and sharp like a blade, soft like a flower… my alley cat, my king of roses… it’s him…

The only man who can force me to kneel with a single look…

His enraged expression fades into sorrow and the angry grip he had on my wrist loosens until he’s only barely touching my arm with his fingers.  
“Those are…” he mutters, voice breaking before can finish.

“They’re from the antibiotics and the painkillers”, I soothe, smiling.  
“That many?!”

“It would be a bother if my shoulder got infected”, I explain and flex my arm a little. Just so much it doesn’t hurt. He watches in disbelief and horror.  
“But…”  
“Ask Suguri if you think I’m lying”, I cut him off only to be cut off by the commotion outside. People are running around behind the door, shouting orders and names back and forth…

“Taki-sama!”

He whips around, staring at the door like he hadn’t expected to be called by his name, to be called -sama, to be called at all.

He looks like a world crashed down above him, that he wasn’t prepared to face.  
Like he’s waking from a long dream, facing reality for the first time.

I hear shouts outside and glance down. People are leaving hurriedly, shouting commands and orders at each other.

“Taki-sama!”

Taki helplessly wraps his arms around himself, like he’s trying to protect himself from the world around him.  
Everything in it…

The people who I thought were leaving are welcoming newcomers who pour in through the main gate, all in military apparel.  
Faces which I think I remember…

No… wait. Fuck.

This one guy… isn’t he a big name in the finance ministry? What was his name… fuck, where did I see him…?

“Taki-sama!”

Right! At Hartmann’s office. He was among the people I needed to look out for.  
Fuck… if he’s here, that means…

“So that’s how it is…” I mutter under my breath, only now fully grasping the reality of our situation.

“Taki-sama, please answer me!”

“Now I see what’s going on…” I feel dizzy, pain surging as the realization hits me. I grip my shoulder, pain bursting from even the smallest movement.  
“Klaus?”  
Oh no, Taki… Don’t worry about me now, please… anything but that…

“Are you in pain? Suguri can…” I cut him off, “It just aches a little, its no big deal”, I assure, forcing myself to stand up straight again.  
For now… just now. Come on…  
“But…” - “IT’S FINE!”

He grabs my arm with both hands and holds me in place.  
“It’s _NOT_ fine”, he yells, “AT ALL!”

I’m left thunderstruck by the tone of his voice alone…

“Didn’t I tell you not to lie to me?”

There is nothing I can say.

His life – just as much as mine – depends on the trust he placed in me. Not just that… our child’s future depends on it.  
Everything depends on it.

And I gave away the faith he put in me, let it out of my sight…

And he knows it.  
He knew, and still trusted me.

Because he so desperately wanted me to stay, to be with him, to be his…

The porcelain shell that contained him is shattered.

He’s human.

“Taki-sama, is something wrong?”

No… he mustn’t be.  
Not now.

This isn’t about him or me; us or our child…

He mustn’t be human now.

“Don’t worry. It’s really just painkillers”, I promise. “Trust me, even if it’s just for now”  
I’m not lying; I’m withholding information, yes. But it’s not a lie.

He doesn’t relax.

I’m tempted to soothe him, to stroke his hair, hold him close and keep him safe forever… but I mustn’t give in to this desire now.  
He doesn’t need my comfort now. He needs my strength.

“Hey, Taki”, I start, “have you ever flown over the ocean in total darkness?”  
He stops breathing.

“You can’t see a single thing. The starless sky, the moonless night… looking into that jet black darkness, we’d loose track of everything.”

We remained as islands, distant from each other… yet, even then, we were part of a whole.

“We’d fly in search of that tiny light, where the waves should end.” Where light should flood once more, where life should flicker and twinkle… where color and sound would eclipse the featureless gray…

… static…

“That hope, and that terror are still indelibly a part of my life.”

Taki’s hand releases my arm, and I turn away. The wall I built around myself, I took it down for him to see inside once.  
Just once.

But now we need to harden once more. There is no other way.

“Everyone’s the same. We all get scared, when we loose the light’s guidance”, because we can only rely on what we know.  
We don’t know darkness. We don’t know featureless gray static. We don’t know blinding white…

“All we can do is wander aimlessly”, I point out, “they’ll take advantage of our desperation and mistrust”

Soldiers, old and young, veterans and cadets alike run about, helplessly looking for an order to receive, for guidance to be given.

But we don’t have that luxury. We are the ones guiding.  
You are, Taki.

You must guide us all.

His eyes snap up to find mine, and finally… finally he’s waking.  
The golden sword, which he had left by the wall, I grab it and hold it out for him to take. He’s not just an omega; he’s not mine.  
He’s the commander of the 15th armored division ‘Rozen Maiden’; he is Taki Reizen.

“Don’t get lost.”

I smile. “It’s not like you”, and it never has been.

“On that day, didn’t we both decide that we’d be together?”  
And haven’t we been together since?

When everything around us becomes unknown, there is one thing we know.

“Being your sword is the only thing I have to be proud of”, I admit. So please, don’t loose sight of our wishes.  
Don’t forget who you are.

The sun is setting. Taki’s white skin glows under the golden light, like freshly fallen snow…

He holds out his hand and I lower the shaft onto the palm of his left hand. The fingers of his right hand curl around the handle of the sword one by one. And in one swift motion, he unsheathes it.

This is his true self.

“Give me five minutes!”, he yells, before they can knock and call for him again. “Klaus and I will come as soon as I’m done getting ready.”

I watch his back as he takes a few breaths, composing himself fully.

“Klaus”, he starts, voice firm and strict, “if you vow to be my sword, you cannot break before your scabbard does.”

He faces me.

I see it in his eyes, dull like the winter sky, cold like ice… I see the pain, the desperation, the fear… I see it all.

I know he knows, and I know the only thing we can do is face it head on; without hesitation.

My fingers find the cords on his sword, the red strings of our fate and kneel at his feet. This fate – no matter what it means for me – I will embrace it.

I will not break.

“Yes, my Master”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Notes: So… my heart is a crumpled heap of fragments and _shards_ after writing this… But I hope you enjoyed it as much as possible…
> 
> Translations:  
> Hat Ihr Auftrag hier nicht eher mit mir zu tun? - Isn’t your errand here with me?
> 
> Wie kommen Sie darauf? - Why would you think that?
> 
> Ihre Augen – your eyes
> 
> An Ihnen haftet der gleiche Geruch… wie an mir – I smell my own kind on you
> 
> Und da dachte ich, dass unser teurer Shinka einen Hund von etwas besserer Züchtung als Ritter erwählt hätte, doch Sie scheinen überraschend ungezähmt zu sein – And I thought our precious Shinka would have chosen a dog with a better pedigree, but you turn out to be surprisingly feral


	31. Chapter 31

_I hear the light clatter of wooden sticks colliding. People standing in a circle, cheering. A cold breeze chases yellowing leaves across the ground. People shuffle around to hide from the cold, pulling jackets and shirts tighter around their bodies with reddish fingers._

_Somewhere a person sneezes, somewhere another coughs._

_Again, the cheers gain volume. “Mach ihn fertig!”, one yells. “Schnapp' ihn dir!”, another cries. The clattering becomes more frequent, mingling with tense panting and occasional grunts._

_“Vorsicht!”  
“Hinter dir! Hinter dir!”_

_“Das zählte nicht!” - “Doch! Natürlich!”_

_“Reizen! Reizen! Reizen!”, again and again, they call his name as he easily pushes his opponent back._

_“Nicht nachlassen, Peter! Komm schon!”  
“Mach das Gelbgesicht fertig, na los!”_

_“Weiter, Peter!”_

_I watch them, pride swelling in my chest whenever Taki triumphs._

_“Gib's ihm, Reizen!”  
“Ja, mach ihn fertig!”_

_Taki growls, channeling his strength into his final move._

_It's so fast, I can barely keep up with his movement._

_In one second he deflects Peter's hit, sidestepping him and forcing him to the ground on his knees. Peter catches himself on his hands and knees, looking disoriented while the clatter of his makeshift sword announces his defeat._

_Taki places his foot on the wooden sword, aiming the tip of his own sword at Peters nape._

_A clear victory._

_Hans breaks through the line of spectators and claps both his hands over Taki's shoulders.  
“Reizen, you did it!”, he cheers._

_Taki nods once, before glancing at me.  
I smile at him._

_Hans looks at me too.  
“Klaus, didn't you see that? He was amazing! So agile! I can't believe it, no matter how many times I see it!”, Hans rambles on, underlining his words with poor imitations of Taki's swift moves.  
“I had no doubt he would win”, I simply state._

_Before Taki can say anything, the clattering takes up again, undercut by shouts and cheers, just as before.  
I reach out to pat Taki's shoulder, but no matter how far I stretch out my hand, I can't touch him._

_Another yell, with more clattering._

_That's strange, did my eyes trick me? I step closer towards Taki and try again, but once more, I'm unable to reach him._

_Hey, now, this isn't funny._

_Is he doing that? Avoiding me?  
“Taki?”, I ask._

_The clattering becomes more loud, ringing in my ears almost as if it was right next to me._

_“Taki”, I say again._

_He doesn't look at me anymore, lowering his head in silent submission._

_I walk up to him – when did he distance himself from me… ? – and grab his wrist… I try.  
I really do._

_I think I can feel his skin, the faint pulse of his veins under my thumb, the hardness of his wrist bone under my fingers… but I can't grab them._

_It's as though he dissolved the moment I touched him._

_I shudder._

_It's cold here, isn't it?_

_Of course it is. Autumn in the West is cold and wet. Mist hanging low over the buildings of Luckenwalde Military Academy.  
Right?_

_Another clatter and another yell._

_Shouting._

_“Taki!”_

_He's not here.  
No, where is he?_

_Another hit and another yell._

_More shouting._

_Blinding whiteness._

_Even the footsteps behind me don't show up against the infinite white. The sky is white, clouds and mist wafting above me like an old white linen cloth, washed out time and time again…  
I see nothing._

_I hear nothing._

_I smell nothing._

_A hit!  
A yell and distorted shouting._

_“Confess!”_

A hit. Disorienting pain…

I taste iron…

“Stop!”, somebody shouts. I know the person, I think. I have no idea, actually.  
All I know is that I’m in pain, and I want it to end.

“He’ll die at this rate”, the voice comes closer… I feel blinded, set ablaze, torn to pieces… am I dead yet?  
Not yet, right?

“Give him a break”, the voice insists. Something touches me, and I lean towards it, because it isn’t painful.  
“He may not have human rights, but he is still Taki-sama’s Knight”, the voice adds, while something cool and soft touches my face.

Am I crying?

My face feels wet…

“Hey now, none of that. Think of Taki-sama, come on”, the voice is right in front of me… Taki…

Taki…!

“… Ta… ki…” My tongue feels heavy… my mouth hurts…  
“Yes, Taki-sama. Think of him. Remember what he told you”

Taki… Taki… I want Taki. Where is he…?

Taki…

“Come on, Wolfstadt”

“Taki…”

A cold slap… my eyes open somehow… I see… Suguri…  
Where is Taki…?

He is leaving… without giving me an answer…

“To think that Reizen-dono would allow such an unrefined mutt near him, let alone appoint him as his Knight…”

Katsuragi…!

_Endure it, Klaus. Don’t resist, don’t fight. I beg you, Klaus._

_Endure it._

_Wait for me…_

I grit my teeth.

“Do make sure to wash off the grime before you see Reizen-dono, is that understood 2nd Lieutenant Suguri?”

He sits there… on a chair… legs crossed… smoking a cigar… that bastard… that fucking alpha bastard…  
Fuck… fuck I’ll kill him one day.

With my bare hands! I’ll fucking smash his glasses into his filthy eyes… I’ll rip out his tongue… I’ll break his teeth and shove them up his ass…  
No…

No… not an option… no. Too filthy… too disgusting…

I’ll shoot him… no… I’ll slash him.  
I’ll borrow Taki’s sword and fucking cut him to pieces… no… I’ll do it with my bare hands after all…

I’ll wear gloves.

The mere thought of having his fucking fluids on me makes me gag…

He sighs and drops his half-smoked cigar to the ground, not even bothering to put it out… that piece of shit…  
“Well then, we will talk again, Captain Wolfstadt”, Katsuragi says in a voice that makes me shiver with disgust.

Stay away from Taki… stay _the fuck_ away from him…

I know he goes to see Taki… I know it, because I fucking smell it… I smell Taki on him…

Stay away from him…

Taki… TAKI… TAKI, please, _fuck…_ Taki…

Don’t go with them… don’t… leave me…

Taki…

I grind my teeth together, holding back the grunts, screams… sobs… inside my chest… my throat… my body…

If I could, I would smash my head into the wall behind me… I’d kick over the chair that I’m sitting on, I would find a way…

I would… fall.

From the gray sky…

Find the tender touch of cold, flushed fingertips… let him lick my wounds until they close… let him kiss away the pain… let him hold me…

Just please…

Please… come to me…

Didn’t I come to you too, back then? That day, don’t you remember? Taki…  
My Taki…

I left Claudia behind, I left home behind for you… only you, Taki…

 

I wish you could see it all… the home I gave up for you… the memories I left behind for you, Taki…

Oh I wish I could see it… I wish I could see you standing there… The sky golden and endless… dotted with clouds, like foam on the ocean waves…  
I wish I could see white petals flying around you, carried on the same breeze that brings your scent to me; so much sweeter than any flower could ever hope to be…

I wish I could feel the faint touch of your fingertips as you caress the dark green leaves, as you tease the thorns…

I wish I could wait for you with warm water and a towel to wash the dirt off your feet…

I wish I could hear you laugh as you watch our child dance among the roses…

 

A sob tears itself from my throat and my vision blurs, as tears well up in my eyes.

Taki…

 

I don’t remember when the pain started again.  
I don’t know how long it’s been since then. If any time passed at all.

I don’t know who is hitting me, or why…

I don’t even know what’s keeping me awake anymore…

I feel sick…  
I feel like something is burning. I smell… something… like burnt onions and sweet butter… I smell sugar and decay…

“Do you confess to being a traitor? Or will you continue to deny any connection to your former associates?”

I choke down some vomit and force myself to breathe before trying to reply.  
“I am loyal… to commander Taki Reizen… only…”

“What a pity that you would still refuse to be honest”

More pain erupts from my shoulder… from my chest, my lungs… My throat burns…

I can’t breathe… I can’t… breathe…

I cough…  
choke… gag… spit…

… Blood…

 

Milk.  
I smell milk… I smell thick, warm and sweet milk… I smell Taki…  
“Thats it, just like that. Breathe”

I shudder violently and lean forward, deeper into the sweet scent… more…  
“You can’t possibly continue like this, Katsuragi-sama. Captain Wolfstadt will die if you do!”

“It is _your_ job to prevent this from happening, 2nd Lieutenant Suguri!”, Katsuragi hisses.  
“He should be able to survive at least this much anyways. What a pathetic performance for a _Knight_ ”, he spits hatefully.

“Don’t pay attention to him now, Klaus. Focus on this!”

I inhale once again… I groan as my eyes roll back… I feel dizzy…

I’m gonna pass out…

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note: Phew… heavy chapter.  
> This time, no translations. It’s on purpose, not a mistake.  
> Also, yay, an Illu!  
> Timelapse painting (with godawful voiceover):https://youtu.be/YjNu45vRDqw


	32. Chapter 32

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Notes: Important! I made a video, explaining and interpreting Maiden Rose and Shards at Luckenwalde! If you are interested in learning more about MR, about SaL and how they align, watch this video! It is quite long, but I think it’s worth your time.
> 
>  https://youtu.be/9Qq_IMCA8wo
> 
> And now I give you a Taki chapter… happy suffering, guys.

A jolt rouses me from my daze. Pain spreads from my nape down to my shoulders. My chest, my breasts feel tender and sore…  
I blink a few times.

I swallow dryly, surprised just how parched my throat feels and reach for the teacup on the table. I take a sip and almost spill the tea when I realize that it’s gone cold already.

That’s right… Katsuragi left.

Oh, then I have been staring blankly at the door… all this time?  
I put down the cup and push myself up onto my feet.

Oh no… my legs are numb… I must have sat here for over an hour… how did I loose track of time like this…? When did I…

No, it doesn’t matter.  
I kept it together for long enough. Katsuragi is gone already.  
It’s okay.  
It’s okay…

I hold onto the desk for support and walk over to the window, opening it a little to let in some fresh air to clear my head.  
Right… I need to focus. I need to think what I can do.

I shiver.

The air is so cold already…  
It’s almost December.

I wince and press my thighs together as tightly as I possibly can. That’s what must have woken me in the first place…  
A kick to the bladder.

Once the ache passes I stare out into the distance. The world beyond the window which I’m excluded from now. After Katsuragi’s set up trial, I was sentenced to be detained in my private quarters.  
Without an official trial, this is the worst Katsuragi can do to me.

All he can do, is either hope that I give in to his coercion or…

 

No.  
I mustn’t think about it.

I cannot let myself be shaken up like this. No matter what.

None of Katsuragi’s words may weaken my resolve.

 

Klaus depends on me. His life depends on my strength now.

And Katsuragi knows this.  
Time is on his side.  
If he manages to wear down Klaus so much, that he’ll divulge information which may be used against me, it’s over.  
And Klaus is…

I bite my lip.

Klaus is… hurt. Klaus is hurt, and I failed to save him. I failed to notice in time and keep him safe. He told me to trust him…

I did, and I shouldn’t have.

I should have done the right thing.

But…

It felt right.  
It felt good. Was it so wrong to crave it this much? Comfort… affection… tenderness… safety… even if it was just for that moment.

He told me to trust him, even if it’s just for a while. Even if he’ll go on to betray my trust.

And I couldn’t help but do as he told me.  
Sacrifice the future, for a short moment of solace in his arms. A kiss… a caress… warmth…

I was brought up to strive for the future. Always the future.

We stand upon the foundation that our forefathers left behind. It is our duty to move forward. That is the purpose of our birth, that is the purpose of this clan.

As vessels, we channel the power and wisdom of our gods to aid and guide the Son of Heaven, the Emperor himself.  
As such, we must be pure; removed from human suffering and temptation; we must stand above the men we rule and conquer.

But I have fallen from my position.

I still hold the same power, I hold the same rights as before, only due to the promise I gave my uncle to marry an appropriate alpha.  
I had hoped for Klaus to be the one. I had hoped so dearly.

I'm not attached to my power or my influence – in fact, though I'd never admit it, I often wish to give it away into somebody else's hands, so I could be free – but I have learned something: If you want to see change happen, you must be the one to make it.

And I cannot entrust this war-stricken-world to anyone but myself, if I want to build a world that's worth living in.  
I must fight for a future, so this child will live in freedom and dignity.

Therefore, even if it costs so many lives, and brings us so much pain, we must fight now.  
Our generations are lost already. So it's our job to see this war end, before another generation is tainted.

Katsuragi promised to end the war.

If only we would join forces with Eurote once more, just like we did in the first war. The war that saw Eurote’s Czar die before his successor was old enough to take the throne…  
The war that saw Regent Yustav’s rise to power…  
And with him, came Duchess Theodora, his wife.

Things are different now.  
My late grandfather made the mistake to trust Eurote back then, and I learned from that mistake.

After the war, until he died, he continued to lament his decision.  
The decision that cost us so much.

The decision that made him the first Emperor who wasn’t buried with our ancestors.

The violation of No man’s land indeed brought about the end of the first war. But nobody would claim to be victorious in this situation, except for Eurote.  
The troops which were sent to No man’s land by the Western Alliance were crushed by Eurote’s army, but since the conflict had taken place between the West and our country, and neither scored a victory, it became No man’s land.  
Katsuragi had been a young man back then. A staff officer with his very own Knight…

Some people suspect that he had something to do with the late Emperor’s decision and Eurote’s engagement.  
I myself was only an infant at that time, so there is no way for me to know for certain.

I cannot ignore those rumors though, for they must have originated somewhere. Either in propaganda, or in truth.

Either way, both options come with an array of troubles, and all of them go way beyond my knowledge or ability to judge the state of affairs.

The involvement of Oogi in this adds to the complexity of my division’s situation. I have been keenly aware of the financial pressure upon my division ever since the first attacks took place.  
The constant need for replacement components to repair our tanks, ammunition, fuel and rations alone caused my expenses to rise beyond those of all other divisions.  
No other division, aside from maybe Chrysanthemum, has to engage this much in direct confrontations though.

Oogi himself is not a threat. If anything I can hope that he’ll be able to provide some relief for my division as he will be able to relay information to the head of the finance ministry.  
If they decide to rely on Katsuragi’s _kind_ offers to provide financial aid though, my chances to win dwindle rapidly.

My eyes burn and my chest aches at the mere thought of loosing to Katsuragi’s blackmail.

I am dizzy… I nearly faint, managing to catch myself just in time before falling to the ground.

Oh no… Not now…

My vision is blurry, and my body feels heavy… maybe I can rest just a little…  
Lie down for a moment… just a little…  
I hold onto the wall for support as I stagger back to my bedroom.

Oh the sheets feel so cold… but I cannot… possibly…

… anymore…

 

Something warm touches me.  
Something moves me…

It feels so heavy, pressing down on my pelvis…

It’s so cold… it’s hard to breathe…  
My chest hurts…

“That I live to see a scene like this...”

This voice…

...Katsuragi!

I force my eyes to open and my mind to clear up. I feel dizzy and disoriented, blinking again and again to finally get my eyes to stay open.  
How long did I sleep…? I must have fallen asleep… somehow.

I shiver, pulling my yukata tighter around myself and screw my burning eyes shut, trying to hold back tears.  
To be seen… like this…

I bite my lip and press the heel of my hand to my aching…

… chest.

It’s wet.

How…?! There are damp spots on my yukata. Nothing could have been spilled… it’s… it must have leaked from… me…

“And there I thought you weren’t _that_ far along, Reizen-dono”

“Katsuragi-dono… aren’t you being a bit… too curious about me?” I mutter, trying to cover up my shame and horror.  
“Not at all, Reizen-dono”, he assures, squeezing my shoulder.

It was his hand that I felt… on my shoulder… turning me onto my back…  
I push myself up into a sitting position, not wanting to be this helpless in front of him… but …

“Taki-sama!”  
Ah… It’s Suguri, taking Katsuragi’s place.  
“Please, don’t exert yourself right now”, he utters tensely. “Here, use this handkerchief to dry your chest.”  
He holds out the handkerchief for me and eases me back down onto the mattress.  
“It hurts”, I admit quietly as I take the handkerchief and press it to my breast. Suguri nods.  
“It’s too early for you to lactate. It signifies a disruption in your hormonal balance.” He throws a glare in Katsuragi’s direction.  
“Katsuragi-sama, would you step aside please?”  
“But of course”, Katsuragi reassures and raises his hands.  
“And close that window”, Suguri adds.  
“It’s not good for him, is it”, Katsuragi muses and walks over to the open window at a very deliberate pace. His fake concern summons the same old nausea; the same old sour taste in the back of my throat…  
Him, pretending to care feels like another attempt to strike down my guard.  
It’s another way to try and find a vulnerability in me.

“Now then, I will feel for your child’s position, just to be safe.” I avoid Suguri’s eyes and nod once.  
He slides one of his hands under the yukata, while holding the fabric in place with his other. It’s not the best way to examine me, but given our circumstances it’s the best I could hope for.  
His fingers lightly press into my stomach, tracing the body within me carefully. When he moves his hand further down to gage the possible descent of my child, I tense up, screwing my eyes shut.  
Suguri withdraws his hand and utters an apology.  
I open my eyes again and shake my head at him. He has nothing to apologize for.  
He lowers his head briefly, before turning his gaze to Katsuragi’s back. He feigns polite reservation, standing there, looking out the window.  
“All good. It hasn’t turned, and hasn’t dropped into your pelvis yet”, Suguri sighs, audibly relieved. He looks at me.  
“The secretion of colostrum from your breasts is likely due to… stress”

“How is he”  
Suguri doesn’t look at me.

“I will help you change into a clean yukata, Taki-sama”, he offers and walks over to my wardrobe, opposite to the bed.  
His answer… would be enough kill me, if it wasn’t for my promise.

I promised to come for him. So I will, no matter what.

It’s so hard to push myself up onto my feet, to walk over to the wardrobe, to allow Suguri to undress and redress me.  
It’s so hard to bear the knowing look in his eyes.

He tugs the collar up around my nape, covering up the swollen bruise _he_ had left on me.  
It has been almost a week since then.  
The blue has faded, leaving only a sickly yellow beneath my skin.

All of his touches have faded. Only the memory of them lingers within me, out of sight.  
Hidden…

“Excuse me”, I choke and walk to my bathroom, locking myself inside.  
I need to hurry… Katsuragi can order Suguri to kick down the door if he suspects that I did anything to myself.

I lower myself onto the toilet seat, wincing at the coldness.  
As my child grows heavier, it is harder to endure the pressure it puts on my bladder, especially when it stretches its legs.  
Not to mention the ache inside of me… a pain I couldn’t confess even to Suguri…

I hide my face in my hands and bite back a groan.

It had hurt so much… and it still does.  
The smell of rubbing alcohol, of blood and pus, of sweat and tears… the dizzying heat from his feverish body, his hot breath…  
The weight of his body as he held me down… I still feel it… his touches, deep inside me…

I take a breath to calm myself and rise to my feet again, clean myself and flush.

If I wasn’t so desperate, I would laugh at my child’s vehement attempts at claiming more space to move around in.  
“Hey now… be still, please… please…” I sigh and rub the underside of my belly in hopes of soothing my child so that it may sleep a little.

“Taki-sama?”  
“I am fine. I need just another minute!”

Silence follows.  
I let out a deep sigh and close my eyes before turning to the faucet. I turn on the cold water and run my wet, cold hands through my face, pressing my fingertips to my eyes, hoping to wash away all traces of tears there might have been left.

I dry my face and throw one last glance into the mirror.  
My collar is pulled up, my face dry.

I turn towards the door. One last breath before I unlock and open it.

Suguri throws me a worried glance.  
I shake my head and force a smile.

“So, are you feeling better now?”, Katsuragi asks, half-sitting on the edge of my desk. The impatient glint in his eyes betrays his calm expression.  
I lower my head briefly.  
“Very much so, thank you for asking.”  
“I’m glad to hear that”, he smiles. It doesn’t reach his eyes at all. “I would be very unhappy if some malady would befall you, especially considering your circumstances.”

“I am in good hands.”  
“You could be in even better hands. Same goes for your poor Knight”, Katsuragi sighs and looks out into the dawning sky.

“I have yet to find a better doctor than Suguri”, I mutter.  
Katsuragi turns around and looks at me.  
“Again and again, I tell you: You haven’t even tried to find a better one than him”, he reminds and walks towards me.  
“I keep telling you, that I would end the war if only you’d let me”, he continues, “I know you would wish for nothing more, than to see your child grow up in peace.”

“I’d rather raise my child in freedom”, I retort.

We’ve gone through this argument time and time again.

“Reizen-dono”, he starts; the tone in his voice looses its fake kindness. “We both know that nothing can be achieved without sacrifice.”

“Katsuragi-dono. Some things must never be sacrificed”, I insist.  
“Like freedom? Loyalty? Life?”

I clench my teeth.

“For your sake alone, your Knight is suffering. He gave his freedom for you. And this is your thanks for his loyalty? This is your thanks for the loyalty of all the men who gave their lives for you?”, Katsuragi’s voice is like thick, pale honey. His scent is oppressive, wearing me down with every breath I take.

“This is my sacrifice for the sake of those, who have yet to be born. To be born… to grow up and live in freedom! In dignity.”  
I hold my ground.

He sighs and rolls his eyes.

Time is on his side.

When Klaus falters; when I give in; when my division is crushed; when my child is born… he will win.

“Reizen-dono, you act as though I was trying to sell us all into slavery”, Katsuragi chuckles.  
“You are!”

He glares at me over the rim of his glasses.  
“We are not having this argument again”, he insists.

“Yes we are. I will argue as many times necessary. We will be enslaved as Eurote’s playthings if I let you have your way”, I retort. “Why _are_ we involved in this war to begin with, did you forget that already? It’s because we are indebted to Eurote!”

Katsuragi’s scent becomes even heavier. This is my trump card. Slowly but surely, every time I mention that war, he becomes desperate and makes mistakes.  
“Is this your attempt at changing history? Making things right now?”, I continue to pressure him.  
“I did nothing wrong, unlike your late grandfather”, he counters smugly, but I’m not falling for this.  
“You didn’t stop him”, I point out.  
“What makes you believe that I could have stopped him in the first place?”

“Don’t pretend like you’ve only recently started to interact with Eurote’s higher-ups”, I smile. “You are not the only one who uses his influence to gain favors”

He grins.  
“Is that a confession?”

“Not at all, Katsuragi-dono.” His grin fades.  
“I don’t need to enlighten you on my status and the loyalty that it inspires. You are a first-hand-witness after all.”

He laughs.  
“Oh please”, he chides, “look where you are now because of all that _loyalty_.” He makes a grand gesture, encompassing the room we are in.  
My prison.

“Sure”, I concede, lowering my head. “But I am _not_ kissing the feet of an Eurotean femme fatal.”

His expression softens.  
“What makes you think that you’d otherwise be doing so?”, he asks and raises one hand as though he was about to touch me.  
“Am I wrong?”, I ask as steadily as possible.  
“Oh, so wrong”, he shakes his head in exasperation. “How could you think that lady Theodora would treat her spouse this heartlessly?”

“I am not her spouse, so don’t refer to me as such”

“Let’s not mince words, Reizen-dono”, Katsuragi sighs. “You would be a highly respected member of Eurote’s leading family, the embodiment of both our countries’ union”

“And our country’s enslavement”

“Victory. Peace. Protection. Advancement and growth, Reizen-dono”, he insists, “I’m afraid you are placing your personal desires above the country’s. You are so afraid of your own losses, which I admit, will be hard to bear, that you’d rather see the entire country suffer for it.”

“What do you possibly know about my desires and sacrifices, Katsuragi-dono”, I hiss through clenched teeth.  
“Come again?”, Katsuragi leans in closer to me. His scent is so thick, it’s hard to breathe.

“I will guide our country to victory and peace. I will ensure it’s protection with my own two hands, and I will pave the way for the advancement and growth that you are so adamant about, without sacrificing our country’s identity, culture and freedom!”

“Will you do that, Reizen-dono?”, Katsuragi scoffs. “Oogi-kun told me you had to use your own family’s savings to finance the repair and maintenance of your division’s vehicles, because you used up the budget you were given, and Tachibana-dono refused to lend you anymore from his own”, he points out. “And if I may remind you, I have offered to support your division, but you refused every single time.”

“And I will continue to refuse your offers”, I assure. “I have learned from my grandfather’s mistakes. I know that nothing is given to anyone for free. Everything has to be payed for eventually”

“I have heard no truer words in my entire life, Reizen-dono”, Katsuragi agrees and crosses his arms. He acts like this exchange means a victory for him; but his body language tells me the truth.

“What makes Tachibana-dono so different from me though?”  
Katsuragi waits for me to answer.  
I don’t say a word.  
So he continues: “He is a member of the branch families, his status is on par with mine, so where is the difference?”

“Don’t be mistaken, Katsuragi-dono. His status is on par with _mine_ , not yours. He has nothing to gain from my losses”, unlike you.

“I’m not trying to _gain_ anything from your losses, Reizen-dono”, Katsuragi pretends to be hurt.  
What a farce…

Once I’m married to Theodora, my position becomes free. Katsuragi will certainly try to put an ally of his in this position; someone who’ll obey his orders unlike me.  
As an omega, I will have no choice but to obey Theodora.

And if my judgment of her motives is anything to go by, she will get rid of any competition, placing herself and her husband on the throne, with me to guarantee the continuation of her dynasty.  
Not to mention, that I would be a political hostage, further consolidating her reign.

The emperor would either have to submit to Eurote’s demands, or sacrifice me and my offspring. And I know my uncle well enough to understand, that he would never do that.  
Katsuragi knows this as well.

He drops the act and smiles instead.  
“What a heartless Master you indeed are…” he sighs and throws a glance at his wristwatch. “I think I will let you rest some more now. Wouldn’t want any harm to come to you or your precious child.” His eyes drop to my stomach for a moment. He looks me in the eyes and his expression softens. His gaze drops again lingering on my chest this time.

I look down at myself.

Again…

“2nd Lieutenant Suguri, if you would please concern yourself with Reizen-dono’s health once more before we leave”, Katsuragi asks and feigns weariness.

Suguri strides across the room to my side immediately.  
“Taki-sama”, he calls softly. “Please lie down for tonight. I know you are too restless to sleep, but you are pushing yourself too far”, as he speaks he leads me back to my bed and kneels in front of me once I sit on the edge of the mattress.  
We are out of sight from Katsuragi, but certainly not out of earshot.

He places the handkerchief in my palm again, guiding my hand to my damp chest. I hiss at the stinging pain.  
“Why is this happening…”

Suguri sighs.  
“It’s… an instinctual response to danger. Lactation is so strongly associated with pregnancy and birth, that any alpha will be inclined to aid and protect the omega”, he explains.  
His expression tells me more than his words.

“Have you dried your chest?”, he asks softly. I press the handkerchief down on my nipples, letting more of that yellowish milk seep into the fabric.  
“Give it to me, I will have it washed for you”

I hand over the damp cloth, vaguely comforted by Suguri’s small nod and smile.  
He grabs my hands and squeezes them for a second; he then rises to his feet and turns to leave.  
Every echoing step feels like it lasts way too long. I am too aware of the two pairs of feet, too aware of the sound…

The door falls shut and I am on my own again.

I can only crawl into the middle of my bed and hide my face into the sheets to muffle my sobs. I need to scream, to thrash about, to cry… I need to release the tension within me somehow.  
But all I can do now is sob weakly.

I have no strength left anymore.

Katsuragi has worn me down, just as he intended.

Every word he throws my way chips away a piece of me. I am a sore and overstrung bundle of fleeting hopes.

It would all be so much easier, if I gave in.

 _His_ suffering would end… he would be taken away from here… his memory would fade from my thoughts. The child would be born safely, and it too would be taken away from me…

But I wouldn't need to worry anymore. I would live in safety and comfortable luxury as an exotic trophy…

I wouldn’t need to hear the screams, I wouldn’t need to see the blood… anymore.

I wouldn’t need to worry anymore.

Not about them…

 

Not about him…

I would never see that smile again… my body would nevermore go weak in his arms… his lips would never again chase away my fears…

I would be an empty shell… with no more pain inside.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Notes: I hope you enjoyed this chapter somehow…  
> Just to clarify, in case it was a bit complicated to follow along: this chapter’s beginning aligns with last chapter’s halfway point. So, Katsuragi is leaving now and about to go back to torture Klaus some more. That situation is what happens at the end of the last chapter.


	33. Chapter 33

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note: Now… this is a heavy chapter. Worse than 31 and 32… in my opinion at least.

I cling to the drying smear of Taki’s scent above my lip. The souring trace of milk, of honey, of love… of warmth and peace…

My numb fingers itch to feel that warmth once again. I don’t want anything. Just to feel him once more… to feel a touch that won’t cause me pain.  
No more…

Even if he wasn’t within my sight, even if his hand would just touch mine…

If only I could pull him close by this hand he extended to me… bury my face in his warm chest and breathe more of this scent… the sweetness that takes my mind away from this dirty cell…

I see his eyes before me, like storm clouds amidst the golden fields that were my home. Whatever I clung to in the past, to find comfort in my pain seems to be so silly and ineffective now.  
The loss of my comrades, the loss of light…

Frostbite and gangrene left and right… today it’s replaced by the blurring inferno within me…

What I used to think of back then… Claudia and her garden… the taste of honey, made from the roses that we had plucked… none of it reaches me anymore.

I neither see the stars, nor do I feel the wind anymore…

I try to lick my lips, but my tongue is dry and heavy… my lips are sore… the taste of iron spoils the sweetness that was left in my mouth and nose.  
The scent, the taste of Taki…

If only he was here… If only I could see him once more… it’s fine if I can’t touch him anymore. It’s fine.

Just let me see him.  
Just let me see his eyes once more… please…

That is all I ask…

 

Would he cry if he was here? Would he cry if he saw me?  
Would I once more see those golden blossoms, would they part before me as I found him again? Could I see him wipe his tears and smile at me?

Probably not…

All I can think of is his crying voice as he looks at me… begging me to… to endure…

Oh, if he saw me now… he would cry…  
He would try to comfort me through his sobs, forgetting about everything else… silly Taki…

So silly… Getting flustered over the simplest things.  
Reaching a book, trying a new dish, sipping tea when it’s still too hot… undressing after getting caught in the rain… passing out from malnutrition…  
Stumbling through the snow…

Shouting commands through clenched teeth…

Calling out my name…

No, it’s good he isn’t here.  
I can’t have him breaking any more. I mean… can you imagine him not freaking out over this? I sure can’t…

Ah fuck, I’ll have to die alone, I guess. Maybe it’s better.  
No, it’s definitely better.  
Out of sight… as the unknown stranger that I was…

What would they even write on my tombstone… ah, nonsense. I’d be thrown into a pit somewhere, a spy, a traitor… murderer… everything…

Ah… and Taki would live on… maybe.  
And our child too…

Fuck… I wish I could be there…  
Hold it at least once before I go.

Maybe I wouldn’t be able to leave if I did… maybe I’d turn into a ghost… I would haunt them… ah shit…  
It would make Taki cry even more, wouldn’t it…

But maybe it would make the kid smile… just maybe…

I would hope it does…

There is a movement on the other side of the bars…  
“Wolfstadt. Breakfast.”

The door is opened, and the creak of those metal hinges makes my teeth hurt. The smell of men… and food… it makes me sick.  
Their bodies are nothing but a blurry shape before my eyes. Their movements too quick to follow even if they’re taking their sweet time…

The two guards come closer hesitantly. Neither of them wants to be doing this.  
Take care of the traitor – or whatever they were told… I can’t be looking too good; probably not smelling too great either…  
One tilts back my head, holding onto my forehead and chin with gloved hands, while the other presses the rim of a warm bowl to my lips.

Water with overcooked rice flows into my mouth. I struggle to breathe in time to swallow without gagging.  
A lump gets stuck in my throat – or maybe I just fucked up at swallowing – and I start coughing uncontrollably.  
The guy who held back my head pulls on my hair as I bend over, so fucking close to throwing up in my own damp lap…

They wait a little before leaning me back again and pouring more of that soup into my mouth. It overflows, running down my chin, down my neck…

I want to scream and cry… not that I could… not that it would help at all…

I feel constricted in my own body, trapped within myself.

Is this what a child feels like before it’s born? Who knows…

 

For a while they take off my restraints to wipe me down with a wet cloth… I almost wish they didn’t do this, even if I feel so filthy I want to puke. Every touch feels like it’s tearing- burning off my skin. They press into my flesh too hard… they rub too much, they scrape me off my bones…

And whenever they run the cloths over my shoulder and chest it hurts so much I can’t hold back the screams.

My lungs are on fire and my bones feel like they’re on the verge of breaking…

I almost wish I could die at last. I mustn’t, I know. But the thought remains.

As does the agony.

They shackle me to the chair again and leave. They don’t even bother to shut the door. Maybe to grant me a breath of fresh air… unlikely, but I can hope.  
I can dream of freedom for a moment.

Just a little moment.

Dazzling sunlight and the vibrant blue of an untouched sky…

Warm milk after a day out in the snow…

A chest to lean into, and a hand to hold after a nightmare…

 

Soft laughter, muffled by a door. Kind mentions of an absent person. Smiles… faintly flushed cheeks when our eyes meet at last…

Taki…

No… wait. Wait… it’s him. It’s his scent… it’s here, it’s the real thing…

It’s so heavy and potent I feel like the sheer intensity will make me throw up. I can’t stop inhaling it though, forcing my aching lungs to expand more.  
More, Taki…

I hear voices… but I only listen for one.  
Only his, but he remains silent.

 

Oh he is so pale…  
“Would you look at that… When you treat an animal like the animal it is, it’s true nature becomes visible, don’t you agree, Reizen-dono?”  
Don’t do this… please…

Don’t make him look…

He can’t see me like this… please…

_Smile, come on… do it for him!_

It’s not that bad, Taki… please don’t look. Please…  
You mustn’t cry in front of him.

I’ll loose you if you do, Taki.

Don’t do that to me.

Taki…

 

He inhales and exhales. His collar bones glisten with a sheen of sweat. The collar of his robe is pulled up high around his nape.  
I see him shiver and glance at his naked feet…

“Now, is it truly worth putting him through this?”

I look up.

 

His eyes frighten me.  
“Katsuragi-dono”, he murmurs softly, “I have not forgotten my position, and my duty to protect this country. One man’s suffering, as much as it may hurt me, is not enough to make me surrender”

Katsuragi smiles and nods once.  
Taki is looking at me, but he doesn’t see me… I don’t believe he does.

“I’m glad then”, Katsuragi chants then, sitting down in his chair again, legs crossed and hands folded over his knee. “Hopefully you will aid us in serving justice then.”  
Before Taki can respond, he is flanked by two guards. One of them grabs the chain between his shackled wrists and pulls him forward a few steps, while the other seems to be there as reinforcement, should Taki try to struggle.

“Order him to confess, please. He won’t obey me”, Katsuragi says, fake pity dripping from his words. “I pray that he’ll at least obey his Master”, he adds, smirking at Taki.

I never thought I’d pray to see hatred in his eyes; I never thought, I’d ever pray to see despair and pain in them…  
But now that I’m staring into his eyes, and all I see is that same clear blue, I can’t help but wish my pain upon him.

I’d rather see him cry than see him dead like this.  
But he won’t blink; his eyes won’t shine; his tears won’t fall.

He inhales, and I can tell it hurts him…

“My Knight”, he breathes, barely audible. His eyes meet mine.

I’m barely able to hold back my tears as I see him shatter and crumble inside, while the shell of his former self remains cold and unshaken.  
A doll… a husk.

With nothing left inside but the echo of a desperate scream.

“Confess”

I want to. I wish I could…

It hurts so much, Taki. I endured it for you.  
For the future, for the wish that you entrusted me with. Because you couldn't hold on to it, because of who you are.  
But it’s still here, safe with me.

Don’t give it up.

“Not obeying your Master either, huh”

 

More than my own scream, or the shock wave from the impact, or my own pain… I notice the jingle of Taki’s shackles as he winces.

No… No, Taki… don’t.

Please.  
Please, don’t…

Taki, I swore not to break before you do. So don’t break!  
You mustn’t!

 

“Reizen-dono, why won’t you give in at last?”, Katsuragi sighs and gets up to walk towards Taki. He stands in front of him and lowers his head, looking at Taki’s face, before dropping his gaze to his chest.

He presses the knuckle of his index finger to Taki’s chest. Taki’s mouth falls open in a voiceless scream.  
Katsuragi tilts his head.  
“It can’t be pleasant for you”, he muses, pulling back his finger. “Forgive me if I hurt you”, he adds.

Something is staining Taki’s robe, a damp spot forming where Katsuragi had placed his finger earlier…  
Katsuragi wags his finger and clicks his tongue disapprovingly.

It’s milk.

 

 _TAKI…!_  
“Oho!”, Katsuragi cheers, and I realize I must have said Taki’s name out loud…  
Whatever front Taki had been putting up until now, it falters now, and nothing but horror and despair paints his face.

“What an indecent way to address your Master”, Katsuragi chides, and nods towards the man holding the cane.

I screw my eyes shut and clench my teeth before I can fuck up even more.  
No more… forgive me Taki.

“I have not ordered my Knight to address me in any certain way, you have no right to punish him!”, Taki yells before the cane makes contact.  
“Your suspicion towards his allegiance has nothing to do with how he addresses me, and any injury you inflict upon him for this reason will be treated as the abuse of an innocent man!”

“Reizen-dono… If you are so concerned with this man’s health, you should consider working with me”, Katsuragi murmurs sweetly. “He disobeyed your orders and caused me and my allies tremendous problems. I would overlook all of this and treat it as a minor inconvenience, if you would be willing to give in to me”

“I won’t”, Taki chokes out and grinds his teeth.

“Give in”, Katsuragi repeats.

“No”

“ _Give in_ ”

“N- no” Taki winces before shuddering violently. The guards next to him call out his name in surprise and try to support him while he hangs his head and clutches his belly.

Don’t tell me… no… not now…

 

Or… wait.

A few yellow drops run down his ankles, a few more fall on the ground between his feet.

I have no idea how to react… even just within my mind…  
A part of me wants to laugh, because apparently our child has a say in this matter too, but the rest of me wants to cry, because I never wanted to see Taki like this.

For his own sake.  
Because I know how much he values his own dignity, and that of others.

And now he had to be seen like this… by our worst enemy.

Katsuragi stares for a few seconds before he bursts out laughing.  
“Oh gods…” he wheezes, “I feel honored to witness this… Reizen-dono!”

He walks up closer to Taki and cradles his cheek, tilting his head back so that he may look at his face.  
“Aren’t you so precious, Shinka. Unable to control yourself in the presence of your men. Look at yourself”, Katsuragi taunts and pulls Taki’s robe down over his shoulders to reveal his wet chest; drops of cream colored milk oozing from his reddened nipples.

Taki sobs.  
Katsuragi freezes, staring at Taki.  
“My goodness”, he whispers and tilts down Taki’s head with one hand, while the other traces a swollen bruise in his nape.

How… who. Who put this mark on him… who did this?!  
When!?

“I see now, Reizen-dono”, Katsuragi murmurs, nodding to himself, “how perfect you and him are for each other”, he says and turns to look at me.  
“I see you found yourself a good little bitch”

What is he talking about!?

“I see why you refused my offers all this time now, Reizen-dono”, he goes on and paces back and forth in front of Taki.  
“There was no way you could have offered yourself to Lady Theodora when your body looked this indecent”, he muses, “to think that you would break your vows not once… but … however many times… and yet, you still claim to be in your rightful position, as commander… as Shinka…”

Katsuragi stops and looks back at Taki.  
“I don’t understand though. I assume you hoped to save your dignity, by marrying an alpha before the birth of your child. If that is the case, why do you refuse Lady Theodora so vehemently? I am certain she would come to accept you as you are, Reizen-dono.”

I try desperately to understand the words that Katsuragi is saying, I try to understand what is happening…  
I try, because I need to save Taki.  
Because he can’t go on anymore.

I see that he is breaking. He is sobbing silently, shaking his head weakly.

You can’t give in, Taki.  
Taki.  
Taki, please!

Please… don’t give in. Don’t forget about us.  
Don’t forget about our wishes.

You don’t need her.

You only need me, remember?  
 _If only it could be with you…_ That’s what you said, isn’t it?  
Taki…

 

Oh, Taki…

“If… if only… it could”, my throat is burning. My lungs ache… “be with you… even… even beyond this sky…”

Taki’s eyes find mine.

“Anywhere we went… would be… fine”

 

There are no words… to describe him now. No words to describe how the warmth returned to his eyes, only to be washed away by tears. His cheeks redden, and his scent grows warmer again… yet so unlike the warmth I crave; so much more raw… like blood, like a fresh wound…

Like blood in a field of snow…

“IMPERTINENCE!”, Katsuragi shouts and rips the cane out of the guard’s hands, lashing out in his fury.  
“You are a traitor! You are a liar, all of you are the same! Self righteous and proud, you force your beliefs upon all others with no regard for what’s theirs!”

He hits me with his arm, toppling the chair and with nothing to hold or support me I crash to the ground and everything goes black.

 

I’m not in bed, right?  
I’m in too much pain for that… right?  
My wrist is burning… ah, damn. But Taki’s lips feel nice…  
Don’t cry…

Don’t cry, Taki… Taki…

“… nothing to gain…”

What? What are you saying, Taki?

“… only I can…” Only you can what? I don’t understand, Taki.

“… my position…” Yes? Yes, your position… my Master… right?

“… doesn’t change a thing. You are still under suspicion… betraying…”  
Who is this… ?  
Taki, who are you talking to?

“I studied at Luckenwalde Military Academy, I possess the tactical knowledge to face the Western Alliance, unlike most other commanders in our country, who were all taught by the same people. Under my command, we have withstood all attacks, and we have been able to win confrontations with minimal casualties!”  
I blink a few times, feeling tears trickle from my blurry eyes and stare up into the room. Ah… still here…

“Our methods differ, but I pray that you at least agree with me, that the lives of our men are worth fighting for, and that the value of their lives far outweighs that of all vehicles that were damaged and need repair.”  
My eyes fall shut again, and I listen to him. 

“What do you know, Reizen-dono”, Katsuragi spits and I open my eyes again.  
He is way too close to Taki…

“You have yet to see war! You can’t possibly understand any of it!”, Katsuragi growls.  
“That may be true. But I am not alone”, Taki responds, and somehow he sounds so gentle…

Why, Taki…

“I told you already, Katsuragi-dono”

 

“Taki-dono!”, the door swings open and crashes into the wall. A man and his guards stomp into the room.  
“Tachibana-dono, you are interrupting an important interrogation!” Katsuragi claps his hand over Taki’s shoulder when he tries to turn towards the door.  
“Unhand Taki-dono this instant, Katsuragi-dono! You have no right to interrogate or torture him or his Knight!”, the new person insists.

“They are suspects!”, Katsuragi tries to argue, but the other guy raises his hand.  
“I have proof that they are innocent, and I have material which puts _you_ in a very unfavorable position”, he explains and gives Katsuragi a look.  
“What do you mean by that?!”  
“Exactly that. Or can you explain why one of the traitors that were caught mentioned _your_ name?”  
“A traitor?”, Katsuragi tries to act like this is all just a joke.  
“Don’t even try that! We know that you are involved in this. Oogi has found some interesting receipts, and they don’t paint you in the best light.”  
Katsuragi grits his teeth.

“My squadron investigated the issues in the 15th division’s communication, we have enough proof to release you from your position. Suguri-sensei’s and Nekonome-hakase’s investigations further place great suspicion upon your allies, Lady Theodora and Regent Yustav. You have a lot to explain, and I suggest that you don’t make a fuss now, or else I will have to call Chamberlain Hasebe and ask him to detain you, is that clear?”

Katsuragi looks at the others with indignation and hatred. None of his guards move to help him. The men who were holding Taki in place step back, not willing to disobey the man, who clearly holds the most power in this room right now. Katsuragi cusses and pushes Taki to the ground.

At least three people yell Taki’s name at the same time; the new guy lunges forward, trying to catch him, but Taki hits the ground with a shriek.

Taki! Taki… “Taki…”

He caught himself on his elbows and knees. He won’t raise his head though… he is shaking. From the smell alone I can tell what happened…

I wish I could reach over and comfort him… it’s so horrible to see…

“Gods, Taki-sama…” Suguri sinks to his knees by Taki’s side and tries to pull him upright by his shoulders.  
“Don’t…” he whimpers, shaking his head.  
“Are you in pain, Taki-sama?”, Suguri asks, but Taki shakes his head again.

“Unshackle him, will you!”  
“I don’t have a key, Tachibana-sama.”

Tachibana turns towards Katsuragi and the man produces a key without even trying to protest. He hands the key to Suguri who unlocks the shackle on Taki’s right wrist.  
As he tries to reach for his left wrist, Taki weakly pushes him aside.

He is crawling towards me.

At last… Taki…  
I’ve waited…

He looks at me… and lies on his side. I see him fade… all color… fading…

It’s too late…

I thought it was fine if his shell broke eventually… I myself tried to wear it down, to make him human again. To feel warm flesh instead of porcelain…

But this time… I fear the crack runs too deep… I fear he broke… I fear his heart… broke…

I don’t want him to look at me like that, unspeaking, unmoving…

I don’t want his eyes to look so dull, I don’t want to see the tears…

It’s over, Taki. I didn’t break… so don’t cry.

Smile and tell me it’ll all be okay now… please.

Please…  
Taki…

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Notes: Well… that was… utterly painful to write…


	34. Chapter 34

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Notes: Yet another Taki-chapter. Don’t worry guys, Klaus is still the main narrator. But surprisingly, I noticed that unconscious characters don’t really give great narration.

I awake in pain… to the smell of medicine and rubbing alcohol. I find myself unable to open my eyes, and when I try to raise my hand, a stinging pain runs through my wrist.  
It’s hard to breathe…

I believe I hear voices…

_Waga Kishi… kokuhaku shiro._

_Taki-sama!_

No… please… 

_Sasagero!_

No!

_Yare!_

_Ieyo o_

No!

Please, please… let me go…

Please, forgive me at last... and let me go… please…

“Taki-sama!”

No!

“Taki-sama, calm yourself, please!”  
Help me…!

“Wake up!”

Suguri’s warm hands grab my shoulders, his eyes staring down at me with concern. He sighs, turning his face to the side for a few seconds, before looking at me again.  
“Taki-sama, are you in pain?”

My eyes burn… my chest feels heavy… my back hurts, my pelvis hurts… even my feet feel sore… I can’t find my voice…  
I shake my head; needing to get up, get away… somewhere…  
“Taki-sama, you are safe”, Suguri-sensei assures, squeezing my shoulder. I look down at myself, covered by a thick duvet.  
“I washed your body”, he adds. My immediate feeling of relief is sharply followed by horror and desperation.

Whatever insecurity I may have had in the past, is now infinitely amplified. All the mistakes and mishaps of my childhood come flooding back to my mind...  
I feel tears burning in the corners of my eyes.

“Taki-sama, your child has turned on it’s side. The midwife examined you and said it’s not something to worry about yet”, Suguri-sensei continued. Ignoring my response. “You were asleep for it all. After all the stress you went through I sedated you so you wouldn’t wake up for a few days.”  
I nod without truly understanding. But I know I don’t need to. Not now. Suguri-sensei will keep me and my child safe.

“You are physically unhurt. And the midwife assured us that your baby is absolutely safe”, Suguri-sensei assures, when I don’t reply. I see in his eyes there’s more, but he’ll tell me in time. I trust that he will…

I force my dry lips to part and my parched throat to work at last…  
“K… Klaus…”

Suguri-sensei runs a hand through my hair and when he grabs my shoulder again, he turns me on my other side. Only now do I realize that I must have been laying on my side all this time… my body feels heavier than usual…  
“He is here”, Suguri-sensei murmurs.  
I blink a few times until my eyes focus on the large shape near to me.

It is him.

Laying on a bed next to mine. I can barely see his skin through all the bandages… I can barely smell him through all the alcohol…

My vision blurs.  
No… oh no. No, no… keep it together. Keep it together!  
Don’t…

I try to cover my mouth with my hand, but Suguri-sensei stops me.  
“You’ll tear out the needle”, he murmurs and lays my hand down on the mattress again.  
“Let it out, Taki-sama.”

Carefully he pulls the white blanket which covered my duvet over my face. I feel the bed dip as he stands up, and then the swishing of curtains being drawn.

“Nobody will see you”

…

I feel momentarily comforted by the white darkness surrounding me. I breathe easier, I ache less.  
I trace folds in the fabric and allow myself to close my eyes again.

I feel myself wince at a little kick. To my surprise it got my kidney and not my bladder. Right… my child turned on it’s side… I am thankful.

I am thankful…

I screw my eyes shut. No... don’t go back there… No… No…  
Please…

I am unhurt, yet I feel broken.

When the first tears fall, I try to tell myself I’m crying from the ache in my body. It’s better to be crying for my body, for my literal heart than for my shattered soul.

I did not give in, I was strong, stronger than him, stronger than all his threats… Klaus is alive, right by my side…  
We are safe.

We are safe, so what am I crying for?!

I hold back another sob, turning my face into the pillow. I was strong all this time!  
Why am I so weak now…

Why am I always so weak…

I can’t hold back the sounds that pour out of me, so close to letting out a scream…

He saw me.

He saw it all; and he did nothing but laugh!  
He enjoyed my misery, he tore me down piece by piece…  
And this cursed child of mine…

Oh my child... My sweet, innocent child…  
My child is safe.

My tears soak into the pillowcase.  
 _You will have sad dreams if you sleep on a pillow that is soaked with tears_

I welcome the nightmares…

If the gods have mercy, my dreams will hurt less than my memories.

I hope to never again see the visage of that man, to never hear his voice again. I pray he never sets a foot onto my territory.  
I beg you gods, don’t let him hold those I love hostage again.

I won't survive another time.

I wonder how much of me survived this time…  
I feel like the ache within me won’t fade as my body…

I feel as though I am but a withering shell, kept alive by the unborn child within me.

 

I know no words to express my fury. I know no words to… I wish to scream, I wish to tear and break whatever my hands can grasp…  
I shove the pillow between my teeth and tear at it while guttural, animalistic sobs break from my throat.  
I pull at my hair and dig my nails into my scalp… until…

Until… at last… I am drained.  
Drained of all emotion I had before… all the hatred, the anger… the desperation and pain… are all replaced with a cold numbness, which settles heavily within my chest.

I feel as though its tendrils reach for me and curl around my throat… but it won’t kill me.

And even if it does…

 

I blink into the dull whiteness.

I feel a flutter within me; not quite a kick, but I feel it nonetheless. I imagine my child is waking up and stretching it’s little arms and legs… maybe it is relieved that I have calmed down at last… maybe it feels lonely without my attention…

I wonder if it could hear me…

I turn my face into the damp pillow.  
I wish I could call out my child’s name… but I don’t know what to call it…

I wish I could see it at last…

I wonder if it would look like him… maybe it would…  
I would hope it does…

I hope it would smile as much as he did…

Pain trickles through my heart, licking here and there… never staying in one place, but leaving lingering traces wherever it goes… oh Klaus…

Beyond this whiteness… he is sleeping.

 

I push myself onto my elbows, pulling back the blanket. Only now do I realize how thick the air beneath it had gotten, and I take a deep breath.  
I untangle my legs from the duvet and sit upright. Klaus is to my right, but the tube attached to my left wrist leads off to the left side of the bed. So I shift to the side, careful not to disturb the needle under my skin.  
When I make it to the edge of the bed – my own bed, I realize as an afterthought – I push myself up carefully and pull aside the curtain.

Here I see the stand from which the plastic bag hangs that is attached to me. A water-like liquid is inside it, dripping down slowly. I look down at the stand, glad to see that it has little wheels.  
I hold onto it and give it a gentle push. It rolls without a problem.

I make it halfway around the bed when I see Suguri-sensei sitting next to the door. He buried his face in his hands, elbows resting on his thighs.  
He heard… me cry.

I should have known… nevertheless, I feel strangely exposed in front of him.

He raises his head and looks at me.

I smile weakly.  
He gets up and rushes to help me before I can say a thing.  
“Taki-sama, you should have called for me”, he mutters, hands hovering near me, ready to catch or support me should I need him to.  
But I am fine.

“Thank you”, I say, and I mean every last bit of it.

He turns his face to the side, flustered and shy all of a sudden. For the first time in weeks I feel a true smile, an actual burst of laughter bubbling up within me; pushing past the cold stone inside my chest.

I place my arm around his shoulders and lean into him.

He puts his hand on my shoulder, keeping it there for a moment, before sliding up to my hand and pulling it off of himself.  
“Anything, Taki-sama”, he promises and releases me.

I nod once and walk further towards Klaus’ bed.  
It’s a classic hospital bed, and it looks so out of place here inside my room.

We are not at the compound anymore, but inside the palace, in the room that I lived and in until I left the island three years ago.  
I am suddenly shaken up by the realization of how long it had truly been since I’d left the palace.

“How long has it been?”, I ask and look down upon Klaus’ pale face.  
“Not long enough”, Suguri-sensei replies and crosses his arms when I look at him. “It’s been three days since… Tachibana-sama came to the compound.”  
I nod.  
“Both you and him were brought to the hospital in the capital. He was patched up and brought back from the brink of death…” Suguri-sensei interrupts himself, throwing me a guilty glance.  
I nod again.  
“How bad was it?”, I ask softly, reaching out to cradle Klaus’ huge, clammy hand in my own.

Suguri-sensei doesn’t look at me this time.

“He… had a mild… sepsis. We got that under control now, as well as the infection. Both still need some time to fully heal, but he’s certain to survive it. Thats why he was brought here with you… the cuts and gashes… were cleaned and sewn up, so we hope they will heal well. It is hard to tell though, how much damage was done to the muscle tissue and the nerves of his arm. In the worst case, he won’t be able to use his arm anymore.”

I listen without saying a thing.

For a while, I can’t find my voice – not that there would be any words for me to say – and I stare blankly at the hand I’m holding.

“I see”, I finally breathe.

“Taki-sama…” Suguri-sensei moves next to me. “If you feel strong enough, would you see the emperor?”, he asks, looking me in the eyes.  
My first impulse is to say yes, but something is stopping me.  
I lower my head and look at Klaus’ face. So ashy pale. A sick tint to his skin, looking painfully dry despite the sweaty glisten above his brows.

I feel inadequate, I feel weak and disgraced; unfit to be seen by the emperor.

“Would you ask Tomië to prepare a bath for me, please? I’d like to cleanse myself before meeting his grace”, I mumble, surprised by the frailty of my own voice.

“Of course, Taki-sama”, Suguri-sensei assures and leaves.

I prefer to take baths alone, to lock myself away and be on my own for at least a little while, but this is different.

Tomië has served me for a long time now. She had previously accompanied me when I left the island, but when I went to Luckenwalde, and the war started, she returned to the imperial court.

Months ago, when Klaus and I came here to discuss my situation with the emperor she had assisted me with dressing myself, as she did in the past.  
Her presence and help gave me a small bit of comfort…

 

Bathed, clothed and somewhat more calm I make my way towards the emperor’s throne hall. I feel uncomfortable, but won’t lose a word about it.  
Under normal circumstances I would be expected to wear my finest robes when facing my uncle, but as none of them were tailored to fit me as I am now, I have no choice but to wear what I have.

Tomië is accompanying me, as is Tachibana’s son Darius. To my surprise he had quite the growth spurt, standing a few inches taller than me now.  
To tell the truth though, an alpha is expected to grow tall. What surprised me more than his height, was the fact that he was here to begin with.

Last time I saw him, I bid farewell to my sisters back at the Reizen’s main residence. I didn’t know he had come back to the palace.

From the way he looks at me I understand that there is a story to be told; and that story is not meant to be told now.

So we arrive at last – to my dismay I find myself more exhausted than I expected. Tomië and Darius will wait outside for me, as this conversation is meant to be private. As private as anything can ever be when one is talking to the emperor himself.

I enter the throne hall and approach the throne, upon which my uncle is sitting as always and sink to my knees before him. I bow – or rather, I try to do it – but find myself unable to lower my body as far as I should.  
“Do not push yourself, Sakone no Daishou”  
I keep my head lowered.

“Forgive me, your grace. I let you wait”, I start, folding my hands in my lap, “I beg you forgive my unfitting attire as well. My current… condition is not very conducive to… many things.”

“Please, you do not need to apologize. I am overjoyed to see you look this well, Sakone no Daishou”, the emperor assures, raising one hand, gesturing for me to sit more comfortably.  
I shift my weight to the side, only half-sitting on my legs now and lower my head gratefully.  
“Thank you”

“Sakone no Daishou, I was terrified when I saw the state you were in, and I am very relieved that you feel better now. I am happy to give you some leeway with your attire and etiquette. After all I know that you would present yourself immaculately if it were not for your current circumstances.”  
I open my mouth to apologize once again, but he stops me.  
“Stop apologizing, please. I did not ask you to come here so I could listen to you blaming yourself for things that were not your fault.”

I don’t know what else to say, so I lower my head, remaining silent.

“Ukon no Tachibana informed me of the situation at the winter residence”, the emperor finally starts again and I feel my stomach twist. “I would like to hear your version of the story.”

I keep my head down, looking at my sleeves. I did all I could.

So I start speaking. About all that happened. How Klaus was injured but still went on the mission; how I acted without orders, because I couldn’t let No man’s land be trampled with no regard for the history of that place; how I couldn’t get through to either Asakura or my men on the bridge; how I despaired and thought I’d lost Klaus…

The emperor doesn’t say a thing.

I continue, explaining how Katsuragi showed up and placed his suspicions on us, how he set up the inofficial trial and put me under arrest while torturing Klaus.

I tell him about the threats and offers he made when he interrogated me and I admit that I felt so weak, that what I did was truly all I could have done.

I admit that I had thought myself in control until the very last moment; when the train blew up before me; when Katsuragi pronounced Klaus and me suspects; when I was put under arrest; when my body betrayed me before their eyes; when I finally broke down, hidden beneath my thin, white blanket.

I pause.

My thoughts die.

I am caught in a whirlwind of… raw emotion. But none of it touch me. I feel a loss, I mourn something, but I cannot name who or what it is.

I blink and turn my face away, unable to look at… him.

I long for the privacy of my room, I long for the thin veil of protection that my blanket gave me.

 

“I see this was not easy for you, Sakone no Daishou”

I shake my head. It wasn’t easy, no. But it wasn’t…  
It didn’t break me.  
I am strong as I was, am I not?

I am unchanged.

“Sakone no Daishou?”

“Your grace”, I utter, lowering my chin again. “Forgive me, I was lost in thought.”

“No more apologies, please”, the emperor insists and lets out a soft sigh. He leans forward and rests both his hands on his thighs, long sleeves enveloping him like a blanket.

“While you were out of commission due to your confinement, multiple aerial attacks have taken place. Were you informed about them?”, he asks, but sighs at the mere sight of my reaction.

I did not know.  
I worried, I feared something had happened. But as long as I hadn’t been told a thing, I focused on my one promise.  
To save Klaus.

“Ukon no Tachibana explained to me that a traitor was discovered among your men. He acted according to orders he was given by Katsuragi-dono to allow his ploy to proceed without intervention”, the emperor explains and I note with some satisfaction that he chose not to address Katsuragi-dono by his title.  
“Katsuragi-dono was charged with treason.” A pause.

I lift my eyes to chance a look at my uncle’s face.

“He will not be tried for his actions. The court decided to erase this entire ordeal from all records.”

His word is absolute, I know it.  
I know it… yet I feel protest bubbling up within me like water from a fountain.

“With all due respect, your grace… How can a transgression of this magnitude be forgiven with no consequences or punishment whatsoever?”, I wonder, suppressing the tone of my voice as much as possible.

“Katsuragi-dono committed a misconduct that has been unheard of in the history of our country. And yet his wife, Lady Marion bargained for his sake. The gods have given her grace which he arguably does not deserve, yet I pray they have mercy with them both”, my uncle replies with an uneasy expression. “She argued on his behalf that he merely acted for the good of the country, misguided though he was.”

I lower my head again.

“I understand there has been something in his past that drove him to such actions. Even if that does not excuse his behavior.”, I admit. “I don’t think its right to condemn a man on the basis of one mistake, after all I have not been condemned for the one mistake I made. I merely hope that he will honor the chance he was given.”

I don’t have the strength for more.

The injustice of it stings, even though I would not admit it. The decision has been made.  
“Ukon no Tachibana has taken over command in your stead, so you can rest assured that your division is in good hands”, he tells me.  
“I see… I will be returning to my office… as soon as I can, of course” - “No. You will stay here until your child comes into this world.” The emperor almost cut me off. He is shaking his head still, even after finishing.

I right my position. Knees touching, feet on the ground, sitting on my thighs with my hands folded in my lap.

“Your grace, I want to return to my office as soon as possible”, I declare, never raising my eyes from the ground before me.  
“Now of all times I must maintain firm leadership over my men, or else their momentum may falter!”

“They have suffered a crushing defeat in your absence, Sakone no Daishou.”

“All the more reason to! I must guide them once again, lest their morale be broken!”, I raise my hands as though I wanted to beg him.  
“At least allow me to oversee the situation, allow me to guide them as before. Even if I must stay here”, I plead.

“You mustn’t get upset or be exposed to such stress, Sakone no Daishou, my dear”, my uncle argues.  
He caught me off guard.

“You have pushed yourself so far already. Ukon no Tachibana insisted that you be given time to recover after he saw the state you were in. He volunteered to take over for you.”  
The emperor smiles at me.  
“Furthermore, it is time for you to chose an alpha”, he reminds. His smile never falters. “Although I am almost certain that you have already made your choice…?”

My argument crumbles to dust.

I sit in silence, unable to form an answer.  
My eyes mist over against my will; my shoulders slump.

I have made my choice. I had made it long ago.

And yet…

I lower my head and hold my breath.

 

“I wish you had more time, Sakone no Daishou, but you need to...” I wince. The emperor interrupts himself.  
My hand comes up to rub my stomach before I even think about it. My cheeks burn with embarrassment when I remember myself. I am ready to apologize, but the emperor stops me.  
“Are you all right?”

He looks honestly worried; scared almost.

I force a smile to assure him.  
“Yes. Do not worry yourself over my health. I am fine”, I add, smiling still.

“So it was merely… a movement?”, the emperor wonders, still looking afraid. Maybe not afraid… uneasy, maybe.

I nod.  
“Yes. My child has been… quite lively”, I … confess. I feel too vulnerable, too open to be comfortable right now.

“Have you spoken to Chieko-sanba yet?”  
I shake my head.  
“I see. I think you should do so soon, Sakone no Daishou. She brought you into this world back then. I couldn’t name anyone whom I’d trust to take better care of you than her.”

 

… I utter my agreement. I excuse myself. I take my leave.

Darius speaks to me, softly, while Tomië follows as a loyal shadow. I cannot find my voice… I cannot find my thoughts…

 

The whirlwind that had come over me before finds me again… the same raw emotion… like looking at an open wound on a body that isn’t mine…

A phantom pain, fear, disgust… horror…

“Yura-sama will return in time for your wedding, Taki-sama”, Darius mentions as we walk. I feel woken, startled even and I don’t understand why.

“I see. That is nice”, I murmur, caught in a moment of indecision as we reach the door to my room.

I feel drawn to enter it, to hide away and seek solace in the comfortable _home_ that I’ve always known.  
At the same time though, I don’t feel ready to face… him.

Not with this gripping certainty within me.

I feel like I am lying to him, like I am betraying him.

“Tomië, could you fetch me a coat, please? I’d like to walk around the garden for a while”, I murmur, giving her a soft smile.  
She bows and easily enters my room.

“Taki-sama...”, Darius starts uncertainly. I know he’d rather have me return to my room, to warmth and safety, but I just cannot.  
“Tachibana, I have not been here for quite a while. Allow me to explore a little”, I murmur before he finds his words.  
“I understand, Taki-sama”, he sighs after a short pause.

Tomië returns with a coat, scarf, gloves and even leg warmers. I almost contemplate going to my room after all, just to avoid having her try to assist me in putting any of these on, but my desire for solitude is too strong.  
So I allow myself to be wrapped up and walk towards the stairs which lead down into the imperial garden, hoping to finally find some peace and privacy. An old taste of freedom and normality that I otherwise long forgot about.

Darius offers to go along with me; in fact, he tried to come along against my will, but I stopped him.  
I understand that he has orders to follow, that he needs to guard me right now, but here, in this little garden, I need to be alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Notes:  
> The Japanese parts won’t be translated. I think you could infer what they are from the context. I put them in there, because – as you hopefully noticed by now – I use languages as a stylistic device, and in this case especially, as a narrative device.  
> This is Taki’s mind.
> 
> Also: After having read Dionys’ Final Chapters it was REALLY hard to go through with my initial plan to call the Tachibana-kid Darius and not Douman.
> 
> Also, also: Yes. Tomië is named after the Junji Ito character. XD


	35. Chapter 35

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Notes: Klaus is back! Yay!

It’s hard to say when I finally woke for real.

I think I woke a few times before, opening my eyes only to see nothing… but I think I heard things.  
Voices… words…

I think I felt touches… but I can’t be sure.

 

Dreams came to me… that I don’t remember now.

 

When I woke, I felt a warm pressure against my thigh.  
My hand felt warm, tingly and slightly damp.

Taki sat by my side, holding my hand in his lap.

He didn’t notice that I was awake at first. He stared at something in his right hand, while the fingers of his left hand traced the lines on my palm.  
I couldn’t bring myself to say anything.

I felt like an intruder, as weird as that may sound.

This moment was not meant to be for me. This was him, alone.

 

I can’t say how much time passed until he moved. He winced and let go my hand to rub his belly. With the kimono he was wearing, I couldn’t be certain, but I believe it was bigger than I remember. I watch him, as he arches his back slightly, leaning his right hand on the bed. His eyes fall shut and he rolls back his head with a sigh.

I turn my hand down, to lay it flat over his thigh, moving my thumb back and forth in an attempt to caress him.

He freezes.

Slowly… slowly he straightens his back again and lowers his head.

I see him swallow dryly, take a breath… then he stills again.

 

“How are you feeling”, he asks, but it doesn’t sound like a question.

I try to swallow some spit; my throat is painfully dry.

He grabs my hand and squeezes it briefly, still not looking at me.  
I squeeze his hand back.

He takes a deep breath before he finally meets my eyes.

He looks tired.

I squeeze his hand again. I can’t find the strength to do any more than that. I wish I could pull him close and hold him.  
Just hold him in my arms. Nothing more.

He closes his eyes and exhales. Then he slides off the bed, pulling his hand away from mine and I can’t stop him.

“Water?”, he offers and holds up a small cup.  
I nod once, not sure what brought about his sudden change.

He pours water from a glass jug and puts down the cup again. He pushes himself up on the bed and sits next to me again.  
Too small to just… _sit down_ , I realize.

It makes me smile.

He reaches around my nape, raising up my head a little before holding the cup to my lips.

The water is somewhat warm, and only when I swallow do I realize how glad I am that it indeed isn’t cold.  
I hold back a cough.

“More?”, he offers quietly. I shake my head and he gently lays me down again. I wish I hadn’t though.  
Immediately he slides off the bed and replaces the cup on the small table, next to the jug.  
“… _Taki_ …” I manage.

“Don’t speak, Klaus. It has been… days”, he mutters. My first thought is to ask ‘how many days… since when…?’ but the memory comes flooding back to my mind.

I shut my eyes and purse my lips.

“Everything is alright, Klaus. I am safe”, Taki quickly assures, but his words sound hollow and frail against his screaming voice in my head.  
“I am unhurt, as is our child. Relax”, he insists, firmer this time.

 

“Look at me, Klaus”, he whispers. His fingers stroke down my forearm, cradle my wrist before wrapping around my hand and holding it.  
His thumb presses softly against my veins. I feel the pulse.

I open my eyes.

He licks his lips, looking at me, holding my gaze. There is a warmth in his eyes, something gentle, something… unreadable.

 

“A letter arrived…” he finally murmurs. “For you.”

I nod.  
There is only one person who’d send me a letter.

“Hasebe delivered it to me, personally. He insisted we open and read it, but I forbade it. Nobody has opened it”, Taki explains and places the envelope in my hand; he doesn’t release my hand though.

“I… trusted you, Klaus”, he breathes. I understand.

I want to assure him. To tell him that I truly didn’t betray him, that I didn’t abuse the trust he gave me, but I can’t.

I did all I could, I did it all for him, for us; but I gave away the one secret he didn’t want me to tell.

I placed not only myself, but him on the line.  
Him and our child.

 

And no matter what I say now, only the letter can tell, if it was worth it or not.

 

Taki realizes that I won’t give an answer – not that he truly expected one – and closes his eyes, turning his head to the sky as though it could give him the answer that I didn’t.

He releases my hand, ready to pull away.

“Read it.” I surprised myself as much as him.

He throws me a shocked glance before lowering his head, looking down at the envelope in my hand.

I swallow. “Read it, Taki.”  
I raise my hand a little, waiting for him to take the envelope.

He touches it like it could crumble to dust under his fingers. Carefully he slides his finger in the gap between the paper and pulls it up.  
He throws me an unsure glance before taking out the letter and unfolding it.

He looks at it for a while, not saying anything.

I should be afraid, nervous, maybe excited… but I feel strangely calm.

 

After a long silence he clears his throat.

“ _Dein Brief wärmt mein Herz! Es ist ein kalter Winter.  
Die Erde ist wie ausgebrannt.  
Ich hoffe der Frühling wird uns wieder neue Blüten bringen. Besonders die Königin aller Blumen sollte dieses Jahr wieder aufblühen. Der Gärtner tut sein bestes, doch die Natur hat viele Geheimnisse._“, he stops and swallows hard before continuing:  
“ _Bis dahin, zieh dich warm an und bleib gesund! Ich weiß, dass du stark bist, doch gegen den Winter kannst auch du nichts ausrichten.  
Vergiss nicht: Die Familie steht über allem!  
Besonders jetzt, wo das Fest wieder ansteht. Ich hoffe du erhältst reichlich Geschenke! Wir vermissen und denken an Dich._

 _Beste Grüße  
Ludwig_”

Silence falls again.

I nod to myself and lick my lips.  
“Thank you”, I whisper.

“ _What_ did you tell him…?”  
Taki’s voice is tense.

I wish I could not tell him. I wish I had a choice.

“That you are pregnant. That I… am responsible, and that I might not be able to stay by your side as your Knight”, I say carefully.

He slumps and runs a hand through his face, hiding it from me.

“Then what does this letter mean? What… what… did you mean…?”, his voice is thick with emotion. Fear and disappointment, despair and regret.

“Give it to me”, I demand softly, reaching out to take the letter back.

He hands it over wordlessly.  
I read it for myself once, before letting out a sigh.

“It’s a coded message”, I explain.

Taki throws me a bitter glance.  
“I guessed as much”, he hisses.

“He is saying that the Alliance carried out an attack, but it was aborted, or stopped. He warned me of Eurote a few times, and he said that he’d restore my title if I came back”, I translate roughly, sentence by sentence, considering my words cautiously.  
As much as I hate it, I even now keep secrets from him, and I’ve got to be careful not to give myself away.

“There was an aerial attack in our absence. Tachibana currently holds my position back at the winter residence”, Taki murmurs.

“He said that he didn’t know you were an omega”, I say. Taki winces. “And he said that our child can be accepted into the family.”

I bite my lip when Taki turns around and looks straight at me.

“He hopes our child will be born safely, Taki. He is not a threat”, I assure weakly. Taki’s expression is one of raw anger.  
I know I have long lost my position as his dearest friend, now that his instinct drives him to protect his unborn child at all costs.  
There is nothing I could do to change that.

I know that he didn’t fight for me back in the dungeon, but for our child.  
He may not even be consciously aware of it, but I saw it clearly.

 

“Whose side are you on, Klaus…”

Taki’s question catches me off guard.  
Whose side…? Whose side _can_ I be on?

“What… Taki… Taki, what are you saying? Whose side am I on…” I try to grab him, afraid he’ll run if I let him go now.

“Why… would you leave… me…” he looks resigned to an uncertain fate.

I wrap my fingers around his thin wrist.

“I wouldn't.”  
He doesn’t believe me.  
“I won’t leave you, Taki”, I insist.

He lowers his head and sniffles once.

“Klaus, I must… The emperor told me, I must marry… before… I give birth”, he finally stammers, shoulders trembling as he fights to contain his anxiety.

“I know”, I whisper.

He looks at me, eyes brimming with tears. He opens his mouth without saying anything and purses his lips instead.

“Taki”, I breathe, releasing his wrist and taking his hand instead.

 

“I… always, always… always hoped… it would be you, Klaus”

 

I somehow find the strength at last, to pull him close, to hold him tight and lift my head to claim his lips.  
He sobs as I lick into his mouth, pulling him even closer as I taste him anew. The honey-like sweetness is there again, just as it was when I kissed him for the very first time. The flavor is nostalgic and almost painful, like undiluted alcohol, like over saturated pigment in a painting, like an embrace thats too powerful, too urgent, too desperate to be pleasant anymore.

I smell sweat and tears on him, and when my fingers tangle into his hair, I feel the damp heat of his nape. He shivers and sobs once more into our kiss.  
My cheeks are wet with his tears now, but I don’t mind.

All he’s feeling, all he’s ever felt for me, for us, for _us_ is pouring into this kiss and I want to have all of it.

I slide my fingers into his collar, easily finding the crescent scar on his neck and caress it gently.

He cries out almost, leaning into the touch like a hungry kitten.

When he pulls away he is trembling and sobbing, and I can’t help but smile at his expression, like he never thought his hope would ever be fulfilled.

He hides his face in the crook of my neck and sobs a few more times.

By now I feel the pain in my chest and shoulder again, but there’s no chance I would push him away.  
I can only imagine what kind of damage was done to my body over those days. The only reason why I’m not in agony right now is probably due to the amount of painkillers in my system.  
That reminds me, where the hell is that demon-doctor?

I feel… uneasy, thinking about Suguri.

I owe him my life, I guess. I owe him so much… and no simple “thanks” will ever cut it.

He was there too, wasn’t he? When … shit went down.

As was that… Tachibana-guy. I try to recall what he looks like. I should have seen him somewhere before, right?  
If he’s in the position to replace Taki… they should be of equal status.

Replace Taki…

“What… happened?”, I croak and clear my throat before trying again. “What happened afterwards?”

Taki shifts, pushing himself up above me.  
He looks at me with that doll-like expression that I hated so much, because it always felt like it wasn’t truly _him_ who was looking at me.  
But right now, I can’t find it in me anymore.

It’s like I see beyond the porcelain. I understand now that there is blood and pain behind the mask.

“Tachibana-dono had been contacted by an outpost unit of my division, because our internal communication had been tampered with. He investigated the matter and came to our rescue. We were taken to the hospital, and he took over in my stead to ensure that ‘Rozen Maiden’ doesn’t fall into chaos”, Taki explains emotionlessly. He licks his lips once before moving on, “I won’t return to the compound until our child is born, so you don’t need to worry about that.”

He pauses, averting his gaze from me.  
“Katsuragi has been charged with treason. He will not be tried for it, but we will not be bothered by him again… ” Taki sits up, hands coming up to cradle his belly. He closes his eyes for a moment and lowers his chin.  
“The entire matter will be forgotten. The public won’t be told a thing. All they know is that I withdrew from my position due to my pregnancy, and you accompanied me as my Knight. No more and no less.”

I hear the indignation in his voice. I see him struggling to stomach the injustice.

“As it is… I’m afraid Katsuragi will still try to… reach his own goals”, he licks his lips and lets out a controlled exhale, “He got away unpunished, but his pride was severely damaged… I am afraid he will seek to use our absence at the compound to infiltrate it again.”

Revenge, huh.

The thought has a bitter aftertaste.

This is a traumatized nation. There is no man or woman here, who wasn’t touched by war in some way.  
Maybe that is why humans cannot live here; that is why it’s all dolls and puppets.

Flowers, huh… the old man couldn't be further from the truth.  
All flowers here have thorns, petals made of knives and stems that fire bullets.

I feel strangely brittle around them… I would almost scoff at the thought, if I wasn’t in a fucking hospital bed, high on painkillers.  
Hospital bed… in a… palace bedroom?

I don’t have the strength to wonder about that now.  
I need to get my nobility back so I can actually go through with fulfilling at least one of Taki’s wishes.

Marrying him.

It sounds stupid, I tell myself.  
I was never one for bonds or ties of this kind, was I…? I’m not happy about it, because we’re doing it because we have to.  
Not because we want it.

Yet I feel stupidly giddy.

 

I never thought about getting married to anyone.

Sure, as a kid, maybe. Like having a crush on a girl and pretending to have a wedding just so we could think about having a great party with all our friends.  
And lots of sweets of course.  
Sweets and food.

Stupid, wasn’t it?

Now I imagine the ceremony, similar to how I became Taki’s Knight.  
Undulating robes, flowers all around, and serious faces everywhere. Perfectly timed cheers, choreographed congratulations and vows recited like old poetry.

“Taki”, I sigh, reaching for his hand.  
He places his hand in mine without even looking at me.

“Unbind me.”

He still won’t look at me.  
“Hartmann wants me to come back. I’ll go and have my title restored. I’ll be a baron then. Still no match for you, but at least I’ll have a nationality and human rights again, isn’t that right?”, I continue, stroking the back of his hand with my thumb.  
His fingers twitch once, before slowly entwining with mine.

“If I do it right, I’ll be able to get an armistice through, as our countries will have a union once we marry. It probably won’t do much for the entire Alliance, but at least a little less pressure will certainly make things easier, right?”

“You’ll leave me behind after all?”, Taki asks.  
There is a faint sliver of humor in his voice that takes the edge off his immediate pain.

“I’ll come back as soon as possible”, I assure. “Don’t forget that my family, even after the Kaiser abdicated the throne, retained a great amount of political power. Especially the conservative forces rely on us in hopes to hold onto the old rules. Hartmann has long seen through this and plays those bureaucrats like a well tuned orchestra.”

I try not to sound too proud, but I can tell from Taki’s expression that I failed. He is looking at me expectantly, unable to hide his disbelief.

“I mean it. He’s headmaster of Luckenwalde Military Academy, because he gets to influence the new recruits, while keeping an eye on the higher-ups at the same time.”  
Taki frowns.  
“So my admission was…?”, he leaves it to me to fill in the blank.  
“Yes it was. As was the fact that I was assigned to protect and observe you.”

He nods and sighs.

“I can’t tell you what he was planning then. I’m not sure he even knew exactly what would happen. Honestly, I was mostly meant to make sure that you wouldn’t turn out to be a threat”, I murmur.  
I’ll find out what he was planning when I go back though.

“There is some time, Klaus”, Taki murmurs and picks up the empty envelope. “You still need to recover fully. Until then we will come up with a plan.”

Recover… ugh.  
I scoff and roll my eyes.

“Will my fiancé nurse me back to health then?”

Taki blushes and sputters, nearly dropping the envelope. After all we’ve been through and done he still reacts so innocently…

How does he even do that?

I smile, but soon my happiness passes away.

Taki’s blush fades, leaving his cheeks pale and ashy. His eyes loose their shine and his jaw clenches.  
He takes a slow breath through his nose.

“There isn’t much I could do”, he laments and pulls up the collar of his kimono so it touches the back of his hair.  
Before I can stop him, grab his hand or call him back, he’s out of my reach. He walks to the door and pauses.  
“I’ll call Suguri-sensei”, he murmurs, sliding the door open and without another look he’s gone.

 

It turns out I had been wrong.  
It wasn’t painkillers that kept me from feeling the harm done to my arm, but in fact my nerves had been damaged so severely that I’ll likely never be able to fully regain sensation in my entire arm.

I’ll be able to use it for the most part, maybe not as much as before, but it’s not completely fucked.

According to Suguri the rest of my injuries healed surprisingly well, whatever that’s supposed to mean.  
I’m still sore as hell, and moving around is out of the question until my wounds fully heal.

I can’t risk another infection. As much as I hate it, I have to give in to Suguri for now.

Finally, it took about a week for me to be able to get up and move around for short amounts of time with relatively little pain. Suguri has been taking care of my shoulder and arm, trying to help my muscles to regain their strength and kept me from doing anything stupid, as he put it.  
The list of “stupid” things he kept me from doing was ridiculously long though.  
No walking around, no lifting things with my bad arm, no sleeping on my stomach or side… and so much more. No sex either, of course.

That doesn’t mean I won’t try when nobody is looking.

 

Taki bathes most evenings, with that servant girl to assist him. I’m guessing it’s a combination of feeling all sore and cramped, and a need to be clean.

I can’t blame him.

I myself feel disgusting most of the time.  
After rotting in a dirty cell for… far too long; smelling nothing but myself and whatever disgusting shit was thrown at me…  
Even now, when I look at the scarred flesh, I imagine I can see pus and grime still sticking to my skin.

It’s a good thing I have to keep the bandages on most of the time.  
The sling is a pain in the ass, but better than the alternative. I do take it off when I lounge in bed though.  
I wish I could do something more interesting, but that’s forbidden.

 

Funny how Taki and I are staying in the same room, yet we somehow don’t interact that much.

Every morning his servant girl comes in with a cart to bring our breakfast, and a nurse comes to check on my bandages.  
Then Taki goes to get dressed, while I am reminded of all the things I’m forbidden from doing.

When Taki comes back, all dressed up and ready, we exchange a few words and he leaves.

He comes back for lunch, which we eat together, then disappears again.

When I ask him what he’s doing all this time, he tells me he’s having conferences. When I ask what they are about, he tells me he’s getting updates from Uemura.  
When I ask what those updates are, he falls silent.

 

The servant girl comes in again, carrying towels and a fresh robe for Taki to wear when he’s done bathing.  
I get up and grab her arm before she can enter the bathroom.  
“Hey”, I start, earning a glare.  
“Let me pass”, she demands and tries to escape my grasp.  
“Let me take the stuff to Taki. You can have a free evening”, I suggest, not letting her go. She looks at me like I’ve lost my mind.  
“It is my duty to serve Taki-sama and you will not stop me from it!”, she hisses.  
“I’m not trying to get you in trouble. I just want to do something useful.” I’m not even lying.

“Useful, you?”, she asks incredulously.  
“Yes, me”, I deadpan.  
“Please.”

“You’ll taint him”, she argues and once again tries to pull away from me.  
“First: It’s too late for that; second: I won’t.”  
She shakes her head.

“Please”, I say again, releasing her.

“You mustn’t touch him”, she insists.  
I smirk and point at my bandages.  
“Do I look like I’ll be _touching_ him?”, I counter, making it very clear what kind of “touching” I’m talking about.

She pretends to laugh for a second, then fixes me with an icy glare.

“I promise not to touch him”, I assure again, seriously this time. “I just want to care for him. As his Knight, that is my job”, I add when she doesn’t respond.

“Knight or not… you don’t deserve… any of this”, she demonstratively looks at the hospital bed that is so out of place here in the palace it’s almost funny.  
“Maybe. I’m trying to earn it now.”

She scoffs.

“Please, let me have this tonight”, I plead, looking down at her, into her eyes.  
She’s even smaller than Taki, a little beta. I could have easily take the towels away from her and shoved her out of the room, but that wouldn’t do any good.

Maybe she thinks so too, or maybe she’s tired of fighting. Maybe she’s just not as loyal as she pretends to be.

When I try to take the towels, she doesn’t stop me, and when I take the robe as well, she bows and steps back.  
She won’t leave the room, I see.  
Good girl.

 

I slip into the bathroom.

“Tomië?”, Taki asks and sits up slightly. A white curtain hangs between us, Taki’s shadow is all I see of him.

“It’s me”, I say softly.

He almost screams and sits up hastily. Some water splashes onto the curtain.  
“Sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you”, I murmur, setting down the towels on a ledge before hanging the robe on a hook next to the full-length mirror.

Taki’s breath still hasn’t calmed down at all, and I start to wonder if maybe this wasn’t a good idea after all.

“Where is Tomië?”  
“In the other room.”

He sighs softly.

“Why are you here”, he murmurs, like he isn’t asking me at all.

I don’t answer.  
I don’t actually know why I suddenly wanted to… see him.

I guess I wanted to see him as he is, without the ever-present implications that would otherwise cause him to resist and fight back.

I see him settle back into the water again, only the silhouette of his profile remains visible above the rim of the tub.  
I imagine I can see his expression, even now.  
The slight furrowing of his brows, his tense lips, eyes closed…

“How are you feeling?”, I wonder, just to fill the silence.

He takes a breath.

“I’m be… fine”, he inhales and exhales slowly, “I am fine.”  
“Better?”

He shifts, making the water swish quietly.

“Yes”, he admits, barely audible.

 

“Can I see you?”, I whisper.

“You can’t, Klaus…” he insists immediately.  
“Why not?”  
“… I… can’t let you.”

I step right up to the curtain. I could touch him if only I reached out beyond it.

“I won’t do anything”, I promise, “I’m still wearing my bandages and the sling, I can’t get wet now anyways or Suguri will throw me back into the dungeon.”  
I try to joke.

“I can’t let you see me”, Taki persists.

 

I want to see him anyways.

I know it’d be wrong to just push through and go against him. I’d hurt him again. I’d be no better than Katsuragi himself.

“Fine”, I say despite myself. “Take your time.”

 

“I’m sorry”, he whispers. I’m almost convinced I didn’t actually hear him correctly after all.

But he sits up slowly and reaches out, holding onto the curtain with his wet hand. It isn’t much. I only see his flushed fingers, his almost white nails standing out against the skin, faint lavender veins running between his knuckles.

I let out a laugh.

That’s all it takes? His small, wet hand, fingertips all wrinkled and pruned from the water, skin red from the heat… to make me sob with happiness?

I kneel and slide my fingers under his palm, lifting his hand away from the curtain slowly.

He doesn’t resist; doesn’t say a word.

I hold onto his hand, rubbing circles into his palm with my thumb. His hand grows cold, the water dries away, leaving only a faint sheen on his skin.

We stay like this for a little while, until he shifts, pulling back his hand slightly, before relaxing again.  
His shadow looks like he’s resting his head on his arm now. I think he is looking at me.

I squeeze his hand and shake it back and forth playfully.  
“Don’t be falling asleep here”, I murmur smiling.

“I’m not”, he sighs and pulls back his hand again to entwine our fingers.

 

I pull up his hand a little so I can press a kiss to his knuckles. His hand is pretty cold by now. Maybe we shouldn’t stay here much longer…

“Are you cold?”  
“Not really”, he sighs.  
“Do you want to get out?” I squeeze his hand.

He sighs again.  
“I’d… sleep here if I could”, he breathes. I hear the smile in his voice.

“You can’t. You need to get out eventually.” I’m putting on my best ‘caregiver’ impression.

“Hand me a towel… and leave… then”, he mutters sadly. “Please…”

I sigh.  
“Is it so bad?”, I wonder.

“What?” Taki sounds worried.  
“Your body”, I clarify.

“It’s not…” he doesn’t sound like he believes himself.

I let go his hand and grab the curtain instead.

“Don’t”, he warns.

“Give me a reason, Taki”, I sigh. “A real reason”

He falls silent.

I’m almost ready to give up after all. What good does it do if I still force my will upon him? None at all.

“You…” he starts then, but interrupts himself. “I don’t want you to.”

 

I want to say that reason isn’t good enough… except it is.

“Fine.”

I leave the curtain as it was and rise to my feet. I grab the towels instead, putting the smaller one to the side and offer the other to Taki.

He pushes himself up with both hands, taking a short break once he’s on his feet.  
Like this, with nothing to camouflage the shape of his body, his belly looks almost grotesquely big compared to the rest of his body.

He still has three months to go or so, but I already wonder how that’s possible at all.

“Thank you…” He takes the towel and wraps it around himself, careful not to let it fall into the water.

He takes a deep breath and holds onto the wall for support.  
“Wait”, I call out. “Hold onto my shoulder at least. I’ll turn away and close my eyes if that’ll calm you, but that wall’s too slippery.”

“I’m not disabled, Klaus”, he hisses.  
“I’m not saying you are. I’m just trying to help”, I sigh.  
“I don’t need help”, he whispers.

“That’s not the point, Taki.”

 

When he places his hand on my shoulder, he doesn’t so much hold on for support, but rather for comfort.  
He pushes the curtain aside and steps out of the tub onto the towel that had been laid out before I came here.

I turn my head away and avert my eyes.

Once he’s standing safely on the floor, I push the curtain back all the way… only to have a heart-attack.

The water is reddish pink.

 

“Taki, what’s… with this?!” I ask and turn to face him, not without throwing a glance at his feet, afraid to find a puddle of blood between them.  
But there is nothing.

He looks at me like he’s about to cry.

“It’s just herbs. To ease tension and to encourage subcutaneous blood-flow”, he shakes his head and hides his face in one hand.

I’m embarrassed and relieved, and I want to hold him close, because I’m glad that he’s fine after all.

He laughs.  
He looks like he’s about to crumble, face flushed and wet, eyes screwed shut… but he’s smiling.

I cradle his cheek and press a soft kiss to his lips before he can stop me.

“I’ll wait outside.”

 

The servant girl has already left, the room is comfortably dark.  
I sit on my bed, untying the sling from my neck when Taki leaves the bathroom. He is still drying his hair, keeping the small towel around his neck to dry the tips of his fringe.

His hair has grown a bit, I realize.

It isn’t so noticeable when it’s dry, but now I see his fringe reaches well past his chin.

He doesn’t pay attention to me, sitting down on his bed and sighing every now and then. When he deems his hair dry enough he folds the towel up and puts it on his bedside table.

“You should lay down, Klaus. Stop staring at me”, he mutters as he slides his feet under the duvet.  
So he did notice I was watching him.

I smile.  
I can’t bring myself to be frustrated or sad tonight. I got to see him laugh.

He flops down, turning his back on me and pulls up the duvet to his shoulder.

 

I watch him a bit longer – as he lies still, breathing evenly – and finally make a decision.

I feel stupidly brave tonight, so I get up and walk the two steps up to his bed. I sit on the edge of the mattress, careful not to jostle him.

He turns around and pushes himself up on his arms, panting anxiously.

“What… do you think you’re doing?”, he asks breathlessly, staring at me like a cornered prey.

“Nothing”, I soothe.  
“This is not nothing”, he indicates the bed.  
“No”, I concede, leaning on my elbow, laying on my side next to him.

He looks at me like he doesn’t believe a thing he’s seeing.

After a long while he seems to accept that I won’t move away anytime soon, so he lays back down. On his side, eyes never leaving me and with an immodest gap between us.

“Come closer.”

I see his eyes flicker in the dark.

He hesitates, but does indeed move closer.  
Not close enough…

I shift a bit, reaching around him and pull his body flush with mine.  
He tenses, resting his hand against my chest as though he wanted to push me back. He never does it though.

I slide my good arm under his neck and rest the other between our bodies.

He folds his arms in front of his chest like a kitten, and looks at me like he’s expecting me to attack him at any moment.  
I smile.  
“I won’t do anything”, I promise and hide my face in his hair.

Slowly, like he’s scared, Taki raises head and looks me in the eyes with an expression I cannot name.  
I don’t do anything, simply looking back at him.

His expression softens.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Notes:  
> My poor little heart… I’m in pain, people…
> 
> Translation:  
> (Hartmann’s letter)
> 
> Your letter warms my heart! It‘s a cold winter.  
> The earth appears burnt out.  
> I hope spring will bring us new flowers. Especially the queen of all flowers should bloom this year again. The gardener does what he can, but nature keeps many secrets.  
> Until then, keep warm* and stay healthy! I know that you’re strong, but even you can’t do anything against the winter.  
> Don’t forget: Family stands above all!  
> Especially now that the holidays are coming. I hope you’ll receive plenty of gifts! We miss you and think about you.
> 
> Best wishes,  
> Ludwig
> 
> *In a different context “Zieh’ dich warm an” can be a way of warning a person, as in “You’d better be careful”, either to imply that the speaker is trying to threaten the listener, or to imply that the listener should heed a warning.
> 
> The translation only states the literal meaning of the letter. I challenge y’all to try and decode Hartmann’s message!  
> Klaus already did some of the work, but there’s much more hidden! (At least 14 coded references!)


	36. Chapter 36

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, BumbleFree here, my waifu is currently undergoing clinical treatment, so please be patient because she won't have a lot of time to write much for a while!

I guess I woke earlier than I should have. It wasn’t anything that woke me either; not the pain, or the morning light.  
I’m just… awake.

Taki is still sleeping, face hidden against my bicep. His hair is tousled, the ends curling more than usual.  
Probably because he fell asleep with damp hair.

I run my fingers through his hair, down to his nape. He doesn’t stir, so I drag my fingertips further along his skin, where the collar of his robe slid down.  
I trace the W-shaped hairline from behind his ears to where his spine starts. There’s a faint flush to his skin.  
I find myself smiling.  
It’s strangely endearing.

Maybe, I think to myself, it’s because he looks more lively like that. Maybe though, it’s just because I like to see him blush…

I sigh and nuzzle the top of his head, indulging myself in his sweet scent.

His scent has grown fainter, softer throughout the pregnancy. The flowery fragrance has taken a warmer, somehow sharper form.  
It makes me think of the milk-caramel sweets Claudia, Nicholas and I used to get from our relatives. Well, he never got them as often as we did, at least not that I can remember.  
He was too grown up, too adult to accept _sweets_ from anyone.

Funny that I’m suddenly thinking about him again.

I find my pleasant mood dropping, thinking about the last time I saw him. Updating my official records.

Seriously, who even am I anymore?  
I mean, I know who I am. But it’s always hard to navigate in the world, when there’s such a big gap between one’s own self-image, and whatever is written in one’s records.

Just imagine the wealth I’d rightfully possess… I could make a home for Taki and myself without ever needing to rely on anyone else.

 

Whatever. I tell myself to stop thinking about that now.  
Taki is right here.  
All is good.  
I pull him closer, caressing his nape… trying to remember with my fingers how his skin feels. Smooth… velvety, with the softest little baby-hairs; warm and firm where the vertebrae are, right under his skin; barely any fat, only lean (often tense) muscles… and right here… right under my fingertips… the mark.

Taki moans softly, rolling his shoulders a little, before stilling again.  
His robe slid off his shoulder.  
I smile.  
It’s so easy to forget sometimes, just how young he is. Even for an omega his shoulders seem narrow. Despite that he’s strong though.  
My alley cat.

When I first gave him that nickname I never would have thought that I’d have him sleeping in my arms one day… that he’d be carrying my child… that I’d ever marry him.

And yet, here he is, using my arm as a pillow.  
I yawn and wiggle the fingers of my left hand. It’s almost numb, tingling painfully. Maybe I can move it a little without waking him…

I push myself up on my elbow, carefully pulling my arm back a little so his head is resting on my forearm now.  
Ah… better. At least a little.

I sigh and look down at him.

There is a pink streak on Taki’s shoulder blade. It looks like a freshly formed scar, right after the scab fell off.  
What _is_ this?!

I don’t want him to wake up… but I need to see what’s up with his back there. As careful as possible I tug down the robe to uncover more of his back, and indeed, there are a bunch of scars, some scabs still show where his skin was broken, while others have mostly healed.  
They look like nail-marks… even a bite…

The size of that bite mark suggests it was… me…?

 

No way, when did that happen!?

The wounds look like they’re about… a week or two old. Maybe more, I’m not sure.

 

Is _that_ why Taki didn’t want me to see his body?!

Shit…

I pull his robe back up, and try to pretend like I never saw a thing. Still the thoughts swirl inside my head, trying to remember what happened.

It must have happened sometime after Katsuragi showed up, right?  
But when…?! My memories fade into a blur of syringes, white bedsheets, bandages and blood stains… Maybe I’m glad I don’t remember…

My thoughts are interrupted when Taki’s servant girl slips into the room.  
“Taki-sama, it is…” she starts but freezes when she sees me.

I put on a smirk and press my index finger to my lips.

She blinks in disbelief and finally regains her composure.  
“It is time to wake and have breakfast”, she insists and carries the tray to Taki’s bedside table, removing the towel he’d left there last night before setting down the tray.

“Let him sleep today. Please”, I whisper, placing my hand over Taki’s ear before she can try to wake him ‘by accident’.

She looks at me defiantly and takes a deep breath to gather herself once more.  
“Unlike you, Taki-sama has duties to attend to.”

I frown.  
“It is _my_ duty to protect and serve him at all costs.” My voice is darker and rougher than I intend it to be, and the girl takes a step back to regard me contemptuously.  
“I have seen how well that worked”, she spits. The jab hurts more than she could know, but I’m sure as hell not going to let her know that.

“All the more reason to let him rest”, I instead point out.

“The emperor summoned him this morning. Even if you were right, I could not allow him to sleep longer”, she tries a different route.  
I know I’m right, and she has no more arguments to prove me wrong.

“Then I will take his place”, I decide, sitting up carefully so I won’t disturb Taki’s sleep. He shivers, curling into himself, pulling the duvet up to his face.  
I tuck it behind his back so his warmth won’t be lost.

The girl is watching me with a mix of disbelief and apprehension. She almost reminds me of a cat, ready to pounce, looking for the right moment to attack.

“Let him sleep.” It’s an order.

“Who do you think you are...” she gasps, ready to take action at last, only she doesn’t do anything.

“Taki Reizen’s one and only Knight.”  
She didn’t want to hear this answer. I gave it anyways.

 

I put on a clean shirt – granted, my right arm is out in the open because I just can’t twist it far enough to get the sleeve on – and step outside Taki’s room.

A young alpha is waiting outside – I assume for Taki. He jerks and blinks in disbelief when he sees me.  
“Take me to the emperor. I’m taking Taki’s place today”, I explain matter-of-factly. The guard throws a frightened glance at the door, as though he could see Taki through the paper walls.  
“He’s just resting a bit. I don’t want him to push himself”, I add, when the worried expression doesn’t leave the guard’s face at all.

Finally, worry turns into suspicion.  
“Captain, your attire is hardly appropriate for an audience with the emperor… ” he points out, raising an eyebrow at my half-on-half-off shirt.  
“I had nobody to assist me”, I shrug with my left shoulder. The nurse usually doesn’t come in before Taki finishes his breakfast.  
I can imagine why.  
Who’d want to eat when… well. Ask a fucking vulture what my damn arm looks like. I certainly don’t care to know.

The young guard looks at me for a moment, before he sighs.  
He steps close to me and pulls up the empty sleeve with one hand, while guiding my right arm through the hole with his other.  
I bite back a groan when he moves my shoulder a bit too far, but at least I have this shirt on now.  
That’s better; I start buttoning it up as best as possible with one and a half hands.

“Thank you”, I murmur when I finally get to my chest, leaving the top three buttons open because I just can’t be bothered to do more.

 

The guard guides me to the throne hall, which I recognize from the last time I met the emperor. I can’t help but feel doubt building within my mind.  
Last time I met him, things didn’t exactly end well.  
Taki had to fix the mess I created, because I just didn’t know to keep my mouth shut… And here I am, basically about to do the same thing again.

I swallow hard.  
No.  
This is for Taki and myself, for us, for our future; our child.

Finally I am standing face to face with the emperor. Taki’s uncle. I kneel and bow before him, glad I remembered at least that much from the little crash-course I’d gotten back when I first came here.  
I stay put, hands flat on the floor, waiting for the emperor to say something.

“Captain Klaus von Wolfstadt”, he murmurs, acknowledging my presence without approving of it.  
“Your grace”, I reply, raising my head slightly.  
“What brings you here?”, the emperor wonders, his voice remaining monotone and deep.

I straighten my back and sit up.

“I overheard from a servant that you are expecting Taki for an audience today, but seeing the state he was in, I decided to take his place. So, here I am”, I summarize as curtly as possible. The emperor seems to wince ever so slightly when I say Taki’s name… I cannot read his expression while he mulls over his reply to me.

“What makes you think that you could ever hope to stand in for him?”, his voice dropped an octave.

I swallow dryly and take a deep breath.

“I intend to stay by Taki’s side and support him in whatever way I can”, I meet his eyes at last, “as his husband.”

 

A collective gasp went through the rows of servants and guards.

Only the emperor remains silent, and unmoving this time.  
He seems to consider my words carefully, weighing them against whatever options or opinions he has in his mind. He doesn’t show it though.

 

Finally, after a long time, he lets out a deep breath and relaxes ever so slightly.

“Has my nephew ever told you the tale of the maiden and the guardian spirit?”  
The question comes out of nowhere.

A tale…? Like a fairytale…?!  
What is the correct answer to this?

Is this a test?

I swallow dryly and lick my lips, trying to make up a good response.

“He has not”, I admit.

The emperor nods once and folds his hands in his lap in a slow and deliberate manner. He clears his throat and looks at me.  
I lower my eyes.

“It’s the tale about how the son of heaven married a pure maiden, only for her to betray him and give birth to another man’s child. That man was the guardian spirit”, the emperor says, never giving away what he feels about the tale.

I feel cheated.  
There is no context for me to understand this tale. Who are these characters? What’s their point? Is it just a story about a disloyal woman?  
Is it supposed to be a warning?

I nod once, to show that I heard him.

“It is said that these three were the first beta, omega and alpha respectively, and that the omega was forever fated to be claimed by the alpha”, the emperor continues at last. I believe I can see the hint of a smirk playing around the corners of his mouth.  
“The tale ends in tragedy.”

I suppress the urge to let out a gasp.

It _is_ a warning.

“What makes you think that you could ever come before me and ask for our shinka’s hand?”

I lower my head to gather my wits.  
The fairytale was a clear warning. I’m an alpha, Taki’s an omega. It’s telling me not to meddle where I don’t belong.

So what answer does he expect of me now?

“If the omega’s choice…” I start, not sure myself where I’m going with this, “… was determined by fate, any meaning one could seek in her decision becomes null and void.”

The emperor raises an eyebrow.

“In that case, I have every right to ask for Taki’s hand, as I am the father of his unborn child, and I have made him mine long ago, and nothing your grace will say can change that”, I continue.  
“If the omega’s choice was truly her own though, and fate played no part in it, then it does not have to end in tragedy.”  
Imperceptibly, the emperor’s expression falls.

“In that case, the responsibility lies within Taki’s and my own hands to ensure our happy ending.”

I feel victorious.

“Very well, Klaus von Wolfstadt”, the emperor utters gravely. He lifts his gaze to meet my eyes. “Tell me now, why should I entrust our precious shinka to you? A man with no nationality, no human rights, no family… nothing…”

I feel my chest swell with pride and victory.  
“Your grace, first and foremost, I have Taki’s wish in mind when it comes to this. Second, all the things I lack can be given back to me, _and_ I can make assure you it won’t be your loss.”

A spark lights up the emperor’s eyes, as the hint of a challenge, of mischief flashes in his expression.  
I passed the test.

“Oh I am certain I won’t be the one losing anything… but what do we stand to gain?”, he asks. His face is a perfectly composed mask; only the tone of his voice gives away the smirk which he is suppressing.

“An ally, an armistice, maybe even peace”, I murmur, downplaying the achievements Taki’s and my marriage could potentially bring.  
“I was a member of Saxon royalty. I can take my title back, and when Taki’s and my child is born into our marriage, Saxony will have a reason not to attack the country in which two members of their royalty reside. Other members of the Western Alliance will likely follow along, because they cannot abandon the terms of the contracts which formed the alliance to begin with.”

“That is indeed a fascinating chance. However, I cannot ignore my suspicions towards your loyalty. It has been questioned more than is appropriate for a Knight, whose Master has such a high rank. Any more doubts regarding your loyalty, and our shinka will lose his face”, the emperor’s voice is low and cold now.  
I believe I understand a little more, looking at him now.

As much as I hate his refusal to ever call Taki by his name, I do understand his need to protect him too.

“I assure- I swear- _I vow_ that…” - “Taki-sama…!” The guard interrupted me. I turn around, twisting my neck as much as I can to see what’s happening, afraid something might have… but no.

I find myself smiling the moment my eyes meet Taki’s.  
He is panting subduedly, cradling his belly with one hand, while the other grips his collar, keeping it in place to hide… the marks.

He starts walking towards me, eyes ablaze.  
“ _What_ are you doing?!”, he hisses once he reaches me, kneeling and bowing by my side.  
“Laying the foundation for our future”, I answer once he sits up again.

He blinks at me like he’s never seen me before. His lips tremble and when he lowers his head, his shoulders slump in defeat.

“Sakone no Daishou”, the emperor murmurs softly, “raise your head.”

Taki practically flinches like he was struck, screwing his eyes shut. He bites his trembling lip and forces a breath through his nostrils before looking up at his uncle.

The man smiles.  
“I see the decision has been made”, he says, not hiding the smile from his voice. It does nothing to calm Taki down though.  
He is shaking visibly.

Ignoring all etiquette and manners – fuck court protocol – I reach around his waist and hold him.

He grits his teeth as hard as he can, staring up at the emperor with a raw expression. I press my thumb into the curvature of his spine, while the palm of my hand covers the small of his back.  
Slowly, he fights off his tension and unclenches his teeth enough to utter a response.

“Yes, your grace.”

The emperor hums softly, before looking at Taki with a melancholic expression. I keep my hand where it is, throwing sideway glances at Taki’s face.  
He looks like he’s seeing a ghost.

“Sakone no Daishou”, the emperor starts again, “do you recall the day when you first returned from your studies at Luckenwalde?”

Taki nods without raising his eyes.

“How Hebe, Maiya and Arthemis just couldn't wait to greet you and your sister Yura…”

Taki lets out something that sounds like a half-sob and half-laugh and nods again.

“And then you ran away like you were being chased…”

Taki’s cheeks redden immediately.

“Did you know that they thought he was the Guardian Spirit?”

Finally, Taki raises his head, looking at the emperor in disbelief and embarrassment.

“To tell you the truth… when I first saw him”, the emperor pauses to smile fondly, “I thought so too.”

That does something.  
Taki goes lax and almost crumbles, the wheezing sob he lets out is completely unmuffled as he presses his hands over his mouth a few seconds too late.  
I immediately hold him closer, ready to cradle his head should he slump completely.

Tears spill from his eyes, running down his cheeks to his trembling hands which do little to hold back his breathless sobs.  
I helplessly pull him closer, unsure what to do to assure him, to soothe and calm him… I don’t even get what the emperor was trying to say with that anecdote!

“Now, Sakone no Daishou, I had hoped you’d be happier to have your wish”, the emperor murmurs softly, reaching out his hand as though he wanted to touch Taki, who shakes his head insistently.  
“I am… your grace. I am…” Taki stammers through his sniffles and hick-ups as he wipes his eyes, “Thank you a thousand times!”

I blink.  
“Does that mean yes?”, I ask dumbly.

The emperor nods.

I look at Taki, who is still a tearful mess.

 

He looks me in the eyes and nods once.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Notes:  
> Oh sweet, sweet catharsis… I’m crying and laughing, because I have been waiting for so long to finally write this chapter…!
> 
> I hope you enjoyed it, even if it’s a little short.
> 
> To make up for that, I have a special something!  
> The emperor refers to a certain fairytale, and surprise, surprise! You can find it here: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14827902
> 
> (You don’t _have_ to read it, but I’d HIGHLY recommend it, because it will become of thematic importance in later chapters! Also, I’d generally love to read what you think of my fairytale-telling!)
> 
> Translation (kinda): Ask a fucking vulture what my damn arm looks like – In German you can say “Weiß der Geier…!” which basically means “Who the hell knows...” but the literal translation would be “The vulture knows...”, and this little line is a little Germanism Klaus used^^
> 
> PS: On Taki’s scars healing kinda slowly… After the immense stress he’s been through, his body placed all it’s focus on the baby inside him, which is why the rest of his body is kinda lagging behind.

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoyed, please leave kudos and comments!! <333


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